My hardest trial... so far.

It seems like every time I post something on here God says, "Okay, let's see you practice what you preach."

The same day I did my last post, I had another "event" happen.

As the day wore on, I was not feeling well. I was so nauseous and weak that I couldn't make supper. Unfortunately, this happens to me fairly often. It doesn't mean I'm sick or coming down with something. My body just gets weak.
My husband had his monthly Firemen meeting so was not home. Thankfully, my step-son is old enough to fend for himself. He got something to eat, ate and then headed back outside to play basketball.
I decided to try to eat something. So hanging onto the counters and moving slowly, I made myself some soup.
As I tried to get a Sprite out of the plastic rings, another Sprite fell to the floor. It started spinning and sprayed the entire kitchen!!
Seriously, I had a Sprite sprinkler at my feet!
The bills on the table were wet. The fridge was wet. My socks and pants.. soaked!
Last night (two days later!) I found some on my china hutch!
It seriously went everywhere!
I was feeling so weak that I had to call my husband home to help me. He hadn't been gone long so I figured they were still cleaning trucks and hadn't started the actual meeting yet. I was right.
Thankfully, he came and cleaned the floor. After mopping it twice... it's still sticky!
As the Sprite was spraying everything, I thought of my blog.
"Are you kidding me? I have to laugh?"
In the moment I smiled. I smiled at God's sense of humor.
It didn't take long for it to turn into a joke around here though. My step-son thinks it's hilarious and is sad he was outside and missed it all. But we all still laugh when we see spots on the wall or the curtains.

I didn't decide to post today just to tell you that story though.

I mentioned in my last post that last week there was a lot of stress going on. There was something underlying everything else that was happening.

Six months ago I had my regular annual exam. It came back abnormal. This can happen and it typically means nothing. But they like to recheck six months later.
Last week I went in for the recheck.

This time she saw spots on my cervix.

"It could be nothing!" she said trying to comfort me, "But we won't know for a week."

Those of you that know me personally, know that I want to be a mom so badly. I've wanted to be a mom since I was little and that's all I've wanted to be.
I was CRUSHED at this news.
I felt like I was looking cancer straight in the face.

Each day I tried to think 'it could be nothing'. But my mind liked to run wild.
Was I going to be able to have kids at all? Would we have money to do en-vitro? Would someone be willing to be a surrogate for me? Were we going to adopt?
If it was cancer.. was I going to have to stop working? Would I feel worse than I do now? Will I die?

My mind very quickly went to dark places and I had to draw it back. I had to pray often!

The reaction from others just heightened my fear. At one point my oldest sister (who's married to a doctor!) asked me IF I found out I couldn't have kids, would I adopt. She emphasized the word "IF" but still (in my mind) if the doctor's wife was thinking along those lines, it must be a BIG possibility!

I don't know how many of you have faced things like this. It is indescribable!

It is for sure the hardest week of my life!

The day after I went to the doctor, I was struggling the most. The day before I think I was just in shock. It sunk in more the next morning.
As I was praying I said, "Lord, I need a song. I need a song to run through my head that reminds me how much You care. A song that will stick with me."
I had thought about the song "Cast all your Cares" but for me that was what I was struggling with. I was struggling casting my cares on Him. I needed a song that showed me why I can do that!
I kept praying and laid in my bed until it came.

"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

Perfect.

This song comes from Luke 12:6, 7.  "Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows."  (it's also found in the book of Matthew)

God cares about all of His creation but we, mankind, are the most important to Him.

The song above is "His Eye is on the Sparrow" written by Civilla D. Martin. You may have heard it song by Lauryn Hill especially in the movie Sister Act 2 or maybe Whitney Houston's version.

Here is the background for the song from Civilla D. Martin.

Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York. We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle—true saints of God. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years. Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair. Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them. One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me. The hymn "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience.

The chorus of the song is this:
"I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free;
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

Do you know how hard it is to sing "I sing because I'm happy" when you're facing possible cancer and your biggest dream is crashing down around you?

I've sang that song in my head SOOO many times over the last week and I forced myself to smile during that phrase every time.
It helped!

This entire song helped me keep my focus on God and how He cares. It helped me know that He's in control and He'll be with me whatever the future holds.

I still struggled.
I still had fear.
But I also had God.

What is fear?

Fear is the lack of faith.

Have you ever thought about it like that before? I had just heard it phrased that way recently.
There's all sorts of fear... fear for the world, fear for our nation, fear for our lives on a personal level. All of it is lack of faith. It's lack of trusting God with the outcome.

When children get scared at night, where do they run? They run to their parents' room and find comfort in just being near them. The scary thing may still be near, but they have peace knowing their parents are protecting them.

The same goes for us as Children of God.
The scary (fearful) thing is still there but we need to find comfort in the presence of our Father.

The week has been hard.
Waiting is hard.

Something to remember during a time of waiting... Waiting is a trial in itself.

All trials are to help us build our character and become more like Christ.

