The Wreck

"How are you doing?"

"That's a loaded question these days," I laughed. 

I assumed she was asking about the wreck.

Three Months Before..... 

July 27th, 2017: 

       Thursdays are typically a little different for Nate and I. We would always get off of work about noon because we would have appointments in Des Moines. This Thursday was no different except that we were also preparing to leave for vacation and also needed to get Noah. So we left the van in town to get the oil changed and make sure everything (tires, etc) was in good order with it. We took the truck to Des Moines for our appointment and then drove to where we meet Noah's mom. From there we drove home. The evening was full of doing laundry and trying to get as much ready as possible. The plan was for me to go to work in the morning and then when I could leave, we'd be ready to head out.

July 28th, 2017:

        You know how plans go. They don't. I did go to work and I did all that I could there to make sure things were squared away. I actually didn't need to be there very long at all. Coming home and having everything ready on that end was what threw us off track. It's funny how there's always more to do than you think! (Dog food? She doesn't need to eat while we're gone! HA!) As we're FINALLY heading out of town I text the family and say "Heading to D.C.!" My job and some other things in life had been really stressful so everyone was really excited for me to get away... like really get away. My oldest sister texts "Have fun and relax Amanda!"
"I'm trying" was my response.

We didn't get gone nearly as early as we wanted. That meant we hit Chicago when we didn't want to hit it. I was behind the wheel though which was actually a good thing. You see, I get car sick. I have for as long as I can remember. If you know my parents, you can ask them if it's as long as they remember too. If I'm behind the wheel, there's less of a chance that I'll get sick. This is especially true in stop and go traffic.

We made it through Chicago and ended up at our Friday night destination. Toledo, Ohio.

July 29th, 2017:

        We wanted this to be a relaxing vacation so we didn't want to have to get up early and feel rushed. But we also didn't want to get to the D.C. area too late. So we were up around 8:00 maybe. We didn't rush around but got up, ate the continental breakfast and then headed out. There was a lot of road construction in Ohio. We found out that at certain points it would split and one lane would be called the express lane. This would mean if you didn't need an exit anytime soon, you could go in that lane and not deal with it. The other lane had access to all the exits.

We had two DVD players and two screens in our van. So Brady (17yr old) could watch one thing and Noah (9yr old) could watch something else. They were both set. I had just received a text about our dog at home and things were well. I put my phone in the cubby space in the door. We started into road construction. We took the express lane... no exits. I had gotten out a travel game that Nate and I played a couple years ago on a trip. I set it down and said, "I think I can actually finally relax! I haven't been able to say that in a while!"

"That's good!" Nate replied.

We both looked over into the other lane. We saw a construction guy waving his arms. I looked back in front. I saw taillights. 

BAM!!!!

Airbags!!!!

I hit twice.

Give me a second. I just relived it. It makes my chest hurt.

Okay... 

I hit twice.

I instantly hear Noah crying. Brady and I try to get out. We do as Nate gets around to get Noah. Brady and I run to the cement barrier (between us and the other lane option). We just need to breathe. Nate sends Noah to me. He's bawling so I'm checking him all over. He says it's his chest so I immediately think broken collar bone. I keep looking realizing that I'm not going to know anything at this point. A lady from one of the vehicles comes and says she's a nurse. (THANK YOU, LORD!!) She and I try to talk to Noah. A lady from another vehicle comes. At this point, I'm suddenly very aware that we've stopped traffic.

Obviously, Amanda! It's basically one lane!

I'm looking at the vehicles behind us. The ones not in the accident. I'm looking at these people in the eyes. It was one of the oddest moments. In this odd moment I notice a vehicle ahead of us leaving. I don't realize how important that is until later.

I'm brought back to the reality that I AM in the accident when the nurse lady says Noah can come sit in her van. I let her take him as I ask Brady how he is. He says his leg or hip hurts. Other than that he's obviously shaken.

