The Door is Latched.

I haven't posted in a while (and I knew that) but I was shocked to see that the last one was back in April when my husband wrecked his road grader.
A lot has been happening but I guess I either haven't had time to sit and do this OR haven't had anything come to mind to write about.
The reality is probably both but also, because I hurt my finger back in June and haven't really been able to type. It's ridiculous really. But let me start at the beginning....

For the last year my husband and I have been house hunting in the area. We were looking for a house with enough bedrooms but also suitable for day care. I enjoy having day care in a separate area of my house so they aren't destroying my home. If I have to keep working, we wanted to keep it separate.

We've looked at several and nothing worked.

In the meantime, we knew we needed to fix our foundation. There were anchors in the walls when I bought the place in 2008. Once I was married, my husband kept noticing the cracks getting bigger and one corner almost hitting the water heater. We knew we needed to do something even if we were going to sell it. As we asked around about costs, we realized that if we were going to put that much into this house, we needed to stay here and just do an addition.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my last post but we actually met with the contractor the day my husband had his accident.

Construction started June 2nd. Since they were putting in an entirely new foundation and my day care is in the basement (it's a walk-out basement), I had to move to my moms for the summer.

June 1st, I was getting in my deep freeze; getting out all the food I'd need for day care at my mom's. I had my hand on the lid and my finger in the handle. The door started to shut on me and I couldn't get my finger out. It got all twisted up. (I told you it was ridiculous). It's not broken but the ligaments and tendons are messed up. I don't need surgery, thankfully, but I'm still in a lot of pain if it gets bent too far.

Construction on the house has been overwhelming, inconvenient and stressful but as they fixed the foundation, the foreman told us that we were only sitting on two inches of wall. He couldn't believe that we hadn't caved in yet. After all the rain we had in August, we KNOW that God was leading us to do this now.

There's more I could say about this whole process but honestly, there's something else on my mind. Something bigger and more powerful.
Something that I need prayer for.

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. That whole time we haven't done anything to prevent pregnancy. Six months ago I talked to a doctor about fertility medication. I was tested and everything looked as if I should be able to get pregnant. So I started on medication that was supposed to help. The doctor told us that if it doesn't work after a certain amount of time then it wasn't going to work and we should look into in-vitro.

If you are one of my "followers", you read my post about Dreams. You know how much I've wanted to be a mom. If you know me personally, you REALLY understand how much being a mom has always been a part of who I am.

God has shut the door.

I can't have kids.

I can type those words but there's really no way I can say them out loud without breaking down. My heart is completely shattered.
The medication didn't work and after months of being on a rollercoaster, I'm at the point of accepting God's plan. We don't have the money or the energy to do in-vitro or surrogacy.

Scientifically and medically, I should be pregnant. (I won't go into details of why I say that)
God has chosen to not grant us this desire.

I know that He could still allow it later on down the road. I'm not so foolish to say that I know what He's doing and know what He's thinking. He can do all things. But the door is like the one on the ark, only God can open it. I need to keep moving and living for Him.

This has been so hard!!! I've wanted to be a mom since... well, really, forever.
I never expected that I wouldn't be a mom. Even when I got married at 32, I thought I'd be pregnant and have my own kids. I've been living my whole life with that expectation.

One friend said to me a while back, "You were one of the cutest kids I know. You have to be able to make more beautiful children."
Another said, "I don't think that God would give you such a big desire and then have it not happen."

Here's the thing.... We don't have to understand God. For most of my life, I haven't! I've had a headache for 11 1/2 years. The chest pains I had last summer (and never figured out) have returned. I don't understand those things!

And yes, I truly don't understand why He hasn't allowed me to get pregnant. I don't understand why we built this addition if we weren't having more kids. I don't understand why He gave me this desire. But I don't have to. No where in the Bible does it say "You will know the plans I have for you. You will understand everything I do." God just asks us to trust Him and live for Him. The Bible tells us that HE knows the plans HE has for us. It also tells us that He wants to do what's best.

I think deep down God has been preparing me for this. I'm a pessimist by nature. But if you've read my last few posts, you'll see that I've been trying to find good in every event; I'm trying to be positive in the negative.

How can I be positive in the midst of my dreams being broken???

I started looking at how my life can be without kids of my own.