Whether it's waiting for news like I was or waiting on God's guidance in your life, no matter what you're waiting for, God wants you to learn and grow during that time. He wants you to depend and rest in Him. Having patience is HARD! But God desires that in us.

I was waiting for the results. I was waiting to hear what my future held.

Every time the phone rang my heart would beat fast and I'd get a knot in my stomach.
When I would talk about it, I would tear up.
The thought of losing my ability to have kids was so real.
Every thing we had going on, I felt like I had to be fake. I had to appear to be Okay on the surface while just under that was a huge fear. I didn't want to tell everyone about it and yet it was on my mind constantly.

I longed for it to be all over. I wanted to move on to the next step... whatever that was.

I finally got the phone call.

The results came back clear!! PRAISE THE LORD!

I still need to keep an eye on things and there's still issues that need to be figured out. I'm not out of the woods as far as possibly not being able to have kids on my own BUT that hope still exists. At this point, there's still that option. That is such a great feeling!

There's still decisions to be made and things to consider. But God has kept the door open.

I wanted to write all of this while the feelings and emotions of the last week were still fresh. I don't think it's ever going to be possible to completely forget what I felt, thought and learned during this trial but I know the freshness will diminish some. Time may heal all wounds but the memory will always exist.

I looked fear straight on.
I wasn't successful the entire time. It wasn't easy by any means!
As I said, the whole experience is indescribable. Unless you have been through something similar, you won't be able to fully grasp it. It's hard for me to describe all the feelings and emotions that happened.
Maybe some of you can relate to that.
Fear and peace seemed to fight against each other. I don't want to relive it. And I pray I never have to.

But I know HE watches me... and I can cast all my cares, fears and worries on Him.

I sneezed and it caused me to spill my coffee

Do you ever have one of those days where everything seems to go wrong?

Lately for me, it's like I have at least one of those days once a week.
The weather is finally getting nice outside and so the kids are going crazy. They're bouncing off the walls.
Earlier in the month, a ball was kicked inside my house and it broke the light's shade on the ceiling. It was a day that I had extra kids. There were 15 kids in my basement plus my husband and step-son!
But guess what?.. at that particular moment, all the kids were playing near the wall. Not a single one was hit by glass! God protected us in that case!
It was also nice that my husband happened to be there. A lot of times he has things to do when he gets off work. That day he was there and even in the basement. So while I picked up the big pieces of glass and dealt with the kid that kicked the ball, he ran to get the vacuum and got the rest of the glass.
I remember that in the moment I thought "what else could happen today" but right now I don't remember all the little things that probably happened before that.

The next week was Spring Break so I expected it to be a little crazier. But the way the week started was unexpected. I had just gotten the kids lunch and was in the kitchen making my own sandwich. A little girl came in with tears and just waving her arms like "come here. come here. come here!" Thinking someone may be choking, I ran in. Well.. her brother had gotten sick. Not only all over himself but the little guy next to him as well. Ugh.
It's always a hassle cleaning up messes whether it's glass or throw up but there's so much more going on when it's someone getting sick. Not only do you have to clean up the actual mess but you have to clean up the child AND make sure the other kids don't make the mess worse. The whole room needs to stop moving (which rarely happens). You have kids that ask several times what happened. You have kids that (amazingly) have finished eating and want to know what we're going to do next. You have the child that got sick and making sure they don't do it again. You have to make sure you're calling one of his parents to come get them. And in this particular moment, I had a little girl freaking out at the whole experience.
It's one of the moments where you feel like screaming and yet have to appear calm so the kids stay calm.
To add to it this particular day, I was having my cycle and was in a lot of pain. It's amazing how that seems to diminish when your body goes into overdrive. But then is worse when the stress subsides.

This past week has just been plain stressful. But there was still one day that sticks out more than others. The kids were bouncing off the wall even more so. They were arguing and tattling more than normal. It was one of those mornings where I didn't get to drink my coffee until later.
I had my coffee in hand and I sneezed. Yep, the coffee spilt over the top. It was as if I was in a car and hit a big bump. It's one of those moments where I say "are you kidding me?"
The kids always make me laugh at this point. They come over wanting to know what's wrong and what happened and if I'm mad. haha.
Later that day, a child knocked a picture off my shelf. Again, I have broken glass. At this point, the week had been so stressful and the day seemed so long, I just shrugged it off. I had the "okay. why not?" type of attitude.
Was the day over? Nope.
It was almost closing time and I only had a few kids left. I had been upstairs talking to a parent and downstairs the kids were getting in trouble. One ended up crying and needing an ice pack.

Working with kids is just asking for these kinds of days. It's never dull.
But I'm sure that a lot of you feel like you have these kinds of days whether it's dealing with children or not.

There's a lot more that I could tell you that's happened over the last few weeks but those were the highlights.

As I look back, I laugh.

I laugh at how crazy life has been. I laugh at how the kids react to different things and how they still talk about some of the things that happened. I laugh at how it seems like when one thing happens, something else does too.

