Triggers: Mental Illness Part 2

There was that smell.
That specific smell that brought up the thoughts of my aunt and uncle's house.
It was comforting.

Have you had that happen?

I hear people say it a lot about their grandma's house.

Maybe there's a song that reminds you of someone or a certain time. Like a song you danced to with your friends while "cruisin'" or at Homecoming in High School.

These are called Triggers. 

You may or may not have labeled them. A lot of you may have said, "that triggered a memory" and not even realized that you're using the actual term.

I've been talking on Facebook about writing more about mental health in my blog. I wrote my one about Suicide in October and the initial one about Broken People in August.

Why such gaps?

It's triggers.

I even had this one written a week ago but couldn't bring myself to publish it yet because it was too hard to read through to edit it.

I thought my next one would be about Depression or Anxiety/Panic Attacks. I tried and I tried but I couldn't do it without breaking down.
Looking back to see when I first started anti-depressants and why I did, first time I went to a counselor and what led me there, or reading past posts while in the midst of discovering my mental health and seeing now what was really going on.

They were triggers.

The biggest thing is that I didn't fully understand my own mental health until I started doing more research. I started researching as an attempt to save my marriage, praying for a day that I might be able to explain it all to him.
Although that hasn't happened, I've been able to show my parents and my sisters. It's help me understand myself and how I act, feel and think, and WHY I act, feel and think that way. 
It's putting into words... well... Me.

A few months ago I was told that I needed to be in constant therapy rather than researching it.
Honestly... I'm doing both. I see a therapist once a week. I also keep in contact with my psychiatrist. That part, however, I was doing before as well. That person said it to hurt me, but it hasn't stopped me from continuing. 
I haven't had a chance to talk to my husband about anything since the day he left and I won't get a chance to explain it to the person that said those hurtful words. But researching mental health has definitely been a positive in my life.

Now, I have a very strong passion to share with others.
I'm learning from other people that they suffer or their spouse or child suffers. It's a VERY hard thing to work through. I want to help in every way possible so that other families aren't broken or struggling as much. I want to share my mental illness with everyone and anyone. I would love to start traveling and speaking on such a topic.

If you know me or follow me, you know I've had several trials (as I call them) in my life.
A constant (yes, 24/7. yes, I have one now) headache for almost 16 years, I've gone through the infertility rollercoaster, I have hip pain from a car wreck, etc. 
All of us have things in our life that push us to our ends. As I look back over my life... child, teenager, college, career.... I can see different times that my mental health affected my life. I had NO idea. We'll get into that more on other posts.

I would love to go into the big topics of Depression or Anxiety but I'm not quite there yet. I start trying and then my mind goes to "the dark place". That is what I call sliding down the slope of depression that has suicidal thoughts at the bottom. I have learned to become aware of that edge and try to stay away from even the top of that slope.

I've decided to talk about Triggers instead. Like I said in the beginning... triggers are what's stopping me from those big topics at the moment.

What does it mean in the mental health world?

Triggers are something that is seen, read or heard that causes distress. It arouses feelings or memories associated with a particular traumatic experience. It makes ALL the pain of the past (related to that trigger) seem present instead of happening months or even years ago. The pain becomes so intense to the same extent it did when that experience happened. A good example (and most well-known) is when a military person has a flashback from being overseas. I want to go into specifics of that on another post (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc) but that's the example of a trigger most people understand.

Triggers can be small, big or huge. Triggers can be expected or you could be completely blindsided.
Lately... I've been blindsided a lot.

Triggers are scary... especially the unexpected ones. Standing in Menards and suddenly having tears is not my idea of a good time. It makes me scared to go anywhere.
Seeing something I wasn't prepared for is another scary trigger.
Just like anything else, however, they need to be dealt with and not shoved under a rug. And definitely not buried so that when a bigger trigger hits, you can't avoid that slope of darkness.

How do we deal with triggers then?

First off.. let's talk about the expected ones.
It seems easy but it's not. Anytime you have to fight mentally, it's not easy.