First off, I have two step-sons. This is a hard topic because yes, I'm still a mom figure to them but I'm not their mom. It's kind of like playing cards with someone who always has the Ace of Trump.
With that said though, I'm going to put my whole mother's heart into them when they're here. Or even if they call or text when they aren't here.
I also have a house-full of kids that I take care of. I can give them my whole self without feeling divided between them and my own.
I also have several nieces and nephews who have always been important to me.

One sister pointed out that maybe my heart and desire to be a mom is SO big that God has given me several kids in my life to love and take care of.... to be a "mother" to.

My oldest step-son will be graduating in 4 1/2 years. We only get the younger one on every other weekend. So when the oldest graduates, it's going to feel like we have an empty nest of sorts. I have to admit that kind of excites me. We'll finally be like newlyweds. I mean, think about it... when I got married, I suddenly had a 12 year old and a 4 year old!! The 12 year old (now 14!) lives here 50% of the time.

Nate and I have started new dreams. Dreams of getting to travel more. Dreams of maybe finishing my book and speaking to young women. Dreams of opening our home to others.

Having my dream taken away still hurts... a lot! Like I said, I can't voice it out loud. When I see a woman pregnant, I know I'll never feel that. When I see kids running around, I know that I'll never know what my kids would act like or look like.

Want to know something though? Being able to think about how it's not going to happen is actually easier than not knowing IF it's going to happen. I feel like I'm finally able to move on.

I'm turning 35 and I'm not a mom.

I have a bin of things I've been saving for my kids. I have my favorite baby dolls from when I was a little girl waiting for my little girl.
I'm not running out and selling those things right now.. or even next week.

The pain is still too fresh. It's just right under the surface. Some days are obviously better than others. I would appreciate a lot of prayer.

I didn't choose to not be able to have kids. But I am choosing to look forward to what awesome plan God has in store for me.

On top of a mountain we climbed this summer in Wyoming.

I can't handle it.

Last week was a very eventful, emotional, stressful week.
It started not too bad but by Tuesday everything went downhill.

I got a call from my husband saying that he had wrecked his road grader. He was/is okay but it was a scary ordeal. The steering stopped working and in a matter of 10 seconds he was in a ditch. He was going 30 mph.

It's unnerving.

He was in this!!!

He fell right on a wooden fence post. If it had been a steel one, he wouldn't be here. *deep breath*

This fence happens to have all wooden posts but as I was driving on Saturday I noticed that A LOT, in fact I'd say MOST, fences have more steel posts than wooden. 

Tuesday is also the day we met with our contractors for our addition and foundation construction. For one contractor, it was the final meeting before they begin. The other contractor is just starting on the planning. 

By the time Nate got home from his wreck, the guys were coming. I didn't even get to talk to him or hug him or anything. We went straight into talking about our house. Then I went to my nephew's program. When I got home, I convinced Nate to go get checked at the hospital. I didn't care that he kept telling me he was fine. I wanted to hear it from a professional. 

He was fine and so I could sleep well that night.... well, I thought I was going to. It turns out that since he landed on his left side, that's the side that's bruised and that's the side that's closest to me when we're sleeping. I was so scared of hurting him more. 

As the week went on, I saw him walking slower and slower. People would also approach us and make comments about how they're glad he's still alive. 

I kept finding out more about the accident. And the more I heard people say "you're lucky" the deeper the pit got in my stomach. 

Basically everything that happened last week was magnified by the fact that I almost lost my husband.

There are several more events I'll mention but there are also a few I can't go into detail about. Last week I had four friends also dealing with big things. They all weigh heavy on my heart. 

Back to our highlights (or lowlights as they may be)...

Our old dog is having blood in his bowel movements. I was just observing him last weekend and then on Wednesday I got more scared about it. I sent a picture to my daycare mom that works at the vet. On Friday I spent a hour and a half at the vet trying to figure out what's going on. We have no idea and so are trying to make decisions as far as how much do we pay. 

Yes, dogs feel like family but we need to remember that he's not human. He's 10 years old. He's old.

He acts fine for the most part so I think we're deciding to just hold off right now. It's so hard trying to make such decisions! 

This past weekend we celebrated my older step-son's birthday. So we were busy with making sure he was having a good time with friends. That was fun but a lot harder considering the week's events. 

We also found out that my husband's step-sister was in a car accident. She had come over a hill and ran into a planter coming the other direction. (I'm talking like a farm planter!) She didn't have time to take the ditch but she had time to lay down in her vehicle. If she hadn't.... she also wouldn't be here. I don't have a picture to show you but I saw one where a blade cut through her head rest!!! 

