After I shared about my struggles with a headache in my last post, I've felt that I should share more. This is something that is deep in my heart and I have a real passion about.
I've hesitated with this because I don't want to give away what is written in my book. I'm still very hopeful that I'll get a chance to finish it and get it out there. I feel God wants me to still do the book but I should go ahead and do this post.
We all grow up thinking life is going to turn out a certain way. It really never crosses our minds that it could possibly go different. I've experienced this first hand which places it heavy on my heart.
I always wanted to be a mom and so therefore a wife. I just assumed that I'd get married after High School and then start having kids. I didn't want to go to college because I just wanted to be a mom. My dad convinced me to go to college but it wasn't because he said I may never get married. Instead he said that I should have a degree in case something ever happened to my husband. Or at least that's what I remember his reasoning being.
Little girls watch movies filled with fairy tales. I love them, don't get me wrong, but they fill us with false hopes and dreams.
We grow up not even thinking that it's possible to be 30 and single (which I was). Those of us that want kids, it doesn't cross our minds that we may not be able to (which I may not).
If you're young and reading this, I'm here to pop that bubble. Not because I'm mean but because I want to try to prepare you a little. Life isn't a fairy tale.
I went to a college where they basically tell you that you'll find your mate there. There are jokes about how fast people get engaged and married. It's assumed that it's the perfect place to find a spouse.
I know people that have found each other there and have wonderful marriages. I also know people who started dating, assumed that they should marry and now either struggle in it or are divorced.
And there are others that dated more than they studied because all they wanted was to be married. Then they ended up hurt by bad break-ups and poor decisions. That was me.
I quit school. Not necessarily because of the guy issues but it played a part. Two years later, I returned and very much had no desire to date anyone. I had offers but by that time I had a huge chip on my shoulder. I was dealing with my headache and just didn't care. I was there for school that time, not for marriage.
The world's society tells us that it's okay to be single well into our 30's. We should focus on our own careers. The Christian society is a little different though. Single at 30 seems like a death sentence.
I don't think the world is right but I also don't think marriage should be the focus in the Christian society either.
The focus needs to be on God. My email is delightinlord@hotmail.com. The reason it's Delight In Lord is from Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
This has become my motto for life. I found myself 26 years old. I had had a headache for 3 years, was told I possibly couldn't have kids and had just been through a really bad break-up. Everything was against me.. or so I thought.
I opened my Bible and read this verse. I was so frustrated thinking none of my desires had come true. Well guess what! I wasn't doing the first part! Delighting in the Lord. That's the main part!!
We tend to just focus on ourselves and think of the desires we have. Most of us don't stop to think about what God has in store or what His plan is. As sad as it is, a lot of us don't live life to delight Him but to delight ourselves.
I looked up the work 'delight.' It means to take great pleasure in. In other words, we should have joy in the Lord. We should love being with Him. This also means that we need to be with Him and learn more and more about Him. If I'm focusing on that instead of my desires, my desires become the same as His. I will be so close to God that what I want is exactly what His will is. It could still mean that a part of me still wants to have kids, but I'm content if He decides I can't. Delighting in Him means that in trials and struggles I look to Him and know that He is in control.
We don't delight in Him because we want our desires. That wouldn't be true delight in Him. We delight because we love Him. We have true JOY in Him.
Joy is different than happiness. We can grieve but still have joy knowing our Father is in control. We can be frustrated but still have joy in what He does for us. Basically Joy is an emotion that is deeper than the surface.
I kinda laugh at myself when I think back. Now I'm 32. I've had a headache for 9 years. I'm 5 months away from my marriage. I still don't know if I can have children. I'm going to be a step-mom which is really hard and not what I expected when I dreamed of marriage. I'm planning a wedding where a lot of what I always wanted isn't going to take place. My dreams are coming true but still not in the way I imagined when I was 18.
Things change but God doesn't.
He says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor your ways, my ways" (Is 55:8)
But He also says "I know the plans I have for you... "(Jer 29:11)
God is in control. He knows our dreams and desires. But He'll always acts out of what's best for us, not what we think is best.
I wish someone would have told me all this when I went to college (or maybe even before). I wish that marriage wasn't shoved in my face so much that I dated guys who really were not good for me. I wish someone would have warned me that even if I get my dreams that they may not be what I thought.