***Sidenote: For any of you that are trying to live with or help or just want to know... Here's tip #1...
We're struggling with a constant mental battle. We don't want it to come out in the ways that it often does. But we are seriously, constantly fighting in our own minds. We don't want to live this way any more than you want to live with us. We don't want to have such negative thoughts in our heads. We aren't being lazy or angry or undependable by canceling on purpose. We hate it, too. The mental battle is draining.***

Back to expected triggers.. PLAN. That's the best advice. Plan ahead, go through the possible outcomes and give yourself possible ways to get out or away from the trigger.
I'm going to use Christmas for example. I love Christmas Carols but this year it was hard. Every year on Christmas Eve (or pretend Christmas Eve when my sisters are in town), we sing Christmas carols around the piano. I talked to my therapist about how I was afraid. So we talked plans.
1. It's okay to cry and hurt.
2. I could walk away for a bit and come back.
3. I could just go home because my family would understand.
4. I could find something in the room that could draw my mind out of the trigger.

I went with #4 but with the hurt and some tears in #1.

I couldn't bring myself to sing along. But any time my mind would wander towards the triggered memory, I would bring it back to the room by counting how many snowmen were in the room. Or how many kids were wearing red. Or how many Nativity Scenes were on the Christmas tree.

This is finding something tangible and focusing on the Now rather than the Then.

It's obviously harder the stronger the trigger.

Now.. the unexpected ones.. I have no solid advice. They are not fun and they are hard to deal with (using loose terms). I guess, just be okay with feeling the hurt. Cry it out in a safe place. BUT don't live in the pain. Feel it, deal with it, and then try to move on. WAY easier said than done.
Another suggestion is to remove yourself as quickly as possible if you're losing your mental battle. Most situations this is an okay thing to do. Safer actually. But sometimes it just plain isn't okay and you're stuck. Try.. TRY to do the tangible thing to bring you into the present. BUT deal with the emotion later.. NO BURYING!

I do in-home day care so obviously I can't just leave if an unexpected trigger happens. Depending on the intensity, I'll call my mom or sister to take my place or I'll just go right in the middle of the kids and FULLY focus on them. I don't check my phone or work on the paperwork. I move myself right into the kids. Don't think I don't play or focus on the kids as a regular thing but I'm talking about turning on music and dancing or just sitting right in the middle of the play area. If you get on the floor, it's amazing how fast kids climb on you. lol.

One of my biggest unexpected triggers happened at a concert. My friend, husband and I were supposed to see Casting Crowns at the state fair. By the time it came, we were already separated.
As my friend and I were driving there, I went through all the possible songs I could think of that may trigger my emotions. My husband loved Casting Crowns so it was something we listened to often.
I teared up on many songs but that seems to happen at any concert. At the end of the concert they ran off the stage, you know they're coming back for an "encore" but I was relieved that I had made it through.
Then the song came on. It was the ONE song I didn't think about or warn my friend.
It was a song that we had sung at church back when we first started dating. We would sing it together any time it came on the radio.
I literally dropped to my knees in tears. I wasn't hiding between the rows of chairs but I just didn't have the strength to stand. I bawled through the entire song.
That song was (and is) a huge trigger. An astronomical one. AND it was unexpected. As much as I tried to prepare, I was still hit.
I tell you that story because it does happen. It's hard for you and the loved one with you. You can't prepare for everything. Triggers of all sizes can come out of no where. It's normal. I believe it's normal for any person. But for those that struggle with a mental illness, it can be debilitating.

After these mental battles.. big or small.. I'm drained, therefore, I sleep (if possible). But I, myself, also need to be careful that I'm not using it as an escape and burying the incident. A lot of times it's my dad that forces me to stay up and not sleep. He seems to know when it's okay and needed or when it's something to fight against.

Another tool that is always there for any of us is God. In the midst of the trigger or before or after, we can look to Him. 

I posted on Facebook a while back that Jesus understood betrayal. He was betrayed. So He gets what I'm feeling. He experienced all sorts of emotions in the Garden of Gethsemane before He was arrested.

Something else I recently came to realize was that God already knows my pain and my triggers. He's not surprised when I cry out for help because I'm weak. He wants us to! He commands us to!
"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness" Matthew 6:33
This verse is in the middle of talking about worry. I highly recommend the entire chapter.
Part of the previous verse says "For your Heavenly Father knows...".

He knows!

Fear is huge when it comes to triggers.

