Your Value No Matter What

 My YouTube video this week is one that I made in January of 2020 right after I was horribly betrayed by someone I thought was my friend. 

July 29th, 2017, I was in a serious car wreck in Ohio. I had written a blog post at that time so you can go back and read all about it if you'd like. That wreck would change our lives forever in ways I didn't even know. 

After we got back, I was at work for three days and was fired. At that time I was the director of a day care center. I had done something wrong but I was shocked and deeply hurt by many people. 

Nine months later, May 6th, 2018, my husband left me, taking my two step-sons with him. I went from being a wife and mother to nothing. I'm not able to have kids of my own so those boys were loved like my own. 

You already know how I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD plus other things. 

In middle school and high school I was sexually harassed. In college there were some problems as well with harassment and other things.

I'm telling you all of this because I'm reaching out to those that question their value. I often question my value.

My name (Amanda) means worthy of love and I do NOT feel it.

I have put so much of my value in how people treat me and what people do to me or their response to me. In January of 2020, I was reminded I can't do that. It is too painful and it is wrong. My value doesn't come from other people and what they do and their actions. My value comes from one thing and one thing only...

And that is GOD.

God created you and me. That's where our value comes from and it can't change.

I was shown an illustration when I was going to a support group called Divorce Care. I want to share it.

If I had $100 dollar bill, it is $100. It was made to be $100. It's value is $100. I could fold it, crumple it up, step on it or even rip it in half but it's still worth $100. No matter what it's been through it's value is still $100. 

Same with you and me.

No matter what we've been through... If you deal with mental illness, been divorced, mentally manipulated or abused in some way or have diabetes or cancer or some other health issues, THAT doesn't matter. Your value comes from God. 

HE created YOU!

That's your value and it is AMAZING! He created you the way you are. Remember the $100 and remember your value. You are PRICELESS. He died for you!!!

THAT'S YOUR VALUE!

Email... mannas.musings@gmail.com

YouTube... https://youtu.be/D-vYdYY_pPM

My Journey, Story and Passion: Mental Health

 If you are following my YouTube channel as well as my blog, I want to let you know that this topic is split into three videos on YouTube. I don't want the videos to be too long but for a blog it's easier to write it all at once. 😄

I am not an expert in mental health. I have a minor in counseling and I've taken some Master course classes. A lot of my knowledge comes from personal experience, experiences of friends and research I've done on my own. It's basically a combination of all of those things. 

When I start talking about my mental health story, I recall times in my past where my mental illness played a part in the situation. But back then I didn't know anything about it. I'm actually not positive on the timeline of how I learned about myself. 

I think I first saw a counselor when we were trying to get rid of my headache. I've had a constant, 24/7, headache for 19 years. I've tried basically everything and we still don't know the cause. At one point, we thought maybe I needed to see a counselor because the year prior to my headache starting, our family had seven family deaths. From the month of May to November that year we lost my step-grandma, my grandpa, an uncle, two great-uncles on my mom's side and one great-uncle on my dad's side. The seventh was my sister's miscarriage. My headache started the following February. I saw the counselor for a while but to no avail. 

The next time I started seeing a counselor was when I found out for certain that I could not have kids of my own. I started anti-depressants at that time as well. I honestly thought that this would be short-time until I accepted the fact that I would never be a mom.

In my post about Hope, I mentioned having a thorough assessment done. My memory tells me that was also to try to help my headache but I'm not certain at this point. No matter the reason, what we found out that day was significant. I had clinical depression and only the fact that my faith and relationship with God was so strong was keeping me out of the hospital. 

It kept me out of the hospital as far as in-patient mental health treatment but there was so much more going on. 

I was going to the ER often with severe stomach pains and throwing up. We could never figure it out or connect it with anything... until one day....

We were on a short trip with my ex-husband's family. One night the pain hit and I ended up going to the ER there. As I was laying there waiting for tests results and such, I was thinking about how two of my ex-in-laws just announced pregnancies. I was also thinking about how I felt like an outcast with my in-laws. There was a nurse in my room at the time so I just asked her.