I wish a lot of things really. But God had different plans. In those plans I think He placed in me a desire to not only learn from my past but to encourage others to Delight in Him and not live in a bubble of thinking we all end up how we picture it.
Don't live your life expecting to be married by a certain age. Or by thinking marriage will be easy or you'll have kids without a problem. Don't even let yourself get caught up in a career without Him in it.
Live your life delighting in Him. The rest will fall into place.
ps.. If you're just joining me, please read my first blog.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Headaches
I'm not quite sure how to start this one. If you read my About Me section, you can see that I've had a headache for nearly 9 years. I feel led to do a couple things. I want to share with you a little about that struggle and also tell you how it's affecting me right now.
In September of 2002, I got my first migraine. It was one of the worst pains in the world. That following February (2003) something worse happened. I got a headache that never left. Well, I can't say never but that's jumping ahead a bit.
I don't know how many of you have had a headache or a migraine but they aren't fun. Two months after my headache started my younger sister got married. I wasn't living at home at this time so the wedding was the first time most of my family and friends saw me since the pain started.
I was walking real slow. I had lost some weight. And I just acted like I was dying. I remember praying that I wouldn't have a headache during the wedding. God blessed me with a wonderful day of not feeling too bad but the following day was that much worse. I cried I was in so much pain (which only makes the pain worse). I know that some people were scared by just seeing me walk.
It felt like I had a disease with no name. A death sentence that no one could figure out. But let me back up just slightly.
Of course when this headache started I never expected it would still be around 9 years later. It took a few weeks before I decided I needed to see doctors. Once I started I kept going to doctors for the next two years. I had a CT scan, a MRI, a EEG, blood work, x-rays, everything you can imagine. Since we weren't finding answers it led to more and more areas needing testing (like my ovaries, digestive system, jaw and eyesight). Still no answers.
I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They found nothing and did nothing. I went to the best hospital in my state. They found nothing. They tried SEVERAL different pain killers. Some made me sleep, some made me sick, some made me feel drunk.
The thing was that I wanted two things. 1. I wanted to know what the cause of my headache was and not just numb it with medicine. 2. I wanted to be able to function and although these pain killers dulled the pain, I couldn't function with the side effects.
At that hospital I tried a pain killer that they shot directly into my blood stream via IV. I was in the hospital for 4 days and they gave it to me every few hours. This medicine made me so sick that I was throwing up blood. They gave me two anti-nausea medicines before the pain killer but it didn't help. My mom was with me and I remember crying to her saying "It's not worth it. I can live with a headache. Get me out of here!" I'm sure it was just as hard on her.
At the end of the four days, I was headache free. Yay! But I had lost so much weight and energy that I still didn't feel well. I was in college at this time and went back to school real weak and slow. People would say "you have life in your eyes!" which was great but I felt drained. In less than 3 months, my headache was back and it truly hasn't left since.
I had good days and bad days. I learned to take full advantage of the good days because I never knew when a bad day would hit and how long it'd stick around. College work and classes were hard to stay on top of but I did it and graduated in May of 2005.
In December of that year I was in a car accident. I wasn't seriously injured but it led me to be able to go to the chiropractor regularly. My car insurance was paying for it so I wasn't having to come up with the money. It didn't help with the headaches much though.
In March, I moved back home.
Shortly after that, I went through I really bad spell. Not only did I have the constant headache but I had a constant migraine for two weeks. I lost LOTS of weight this time. I stayed in my parents' basement. If I was around light at all, I wore sunglasses.
I didn't leave the house much but I remember one particular fundraising event I went to. It was a basketball game. I walked into the gym like an old lady and with sunglasses on. My sister and mom walked with me to help me keep my balance. Several people would ask what was wrong with me or if they knew, they commented on how bad I had gotten.
There were several times I just laid in bed wishing that I'd sleep and never wake up. But then I found out that that was my mom's fear this whole time. She would come check on me to make sure I was still living. I haven't wished that since because I love my mom more than I hate the pain.
At this time I started to try some of the non-medical world. I had acupuncture, did a hair analysis, and even went to a counselor to see if it was a psychological issue. I had hopes for some of the natural health options but since insurance doesn't help with such things, the stress of money took over. The last thing I tried in this realm (other than chiropractor which I still do weekly) was going to a sleep clinic. It proved to not be helpful either.
I also got braces to move my jaw to see if it would help. It did help with my jaw pain but nothing with my headache.