I'm in major pain. I didn't put weight on my ankle the whole time and my left hip really hurts. Of course, other things hurt like my head, chest, stomach but my ankle and hip were IN PAIN!!

I can't honestly tell you where Nate was during those first few moments. I'm sure he was talking to the other drivers trying to figure out what happened. We saw each other in passing at one point and I asked him to grab my phone out of the door.

As I check on Noah and see that he's doing better and the nurse is doing well with him for the time being, I go to look at the van and try to grasp the situation. 

The one road construction worker that was waving was now over on our side. He was talking to us and eventually helped get traffic moving around us. He said that a white jeep stopped suddenly for no reason. Then the van (the nurse lady) had enough time to just swerve beside him. Then a Durango bumped into him and we slammed into the Durango causing it to move up beside the jeep.

That vehicle I saw leaving before? Yep. The white jeep.

Yes.

The white jeep that stopped suddenly for no reason... that caused the whole wreck... drove off.

He drove off!

He left part of his bumper... unfortunately, not the part with a license plate.

There were other witnesses to the fact that he did stop for really no apparent reason. 

(sidenote: as we were driving home, we found out that in Ohio if you cause an accident and someone is injured or killed, it is automatic jail time. So, he saw Brady and I jump out and knew it was bad? Only speculation)

The police were called right away. The ambulance was called a little later. I'm not quite sure when. We made appropriate phone calls... to parents or whomever. 

The road construction guy told us that if we wanted the ambulance in here, we needed to let the traffic move faster; we needed to get to the side. (the side our cars were closer to.. not the barrier Brady and I ran to). The cop is questioning the others so their vehicles can move out of the way. The van in front was barely scraped and no one was injured. The Durango was drivable and he was not injured (although I'm sure he was very sore!!). 

The road construction guy notices me limping and says, "Ma'am, you need to sit down!"

Brady helped me over to sit. As I went down, my ankle popped. I started crying. 

Brady went to get Nate. The nurse brought me a frozen juice jug wrapped in a diaper (she was great!!). I also told her Noah could come sit with me. 

One EMT was able to get to the other lane so he climbed over the barrier to start initial questions and checks. But we still needed the ambulance to get through the traffic in our lane... remember.. express lane! no access to exits! supposedly a great idea!!! (can you hear the drips from my sarcasm?)

I try to get Noah to think about something else so I tell him that I saw a New Hampshire license plate. But right at that moment a motorcycle going the other direction on the opposite side of the barrier we're sitting against hits their accelerator or whatever it is that makes it sound REALLY loud! It made Noah jump so badly that he panicked and bawled all over again. 

I tell you what... if you are ever... EVER driving by a car wreck or anything.. be considerate!!! You have no idea! 

NONE! 

At that moment, I was more mad at that motorcyclist than the white jeep... especially when I looked up and the EMT, cop, Nate, Brady and road construction guy were all telling me that it was unnecessary. 

I focused on getting Noah to calm back down. 

The ambulance finally arrived. I was loaded on the stretcher. The boys were put in back with me. Nate rode up front.

Since my pain was so high, the guy puts an IV in me to give me morphine. Doing that means he has to hook me up to all of these other wonderful, cords and wires. Noah seems to get better as his concern switches off of himself towards me. Brady says his leg doesn't really hurt as bad but he seems extra quiet.

I know. Quiet is to be expected.

But this was EXTRA quiet. I was a little concerned (that's my counselor/mom in me). But I wasn't going to get a chance to really talk to him for a few more hours. 

It takes a little time to get to the hospital because of the no exit thing plus it's a toll road. 

But we end up at the Hospital in Fremont.

We part ways when we get there. I'm taken one direction. The three guys another.

When a nurse isn't asking me questions, I'm updating my family on our group texts. I tell them that I'm determined to keep going on this vacation. I've seen D.C. and New York City. The guys haven't. If I have to stay at the campground, then I will. But we are going!! 