"Could it be stress and anxiety causing this?"

She adamantly said yes. 

I told her why I asked and all that was happening. She agreed that I might be onto something and went and told the doctor. We talked quite a bit and when the test results showed nothing else going on, he referred me to a place near home that had several therapists and a psychiatrist.

Between the people I talked to at that clinic, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, major clinical depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I started medication.

I'll go deeper into each of those individually in future posts but for right now, let's keep going with my story because this is when mental health truly became my passion.

I want to tell you that I saw many of the therapists because it is hard to find the right fit. So please don't get discouraged if you're feeling the same way. It's okay to try different people until you find one you truly connect with. Before covid hit, I think I was on my 6th or 7th and I loved her!

Back to my story... my husband at the time would go with me and help tell the doctors what he saw. At times he said I was doing well and other times not so much. I honestly couldn't tell myself.

One day my husband told me that everyone was scared of me and had to walk on ice and I was a monster. I attempted suicide in that moment. (I will go into suicide more later as well)

After that day, I started to buy books on anger or do what I could to "help" me even though I had no clue what I was doing that made people feel that way about me. 

A couple years later, the day came when my husband left me. He and his son woke me up and said awful things. Everything they hated about me, how horrible I was, and even that "ibuprofen cures everything." Then they walked out the door.

"Love Me Until I'm Me Again"

I started really researching mental health and my specific mental illnesses. I was not given an opportunity to share my findings with him so he never learned.

BUT it opened my eyes and I became truly passionate about it.

I switched psychiatrists and therapists, both at different locations than before. I learned that my ex-husband would lie about how I was doing so my medication kept changing to the point that I could never be stable. (I will also talk about domestic mental manipulation and abuse later)

It was during the divorce and with these new doctors that I was diagnosed with PTSD. It affected how I lived and perceived the outside world.

I didn't (and don't) want anyone to go through what I went through so I've been trying to spread awareness and help those that need it. I want to help those that struggle with mental illness themselves but also their loved ones. I want them to be able to understand what is happening inside the other person and how to help. 

When my parents were able to learn about mental health and all that was going on inside me, it deepened our relationship to an even stronger level. In the process, it also made me grow stronger as well. 

That's what I want for YOU... for everyone!

I am a Disney freak and one of my favorite movies is Moana. I relate to the end of the movie. From the first time I saw it to every time since then I think "yes! I feel that."

**Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it**

Moana is trying to restore the heart of Te Fiti, but realizes it belongs to Teka (an angry lava monster). She gets to the place where she thinks she'll find Te Fiti but it's an empty hole. She turns around and looks at Teka. Teka is fuming and trying to get to Moana. Moana does something no other Disney princess has done... she identifies with the villain. She gets it; she understands what's happening. She starts walking towards Teka and Teka is raging towards Moana. But as Moana is walking she sings

"I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know who you are. Who you truly are."

She restores the heart onto Teka and Teka changes into Te Fiti. The anger falls away.

I've been called a monster. I have pictured myself acting and looking like Teka. But deep inside, in my heart, I am Te Fiti and love being kind, beautiful, smiling and... myself. 

It's also a good reminder that our mental health does not define us. We are not our mental health. Just like I am not my physical health. Both affect me, but they do not define who I am inside.

I hope I have helped someone. Please always feel free to share my blog or videos. I also want to encourage you to reach out to me if you need someone. 

My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

Remember I did three YouTube videos for this story...

Part One... https://youtu.be/sntaYfFRSC0

Part Two... https://youtu.be/FVtzavyBZ0s

Part Three... https://youtu.be/tDMUS6-_imQ

Winter Blues vs Seasonal Depression

 Before I get into our topic today, I want to apologize for the wait. I was sick for a good two weeks. People kept thinking it was covid but every test I took came back negative.