Over the last 5 years I've just learned how to manage it. I know that I need a lot of sleep. I know that stress makes it worse. I know loud noises or those continuous noises make it worse. I know that if I'm having a bad headache, fluorescent lights.. like in stores and things.. are not good.
I've basically just learned to deal with it.
It's not fun to live in a world that doesn't think about headaches. I don't go to movies in the theater because it's too loud. There's certain restaurants I avoid because of the noise or lighting. I don't go into stores that have a lot of smells because that also sets it off. I go to fireworks but I wear earplugs and close my eyes often.
The biggest thing is that I never thought about how much I'd have to consider it during my wedding planning. I can't have candles because of scents and the flickering of lights. My dress couldn't have a train or be heavy or have a halter top. I can't have a veil or have my hair up.
It'd be easy to focus on the "can'ts". Believe me, somedays I do and my fiance helps me change my attitude. There's been many days I haven't wanted to get out of bed. But when it comes down to it, I still have to see God's still here.
January 1st, 2012 I got one of the worst headaches I've had in a couple years. And to be honest, the rest of this month hasn't really been much better. I feel like I've gone back a couple years. Every noise or movement bothers me. To add to it, this time around, my motion sickness is even MORE sensitive than it was before. If someone is doing a lot of moving in front of me (even if I'm sitting still) I start to feel nauseous.
Last Thursday, however, it's even something more. I keep getting these feelings of passing out. I haven't passed out but I get weak, dizzy and things go black. It doesn't last long but it's very unnerving. So after my family and fiance convinced me, I went to the doctor again. I'm getting another MRI on Saturday. I don't know if this time around I'll get answers or not.
I feel like I'm starting all over again.
I'm frustrated and discouraged. Two months ago I was telling people that I was doing great. That I was feeling the best I have in years. And now.. only two months later... I'm feeling worse than I possibly did 9 years ago. I don't think the pain is as severe but my overall health feels lower.
The real kicker is that since this is happening before I get married, I'm still on my own insurance and therefore I have to pay everything in full, out of pocket, until I reach my deductible. All my money that I've been saving for the wedding is now going to go to medical bills. BUT at least I have money saved!
That's an example of seeing God is still here. He knew in advance what was to come. He knows exactly what's going to come of this too. I can trust Him.
Another example is that a week ago, I found out that the baby I was taking care of had to move away unexpectedly. I was sad that it happened so quick. But now I see that with this passing out feeling, I wouldn't be able to care for him this week anyway.
This trial has been long and hard. And I have no idea where it's going to lead. I know that God is with me and is always in control. He's blessed me with a wonderful family. This past weekend I could hardly walk and they all were considerate of me. For Sunday dinner alone, I had three different people offer to help me get my food. I'm amazed at the family God has given me. And He timed this new trial with the week that my out-of-town sisters are here to visit. It's easier to schedule doctor visits when I have others here to help with my daycare kids and things. My younger sister has helped with the dishes, kids and other things. I'm so thankful!
I also know there's others out there with genuine concern for me and wish they could help more. I'm blessed in the midst of this trial. I know I am.
Just like I didn't know how to start writing this, I also don't know how to end it. I just felt led to share a glimpse of my story.
Maybe you are someone who's really struggling and needing to hear about someone else's pain. Maybe you are someone who needed someone new to pray for. Or maybe you know me and just needed an update.
I'm not sure.
All I know is this... This is my trial and God has been using it for 9 years.
In September of 2002, I got my first migraine. It was one of the worst pains in the world. That following February (2003) something worse happened. I got a headache that never left. Well, I can't say never but that's jumping ahead a bit.
I don't know how many of you have had a headache or a migraine but they aren't fun. Two months after my headache started my younger sister got married. I wasn't living at home at this time so the wedding was the first time most of my family and friends saw me since the pain started.
I was walking real slow. I had lost some weight. And I just acted like I was dying. I remember praying that I wouldn't have a headache during the wedding. God blessed me with a wonderful day of not feeling too bad but the following day was that much worse. I cried I was in so much pain (which only makes the pain worse). I know that some people were scared by just seeing me walk.
It felt like I had a disease with no name. A death sentence that no one could figure out. But let me back up just slightly.