My mom handed me a note the day before my coffee spilled, the picture broke and a child needed an ice pack. What she had written wasn't about anything going on but the paper had something printed on it. It said "When life becomes a roller coaster, raise your hands and enjoy the ride".

It's hard to laugh in the moment. But after we deal with the mess and anyone involved, we need to move on and laugh about it.
Life happens.
Life is eventful.
Laugh and enjoy the ride!

And when you're going to sneeze... set your coffee down first. :)

Between Sundays

I love to read.

I don't do it often because once I get into a good book, that's all I do. I typically finish a book in two days. But recently I read a book my mom recommended.
It's called Between Sundays by Karen Kingsbury. This is the first book I've read from this author although I hear about her all the time.
The book is about a couple NFL players and a foster boy. I won't go into the details of the book but I highly recommend it... especially if you love football like I do.

The NFL player that's a Christian makes the point that it doesn't matter what kind of player they are or whether they win or lose a game, it's what happens between Sundays that counts.

Isn't that true?

Think of it it terms of football players. If there's a guy that's extremely talented but then during the week he's in the news for being involved in drunk driving, domestic abuse or a shooting, I lose all respect for them. I don't care how good of a player they are.

The same goes for us as Christians. It's between Sundays that counts.

We can go to church every Sunday but if we don't live out our lives in the same manner, it doesn't count.

I'm not saying church isn't important. Yes, we all should be actively involved in a church family. It should be something we do every week and not just when we feel like it or because it's a holiday season. It should even be something that we attend all the meetings of the church and not just Sunday.

BUT... that's another point for another time...

Right now I want to talk about between Sundays.

We go to church to fellowship and worship God. It is a very special time and privilege that we have. We need to realize that we should be worshipping and honoring God in all that we do every day. It's not just a weekly check up.

It's a daily walk of life!

If I'm spending my time outside of church doing things that aren't pleasing to Him, what are people going to remember? Are they thinking 'well, she goes to church so that's her priority'? Or are they thinking 'she does all this other stuff and church is just to make her feel better'?
If, in that lifestyle, I try to witness to people.. to tell them about how important God is to me, then what do I become? A hypocrite!

My whole life.. on Sundays and between them.. should honor God. It should tell the world where my priorities lie and what is truly important to me.

Are you living out your relationship with God? Are you going to church and then forgetting what you learned the rest of the week?

Where is your relationship with God.... between Sundays?

Our wedding!!

A couple days ago was Valentine's Day.
The day before that was our 7 months anniversary.
So I figured it's a good week to write about our wedding. :)

I'm a stereotypical girl to where I've been planning my wedding since I was little. A lot of things were different but I was still very pleased with how everything turned out.

Let's start with the date. July 13, 2012.... FRIDAY, July 13th.
Choosing this date goes back quite a few years. My aunt and uncle were married on a Friday the 13th only it was in August. Then my dad and mom were married on a Friday the 13th, in August. With that lead, my other aunt and uncle wanted to get married on the same date. Theirs didn't hit on a Friday though. It was a Monday. lol.
Then we jump quite a few years. My older sister was married on Saturday, May 16th. (pretty close to 13). My oldest sister was married Saturday, June 13th. And my younger sister got married on Saturday, April 26th. (13 plus 13)
The number 13 may seem unlucky to some but it works for us! This year those anniversaries will be 47 years, 42 years, 40 years, 15 years, 15 years and 10 years. We're in good company.
I chose July for a reason too. If you look back at those months we have April, May, June and August. July needed to be in the running too. I would have gotten married even if it didn't land on a Friday but I feel it's pretty neat that it did. :)

There were a few other things that I wanted that were unique. One thing that was very important to me was our programs. I wanted to be like a little book. It told the order of ceremony and who was a part of the wedding party, of course. But it also told our story of how we met and our engagement story. We had the words of the songs in there as well.
Here's Our Story and Our Engagement as it was in the program:

Nate and Amanda first met in High School freshman year when Bridgewater/Fontanelle and Greenfield joined schools.  They never dated but were friends.  Nate played football, and Amanda was a cheerleader.  Ironically, Amanda wore Nate’s football jersey for her Powder Puff game their Senior Year.

         After High School, life led them down different paths.  However, they seemed to run into each other at several community events.  At one point, Nate had heard Amanda was back for Christmas and called to see if she wanted to hang out.  Having been in a car accident and not feeling well, Amanda declined the offer.

         Nate and Amanda ran into each other again at a friend’s funeral.  Amanda had moved back to Greenfield so Nate got her involved with planning their ten year class reunion.  During that time Nate and Amanda started becoming friends again. February 24, 2009, Nate gave his life to Christ by accepting Him as his personal Savior.  That change in Nate made his and Amanda’s friendship open up even more to the point of becoming best friends.  They were together often over the next year.