We also had a lady from our church pass away. I'm still in shock. I'm from a small church and we're all affected by this death. It was so unexpected that it's made me really think about priorities and some changes that I need to make.

BUT... today we're going to talk about winter blues vs seasonal depression (or Seasonal Affective Disorder). 

Now I admit, I hate winter. I hate the cold, the snow, the darkness... pretty much anything about it. I wouldn't say I have winter blues or seasonal depression but I want to make sure that people not only know that there is a difference but what the difference is. 

WINTER BLUES

Winter Blues happens during the colder months of the year. It brings about feelings of sadness and fatigue. Since the sun isn't out as long, some people get down and out. You may feel unmotivated and struggle getting up in the mornings. But overall, you can still function. You can do what's necessary. 

Some things that can help with winter blues is first, seeking out the sun. The sun is a mood booster. It gives us our Vitamin D. With my job, I'm literally working all of the daylight hours during the winter so I would take extra Vitamin D supplements. 

Other things is exercise and eating right. When we want to hibernate, so to speak, we want comfort foods like sweets and carbohydrates. While those feel good in the moment, they really make us more tired and lethargic. 

SEASONAL DEPRESSION

Now let's talk about seasonal depression (also called Seasonal Affective Disorder). 

First, it's good to define depression because it is one of the main differences. 

Depression is not just sadness

Depression negatively affects how you feel, think and act. You have loss of interest causing significant impairment to daily life. 

Seasonal depression is distressing and overwhelming feelings of sadness that interfere with daily functioning WITH a seasonal pattern. It is severe and can be debilitating. It does not have to happen only in winter. It can happen with any change of seasons but it happens at the same season every year. I have a friend that it happens in the fall. There's others that struggle in summer or spring. With the darkness and colder weather, it does happen most frequently in winter. 

If you feel you fit this description, please seek help. Go to a doctor and tell them how you're feeling. They should be able to determine if antidepressants will help or if you should just take more Vitamin D.

I hope this has helped because there is a very real difference. People that struggle with Seasonal Depression struggle more when people just call in winter blues because it is so much more. But I want to emphasize that winter blues is a very real thing so please do something to help.

I don't feel like I deal with either of these personally but I have people around me that do. I just plain don't like winter. lol. 

The next topics will be about my journey and why mental health is so important to me. I had written some posts a couple years ago. Feel free to go back and read them. But I'll write again to go along with my YouTube videos.

My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

YouTube link is https://youtu.be/GwaAPdDy7hk

Mental Health in a New Year

 I can't believe we are already a week into 2022! 

I have been so ready for 2021 to be over. It wasn't a great year for me personally. I'd say worse than 2020. I'm ready for a clean slate and a new start.

A new year can bring anxiety and fear or a feeling of hope and renewal.

So far it hasn't been great for me but I'm still trying to be hopeful. 

My depression is bad. It started when my New Year's Eve plans got messed up by a snowstorm. The entire weekend was a wash and I let it get to me. To add to it my day care got hit with sicknesses.

Today (January 8th) is the first time I've left my house since December 27th. That's not healthy. But it shows how deep my depression went. 

I'll talk more about my diagnosis, experiences and things that have happened in my life in my upcoming videos and blogs. For now, I want to focus on how we face a new year.

A lot of people make resolutions.. whether it be for physical health, mental health or just life in general.

I want to encourage you to make goals.. even small goals.

A resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something while a goal is the object of a person's ambition or effort, an aim or desired result. Doesn't a goal sound more attainable? For me personally, if I don't accomplish a resolution, I feel like I failed. If I set goals, then it can continue to be a goal until I do accomplish it. 

Let me tell you a story...

I have PTSD.

One of the effects is that I can get a panic attack in the middle of our small town grocery store. So before Christmas I needed to get quite a bit of stuff and didn't want to drive out of town. I literally text my mom and asked which aisle each of my items were located so that I knew exactly how to approach the store. If I stand in any spot for too long, panic starts to rise. Well, I did it! I made it through!