She has a cut on her jaw but just like Nate, she's okay... 

Lucky to be walking and still alive.

As I say that, I have to say, I don't believe in luck. I believe in God. God protected both of them. His hand was definitely in the situations! I praise God everyday that I still have a husband and that his sister is okay as well. It's amazing!!

That has to lead you to think about life and death. At any moment, you or a loved one can be gone. Are you ready? I recently wrote a post about this. You need to make sure you're going to heaven! The ONLY way to get there is through Jesus Christ. He died to SAVE us! We are on our way to hell until we realize we need saved from it. We need to ask Jesus to be our Savior. Believe that He died for you! Surrender your life to Him! (more questions about this please email... delightinlord@hotmail.com)

Was that the end of our week?

I wish. 

Thankfully nothing worse happened. But I'd love it if nothing happened at all!!

Saturday we were getting ready to go out to eat for B's birthday. Nate was driving. B had moved the truck out of the way so he could play basketball. It was sitting towards the end of the driveway. Nate forgot about it. He hits the accelerator, van starts beeping at us, Nate can't react fast enough... Yes, we run into the truck. We now have some nice dents in the van. *sigh* 

Totally not a huge deal.. especially in light of other accidents of the week. But like I said, everything was magnified BECAUSE of the other accidents. It was one of those moments where you're like "Really? Is this REALLY happening?"

This brings us to Sunday. 

Sunday was a turning point for me. And it's also the main reason I decided to blog today.

Sunday morning I could sense that I am not pregnant. I had been trying to keep my hopes down but that's pretty much impossible. I was trying to not even think about it. Of course, if I did think about it, I would become emotional.

We got to church normal time, I make the coffee, Nate gets out the emblems, and then we got ready for first meeting. Ten minutes into it I got into a coughing fit and went downstairs. 

I got a drink and sat to see if the tickle in my throat would leave. Of course, just sitting in an empty basement causes a person to start thinking about the week and the fact that I didn't think I was pregnant.

I cried out to God "I can't handle this! I can't handle this week! I can't handle the disappointment!"

He responded.

I felt God say to me, "Why are you trying to? You're absolutely right that you can't handle this. You NEED Me! Lean on Me!"

I, then, could literally picture myself sitting in His very capable hands. 

I let go of everything. I let go of all my thoughts, plans, disappointments, etc. Yes, I was emotional but it felt good to realize I didn't need to handle everything. That's not what God wants. God gives us trials to develop our character. Part of that development is realizing that we always NEED Him. In good times and bad. He's always here. He wants us to lean on Him. He'll guide us and help us get through it.

This also led to another thought.

There's things that we feel led by God to do.

I felt led to start selling Norwex. We felt led to build the addition and fix our foundation. We felt led to pursue infertility. 

I think that sometimes we feel led to do something and then we start running. We take off with a shot and don't give God another thought. (and I say 'we' meaning all of us! ;)) 

I picture walking a child to the park. As soon as the park comes into view, they take off. They don't wait for me. They're just excited to get to the park!

We do the same thing! We get so excited for the end goal that we take off and don't wait for God. How can He be leading me if he's not LEADING? If I'm running ahead of Him with my plans, I'm no longer in the following position.

His timing is not our timing. His ways are not our ways.

I ask you...

1. Are you living life hoping you're lucky enough? Or have you given your life to God?

2. Are you trying to handle everything alone? Or are you letting God handle it with you?

3. Are you running ahead of God? Or are you still letting Him lead?

I can't handle it. But God can.

ps.. we had one more event. Nate's step-brother rolled his truck. He is also okay. 

Ralentir

"A leisurely walk is a gift"

That's a quote from the movie Saving Mr. Banks. Mrs. Travers' driver says it.
Their conversation starts with Mrs. Travers commenting that no one walks there. The driver says something about how everyone is too busy and makes the point that leisurely walks are a gift.

Leisure means free time, spare time or time off.

Do you have leisurely time? Are you so busy running around that you don't ever stop?

I often think about the song Running Just to Catch Myself by Mark Schultz. It's a pretty funny song and I enjoy listening to it. But there's a point to it too. One line in it is "I wave at my life as it passes me by".

Are you just waving at life as it's passing by or are you enjoying it and all the little moments?