         February 5, 2010, Nate and Amanda went on their first date as more than friends.  They had a wonderful time eating at Amanda’s favorite restaurant, Olive Garden.  Then they went miniature golfing and showed their competitive spirits.  They ended the evening by just talking together at Starbucks.

         That was the beginning of their relationship. They’ve spent a lot of time together doing things they both love… watching football, being outdoors, leading youth group, and so much more. They were even able to take a trip to Boston with Amanda’s parents and aunts and uncles.

         They’ve always strived to do things as a family with Brady and Noah. They love going to the pool together, riding bikes together and having a family outing to the zoo with their friends. April 20, 2011, Nate took Amanda to Meadow Lake and tried to teach her to skip rocks as they had done on many occasions.  When Amanda turned toward Nate expecting him to give her another rock, he was down on one knee.

         Amanda said, “Are you serious?  You’d better not be joking!  Are you being serious?”  Since she wouldn’t let Nate get a word in, he just held up the ring.  She then covered her mouth with her hands and whispered, “Sorry!” feeling like she had ruined Nate’s moment.

         Nate was finally able to ask Amanda to marry him.  Of course, she said, “Yes!”

         They will forever remember that moment.

        Now today, July 13, 2012, Nate and Amanda will become husband and wife –

                                    Mr. & Mrs. Hilpipre.

Now that you have the background of the date and how we met... let's get to the best day of my life. :)

We were having an evening wedding so I didn't have to get up too early. I had my hair done and then headed to get ready at the church in the early afternoon. 

My mom and my friend were very big in my getting ready process.

                         

My other friend was a big part of my day as well!!

I show you this picture so you can kind of see the back of my hair. I had been growing it out but it wasn't as long as I had hoped. I couldn't do an updo or a veil because of my headache so I chopped my hair a week before the wedding. I have naturally curly hair so we kept that going in the back. 

I LOVED IT!!!

Those three ladies were the ones who kept me calm and relaxed before the pictures and ceremony began.

OH WAIT!! lol

I had always thought that I'd do the pictures after the ceremony because I wanted the first time my husband saw me was when I walked down the aisle. As I got older and experienced more weddings, I decided to change that and go ahead and do the pictures beforehand. But we still had a moment to ourselves of the first time he saw me.

I loved his reaction although a picture could never capture it fully. :)

Thus began a couple of hours of picture taking.

This is our bridesmaids, groom's attendants and ring bearer.

We also had a Miniature Bridal of our 14 nieces and nephews!!

This was something else unique that was important to me. I love kids. I love my nieces and nephews. I knew that they wanted to be a part of this day as much as I did. I loved the way they looked and it all turned out!

Our first family picture.

My Family

Nate's dad's side Family

Nate's mom's side Family

My sisters and I are very close. I loved having them share in this special day with me. I will always treasure this picture.

I now have another sister. Nate's only full sibling. :)

I wanted to incorporate so many areas of my life. These are our youth group boys. They were our ushers and sound guy. I'm not sure they were thrilled to have to dress up and be a part of our wedding but we enjoyed having them there. They're a good group and this picture describes us pretty well.

The ceremony was in our chapel. My dad and brother-in-law (the electrician) figured out a why to make my vision a reality. The lights were strung up over wire and plugged directly into the lights. The light bulbs were loosened so that when the switch was turned on only the Christmas lights turned on. This was so that our only lighting was the fancy lights AND so we didn't have a bunch of extension cords hanging around the walls.

It was great!

All the prelude music was instrumental Disney songs. The processional music was also all Disney. The grandparents and parents walked in to So Close from Enchanted. The nieces and nephews danced in with That's How You Know from Enchanted. The bridesmaids and ring bearer walked in to Can You Feel the Love Tonight? from Lion King. And my dad walked me down the aisle to I See the Light from Tangled.

During the ceremony we had two songs. Bless the Broken Road by Selah and When I Say I Do by Matthew West. Those are the songs we had the words to in the program.

The recessional was more upbeat music. After we were introduced to the audience, we walked out to I'm a Believer by the Monkees. Then the next song connected us back to the Disney theme. It was Ever Ever After from Enchanted sung by Carrie Underwood.

My two favorite men! My dad and husband!

We had the honor of having my dad officiate our wedding.

Our reception was in the newly refurbished Opera House. We were the first wedding event there. My dad has been highly involved with this project for years and so it was great that it was finished in time for us to do this!

There were several things about our reception that was unique and again, important to me.

I LOVE chocolate so we had a dessert reception. 

Cupcakes for everybody's choice of flavors...

with little signs that connected the Disney theme.

There was a Candy Bar.

And notice that it's not all chocolate for those crazy people that don't like chocolate. ;)

And a chocolate fountain!

I actually had a three of these.

One with milk chocolate, one with dark chocolate and one with white chocolate. 

What are we waiting for here?

Our chocolate ice cream and Pepsi float!

We also had a more traditional fruit punch/sprite mixture for those people who aren't very daring and are no fun! lol. JUST KIDDING!