Fear comes from Satan. He's the ultimate deceiver and tells us lies.
For someone with mental illness, this can truly be fatal.

I saw a saying "Have your FAITH be bigger than your fears".
It's so true. We need strong faith.
Does having a mental illness mean I don't have strong enough faith? NO!
Does having a mental illness make it harder to focus on faith? Yes.
It takes discipline and learning.

I have this new sign in my dining room. It says "Faith is not believing that God can. It's knowing that He will."

This doesn't mean if I have enough faith that God not only can, but will give me everything I've asked. Having faith doesn't mean you'll know what your life will look like. Having faith doesn't mean life is easy.
BUT by faith I can trust in all of God's promises. By faith I can know that He will deliver me in His own way.

I don't lie there and pray saying that God can help me. I lie there and pray knowing that He will!

It may not be when I want it to be or as quickly as I would like it to happen. But He WILL give me strength as I keep remembering to rely on Him.

Trusting God also means trusting His timing.

The third thing I've learned recently about praying is to not do all the talking. Sit and listen as well. That will be part of the healing. It's very hard!! My brain doesn't shut off but I try to focus on listening to His comforting words.

God loves you. 

Read that again... God loves YOU. Just as you are. It's one of the things I keep repeating to myself in the midst of a trigger. God loves me, He has a purpose, He WILL get me through.

Everything about prayer tells us that God WANTS a relationship with us. From the very beginning with Adam and Eve. That's the purpose. He doesn't want robots; He wants a relationship.

I feel like I've lost everything. But God is everything. And NO ONE can take that from me.


I would like you do a couple things for me.

Study Hebrews 11. Some call this the Hall of Faith. It gives us many examples of people who walked by faith. If you don't know the people it mentions, then look up their story. Yes, it'll be time consuming but worth it!
Hebrews 12:1-3 are my favorite verses. There is so much in those verses that I'll have to expound on them a different time.

The second thing I'd like you to do is read through some of the Psalms. David (who wrote a good majority of the psalms) went through many struggles. He expresses himself in a way that we can also approach God. He got depressed. He got scared. He got anxious. Read a few. You'll be encouraged. You'll see when he's almost yelling at God. You'll see when he's confessing to God. You'll see when he's been quietly listening to God. 
Psalm 55 is a good one. 

If you don't have a Bible, I constantly use the Bible app. I use it to find devotions and it's easy to read the Bible wherever I am. 

The other things I'd like you to do is listen to a couple songs for me... (okay, three).
I'm a music person. Songs take on a very special meaning. I like to really focus on the words. They can have such a great impact. I think that any song I've posted on Facebook I've made public, so you can go listen to them.

These three, however, you should look up yourself.
"Fear is a Liar" by Zach Williams
"The Breakup Song" by Francesca Battistelli
"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns


As always... please reach out to me if you want to discuss mental health, if you don't understand faith, if you want to do a Bible study together, or anything else that comes to mind.

A person that just spoke at our church said "we suffer so that we can comfort others". That's my passion.

Message me on Facebook (Amanda Cannon) or email me at the address connected with my blog (delightinlord13@gmail.com)



Remember... Triggers are normal. Triggers are hard. And Triggers are difficult to explain to others.
But they're real. It's okay to recognize them (good, in fact!). Understand them and work with them. That, in itself, can help relieve part of the mental battle.

Don't get discouraged. 

One Saturday I was doing great then one.. just one fleeting thought.. sent me back to bed. It happens! With mental health, I think it will always be a part of our lives. Be encouraged that there are others out there struggling as well.

More than likely this post was a trigger. I'm praying for you. I'm praying for the ones who are walking this road with you. Please try to use the tools I have suggested or maybe some that you have figured out on your own.

You are not alone.

PAUSE: Mental Illness Part 1

I have two friends that have a semi-colon tattoo.
One thinks of it as "pause" like it would be used in a sentence.
My other friend uses it as "my story isn't over".

One of these friends has multiple suicide attempts and has given thoughts to it many times.
The other knew it was part of a suicide movement but hasn't attempted. She got to the point of just praying "God, please take me."

September was suicide awareness month. Were you aware?

It seems to be a topic that many of us want to hide. We want to hide it in fear because it has such a negative stigma.