I'm writing this today to not only challenge you but also myself!!
I've been pondering this idea since I watched Saving Mr. Banks two weeks ago but this week, especially, it's ringing true.. and it's only Tuesday!
This week is overwhelming to me. There's so much going on, my to-do list touches the floor it seems, and I'm not feeling great. There's certain things I need to keep track of, count and figure out. Even if I could get my body to sit still, my mind would be running like crazy.

Stress is not good.
I AM stressed... very stressed. For me, stress makes my health worse which makes it hard to get stuff done which makes me stress more which makes me feel worse which.... It's a very vicious cycle.
Another problem is that we miss out on life. We miss out on the relationship we have in our lives whether it be spouses, children or friends.

My friend wrote down the word "ralentir". She said that it was French for 'slow down'.
She wrote it to remind herself to slow down a bit. They're preparing to move so she's been busy gathering things around the house to sell and pack and basically get ready. But she wanted to remember that if her kids want to show her a picture they drew, she needed to take time to stop, look at it and talk to them about it. Not just say a quick "good job" and move on.

This is important! And I love that she does that!

Do I do it?

I don't want life to just pass me by. I don't want to be at the end of this week wondering what happened to it. I want to have some kind of moment (or many!) to remember.. either with my day care kids or my husband or BOTH!

My husband is a volunteer fireman. There has been 6 fires in the last three days and he's gone to 5! It interrupts conversations and sleep. But it's that time of year and that's our lives. Even still, we try to make the most of the time we are around each other.

Life gets busy. Believe me, I KNOW! But we still need to make sure we're not just running through it.

Let me tell you some things that I've learned to do.
First off, if I'm getting overwhelmed, I tend to get negative and magnify every little thing. I try to make a point to find some positives. Just finding at least two positives helps correct my attitude and get it back into perspective.

Another thing I do if I'm stressed and feel like just screaming or crying, I put on a fun song and dance! Yes, really, I do. My favorite is Footloose. I have the VeggieTales version actually. lol. It's off of their 80s tunes CD.
Anyway, Bob says something in the beginning about getting tired of working all the time. Then they sing the song and at the end Bob say "okay, back to work".

If I'm having a major stressed out day, I put in that CD. My day care kids love it and it helps me too. When that song comes on, they know I'm going to crank it up and we'll dance all togeher. We even have a little routine we do. HA!HA!
Oh, I know I probably look ridiculous and if a parent would walk in, I'd be embarrassed. But it's fun and such a great stress reliever. At the end when Bob says, 'back to work' I'm able to get back to my paperwork with a relaxed feel.
Music is a big part of my life. No matter what I'm doing, music is typically playing. If I'm cleaning around the house, I have it going and I'm dancing to it. (if they ever make a movie about me, it'd have to be a musical. lol)
So whether I'm with daycare kids or just on my own, I'm dancing my cares away. It relaxes me!

You need to find something you love to do.. it could be dancing, writing, reading, singing, hunting, etc.  Just find something that will relax you. Living in a stressed out state isn't healthy and it's definitely not fun!

If my health is such that I can't dance, I color. I will never forget the time when I lived in a house with several other girls. I was the first one home from work and it had been a bad day. I came home, stuck in the movie Aladdin and colored in my Winnie-the-Pooh coloring book. Some of my roommates thought I was a little crazy. But I was relaxed and was able to enjoy the evening with them. :)

I also write a lot of lists. Once I write it down, I allow myself to get it off my mind. I can then go to my list and figure out what NEEDS to be done and what I'd LIKE to get done. I can also fit in smaller jobs if I just have a few moments.

A lot of it is learning time management, too. We have certain responsibilities and yes, we need to make sure those get done. I learned in college that I had to make the most of good days because I never knew when a bad day would hit and I still needed to have my homework done on time. The same is true now. I try to take advantage of good days so that if I'm having a bad day and my body needs to just chill. I can do that without becoming really stressed.
It doesn't always work out but those are the times I need to really remember to pay attention to the relationships around me. I don't want to be so caught up that I brush off moments I could have.

Just this past Saturday I had a lot I was trying to get done. Some things came up that threw off our schedule. But when my husband asked if we should go on a walk around the lake with the dogs and the boys, I knew that I needed to do that. I needed to take time to enjoy those relationships.. not to mention the nice weather. Remember that one fire my husband didn't go to? It happened while we were on our walk so he stayed with us.

Priorities. What's most important to you? Am I putting "things" above people?

If I don't get something done, is it really the end of the world? What's the consequences?
If this is my last day or moment with this person, would I have regrets or moments I missed?