Our float actually was a hit! :)

M&Ms are my favorite candy so our wedding favors were in our colors.

Our cake covered with perfectly symmetrical M&Ms.

Again, since I love kids, knew there was going to be a lot of kids attending AND that they'd be on a sugar high, I had paper covering the tables and crayons in little jars to keep them entertained. :)

One other table had a picture of each of our grandparents' and parents' weddings. 

Our family and where we come from is very important to us.

We were whisked away to a honeymoon in the Dominican Republic!

That's it! That's our wedding! People seemed to have a good time and we got a lot of compliments on a lot of our unique touches. It was a wonderful day and a beautiful beginning to our life together.

10 years

10 years.
A decade.

What happens in that time?
Think about 10 years ago.
What were you doing? How did you act? What were your priorities?

Ten years ago I was 23.
Last Sunday we were talking about getting older and age. We were saying what age we'd like to be again. I said I'd love to be 23 again BUT with the knowledge and wisdom I have now. I don't want to relive those 10 years but if I could keep what I know now, I think those years would have been a lot different.

What's significant about my age of 23?

That's when my headache started. 10 years ago this month.
Every February I spend a lot of time rethinking when my headache started. Can you imagine having pain for 10 years?!? I can barely imagine it and I'm going through it! haha.

At the age of 23, most people are graduating from college or starting their career. Some are married and having kids.
Me?
I was starting something that would change my life forever.

When I think about all that's happened with just my headache, here's what I come up with...
It started horrible. Of course, at that time, I had no idea that it'd be a constant pain. One that would never go away. I was going to doctors constantly. I was barely functioning. Work would send me home quite often.
To add to just the pain, I was on lots of medications. Some that affected my brain.. like not remembering how to tie a shoe.
That was 2003 and it continued to 2004.
During that time, I was trying more extensive things like going to our state's best hospital and going to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. I was on more medications. Some that made me act drunk and say things that I would NEVER say in my normal mind.
Those two years were the worst, as to be expected.
2005 wasn't so bad... as far as my headache. I had some life issues that year but we'll get to that.
I didn't have to go to the doctor as much that year. Well, I should rephrase that. I plain didn't go to the doctor. After so long, you realize that medicine is not fun and want to just learn to manage and live with the pain. This is all with God's help of course! Couldn't do any of this without Him!
As it turns out, it was good I didn't go to doctors for my headache in 2005 because in 2006, I applied for health insurance and they didn't consider my headache as a pre-existing condition since it had been a year since seeing a doctor. I had other conditions they didn't cover but my headache wasn't one of them!
I wouldn't realize how big that was until 2012.
In 2006, I went through a really bad time of having an actual migraine for weeks. I would stay in the dark as long as I could and if I was around light, I'd have my sunglasses on. I moved like an old person and had no energy. People that hadn't heard about my struggle prior to this were really concerned with how I looked and acted. I gradually got better.
From 2007 to 2011, I don't remember anything significant as far as my headache. I'd have good days and bad days. Over that time, I'd learn what my triggers are and how to live life. I'd learn how to put a smile on my face and keep getting out of bed. The bad days are still bad, but it's a mental battle as much as a physical one.
The only testing I remember doing during that time was a sleep study. I also tried acupuncture and other things along those lines. OH! I tried braces as well to correct my jaw. I could pull out my HUGE medical file and look but that just depresses me. :)
Jan 1st, 2012 wasn't fun. I had a migraine. Little did I know at that point that I'd be going to doctors all over again. I went through testing and medications again. I was getting dizzy and losing my balance. For a time, I wasn't driving because it would not have been safe for me to be behind the wheel. I went through all of this until about May or June. Then I decided I had had enough and started to wean myself off all medication.
The rest of the year went better with my headache. But I had a lot of stomach issues. I don't know if all the medication is connected or not. I've always known that I carry my emotions and stress in my stomach but I'm not handling it as well as I used to. In October I got a pain in my side that I still struggle with. I found out in the middle of December that it was the makings of a ulcer. The hole isn't there yet, but I was working on it. I still have to watch what I eat and drink and am still on medication. I only connect that with my headache because like I said, I don't know if all the medicine in the beginning of 2012 made my stomach weak.
OR maybe all the medicine I've taken for 10 years has made my stomach weak!

10 years is a big milestone. So as I think back through these years, I don't want to just focus on the roller-coaster of my headache. I want to think about where I've come from, how I've changed, and maybe how my headache positively affected me.

Last month my family and I were playing a game called Oh Really! It's a great game that we love to play with all sorts of different crowds. It's a game about priorities. There's five words that you have to put in order of how important they are to you. Everyone else is trying to guess the order that you'd put them in. You really learn a lot about people playing this game.
When it was my turn for everyone to guess my priorities, one of the words was 'Pain'. Hmm.. interesting that that word came up for me. I had to think about it for a bit. I honestly can't remember what the other four words were. Sometimes the words are as silly as 'Spoons' and other times they're big ones like 'Faith'.
I decided to put Pain on the top or close to it. My sister was surprised by that but my dad wasn't.