Keeping it secret is actually very dangerous.

In no way, shape or form, should it be glorified. But, on the other hand, it can't be ignored either.

It's a topic that needs to be discussed in a serious way. In a real way.

Not in a movie like 13 Reasons Why, but by real people, with real struggles, without all the graphic, over the top details.

About 2 years ago, I, myself, attempted suicide.
That is why I have this tattoo on my ankle.

It's the notes for the last phrase of the song 'Because He Lives' by Bill and Gloria Gaither. It says, 

"Life is worth the living, just because He lives." Seeing it reminds me that life is worth it because He loves us so much. He came to Earth, died and rose again... CONQUERING death. (I love that part!)

I was told, back then, that I was destroying people's lives and no one felt safe around me. So I grabbed the closest bottle of pills and dumped it in my mouth. The person that was there knew how to choke me in such a way that didn't stop my breathing as much as just stopped my tongue from swallowing. I fought him for a little bit but eventually gave in and spit them all out. 

When he left, I called my friend that can also be suicidal and I started walking towards her house. I said, "Come on, let's go. Let's take a car and just drive into a lake." She (thankfully) was extremely stable that day and didn't allow me to talk in such a way. I kept trying to convince her to do it in any way possible. Or for her to just kill me but I'd leave a note so it wouldn't be murder.

The thing was that I was dealing with such pain... such horrible pain... I didn't know how to deal with it. I wanted it to stop. It wasn't that I was thinking about no longer living... or even dying to see Jesus. I wasn't even thinking about leaving this world.

It was all about stopping the absolutely horrendous pain. 

Suicide is a tough topic. 

There's so many facets to it. 

Some that take his or her life, plan it out. They are ready for that moment when it's going to fall into place. (Or at least, they think they're ready)

Others, like me, it's a mental struggle with my mental illness and it happens just at certain times. That incident was two years ago and it just recently became a battle again.

The bottomline is that no matter what, it's a struggle and one that can't be handled alone. 

I've been learning more and more about my mental health and mental health in general. I have a minor in Biblical Counseling but it didn't go as deep as real life can. (As you can see this is Part 1 of my Mental Health topic, so there will be more to come.)

I have a plan.

Not a plan for committing suicide but a plan for when those thoughts become real. 

I call a friend. A friend that knows about my situation and my struggles. I don't always say "I'm suicidal" but sometimes it's as simple as "the darkness is coming or here." Just talking can help get me through the moment.

Then there's the times where that unbearable pain comes up and I can't be alone. I know I can't be alone. I grab my necessities (dog, phone, phone charger, ONLY meds needed for that night). Then I head to my mom. She is amazing in this way (in several ways, really). 

Let me try to describe this to you. 

Something triggers it. It doesn't randomly come from no where.

It is emotional and mental pain that runs so deep that it's physical.

It hurts. I want to physically rip out my heart. I can't breathe and I feel like it will never end. 

It's like I'm stuck in a burning building and I know where the exits are but I can't get there. All I can see, feel, smell and breathe is the smoke filling the room. 

It is a very serious attack. Satan's attack.

When the most recent time happened, I ran to my parent's house and was lying on their floor rolling back and forth in the fetal position. I wanted it to go away.

Again, it's not that I necessarily want to live this world for good. But the pain is so intense, it seems to be the only true exit out of the burning building. 

My mom got on the floor with me and held me. 

When Satan attacks, we HAVE to remember truths. 

God loves me.

God will get me through this.

God has a purpose for me.

Here's the deal though... 

On the dark days, Scriptures you haven't read aren't going to pop into your head. 

If you aren't in the Word, the truths won't come to you to help you fight the battle. 

If you aren't in the Word, you have to figure out God all by yourself. 

The Word is living and active and helps us KNOW GOD and learn His promises and truths. 

He's not just my God on the dark days. He's my God everyday.  

I'm scared for the youth of this day. I don't feel like they are being taught in a manner that's truly helpful. If they're being taught about suicide from a movie that seems to promote it, that's not helpful. If they are being taught to figure things out on their own with no guidance from adults, that's not helpful. If they are learning from the church only shame and not God's love, that's not helpful.

Suicide is huge. And it needs talked about. There needs to be awareness. 