It's a victory!!

I don't know what you face in the new year. I don't know what your mental health is like. But I encourage you to set small goals.

"Today I'll do my hair rather than just pull it into a messy bun."

My friend set a goal to force herself to think of a positive thought first thing in the morning. It may not stick all day. It may turn out to be a horrible day. But every morning, she is going to start with a positive thought.

That's a great goal and can have a huge impact!!

And a great thing is that if she misses a day, it's okay. Just try again tomorrow.

I want all of us to be a little stronger in 2022.

I want to spread mental health awareness.

I want to break the stigma that comes with saying "I see a therapist" or "I have a psychiatrist". 

In the upcoming weeks, I'll dive deeper into my own personal story and journey. I also want to teach about things you may not know...

Winter Blues is not the same thing as Seasonal Depression (what?!?)

I will explain all of that soon but for now let's think on the new year and the small goals we can set to give ourselves victories. I'm cheering for you.

As always... email me at mannas.musings@gmail.com 

and check out my YouTube channel https://youtu.be/BDzSS8k8D2U

Tis the Season for HOPE

 Around 2010, I went through a series of tests to figure out some things with my mental health and other issues I was dealing with at the time. 

I had to remember words or items and repeat them a few minutes later. I had to say things backwards. They'd give me little puzzles to solve. Another part was filling out a survey of sorts where I'd fill in the little bubbles saying what I feel in different situations or answering different questions. The entire thing took at least three hours. It was very intense. BUT... the results were very interesting and worth it.

One side of this bar graph showed that my depression was so bad that I should have been in a hospital. The doctor was surprised that I wasn't. My depression was WAY below average. 

On the flip side...

(literally the opposite side of the graph)

It showed that my faith was extremely high. My faith.. my HOPE... was the reason that I was not hospitalized. It was WAY above average. 

My hope is in Christ. 

We celebrate Christ's birth this season. Why did Jesus come to Earth? Why did He come so humbly, meekly, fragile, fully dependent on His Earthly parents? 

He wasn't born in a golden crib. 

He was born in a manger... a feeding trough. 

WHY did He become man?

Jesus was born as a baby to die. 

His whole purpose was to die for us! 

Can you grasp that?

There are so many miraculous parts of Jesus' birth (I could spend a lot of time on each one) but really, it's about the cross.

I like the picture of a Christmas wreath symbolizing the season... but a crown of thorns representing the reason.

This is where our hope lies. Not hope like I hope for Legos for Christmas. But instead a deep trust of security. 

I hope IN Christ not FOR Christ.

My sister and I sang a song by Go Fish called It's About the Cross. I'm going to post the video on my Facebook page so feel free to check it out. (We do not own the rights to the song and the only recording is the one on my phone.)

I love the song because it talks about why Jesus was born and that "every drop of blood that flowed from Him when it should have been me." He was born so that He could die and rise again so that we can live and have hope in Him.

We don't have to do anything for this gift. It's a free gift from God. All you have to do is believe. Trust in Jesus Christ.

We don't know how long we have in this world. Crazy accidents and sudden deaths happen all the time. Accepting God's gift is a life or death decision. Please don't wait.

Once you put your trust in God, there is a new hope that we have. When Jesus ascended to Heaven, days after His resurrection, He promised He would come again. Those that put their faith and trust in Jesus are promised to live forever with Him.. whether we have already passed away or still alive when He comes. 

This season of Christmas reminds us that God came to Earth and lived among us. 

Don't forget the reason!

I hope you all enjoy Christmas, celebrating with family and friends and all that comes with it. 

Have a very Merry Christmas!!

PS... If you are curious about what I'm talking about.. putting your faith in God to have eternal life.. PLEASE don't hesitate another second to reach out to me. My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

Facebook... Amanda Cannon

Also check out my YouTube channel!! https://youtu.be/9NPyB5o-6Sg

Mental Health and the Holidays

 Mental health does not take a holiday!