Of course when this headache started I never expected it would still be around 9 years later. It took a few weeks before I decided I needed to see doctors. Once I started I kept going to doctors for the next two years. I had a CT scan, a MRI, a EEG, blood work, x-rays, everything you can imagine. Since we weren't finding answers it led to more and more areas needing testing (like my ovaries, digestive system, jaw and eyesight). Still no answers.
I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They found nothing and did nothing. I went to the best hospital in my state. They found nothing. They tried SEVERAL different pain killers. Some made me sleep, some made me sick, some made me feel drunk.
The thing was that I wanted two things. 1. I wanted to know what the cause of my headache was and not just numb it with medicine. 2. I wanted to be able to function and although these pain killers dulled the pain, I couldn't function with the side effects.
At that hospital I tried a pain killer that they shot directly into my blood stream via IV. I was in the hospital for 4 days and they gave it to me every few hours. This medicine made me so sick that I was throwing up blood. They gave me two anti-nausea medicines before the pain killer but it didn't help. My mom was with me and I remember crying to her saying "It's not worth it. I can live with a headache. Get me out of here!" I'm sure it was just as hard on her.
At the end of the four days, I was headache free. Yay! But I had lost so much weight and energy that I still didn't feel well. I was in college at this time and went back to school real weak and slow. People would say "you have life in your eyes!" which was great but I felt drained. In less than 3 months, my headache was back and it truly hasn't left since.
I had good days and bad days. I learned to take full advantage of the good days because I never knew when a bad day would hit and how long it'd stick around. College work and classes were hard to stay on top of but I did it and graduated in May of 2005.
In December of that year I was in a car accident. I wasn't seriously injured but it led me to be able to go to the chiropractor regularly. My car insurance was paying for it so I wasn't having to come up with the money. It didn't help with the headaches much though.
In March, I moved back home.
Shortly after that, I went through I really bad spell. Not only did I have the constant headache but I had a constant migraine for two weeks. I lost LOTS of weight this time. I stayed in my parents' basement. If I was around light at all, I wore sunglasses.
I didn't leave the house much but I remember one particular fundraising event I went to. It was a basketball game. I walked into the gym like an old lady and with sunglasses on. My sister and mom walked with me to help me keep my balance. Several people would ask what was wrong with me or if they knew, they commented on how bad I had gotten.
There were several times I just laid in bed wishing that I'd sleep and never wake up. But then I found out that that was my mom's fear this whole time. She would come check on me to make sure I was still living. I haven't wished that since because I love my mom more than I hate the pain.
At this time I started to try some of the non-medical world. I had acupuncture, did a hair analysis, and even went to a counselor to see if it was a psychological issue. I had hopes for some of the natural health options but since insurance doesn't help with such things, the stress of money took over. The last thing I tried in this realm (other than chiropractor which I still do weekly) was going to a sleep clinic. It proved to not be helpful either.
I also got braces to move my jaw to see if it would help. It did help with my jaw pain but nothing with my headache.
Over the last 5 years I've just learned how to manage it. I know that I need a lot of sleep. I know that stress makes it worse. I know loud noises or those continuous noises make it worse. I know that if I'm having a bad headache, fluorescent lights.. like in stores and things.. are not good.
I've basically just learned to deal with it.
It's not fun to live in a world that doesn't think about headaches. I don't go to movies in the theater because it's too loud. There's certain restaurants I avoid because of the noise or lighting. I don't go into stores that have a lot of smells because that also sets it off. I go to fireworks but I wear earplugs and close my eyes often.
The biggest thing is that I never thought about how much I'd have to consider it during my wedding planning. I can't have candles because of scents and the flickering of lights. My dress couldn't have a train or be heavy or have a halter top. I can't have a veil or have my hair up.
It'd be easy to focus on the "can'ts". Believe me, somedays I do and my fiance helps me change my attitude. There's been many days I haven't wanted to get out of bed. But when it comes down to it, I still have to see God's still here.
January 1st, 2012 I got one of the worst headaches I've had in a couple years. And to be honest, the rest of this month hasn't really been much better. I feel like I've gone back a couple years. Every noise or movement bothers me. To add to it, this time around, my motion sickness is even MORE sensitive than it was before. If someone is doing a lot of moving in front of me (even if I'm sitting still) I start to feel nauseous.