So many people live in secret and that only makes the darkness stronger. We need to feel safe to say "Help!" without taking the actions that may be permanent. 

I saw this shirt that also has the semi-colon. It says "You matter. Don't let your story end."

I love that. 

In the times that I have felt like it was my only escape from pain, I didn't understand that I DO matter. So few of us realize that going through with it, could end our story. We aren't thinking about that part at the time. We just want to escape the current situation.

If you are feeling like anything I've talked about or even close to it, I want you to PAUSE. 

Reach out to someone whom you trust and can hold you accountable. OR reach out to me. Please!! 

I'm on Facebook or my email is delightinlord13@gmail.com.

I need you to know God's truths. I need you to know God's Word. I need you to know you are not alone. And I need you to know that I will love you and God loves you, too.

(on Facebook I have a group called Manna for Broken People. If you'd like to join that group, look it up or message me)

My birthday is this week. After talking about dreading getting older, my friend said, "In our cases, we certainly should be celebrating our huge WIN! Our winning-ness at life because there's so many days we wish we were not here."

Suicide is a mental battle within. I want every single person to face another birthday realizing that God has a purpose for them. 

I understand wanting to escape the major battle of the moment... the moment that feels like it's going to last forever. But forever is a long time. 

On this side of death, God is able to pull us through the darkness. 

On the other side... that's a permanent 'forever'.

Whether your eternity is set to be with Him forever or you don't know (You can KNOW! Talk to me!), what seems like an eternity here on Earth, truly isn't. 

PAUSE.

Your story isn't over. 

Broken people

There is so much happening in my life right now that it would take you days to read all about it. It would be better off as a book so you could keep track of where you left off.

God led me to start writing a book many years ago and I did.

Maybe His purpose is to add chapters now.

But in the meantime, I firmly believe that He wants me to use this approach and avenue He is leading me to take.

When I first started blogging it was to encourage others with my life. It was never to be "here's what I did this weekend" type of blog. I wanted to write about things and events that God inspired me to write hoping it would encourage someone else.

For most things in life, we aren't the only people experiencing them. 

It helps if we know others out there are going through the same thing.

At this point in my life there is so so so much happening, I don't even know where to begin.

But God has laid something huge on my heart.

I want to write a series of posts about different topics that I have dealt with (or am dealing with) in my personal life. I might do a few that a personal friend or relative has been through but for the most part, it's me. 

I graduated college with a counseling minor. We had to give presentations about different subjects we may encounter in our careers. I found working from personal experience proved to be the easiest and best way for me to talk about any topic.

I feel so strongly about some of these topics and that God is working in this that I want to open my home. With a lot of the trials we face in life, we want to keep them behind closed doors. I know from (again) personal experience that there's great danger in that. 
I will talk more specifically about this in those posts.

Here's some of the example topics... Mental Illness, Finances, Marriage, Sibling Rivalries, Separation/Divorce, Clutter, Anger, Dementia, Step-Parenting, Infertility, Expectations

I'm positive that some will spill over into others. I'm also positive there will be more coming. 

I do want to say that I haven't mastered any of these. I am not an expert and I'm not looking down on anyone.. only looking up. 

We never will understand all of these on this side of Heaven. 
***Speaking of Heaven, I am a Christian; that is a very big factor in every part of my life. I am not ashamed of it so it will be a part of my topics.***
My posts have been thrown in my face by people (yes, more than one) I love and that's just part of the struggle. I say that to really show that I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be. I slip up just like the next person. The biggest thing I want you to see is that you're not alone in ANYTHING.

Songs are another big part of my story. Christian songs. If you go to my regular Facebook page (Amanda Cannon Hilpipre) you can see the songs I've posted recently. I believe I've made them all public so even if we aren't Facebook friends, you can listen to the song.
Music has been a part of my entire life. I have a musically talented family. I would say that listening to a song isn't just listening to the beat, but hearing the words. 
I definitely love some fun, silly songs! But most songs I'll refer to here, will be the ones that actually speak to me on a deeper level. 

I'm also making a Facebook group for those of us that are truly broken. Again, I'll explain more about it as the topics come up. It is called Manna for Broken People.
Manna because my younger sister calls me that. But also Manna from the Bible. God gave the Israelites manna as they traveled from Egypt (Exodus 16). 