During the holidays, people with mental illness struggle more than they do other times of the year. It could be depression that comes from loneliness, comparisons to others or something else. Anxiety can rise when we think of being around other people. 

And we can't forget about the stress that comes from this season. Stress makes conditions of mental illness worse.

According to NAMI- National Alliance on Mental Illness- 64% of people with mental illness report holidays make their conditions worse. 24% of those people say it makes conditions a lot worse while 40% say conditions are only somewhat worse. 

I label myself as a Scrooge and a Grinch. 

I would love it if we could just pass over the holidays. All of my conditions get worse this time of year. I'm more stressed, tired and exhausted. My anxiety is very high and I have to work to keep depression at bay. I feel like I have to really watch what I say and do around others or at events. This in itself is exhausting! 

Others with mental illness will feel the same way... having to be fake for a period of time takes it toll. 

Here's my advice... be prepared.

When you are going to an event or know that you'll be around a lot of people, go prepared to be more anxious and more on edge. Give yourself permission to take a break when needed. Avoid things that might make depression worse... like social media or certain Christmas movies. Do what you can to keep your stress lower. I like to get my shopping done in October!

Grief during the holidays can make conditions worse but grief affects everyone whether they struggle with a mental illness or not. Whether it be divorce, the loss of a loved one or something else, it should be noted that grief is okay. Not having my grandma this year makes holidays a little harder. We don't want to ignore the fact that the holidays can be hard for anyone. 

I want to debunk one myth about the holidays. 

Myth: There are more suicides during the holidays

Truth: Suicides DECREASE during the holidays. 

Suicide actually increases more in the spring and summer. During the holidays there can be a lot more support and feelings of being loved. Even receiving one Christmas card can help a person get through the day. 

I hope some of this helps you get through the holidays. If you feel alone or not loved, reach out to me! I'd gladly encourage you and show you love. If you want advice or help getting through a specific part of this season, please ask and I'll do my best to help you!

My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

My YouTube link is https://youtu.be/C8bR1kJTXcI

Be prepared, have a wonderful Christmas and don't forget to give yourself a break!!

YouTube Introduction: Let's Chat!

 Hi!

Man, it's been a couple of crazy years, hasn't it? 

I'm starting a new endeavor and that's a YouTube channel. 

I will talk about Mental Health but also just life in general. I have an education but I'm far from an expert. It will come from my heart and my experiences. I will do some research on specific topics but overall, it's going to be just me. 

Natural me. 

Chatting about things that happen in this life. You know I want to help people. It is my passion. 

I don't want anyone to feel alone. I know what that feels like even when surrounded by several people. 

I don't want families to be divided when they don't understand. When my parents were able to see a mental health exhibit, it helped our relationship get even stronger. 

I want people to feel like they can have a voice... even if it's through me. 

As I've stated before in other posts, I feel that God has allowed certain things in my life to be used for His glory. He doesn't want me to sit around and wait to be healed or for the issue to be resolved. He wants me honoring Him in ALL that I do. 

Tony Evans said "If you keep your eyes focused on God's purpose for you, not your pain, God will use your trials for your good and His glory". I've felt this way for years but just read his quote a week or so ago. I love it!

If you don't know me, please feel free to go back through some of my old posts. It's been a while and some of it probably needs updated, but you'll get an idea of who I am and why I write.

I know that not everyone likes to watch videos and not everyone likes to read blogs. So I'm going to do both. They'll be connected and on the same topic each week. I'll always put a copy of the YouTube link in my blog but I'd love if you would subscribe to it as well! My blog link will be on my YouTube channel.

I also have an email address that I'd like you to use if you want to reach out to me. If there's something specific you want me to talk about or just need someone to talk to, whatever it is, please let me know!

Email address is mannas.musings@gmail.com

YouTube link is https://youtu.be/g_aSj-qwimM

Let's chat with Manna's Musings!

Life, Love and Mental Health