That's where time management comes in. We can't keep putting off responsibilities to go on a walk all day but we also can't work all day putting off leisure.
We need breaks.
Go on a walk. Dance to a song. Color a picture.
Take time to smell the roses, they used to say.

Plan ahead so that you can take advantage of breaks... whether they're planned or unexpected. Don't let the unexpected ruin it!
Like my friend, take a moment to slow down and enjoy that little unexpected moment with your child.

Are you Running Just to Catch Yourself? Are you waving as life passes you by? Are you so busy it's hard to handle?

Whether or not you need it because of the people around you or just to de-stress yourself so life is a little more enjoyable....

Stop.
Take a deep breath.
Go on a leisurely walk.
Dance to some music.
And remember to slow down!

I Surrender

Yesterday while I was doing laundry, my day care boy (3 years old) came in and started talking to me about Spring.

I teared up.

I enjoyed the conversation and he's so cute but I stood there wondering what my child's personality would be. Would they talk to me like this?

I long to know what it feels like.

I watch other families at different events. I admire any babies I see. I even see pregnant women and wonder what that would be like.

In four months time, I will know if having my own kids is truly in my future or not. (We're officially seeing doctors)

In my post "I have a Dream" (read it if you haven't) I mentioned seeing the door to my dream shutting. I've never been quite so close to seeing it latch.

I have a peace though.

Not just "a" peace but His peace. A peace that can only come from Him.
I learned long ago that having a peace doesn't necessarily mean that God's saying I'll get what I want so therefore not concerned about it not coming true. I AM concerned that my dream will not come true. I'm still VERY emotional about the whole topic. The peace is knowing that He's in control and whatever happens is best.

I'll admit it's hard to get to that place and get that peace. It's also hard to stay there.
This week hasn't made it any easier.

Do you remember last year me talking about chest pains? After determining it wasn't my heart, I saw a pulmonologist, gastrointestinal doctor and had a stomach scope with no real answers.
Well...
The pain is back. :(

It hit Sunday evening and was in full-force before I went to bed.
I'll admit it is VERY discouraging to me.
My daycare load was pretty light this week and I had big plans to utilize it.

See.. I just recently became a consultant for Norwex. (check out my website www.amandahilpipre.norwex.biz)

Norwex is cleaning products that don't use toxic chemicals and I'm trying to use all the products so I know what I'm selling. In the process, I'm taking Before/After pictures to testify for the products at my parties. I want to be able to tell my customers my own experience rather than what I've heard.
If I do hear something that works, I try it myself or find someone who can try it for me.

I planned to do a lot of cleaning this week but my pain in my chest has allowed very little. I can only work about 10 minutes and then I need to take a break and just breathe. It's very disheartening especially knowing that next week is Spring Break and daycare will be anything but light.

I heard an idea on Tuesday night that changed my perspective and I think, really, changed my week.

When talking about their own personal trials, struggles and changes, two ladies were mentioning how they pray. They both had changed from praying "this is what I want, Lord." to "Give me the strength and patience to do this. Work in my heart, Lord."

So in other words, they weren't asking God for their desires but rather a change in heart for His desires.

No, it's not wrong for me to pray that my pains will go away or for my ability to have children. But I think they have a point in that we need to pray for His will and His timing. And while we wait, we need His patience and His strength.

Tuesday night I changed my prayer from "Why did this chest pain come back? Please, make it go away! This is going to ruin my week. It stresses me out." to "Lord, give me the strength to do what You'd like me to get done tomorrow and help me be okay with what doesn't get done."

This isn't a new idea or concept. I've talked about this point from all different angles. It proves to me that it's hard for us to be content in our situations. It's hard to understand what He's doing. We all need to be reminded of this and to TRUST Him.

There's several songs written about these same thoughts but the one that comes to mind is called "I Surrender All"
It doesn't even matter what the rest of the song says. Are you able to say those words and mean it?
"I Surrender ALL"

Will I cry if I can't have a baby? Sure.
Will I be sad and disappointed? Of course.
Will I still get up every morning? Yes.
Will I still trust in Him and rest in knowing that He has a perfect plan? Absolutely.

"Lord, help me to be content. Comfort me in days of pain. Give me strength to keep doing what You have called me to do now, today. And please, keep reminding me to surrender all to You. I love You, Lord." Amen.

Be ready

2014

I realize that it's already a month and a half into 2014 but this year has proven itself to be crazy and overwhelming.