Moses is reminding them...  

"He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord" ... "In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end. Otherwise, you may say in your heart, 'My power and the strength of my hand made me this wealth'" 

Deuteronomy 8:3, 16-17

I'm going to completely open myself up... scars and all.

God uses our brokenness when we're willing to be transparent.

I look forward to going through this journey with you.

The Package Deal

Three visitations and funerals in two weeks.

*sigh*

Three visitations and funerals in two weeks.

Goodness.

That was a month and a half ago. It was wearing.

Physically. 

Emotionally. 

Mentally.

There was one year we had seven deaths from the months of May to October. I remember it ended in October because the last one was on my birthday.

Deaths are always hard. I just wrote about that. 
Deaths in multiples are SUPER hard! 

Stick with me... I am going somewhere new... 

When we were waiting in line to talk to the family at the third visitation, something happened between my mom and I that I also shared with my dad and sister that were also in line. It's personal so I won't share the details. But it was one of the moments where I saw my mom slightly different. It honestly scared me.

I could see the effects of her brother's death and all the dealings that surrounded that. I could see the effects of my grandma's dementia and the constant care and thought my mom gives her. I could see the effects of the fact that her nephews and niece were hurting again so soon and dealing with so much. I could see the effects of this death being a friend she used to have games parties with. I could see so much more that she wouldn't want me to share here on a public forum. 

The biggest thing? 

I saw the effects of this world. 

The moment actually really scared me. I saw the fear in my sister's eyes as well but also wisdom. But in my dad's eyes? I saw calmness and peace. 

This world is full of sin. Full of death. Full of pain. Full of sorrow and tears.

BUT... 

Where was my dad finding that calm and peace? One place. 

God

Easter is my favorite holiday. FAV-OR-ITE.

I get into the Easter spirit like most of you get into the Christmas spirit.

Typically the whole week before, I'm celebrating.

Some may not call it 'celebrating' as much as getting into the 'spirit of the holiday' maybe?

I've done some research to focus on what Jesus did every day the week before His death. I start with the Sunday before. The Sunday many of you know as Palm Sunday. 

MY plan was to write on my blog every day that week so that you, too, could go through the week with me. That, however, was not meant to be.

That Sunday (Palm Sunday) I was sick with a horrible cough and headache. I had no energy. I seem to get this cough anytime Iowa attempts to start Spring but then Winter butts back in. With so many illnesses going around, Nate thought I should stay home and rest just in case it was more than just that cough.

From then on, my week just didn't go as planned. It was one thing after another. 

A friend and I evidently decided to go on a life rollercoaster ride together. (At least we were together)

Although influenza hasn't hit my day care, (Thankfully!) I did have some illnesses pass through with a couple kids.

My dog also decided to get sick a few times to keep things interesting.
It was a very bumpy, slightly frustrating week.
I was either on the phone, cleaning something up, or too exhausted to think.

And on Good Friday... I ended up in the ER. Yes, for real. 

I was in a lot of pain and was throwing up. No fever. No other symptoms. 

I was so sad.

This was the worst Easter week I could remember in a long time. My favorite time of year and I couldn't even celebrate.

After blood work, a CT scan, and two bags of fluids, I went home with no real diagnosis. 

I was still in pain but the nausea was gone and that was the biggest part for me. Since living with a headache for 15 years, I've developed a pretty high pain tolerance. Also, my husband is amazing when it comes to trying to help me stay calm through really intense pain. 

I ended up in bed basically all weekend. I couldn't celebrate Easter. 

My family knows I love Easter. 

My dad text me right away, first thing in the morning.

My sister text me later on.

My friend shortly after that.

Why do I love Easter and how in the world does this all connect?

We were talking about my mom. We were talking about that moment that really frightened me. The words she said. The look in her eyes. But the peace that I saw in my dad. The peace I know he was finding in God alone. There is only one reason we can have that peace... well, it's a bundle package... Kinda like internet with phone and cable. Only we aren't the ones that have to pay the price.

We know Jesus was born. We celebrate Christmas. We get that. Some.. and I want to venture to say most.. don't really understand the significance of that. God came down in human form. That's so huge! If you can't fully wrap your brain about how big that is, can you please ask me?.. I just don't want to use this at this time right now. I'm fairly certain I've written about it at Christmas time. It's important though!!! Don't get me wrong!!!