When I'm saying this, I really have no clue what all this really means. I just knew that I wasn't going to say "okay, I guess we're going to turn around and go home." That seemed silly and pointless in my head. It seemed like defeat and very depressing!! 

We all had x-rays done.

As we were waiting for results, the guys' nurse came in to me. 

She said, "Noah is really worried about you and wants to know if he can see you" 

(tears) 

Then she said, "I also gave Brady a big lecture on not wearing his seatbelt!" 

(can't breathe)

The boys came in. I talk to them about how they're feeling. If anything hurts still, what all they had x-rays on, etc. Noah asked me questions and of course, had tons of stories to tell. It's amazing what all happens when I'm not there! 

Brady was acting more himself. I know we'll all talk about the wreck many more times so I wasn't going to bring it up then. I was content in knowing 1. he was alive! 2. why he was extra quiet. 

We're all told that our x-rays came back okay. The nurse read the boys' release papers to me. Nate was on the phone. Then my nurse came and talked to me. Severe sprain to the ankle and she didn't say anything about my hip. She told me she wanted me to try to walk but would give me crutches if I wanted them. I'm stubborn AND have a pretty high pain tolerance. When I picture myself walking around a city all day long... it's not with crutches!! 

So they wrapped up my ankle and I very slowly got down off the hospital bed. 

We found Nate by the nurses station.

"All the rental places are closed. Not just for the day but the weekend. We're stuck until Monday."

"WHAT?!?!?!"

A nurse shows us where there's a private room where we can make more phone calls or do what we need to do.

Nate is on the phone with an AAA membership lady. He turns her over to me. There is absolutely nothing she can do. There is nothing open in Fremont or in Toledo. She did give us the number to the car rentals in the airport in Toledo. We were too far away for Enterprise to pick us up and still the reality was that everything was closed... even those in that airport.

We didn't know what to do. Nate was making another call. I got up and walked to the nurses' station. I started crying.
I tried to say, "How far is the closest hotel? Are there any rental places that'll be open tomorrow? We're literally stuck here in the hospital and I can't walk far to a hotel." I'm sure I said more and was rambling. The two ladies started writing down some numbers for me and then one said the best thing I had heard all day.
"My husband can come get you and take you to a hotel. Then take your husband to your van to get your luggage."

I went and got the family.

It was a relief to be out of the hospital. The accident had happened around 11:00am and it was after 6:00pm that we got to the hotel. We were all hungry. Of course we ordered delivery since we had no transportation and couldn't move.

Noah was feeling so well that he even went swimming in the hotel pool. Nate and I went down and just sat and watched him. We were thankful that he was able to have some fun.

The lady at the front desk knew our situation so when I asked her for some extra bags for ice, she gave me a whole roll. I filled several so we could each ice our injuries. We were going to be sore in the morning!

We still had the stress of how we were going to get out of Ohio (no offense of anyone who lives there!)

We reached out on Facebook and so many friends from home answered back with possible solutions. We were so thankful!
My mom had also sent me an email address of a church in Toledo. She has a book of addresses of non-denominational churches across the States that are like our church at home. I think the thought is that if you're traveling, you're able to find a church on Sunday no matter where you are. But in our case, it was a way to get help from family... brothers and sisters in Christ.

We had made contact and they had a man that could drive us to Toledo Sunday morning. The problem was we still had to wait until Sunday morning to find out if anyone had anything available for us to drive. So he had stayed home from church and we had to wait until the rental places even opened before we could call.

I'm horrible in those moments. I want to know exactly IF it's going to work out. I want to know if we're staying another night, if we're heading home, if we're heading to D.C., etc.
God was providing in amazing ways but I didn't see all the details until it was all over.

After a restless night of sleep, we drag ourselves down for breakfast. We have time to move slow because the rental place didn't open until 10:00am on Sundays.
At 10:01am we called.

Yes! 

They had a Dodge Grand Caravan!!