Do you make New Year's Resolutions? I don't in the sense that I resolve to do anything differently. That just sets me up for disappointment.
I do, however, analyze the past year and what I'd like to see out of this year.

Honestly, I had a plan for posts I was going to do. I had intended to write about the ups and downs of 2013 and then I was going to start 2014 by doing a series of posts that can improve your life. I read a lot of self-help books. I was going to encourage you in housecleaning, being single, being married, dealing with finances, etc.

Like I said, though, 2014 has already proven itself to be crazy.
For this post, I'd like to tell you about January. I don't think I'll get to February yet because even though we're only two weeks into it, it also has been overwhelming.
I'm hoping to share all that with you at another time AND still do the other posts I was intending to do.

For now, let's talk about January...

During the holidays, my husband's grandpa wasn't doing well. He wasn't eating, kept running a high temp and was just weak. He had been in and out of the hospital for weeks. We had received word that they were hoping he'd get strong enough to make a trip up to the Mayo Clinic to find out what's going on. A lot of honestly didn't think he'd get strong enough.
He did, though, and they found his stomach full of infection and was diagnosed with lymphoma. He was 89 years old and too weak to think about doing chemo or anything like that. The family buckled down to see him pass away.
He was transported back here. The doctors weren't sure he was going to make the trip.
But he surprised us again and made the trip.

He went straight to hospice though. He still wasn't eating or anything so it was just a matter of time. The weekend he got back we were there by his side almost the entire time. My husband was very close to this grandpa and it's been very hard on him.
His grandpa, again, lasted longer than expected.
He lasted through the whole next week. We went up again on Saturday with our boys. Even though Grandpa wasn't able to ever respond, we would talk to him and tell him who was there to visit. Occasionally he'd open his eyes although we don't know if he was really seeing.

We were spending our days on edge. When the phone would ring, we'd tighten up and just expect it to be "The Call". It's was a very long and trying time on everyone.
Every time we'd go visit, we'd treat it as if he wasn't going to make it through the night. So when we'd say goodbye we treated it as if it was truly goodbye. My husband would break down every time we got back into the van. I don't know if it's possible to ever feel so drained.

Eleven days after he got to hospice, we did get a call saying his breathing had changed. Being an hour away, my husband and I started to wrap up our jobs so that we could get there as soon as possible.
Only 20 minutes after we arrived, Nate's grandpa passed away.
I was so thankful that we made it.

After so many days of thinking he wasn't going to last long, I think most of us felt a sense of relief along with our grief.

It's hard to have someone close to us pass away. There's times like this where we literally watch them die and then there's some that are a surprise and catch us off guard.
Having dealt with both scenerios, I know that both are VERY hard.
They have their blessings but they also have their difficulties.

We always say that death is a part of life. We know that it's going to happen but we don't live like it will. I wish I had really listened to more of my grandparents' stories. I wish I would have cherished my moments with them a little more. After a death, it's easier to remember to do that with the ones still with us. But it always seems like a matter of time before I go back to taking my time with people for granted.

Another death we never seem to think about is our own. Not like the actual dying but the death.
Do you live as if life is short? Do you always assume you'll wake up the next morning or reach the destination to where you're driving? I'm not saying go skydiving because it's on your bucket list. We do have a sense of responsibility to expect to be here longer... like having a job, paying bills, etc. But we also need to consider the question... What if?

What about eternity? Are you truly ready to die?
God sent His son to die for us. Most people understand that.
But do you realize that you have to make a personal profession of faith in Him? If you believe, you'll have eternal life. It can't be just head-knowledge belief. It has to be in your heart. And if you truly believe that you need Jesus to go to heaven, then your life will show it. You should be so grateful for what He did for you that you give your whole life to Him.
No one is good enough to go to heaven. We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. We all need Jesus. Have you surrendered your life to Him? If you believe that Jesus died for you and that you need Him to get to heaven (you can't get there on your own), then He will take you there.

I want you to know that even though none of us are good enough to get to heaven on our own, NO ONE is too bad for heaven either. It doesn't matter what you've done in the past. Confess it all to Jesus and turn from your sins. He promises to take you. If you doubt this or still think you're "too bad" for God to love, please email me. I have many Biblical examples I could share with you.

In fact if you have any questions concerning what I'm talking about at all, please email me. It's an important thing to understand.
delightinlord@hotmail.com.

Dealing with death is hard but I'd love it if you would consider your own.
Are you ready?