Last Thursday, however, it's even something more. I keep getting these feelings of passing out. I haven't passed out but I get weak, dizzy and things go black. It doesn't last long but it's very unnerving. So after my family and fiance convinced me, I went to the doctor again. I'm getting another MRI on Saturday. I don't know if this time around I'll get answers or not.
I feel like I'm starting all over again.
I'm frustrated and discouraged. Two months ago I was telling people that I was doing great. That I was feeling the best I have in years. And now.. only two months later... I'm feeling worse than I possibly did 9 years ago. I don't think the pain is as severe but my overall health feels lower.
The real kicker is that since this is happening before I get married, I'm still on my own insurance and therefore I have to pay everything in full, out of pocket, until I reach my deductible. All my money that I've been saving for the wedding is now going to go to medical bills. BUT at least I have money saved!
That's an example of seeing God is still here. He knew in advance what was to come. He knows exactly what's going to come of this too. I can trust Him.
Another example is that a week ago, I found out that the baby I was taking care of had to move away unexpectedly. I was sad that it happened so quick. But now I see that with this passing out feeling, I wouldn't be able to care for him this week anyway.
This trial has been long and hard. And I have no idea where it's going to lead. I know that God is with me and is always in control. He's blessed me with a wonderful family. This past weekend I could hardly walk and they all were considerate of me. For Sunday dinner alone, I had three different people offer to help me get my food. I'm amazed at the family God has given me. And He timed this new trial with the week that my out-of-town sisters are here to visit. It's easier to schedule doctor visits when I have others here to help with my daycare kids and things. My younger sister has helped with the dishes, kids and other things. I'm so thankful!
I also know there's others out there with genuine concern for me and wish they could help more. I'm blessed in the midst of this trial. I know I am.
Just like I didn't know how to start writing this, I also don't know how to end it. I just felt led to share a glimpse of my story.
Maybe you are someone who's really struggling and needing to hear about someone else's pain. Maybe you are someone who needed someone new to pray for. Or maybe you know me and just needed an update.
I'm not sure.
All I know is this... This is my trial and God has been using it for 9 years.
| "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:1,2 |
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
START at the manger THEN go to the cross
What are your feelings on Christmas?
I'll be honest. I dislike most things that go with this holiday. I'm a mixture between Scrooge and the Grinch. I'm not greedy and selfish like Scrooge but I have his attitude of Bah Humbug. I won't try to steal away your Christmas like the Grinch but I agree with his statement about the "Noise! Noise! Noise!"
I just plain don't have the Christmas spirit in me. It's something I have to work on to bring out. Everything stresses me out and stress makes me not feel well. This Christmas there was other stresses going on that weren't about Christmas but just bad timing. But I still am not fond of Christmas.
Don't get my wrong.. there are moments I love. Like laughing with my sisters and family, seeing my nieces and nephews grow up, and seeing people open the gifts I bought. The thing I hate the most is wrapping the gifts. The thing I love the most is seeing their face when they open it and they truly love it.
There were a couple times this past weekend that I'd slip away to a back bedroom and just lie down. It didn't get me completely away from it all but I was able to relax and shut my brain off a little.
I can't tell you how many times my fiance has said "It's Christmas! Get in the Christmas Spirit!" And I don't remember which time it was when it finally hit me.. what is Christmas spirit?
I started to focus more on the real reason for the season. Yes, I know, it's not about gifts and Santa. It's about the birth of Christ. I've known that as long as I've been alive BUT I don't know if I've honestly ever thought about it.
My favorite holiday is Easter. I absolutely love it. The way most people feel about Christmas is probably the way I feel about Easter. Why do I love Easter? Because that is when my Savior conquered death and made it so I could have life. Eternal life. Oh my goodness! Just the thought of it makes me want to jump up and yell "whoo hoo!" Without Easter (Christ's resurrection), His life and death mean nothing.
As I was analyzing Christmas I swear God said, "Guess what, Amanda, Christ could not conquer death if He didn't die. And Christ could not die if he was not born."
"Duh!" I said to myself.
Seems simple doesn't it? I always knew it but it's taken 32 years to put it in my heart and to REALLY know it.
We sang a song in our church Christmas program. Think about these words. "Such a wonderful Savior to be born in a manger so that I can share His favor and my heart be made anew." Did you get that? Christ wasn't just born and that's the end of the story. He was born a very low birth. He is God who humbled himself to become one of us. He wasn't born in a home or hospital. He was born in a stable and laid in a manger! Is there any other time in history that that has happened? I'm sure there's women who have given birth in crazy places like cars but it wasn't like this. It also says He was born so I can share in His favor and my heart be made new!