The man that could help us lived a little South of where we were (I believe). He came and picked up Nate and they drove to Toledo.
I had to go to the front desk to see if they'd let the boys and me stay in the room until Nate got back or if we'd have to sit in the lounge. I start to tell her our situation and start tearing up. She was fine with us staying an extended stay with no extra charge.

It was probably about 2:00pm that we leave the hotel to go to our van to clean it out. That was hard and I was extremely worried about how Noah would take it.
Since he was so scared at the accident, I figured he didn't really remember what it looked like. I was right. He was just taking it in. The neat part was that he saw how the airbags came down beside him.

We started cleaning out everything and talking about different things we remember about the wreck. This is when we realize that the reason I hit the airbag twice was because of the first initial impact and then when Brady hit my seat because he wasn't buckled in.
My seat was broken and turned slightly.

As you look through the pictures you can see how God protected us. It could have been so much worse!!!

Noah never even had a bruise. I thought for sure he'd have one from the seatbelt since he was crying so hard but it must have been more shock and panic. We only get him every other weekend but the first question he asks me is still "how's your ankle? how's your hip?".

Brady also never had a bruise. Oh man could he have been worse!!! Since we had the Dodge Caravan we had the Stow-n-Go seats. Brady was in the far back and there was a Yeti-type cooler between him and my seat as the passenger. He's 6 foot but still that’s quite the projection. The possibilities of what could have happened to him are almost endless. It is extremely scary to think about and amazing.... A-MAZING!... that he walked away with not even a bruise!

Nate had a bruise on his shoulder from his seatbelt. He also had some bruises and scrapes on his shins from the airbags that came out around the pedals. (I didn't know they had airbags down there either!) For him, the rest was more mental and emotional. He kept dealing with it and thinking it was his fault. In his mind "he almost killed his family." We know it's not his fault and there was nothing he could have done. We've all told him that.
It was just one of those things. Unfortunately... one of those things that we were apart of.

Now there's me. I got the brunt of it all. I had bruises all across my stomach and hip.
Three months later I'm still dealing with pain and after effects. My hip more than my ankle actually. My ankle was in severe pain during the whole thing so that’s where my focus was. Then during vacation we walked around D.C. and New York City. I had my ankle wrapped but still limped a lot. I thought that was why my hip hurt so badly. The week after we got home I didn’t wrap my ankle. I still could barely walk. My hip and ankle were both very sore. It hurt to sit, stand, walk, lie down…. Basically, it hurt to move. My adrenaline from determination to have a vacation was over. The pain was a lot more powerful. 

My ankle is badly sprained. I do exercises and stretches. Occasionally, it still gives me some pain.

My hip has been a longer road. My physical therapist said that the impact of the crash doesn’t really match my symptoms. We don’t know why this is. We do know that my seat did get knocked off and turned slightly (if you go back up and look at the last picture you can kind of see this). The Yeti-type cooler left big marks on the back of my seat so we know that played a big part in knocking my seat off. 

My physical therapist says it's been bothering him so we sat and tried to figure out different scenarios.  He told me that the symptoms showed that something hit my knee straight on and made my hip go backwards. Our thinking is maybe the cooler knocked my seat crooked then as Brady hit my seat my knee did hit the dash. It's only a theory. 

For awhile I was looking at surgery even though it didn't seem to make sense. Surgery finally is out of the question.

A week ago I was cleared from everything. The problem was I had only driven out of town once. 

We never got a new vehicle because I'm terrified. I'm terrified to drive. I'm terrified to ride. 

The one time I drove was to a football game. It was a few months ago and I was definitely still in a lot of pain. I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even sit during the game. 

My physical therapist said that I have to drive though. Not only drive out of town to Des Moines but shop around to see how I do. So a week ago I took my dad Christmas Shopping. I thought I was doing decent. But I felt like a student driver again. I was second guessing decisions which is a big deal sometimes. My hip also hurt all last week and I'm needing to go back to physical therapy when we thought we could be done.