Pain is important to me. It has shaped my life over the last 10 years. Some of it negatively.. sure. But there's positive things as well.

Let's go back to 2003...
Actually, I need to start in 2002 just briefly. That year was a hard year on my family. We went through 7 family deaths including my sister's miscarriage. During that time, I had made the decision to move with my friend where she was going to go to college.
I had tons of fun living with her and loved the job I had while there. But I also struggled a lot with staying on track with God. We didn't go to church regularly and when we did it was to a mega-church that was more to just say we went than to be held accountable to anybody... especially God.
The very day we moved was my first migraine. That was September of 2002. It didn't become constant until February.
I can completely and confidently say that my headache brought me back to God and moved me away from there. I decided to go back to college. I had quit college saying I would never go back there. My headache changed that.
It's a small college and when I went back on the first day one professor was shocked to see me. He pointed out that I had told him I would never be back. I had the opportunity to explain to him what had caused my attitude to change.
My headache.
Those two years were hard dealing with this new pain and also trying to do school. There were times I had to drop classes and figure out how I was going to graduate. This was a Bible college and they were VERY supportive for me during this time. I wouldn't have gotten that grace anywhere else.
In 2005, I graduated. This was the year that I mentioned I didn't have much problems with my headache but my life had some ups and downs. A guy that I thought I would marry broke up with me BUT I moved into a house with a great group of girls. Most of whom are still my best friends. I had slight carbon monoxide poisoning and also was in a car accident. It was an eventful year but my headache took it all in stride. I think that year proved to me that my headache didn't control my life. Life is life and that's that.
Early 2006 is when I moved back home. It took a little bit to find my place here. I was working at a bank when I got that migraine that didn't leave for weeks. I ended up losing that job because of it. BUT because of that, I started babysitting in my parents' home later that year.
Now look at me.
I have a very successful business of doing something I love! People think I'm crazy to watch kids when I have a constant headache but they don't take into consideration two things.
1. God. God gives me daily strength. It's impossible to give Him all the credit He deserves.
2. I LOVE kids. Kids are what cheer me up! They make me laugh and smile and just enjoy my day. We have days where they aren't so great to be around but that would happen whether I had a headache or not.
What else has changed in my life?
I'm married to a wonderful man who takes care of me when my headache is bad. (ironically, he just came home from work with a really bad headache) He and the boys have seen me at my worst where I can't move or open my eyes because it hurts so bad. This man, even though he'll throw up if he sees or smells it, comes into the bathroom even in the middle of the night while I'm getting sick. My husband keeps me on track when I get discouraged and cheers me on when I'm having a good day.
My headache affects my life in a lot of ways. It doesn't control my life but it's part of what keeps me on track. It keeps me daily leaning on God where otherwise I may get foolish and think I'm in control.
I have gone from saying "I have a bad headache" to "My headache is bad".
I'm not sure if I'll ever not have a headache. And I'm fairly confident that even if I didn't have daily pain, I'll always be sensitive to lights and sounds and needing sleep.
That's okay because I have God and 10 years of training.

Satan attacks

After I wrote my last post, I was feeling excited. I started writing down more topics that have come to mind over the last year. I felt that my life and health have finally gotten to a point where I can truly focus on what God is wanting me to do with this. I want to make Him and this a true priority.
Over the last several weeks, I've gotten into my Bible more. I pray a lot more. And my husband and I have been more diligent with praying with each other every night.
But Satan attacks us when he sees us doing good for the Lord.
This past weekend my parents, husband and I went to a Bible winter camp. We were in the Bible often and constantly with other believers. It was cold but a lot of fun.
Sunday night we hit a wall though. Satan used my stepson to hurt us quite a bit.
Satan started to make me feel discouraged and doubt all that I do. He made me question my role in life. Satan is a deceiver.
Think about it.
Adam and Eve lived in literal Paradise. Satan comes in and convinces Eve that what she knows is true is really not true. He knows God and tries to use His words against us. He changes them just enough to cause us to doubt and turn away.
I refused to let this happen! I have learned that the stronger my relationship is with God, the easier I can recognize Satan's plots. I also have learned to take it as a compliment of sorts. If I wasn't doing what God wanted me to and trying to encourage others towards Him, Satan wouldn't care enough to try to discourage me. So I have tried to make it a point this week to dust myself off and keep leaning on God.
I've prayed a lot during this week. I get thoughts going through my head of a negative nature so I stop and pray. I get a pit in my stomach thinking about the future so I stop and pray. I get nauseous from all the emotions and hurt so I run to bathroom and pray.. while I'm getting sick.
The other thing to remember as we go through these times is that God is allowing Satan to do this. God is more powerful than Satan and could stop him at any moment. God doesn't always do that though and I think there's a couple reasons why.
He gives us a free will. He wants us to want Him and to choose Him. The bigger thing is that He wants to test our faith. Going through things like this should draw us closer to Him and make us rely on Him all the more. It builds our character and faith. If there weren't trials, I'd venture to say that we'd all become too comfortable and forget God's role in our lives and in that comfort.
Does your relationship with God grow during trials or become weaker? He wants us to be closer to Him when it's done.
We just got done doing a study of Job at our church. Job went through the ultimate trial of losing all his children, his possessions, his health, everything except his wife and a couple friends.
Here's what sticks out to me...
God and Satan had a conversation in the beginning. God called Job blameless and upright, fearing God and turning away from evil. Satan answers back that God is protecting him. He has blessed his work and put an hedge about him. Satan questions whether Job would still be blameless and upright and fearing God if all those things were taken away. God then tells Satan that all those things Satan can take except Job's life.
Do God and Satan have a conversation before Satan is allowed to deceive any of us? No. I don't think so. But what if they had this conversation about you? Job had no idea that God felt this way about him or that Satan was trying to make him curse God.
When we face trials do we remember that God loves us and wants us to honor Him through it all? Do we see Satan's attack on our minds?
That's something to consider when you're hurting.
The other thing I gain from this conversation is that God didn't allow Satan to take Job's life. He took his health but he was still alive.
Psalm 121:5-8 says "The Lord is your keeper; The Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, or the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever."
Wrap your brain around that. God is our keeper. We will not die one day before He wants us to and we will not live one day longer than He wants us to.