Why was Christ born? So that He could die. Were we born to die? No! We were born to live. He was born for a very specific purpose. And He knew it too. I can't grasp that!
There is a lot more we could say about his birth and the miracles that surrounded it. But I just want to stay on that fact. Christ was born that lowly birth for us. For you. For me.
Here's another song we sang: "Start at the manger, at the Child in the hay, the gift of our Father in heaven, the price He would pay to save all His children, no matter the cost." No matter the cost! That baby lying in the manger in the hay was a gift to us. It should be our most precious gift because He would pay the price for us. Who? His CHILDREN! Isn't that amazing?!?
"Start at the manger where redemption began, when Jesus stepped down from His throne to die as a man." This just reiterates what I've been saying. He was born, stepping down from His heavenly throne, to DIE. He was born to grow up, only 33 years, to die.
I know some of us feel like that's what our life is about too. That we are born, we live, we die. But there is so much more behind all of this. Since Christ died for us, we can live forever. Not on this earth (Thankfully!!) but with Him in Heaven. God sent His son to be born in a manger so that He can die for our sins so that if we accept that simple (yet so complex and amazing!) gift, we can live with Him forever rather than the alternative.
Let me say that again.
God sent His SON to be born in a manger (not luxury) so that He can die for OUR sins (He had no sin of His own) so that if we ACCEPT the GIFT we can LIVE WITH HIM forever! He (God) came to earth so we (sinful people) could go to heaven!!
Are you completely amazed by this?!?
We had a special privilege on Sunday. It was Christmas and yet Sunday. What an honor to be together as a church family, not only celebrating his birth, but also His death on the cross. Or should I say it in reverse? Not only to worship Him for what He did on the cross, but also to remember His birth.
I'm finally getting it.
Yes, I'm glad all the Christmas stress is over and I'm ready to take down my trees and things. But I still am in awe over what Christ did for us. I'm amazed by His birth for us.
Yes, I would rather celebrate His birth is a simple way like we do for Easter. But it challenges me all the more to remember His birth all year and especially in the mist of Christmas chaos.
I'm still like Scrooge but I want to be like him when he says "I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year."
"All of our riches, we will count them as loss if we start at the manger, then go to the cross."
quotes from:
The Night That Christ Was Born by Kirk Franklin
Start at the Manger by Robert Sterling and Deborah Craig-Claar
I'll be honest. I dislike most things that go with this holiday. I'm a mixture between Scrooge and the Grinch. I'm not greedy and selfish like Scrooge but I have his attitude of Bah Humbug. I won't try to steal away your Christmas like the Grinch but I agree with his statement about the "Noise! Noise! Noise!"
I just plain don't have the Christmas spirit in me. It's something I have to work on to bring out. Everything stresses me out and stress makes me not feel well. This Christmas there was other stresses going on that weren't about Christmas but just bad timing. But I still am not fond of Christmas.
Don't get my wrong.. there are moments I love. Like laughing with my sisters and family, seeing my nieces and nephews grow up, and seeing people open the gifts I bought. The thing I hate the most is wrapping the gifts. The thing I love the most is seeing their face when they open it and they truly love it.
There were a couple times this past weekend that I'd slip away to a back bedroom and just lie down. It didn't get me completely away from it all but I was able to relax and shut my brain off a little.
I can't tell you how many times my fiance has said "It's Christmas! Get in the Christmas Spirit!" And I don't remember which time it was when it finally hit me.. what is Christmas spirit?
I started to focus more on the real reason for the season. Yes, I know, it's not about gifts and Santa. It's about the birth of Christ. I've known that as long as I've been alive BUT I don't know if I've honestly ever thought about it.
My favorite holiday is Easter. I absolutely love it. The way most people feel about Christmas is probably the way I feel about Easter. Why do I love Easter? Because that is when my Savior conquered death and made it so I could have life. Eternal life. Oh my goodness! Just the thought of it makes me want to jump up and yell "whoo hoo!" Without Easter (Christ's resurrection), His life and death mean nothing.
As I was analyzing Christmas I swear God said, "Guess what, Amanda, Christ could not conquer death if He didn't die. And Christ could not die if he was not born."
"Duh!" I said to myself.