I'm honestly discouraged. 

I want to feel “normal”. This is especially true when I watch the boys and Nate feeling fine. 

I'm sick of the pain. I'm sick of the unexpected pain I sometimes get in my ankle.

They're both getting better and I try to remember how bad I was in the beginning.

And again.... I definitely try to remember how bad it could have been!!!

I mentioned how God was taking care of us during the wreck but He also provided all those little details......

A nurse at the accident

Another 20 minutes into the trip and I would have had my legs on the dash (and folded in half!)

A nurse and her husband helping us to a hotel and to the van to get luggage

Getting a Grand Caravan and not a smaller vehicle or one that would cost us more gas

Providing a driver to get Nate to the rental place (God has a great big family!!!)

A hotel more than willing to help us feel comfortable

A hotel not charging us extra when they easily could have

We still got to D.C. the day we planned... not as early but still! Does that matter compared to what could have been?

God was in there.

We don't understand why it happened and more than likely we never will. But that doesn't change the fact that God protected us and provided for us along the way. 

We were all tense in the van the rest of the trip. But we did it. And we made it!

It was a strange vacation where other oddities happened (skunks at our campsite, 400 Orthodox Jews at a rest area...) but it made it all the more memorable. Those things helped us laugh rather than just have one big negative memory.

I'm still extremely tense in a vehicle. I jump several times and cover my eyes. I don't like being in a vehicle at all no matter who is driving!

If you live here, you'll see me walking. You may see me limping.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm alive. We're all alive."

Praise the Lord!!

TRUST

I have a little boy in day care right now that seems to ask ‘why?’ after everything I say. I change my answer depending on what I’m saying to him (or how many times I’ve already had to say it).

“Please, can you put your cup away?”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want it getting spilled.”

“It’s time to clean up.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s time for lunch.”…..

“Come on, clean up”

“Why?”

“Because we need to get ready for lunch”….

“Guys! Come on, clean up!”

“Why?”

“Because I said so!”

“Don’t stand on the chairs”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want you to fall and get hurt”

There’s so many different scenarios that it happens and different answers that take place. I try to explain why I want him to do it (not just him but all of them) but sometimes I just need them to do it. I need them to not question me. 

Often when I hear him say, “why?” I think of myself asking “why?”. 

“Why can’t I have my own kids?”

“Why have I had a headache for almost 15 years?”

“Why were we in a car wreck… in a different state… on vacation?”

“Why am I still in pain?

“Why did I switch jobs just to lose it two years later?”

We don’t always get the exact explanations from God. He can say “Because I said so” and “Trust in Me”.

Trust.

Have you given that word any thought? 

Here’s another example from day care. 

I have some pretty… what’s the word… passionate?… kids. When a toy gets taken away or they want something and don’t get it or something else catastrophic, it’s the end of the world and they react. It’s not always just fit throwing but also ‘I’m going to take this into my own hands and get what I want”. So I need to make sure I’m there so WWIII doesn’t break out in my home.

Let’s pretend that it’s Jack and Jill. Jack is playing with blocks and Jill comes and wrecks his tower. Jack screams and wants to literally attack Jill but I start saying “Jack, Jack, Jack…” until I have his attention enough that I feel he’s hearing me. Then I tell him that I’ll handle it and I say “Trust me”. Sometimes Jack becomes calm enough where he’s still crying and telling me about it but he’s not attacking. Other times, he’s still pretty mad and it’s as if I’m not there. 

I keep trying to get him to trust me so he doesn’t take things into his own hands. 

Jill will get talked to no matter the outcome with Jack. 

Another example that’s a little different kind of trust is when a child is already playing with something or has picked out a blanket for rest time. Typically this kind of trust takes place when they need to use the rest room. They aren’t allowed to have toys in the bathroom (for obvious reasons) but they get so worried about someone else taking their toys that they may just… well… ya know… not make it! 

So what do I say?

Trust me.