Pause and think about that alone.

He protects us from all sorts of evil. Sometimes this verse makes us think of near death experiences.
Our best friends were in a horrible car accident last May. Some of them certainly should not be alive right now. But they are! God was and is their keeper! He's not through with them yet!
I also like to consider the times that we may not know that God is keeping us. Do we know everything that He protects us from? I don't think so. We just rely on the fact that He does protect us.
He also knows when it will be our time to go. This isn't from a lack of protection but just that our job is done on this earth. He knows when that time will be. He'll protect us until that moment. Then He goes from being our keeper here to keeping us up there.
Now.. keep in mind this isn't something to go test out. I'm not going to go to a shooting range and run in front of all the bullets to see if God wants me to die today or not. The point is that we can fully rest in knowing that He keeps us.
This is not just on a physically level either. Verse 6 said "The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night." The sun can affect us physically we all understand that. But what about the moon? How can the moon smite us?
This is something that was just pointed out to me this weekend. We know the moon is also known as Lunar. We've heard of Lunar eclipse. Well... what about the words "lunatic" or "lunacy"? That's talking about someone we consider crazy or out of their minds. Right?
Have you heard of people saying that more babies are born when there's a full moon? Or how about kids are a little more hyper when there's a full moon? I know first hand the latter one is true! And I've heard stories about hospitals being crazy on nights with the full moon.
The point is that the moon affects us on a different level than just on a physical one. It affects our mentality and emotions. Isn't that cool to think about the verse again? God protects us from the full affects of the moon just as He does the sun.
How amazing is that?!?
I'm not letting Satan win this battle. God is my keeper on all levels. He protects me and I rely on Him. He will heal my heart, my mind and my stomach (it's where I carry my emotions). He has a hold of the future and I can rest assured that He will always be here for us.
After Job lost his family and possessions, he said "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Can you say that in the midst of struggle? Can you Praise God for what He has done?
In this moment, in this trial, I am....
Blessed be the name of the Lord!!

I'm back!

I can't believe how long it has been since I last wrote. It's not like I haven't had topics spring to mind but life has just been plain busy.
I'll try to recap without going into every detail that has happened in the last 9 months.
It was May when I wrote last. Around that time wedding stuff was really picking up. I was having wedding showers and it seems like I was running to the city every weekend.
July 13, 2012 was the big day and it was perfect! Okay.. it wasn't perfect in the sense that nothing went wrong, everything was planned and there were no "surprises". BUT it was perfect. :)
I look back at the pictures and can't help but smile. (I was going to upload more pictures but it's not working so maybe I'll post just about the wedding some other time.)
I remember how I felt that whole day. I was so happy with how everything turned out from the clothes, to decorations, to flowers, to food, to music, to slideshow... just everything! And of course being married to my best friend is amazing!!