We know Jesus died. Tons and tons of people know this. Do they fully understand why and how and who Jesus is? No. I've talked to several people that don't get it. Jesus.. fully God, fully man... came into the world (Christmas) with one purpose... to die for our sins. But that's not the end. He couldn't just die and The End it's over. First off, it's not enough that He died. You need to accept Him as your personal Savior and turn your life over to Him. You need to accept the gift He has given. He paid the price of this bundle package. Take it!! It's not just something that's been done therefore assumed that you have it and now you're going to heaven. You actually have to receive it.
Again, very important! Please talk to me if you don't understand!!

Now.... Easter!! What in the world happened that makes Easter so great?

Jesus rose from the dead!!!! 

Every funeral I've been to.. no one has ever risen. And three days later.. They have never risen! (Gross!)

 Jesus conquered death! 

Jesus resurrected!!!!! 

Whoo hoo!!!!

Why is this significant? Why does this make me excited?!?
Well guess what! If this didn't happen, Jesus would be like every other god out there. Some idol that people pray to that really has no power. But Jesus (who again is fully God) has power over Death!! And by this we also can have power over death! Not death as in we may never die on this Earth. But death as in we can have Eternal Life with Him in Heaven Forever!!!! That's where we get that Peace! The Peace that no matter what happens on this Earth, we can have Peace in knowing Him and being with Him!

We are born bound for Hell.
Every. Single. One of us.
I don't care who you are.
We are all born heading there. Until...
We accept this gift. Until we understand this bundle package.

You may have been told that you were born going to heaven until you did something horrible and then going to hell. Well that is reversed.

I don't want you to just believe me because I say so. That's not good enough.
I want you to learn because the Bible says so.
I could spout out verses... I could tell you references.
But if you're confused, that may not help.

Something has really been laid on my heart. And I'm not going to lie, I actually have some of you specifically in mind. But beyond that, I'm going to pray for all of you reading this.
I want to have a Bible study with you. It's a simple one.
I can meet with you individually. It can be a group of us women. Nate and I can do the study with couples. It can be just Nate and I with one other couple.
Whatever makes you comfortable.
I'm willing.

If we're friends on Facebook, message me. If you have my number, text me.
If you're reading this and we don't really know each other, email me. delightinlord13@gmail.com

No, my mom is not near death if I left some of you wondering that. Please don't think that. In my eyes she has been so strong for so long. In my eyes she seemed like Wonder Woman where nothing was effecting her. It was a shock to my system. I saw the effects of the world. The stressful, painful effects of this world.

The truth is none of us are immortal. None of us know when our time is over.
Even if you don't want to do a Bible study. Please don't hesitate to ask me questions. Please don't hesitate to ask yourself questions or read the Bible.

I love Easter because it made all the difference in the world.

It makes Jesus the complete package deal for salvation. 

Accept the gift. 

My Uncle Denny

On Tuesday, February 27th, my parents, Nate and I were driving up to see my younger step-son's school program. My mom was telling me about how her brother called to see if she could find out about fixing his cuckoo clock and to find some pennies he collects.

On Thursday, March 1st, Denny went to bed and didn't wake to a conscious state again.

Monday, March 5th, 2018... My Uncle Denny Stowell passed away at the age of 62.

Stowell Christmas 2001
Grandma (Lola), Mom (Cheryl), Uncle Denny, Aunt Bonnie, Grandpa (Ken)

My heart breaks.

There's so many happy, fun memories of Denny. 

When I was very young, they used to live here so we would see each other often. He was the one always making people laugh. His high school class reunion is coming up this year and it sounds like he may have been a class clown.

Denny was always in plays and productions. He was part of the Cumberland Rose Players which are still active here in town. But he was a part of other play companies as well. As far as I know, he always played the funny character. At least that is what I remember. We nieces remember going to see him in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Our grandparents took us. Then we went to Denny's house afterwards. Doing these types of things together are some of the best memories!!

Some of the programs from his plays

My mom had two siblings. A sister and a brother. 