You can have your toys back when you’re done in the bathroom. Please, just focus on what you’re supposed to do!

I’m asking these kids to trust me… ME… an imperfect, sinful human. God is asking me to trust  Him… HIM.. a perfect, sinless, Creator, Just, Loving, Fair God! 

Yeah, we’re talking toys vs life but seriously?!? 

Like Jack, sometimes we want to take revenge in our own hands but we can’t. We have to trust that God has it handled. HE does, believe me… or better yet. Believe HIM! 

He’s saying “Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda…..” (it takes a while before I hear Him sometimes). Then he says “Trust Me”.

Like the child not wanting to leave her toys to use the rest room, we want to protect our possessions or sometimes, as a parent, even our kids. There are situations where you have to trust God. We cannot be in control and protect everything and everyone all the time. 

We have to trust God.

Last baseball season there was one game that I was sitting close enough to the 1st base coach that I could hear what he was saying. 

As the guys run the bases they are supposed to TRUST the coaches. They are not supposed to look where the ball is but keep running if the coaches say run. They are to slide if the coach says get down. They are supposed to stay if the coach says to stop. If they look where the ball is going or coming, they could potential mess up not only whether they get out but the runner in front or behind them as well. They get off track where they’re running if they look away. 

They are supposed to trust that the coaches will protect them. They are supposed to trust that the coaches will do what is best. 

I actually heard the coach say “Don’t look for the ball! Just keep running. You gotta trust me!”

Let me get this right…. You want me to run around with a baseball coming at me and trust you?!?!?!  

(Why? Because I said so!)

Again… trusting a human that makes mistakes sometimes vs God who doesn’t. 

Did you know that baseball applied to life?

(neither did I!)

As we run through life, we’re supposed to TRUST GOD. We’re supposed to keep our eyes on the prize. (Phillippians 3:13,14)

 If we look around and second guess things, we get off track. Things can get messed up. Personally, I add stress and worry that doesn’t need to be there. 

Stress makes you think everything has to happen right now. Faith reassures you that everything will happen in God’s timing!

God WILL protect me. He WILL do what is best. 

That’s the difference between God and the coaches. HE WILL and they are supposed to.

Humans make mistakes. We all do.

But we often expect others to trust us.

Trust.

I feel I have a lot of baseballs being thrown at me right now. Not just trying to get me out but trying to completely KNOCK me out!!! 

July 28, 2017:  Text to my sisters and parents “We’re off! Heading to D.C.!” Several texts happen but oldest sister says “Relax and have fun, Amanda!”

July 29, 2017:  Driving 1/2 hour into our day, road construction. Nate and I are talking. I say, “I feel like I’m able to relax. First time in a while.” Nate says, “That’s good!” We both look over, see a guy waving his arms, look back in front, brake lights, BAM!, airbags.

(I’m shaking just writing about it and I’ll write a completely separate post about the wreck at another time)

August 6, 2017: Got home from vacation

Didn’t work the following week.

August 17, 2017: Terminated from job.

August 28, 2017: Restarted in-home day care

I’m constantly telling myself… OR (more often than not) being told by others… that God has a plan. He has allowed these things to happen. He has allowed the loose ends.

Faith in God includes faith in His timing.

I quoted a couple sayings that mention God’s timing and also mentioned the word Faith.

I do not want us to confuse the words Faith and Trust.

My whole point is Trust. Trust is hard. Trust is a verb.

Faith is a noun.

Faith is something in my possession. It is something I have. It comes first. 

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

Trust is an action.

Trust is something you have to do. That’s why I’m writing. It’s not something that comes easily. It can be broken. 

I’m sure you’ve lost trust in people before. I’m sure you’ve had to try to rebuild trust with people before. 

I’ve heard this example before but I never knew the complete story. 

Charles Blondin tightroped across the Niagara Falls. People on both the Canadian and American sides had faith that he could do it. They stood there and watched, fully expecting him to walk the entire length. 

But… would anyone ride on his back?