After the wedding was the honeymoon. This didn't go as well but was still great! We went to the Dominican Republic. I was sick the whole morning of the flight! We woke up.. I got sick in the hotel bathroom. I got ready.. got sick in the hotel bathroom. We got to airport... I ran to bathroom. Checked our luggage.. I stopped at bathroom. Found our gate.. I ran to bathroom.
Pause for funny story. While I was in the bathroom this time, I hear my husband calling my name. So I go out. He said "they called my name. We have to board!" Now, my husband panics easily when he's in new situations and especially when he's trying to protect or help me. So with me obviously not doing well. He was already in a state of panic. Add to it that he hasn't flown much and never since 9/11, he was struggling. He tries so hard to take care of everything so I don't have to when I don't feel well but it ends up backfiring a lot since he gets so frazzled, he can't think straight. Just picturing him going through security makes me smile. He's a sweet guy, really. :)
I have flown more and was calm about all that stuff.
I try to ask him what they said. He said "they said my name asking me to go up to the counter".
"Did you go up there?" I asked.
You know his response was 'no' so we went up to the guy who called his name. All they wanted to know was if we'd switch seats with someone. haha. We said yes and I went back to the bathroom. (To be fair, he shares a lot of stories about me on this trip too! He even took a picture of me using my really expensive nasal spray! lol.)
Anyway...
I finally got to the point I didn't have to be in a bathroom and could just sit. I bought a Sprite and tried to relax. We then boarded the plane. My husband right away told the flight attendant that we'd need airsick bags. I was literally shaking as we took off. I kept telling myself to take deep breaths. As soon as that seat belt sign went off, yes, I was back into the bathroom. If you haven't spent much time in an airplane bathroom, I'm here to tell you... DON'T! That is where I spent the entire flight. One bathroom for me. The other for the rest of the people.
When we were getting ready to land, however, I needed to be back in my seat. We were sitting in the emergency exit row and the flight attendant was sitting there as well. We asked if there was a way I could get off first but due to regulations, that wasn't possible. So my husband asked if i could run back to the bathroom before everyone got out of their seats. This may sound like it was an embarrassing question but I had just spent a couple hours in the bathroom. The whole plane knew I was sick. The embarrassment was long gone.
The second I was given approval to get up. I went back to the bathroom until the entire plane was empty. In case you've never flown before, I'll explain why I didn't just wait to get off the plane. Once the plane lands, you drive around to get to the gate. I don't believe I was allowed up until that point. I honestly don't remember. But once people are allowed up, it's like a mad house. You have the people who are really rushed so they grab their luggage and get out as fast as they can. They're almost pushy. Then you have the ones that just stand to stretch their legs or something. They're in the way but they don't care figuring there's people in front of them anyway. There's others that sit and wait until a good time. Overall, people are reaching up to grab luggage from overhead, trying not to hit anyone with their arms or bags plus there's a long line waiting to get out. It's just not a fun time... esp when trying to not puke on everyone!
We had a two hour lay over before the next flight. I was able to finally take medicine and keep food down. I slept the rest of the way.
Once there, though, I caught a cold.
I really think it all had to do with the stress leading up to the wedding, the let down of that stress and then add lack of sleep.
Here's more advice... ALWAYS take medicine with you when you travel. The cold medicine down there was SOO expensive!
When looking back, it was still a great vacation. We were in an all inclusive resort.. adults only! Having my profession, there is nothing better than adults only!
The weather was great. The pool awesome. The ocean was cool. It was just amazing!

(again, pictures won't upload right)

What has happened in these 6 months of marriage? There's so much and yet so little!
We have figured out a way for all of us to fit into this house and make it work. We're learning things like I need to shut the door when changing clothes and the 4 year old needs to learn to knock. HA!
We're still leading youth group and actively involved at church.
We still need my husband's old house to sell but making it work for now.
Our lives are busy. It seems like when we have the boys we always have some place to be or something to do. There are times that we seriously have to purposely leave a weekend open or decide not to attend something just so we can be at home as a family. The weekends without the boys seem to be similar except more often than not, we do that to ourselves. We'll schedule certain things on boys weekends so we don't have to get a sitter and so we don't miss out on time with our boys.
We made it through our first holidays being married. This meant buying new stockings, combining ornaments on the tree, and figuring out new traditions. It was a good time!
Married life is good. I couldn't be happier!
As for my health.. the bad headaches I was having at the beginning of the year have subsided. I still have my headache and occasionally it's really bad. But overall, I can't complain at all. I praise God for that!
In October, though, I got another pain. This one in my side. We thought it was my ribs, then thought a  cyst to finally finding out it's really an ulcer. I'm still taking medicine for that and really having to watch what I eat and drink. It's not fun at all!
My business is still going well. I hate turning people away but I finally feel like I'm getting on track with my health and I don't want to mess it up by adding more kids to my life. I love the group I have right now too.
We're really focused on living and being content with how things are now but we're also praying about the future... my job, having our own kids, getting a bigger house, etc.
One thing that has been a lot easier since being married is being under one roof. Before we did everything together but since we didn't sleep together or live together, we had things split between two houses. When we'd make plans after work... before it'd be like "who's picking up who?" and now it's just "let's go!". Or when my husband works on the farm late.. before he would go straight home and I wouldn't get to see him. Now he comes home.. here... together. It's hard to explain but it has made a huge impact on our lives.
With that said, I feel that I should be able to have more time to write on here. I pray that God leads me to do so. Like I said, I've had many topics spring to mind and now I hope to share them with you. I pray that you haven't forgotten about me but that you can rejoin me on my journey of life.