My mom, Bonnie, Denny

Bonnie and Denny

Bonnie has three daughters. Denny has two sons and a daughter. We'd get together every summer and every Christmas for sure. I think it was more often when I was younger because we all lived closer together.

I remember when Denny gave us a toy bull. Most of you probably know of a toy horse that had four springs you could sit on. Well, this was a bull with one spring in the middle. We set it up in our toy room and had a blast!

I can close my eyes and see so many things. It's nice to have old family movies in my mind or pictures that we can see. We used to sing carols around the piano at Christmas time. Denny could sing!! He loved to sing the silly songs like Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. My sisters remember a time when we had just sang Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and Denny sang a song called Deadeye the deadeye Cowboy. 

Deadeye, the deadeye Cowboy had a very shiny gun

And if you ever saw him you would turn around and run

All of the other cowboys used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Deadeye play any cowboy games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Sheriff Came to say,

"Deadeye with your gun so bright won't you shoot my wife tonight?"

Then all the Cowboys loved him. As they shouted out with glee

"Deadeye the deadeye Cowboy, you'll go down in history!"

That was Uncle Denny!

It's hard to put into words all the different comedic things he did when we were all gathered together.


It's hard to put into words all the thoughts and feelings I'm having right now.


In 2011 there was an accident at his work that left him a paraplegic. Everything changed.
He couldn't make it down like he did before.

I made a point to drive Grandma up to see him once a month or every other month. He and I would banter back and forth in a joking way. Grandma would get on his case for drinking and smoking. We'd catch up with his girlfriend who'd take care of him.

As we'd get ready to leave, I'd give him a hug and he'd say 

"thanks for bringing my mama up." 

As Grandma's dementia got worse, I just couldn't do it anymore. 

He made it to a few Christmases but he seemed different. Not just physically. Something had changed. I'm not sure if anyone could have pinpointed it and maybe it was different every time. He would still joke around and we would joke back but maybe it was a different kind of joke. I don't know. 

The day of his funeral was very hard. I had been to the visitation. For us, being so far from home, there really wasn't but a handful of people that came to talk to us.

The funeral was the day Grandma saw him. Seeing her cry broke my heart.
I stayed strong while she was by my side but then I broke down in my sister's arms.

After the funeral, one of my mom's cousins was crying so hard it got my mom started. It was a domino affect from there. We were saying our final goodbye before they closed the casket. I looked at my older two sisters and were surprised to see them crying so much so we all put our arms around each other. Then our younger sister looked and saw us which caused her to start. The four of us hugged and cried as two of my nieces were in the middle tearing up not sure what to do.
As we broke up, I walked to the casket again. Then I turned around and saw my mom really crying. In my mind this was good because I feel like she always has to be strong for everybody. I hugged her and I cried harder again.
When I turned back around I saw my youngest niece next to the casket.

Let me interject with this story.. My younger sister has two daughters. One day out of the blue the older one asked if Uncle Denny was still alive. That was quite a while ago and they have been praying for him ever since. It was very important to them that they be up here. In fact, they wanted to be here before he passed away but it didn't work out that way. The younger one shares a birthday with Denny. She kept saying "I wish Uncle Denny was alive" or something along those lines.
Several times during the visitation she would just go up to the casket and look.

Back to the funeral.. I saw my youngest niece next to the casket. I went and asked if she wanted up. I held her and let her look. She asked why I was crying. I said "Because I wish Uncle Denny was still alive, too, and right now we are saying our final goodbye. This is our last look." She put her head on my shoulder.
"Are you ready to go?" I whispered.
She nodded.
I set her down and she ran to my dad and hugged his knees. He picked her up and she wrapped her arms around his neck and put her head on his shoulder. He had tears as well.

Funerals are so hard. There's so many emotions happening. So many memories come rushing back like a flood of rushing waters. It's fun to talk about those memories with others but hard realizing that person who played a huge part is now gone.

I know I normally have a "moral to the story" but I'm not sure I do. I just wanted to talk about my uncle. My funny uncle Denny.

Feeding a Raccoon

My Grandparents' 50th
My mom, Denny, Bonnie

The first Great Grandkids

(Denny's Great-Nephews)

Denny with his three kids
Deidra, Dustin and Devin

MY UNCLE DENNY

You will be missed.