That takes an action.

That takes TRUST.

His manager, Harry Colcord, did ride on his back across Niagara Falls.  

This is the part that I had never heard before… 

Blondin had told Colcord, “You are no longer Colcord, you are Blondin. Until I clear this place be a part of me, mind, body and soul. If I sway, sway with me. Do not attempt to do any balancing yourself.”

Two actions of trust. 1. Got on his back. 2. Didn’t try to counter balance.

Wow.

First, you all need Faith. Faith in God and not in yourselves. It doesn’t make life easier (I’m living proof of that!) but it does secure eternal life! If you do not have Faith, if you do not have possession of believing in God so that you may KNOW you have eternal life with Him in Heaven. Please message me, email me, text me. Anything!! It is so important!! 

Any one of us could have died in our car wreck…. If it had been you, where would you be?

Faith is the first step. You need that possession before you can take the action of Trust.

As I’ve talked about, Trust is HARD!! Daily I’m asking kids to trust me. Daily I’m sure you’re asking people to trust you! Think about it…

What’s your job? Who do you talk to? What do you say to family or friends?

Are you expecting them to trust you?

All the more we should Trust God.

We can trust ALL of His promises in the Bible.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

ONE.

We can Trust that He knows what’s best. We don’t always get it!

Believe me! I don’t get what’s been happening in my life!

Trust.

That’s what He asks us to do.

“Why?”, I ask.

“Because I said so.”, He answers.

For those who struggle

I'm going to be honest and tell you right off the bat, I'm not sure what I'm going to write.

I just feel led to share what's been going on and where I'm at in life. I have been feeling so guilty that I haven't been writing to share what I'm going through. I kept waiting for a profound thought or moment, but it hasn't happened. I can't keep ignoring the thought that God wants me to write to you and share. It doesn't need to be profound. I pray that the reason for writing is to encourage others feeling the same way or going through a tough time. Life is hard but it's better when we know we aren't alone.

My last post expressed how I was feeling about not being able to have my own children. It's something that I'm still learning to accept. I also want to say that I know that with God it's still possible that someday I will have kids but in the moment, I need to quit living like it's going to happen. I hope that makes sense.

October 4th I turned 35. To me that was huge. It was the number I had put on myself expecting to be a mom or not one at all. I have cried many days since then. And I've also been diagnosed with depression.

I've seen a counselor and that helped for a while. She compared what I'm going through like a death. So we went through the grieving process. There seems to be more to it than that.

I've tried anti-depressants and they literally send me to the ER.

In November I tried the first one. It was the week of Thanksgiving. My plan was to get these in my system so that the holidays would be easier to handle. I took it in the morning. At about noon I started to not feel great and by evening, felt horrible. Thinking that it must be an illness and not the medication, I took another one the next morning. I can NOT describe to you the pain I was in. My stomach was SCREAMING at me from all different angles. I kept getting sick and sick. By that night, I ended up going to hospital. Everyone still thought that it was too quick for it to be the medication. The hospital gave me fluids from an IV (which I hate!!) and anti-nausea medication. It lessened so I went home. BUT I went back to the hospital every day for four more days. More fluids. More medication. Xrays. CT Scan. No results just total confusion on what was happening. All I knew is that I was rocking back in forth from pain.. whether sitting at home or in the waiting room at the hospital. The nurses kept saying "you look better today" but I kept thinking "is it going to end?!?"
The last day they finally tried a steroid as well. That seemed to kick it. (By the way, I did not take any more anti-depressants after the second day).
Back in 2004, I went through a treatment for my headache. It was called DHE. It was absolutely the worse experience of my life. But this November incident came pretty darn close. It is just horrendous feeling that much pain, not able to eat ANYTHING!!, and just praying the end is near!
I missed a whole week of work. I missed Thanksgiving. And I missed Black Friday shopping with my sisters and Mom.
It was so bad that throughout the next week people would still ask me how I was doing. (Gotta love small towns!) I had lost a lot of weight and still felt really weak.

It seemed to help with my perspective though. My depression seemed a little less. But if any of you have ever had real depression, you know that good days don't last long. It's a chemical imbalance inside and it's hard to control.

In 2001, I thought I was depressed. I would cry all the time for no reason. I was easily angered and didn't get much joy out of life. That is the year I quit college and moved home. Once I got home, I still struggled some but put my focus towards other things. For example, I helped start a youth group at my home church. I felt better and better.
I may have been fighting depression back then but it's nothing like I am now. This is much deeper and a lot less controllable. So it didn't take long for my perspective to be messed up again.

My stomach still didn't like certain foods all through December. After a couple months had gone by, we decided to try a different anti-depressant. I took it at 10:00 in the morning. By 11, I was nauseous. And at 1 in the morning, I was back at the ER. This time we at least knew it had to be the anti-depressants. I felt the exact same as I had in November. It was horrible and all the more frustrating.

With depression you feel like there's no escape. I'm in a room with no windows or doors. I know there's something wrong with me but can't get a grasp on it. I explode. I cry. I break down. I have guilt. I have anger. It's so HARD!!!

We asked for the steroid right away and he gave me a bigger dose of anti-nausea stuff. I ended up back at hospital the next day again.. more fluids and more meds. But then that was it. We had hit it strong enough that it was over quicker.

I still avoid certain foods and eating too late in the evening. I don't have my appetite back yet which isn't necessarily a bad thing. :) I really have to be aware of what and when I'm eating. So not only am I trying to control my emotions but I have to constantly think about my stomach as well.

I feel very lost and confused.

To add to the depression, headache and stomach issues, my day care income has dropped. It's put a BIG strain on our finances. It wasn't so bad at first but as months wore on and medical bills came, it became a HUGE problem. (Still trusting God for a miracle of provision)

My husband sees light at the end of the tunnel and all I see is darkness.

It's hard when people can see right through me. At church I say "I'm okay" and every single time the reply is "you're lying". I'm not okay. I know that.
One day care parent said "You're sad. I can tell in your texts. Your eyes are even sad."

There are very few days that I feel myself. My old self. The one that'll get up and dance.
If I'm up dancing now, it's strictly for the kids' sake. I do my very best to keep everything pushed down while I'm working.

I try to focus my attention on my job and the kids in my life. I think about how I'm a step-mom and what my role is there. I know I'm a wife and have been trying out lots of new recipes for supper ideas. I think about the impact I have on my daycare kids.
I AM trying. It's just not strong enough.

I try to come up with a new passion like I had in 2001. But everything that comes to mind either needs our house project done (still living in limbo) or needs more money. I keep praying God will show me how He's wanting to use me in the now.

There's days that aren't too bad. I get through them. Then there's days that are just awful. Everything builds up and I explode.
I told my husband that I'm constantly full. So it only takes one thing (and I never know which thing and why), to make me completely overflow.

God is here. I know.
God will not give me more than I can handle (with HIS strength!!!).
God loves me and wants the best for me.

I KNOW all that. Believe me. I do. My faith is not shaken and I'm not turning my back on Him.
I just feel lost and alone.

Like I said in the beginning of this post... I don't know why I'm writing. I don't have anything profound to share. I don't have any answers or big lessons learned (yet).
So I guess I'm just writing so that if you or someone you know is also struggling with depression, know that you are not alone!! It's so hard!!

Only God is getting me up in the morning. Only God gets me through each day.

I'm sure my husband is right in that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure that someday I'll be passed this or will find a way to get my chemicals in order again. It takes prayer and time.

People consistently tell me I'm strong because of all that I've handled in life. I honestly feel like a failure right now because currently, I'm not handling life. I don't typically ask for help from others. I deal with whatever is happening and focus on giving to others.

I can't do this alone. I need God but I also need you.

Will you please pray for me? I'll pray for you.