Seems simple doesn't it? I always knew it but it's taken 32 years to put it in my heart and to REALLY know it.
We sang a song in our church Christmas program. Think about these words. "Such a wonderful Savior to be born in a manger so that I can share His favor and my heart be made anew." Did you get that? Christ wasn't just born and that's the end of the story. He was born a very low birth. He is God who humbled himself to become one of us. He wasn't born in a home or hospital. He was born in a stable and laid in a manger! Is there any other time in history that that has happened? I'm sure there's women who have given birth in crazy places like cars but it wasn't like this. It also says He was born so I can share in His favor and my heart be made new!
Why was Christ born? So that He could die. Were we born to die? No! We were born to live. He was born for a very specific purpose. And He knew it too. I can't grasp that!
There is a lot more we could say about his birth and the miracles that surrounded it. But I just want to stay on that fact. Christ was born that lowly birth for us. For you. For me.
Here's another song we sang: "Start at the manger, at the Child in the hay, the gift of our Father in heaven, the price He would pay to save all His children, no matter the cost." No matter the cost! That baby lying in the manger in the hay was a gift to us. It should be our most precious gift because He would pay the price for us. Who? His CHILDREN! Isn't that amazing?!?
"Start at the manger where redemption began, when Jesus stepped down from His throne to die as a man." This just reiterates what I've been saying. He was born, stepping down from His heavenly throne, to DIE. He was born to grow up, only 33 years, to die.
I know some of us feel like that's what our life is about too. That we are born, we live, we die. But there is so much more behind all of this. Since Christ died for us, we can live forever. Not on this earth (Thankfully!!) but with Him in Heaven. God sent His son to be born in a manger so that He can die for our sins so that if we accept that simple (yet so complex and amazing!) gift, we can live with Him forever rather than the alternative.
Let me say that again.
God sent His SON to be born in a manger (not luxury) so that He can die for OUR sins (He had no sin of His own) so that if we ACCEPT the GIFT we can LIVE WITH HIM forever! He (God) came to earth so we (sinful people) could go to heaven!!
Are you completely amazed by this?!?
We had a special privilege on Sunday. It was Christmas and yet Sunday. What an honor to be together as a church family, not only celebrating his birth, but also His death on the cross. Or should I say it in reverse? Not only to worship Him for what He did on the cross, but also to remember His birth.
I'm finally getting it.
Yes, I'm glad all the Christmas stress is over and I'm ready to take down my trees and things. But I still am in awe over what Christ did for us. I'm amazed by His birth for us.
Yes, I would rather celebrate His birth is a simple way like we do for Easter. But it challenges me all the more to remember His birth all year and especially in the mist of Christmas chaos.
I'm still like Scrooge but I want to be like him when he says "I will honor Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year."
"All of our riches, we will count them as loss if we start at the manger, then go to the cross."
quotes from:
The Night That Christ Was Born by Kirk Franklin
Start at the Manger by Robert Sterling and Deborah Craig-Claar
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Struggles and Blessings
I can't believe it's been two months already. It's not as if God hasn't been working but life has just gotten a little crazy. It seems as if every week I would think "okay, a new week, it has to be less stressful and busy". But that has not been the case. Just this week I've been starting to feel like I can breathe again although I'm still busy and constantly have something that needs to be done. Today, though, this was a priority.
I'm not going to recap the entire last two months but I am going to let you enter my life of the last two weeks. Two weeks ago this past Sunday I sang the song Blessings by Laura Story. I had been working on it for a while and really felt led to do it that week. Little did I know that I'd need that song as a reminder every day for the next two weeks.
It was one thing after another. The first week it was a lot of personal things. My future step-son was getting into trouble a lot at school. It seemed like every day there was something new to deal with. On top of that there was church issues and more family stresses. Plus you have to add on that this was the week of Thanksgiving. Family comes, schedules are different and you're supposed to be happy go-lucky.
Two days before Thanksgiving my fiancé's grandparents were in a car accident. At first we heard that it was minor and they just had cuts and bruises. Over the next few days more and more things developed. There was a broken hip, rib, sternum, pelvic bone, etc. Thanksgiving day we were with my side of the family but our thoughts were elsewhere. His side had postponed Thanksgiving to a later date. We went to see his grandparents that evening to see how they were really doing. We didn't really get to talk to either of them because of tubes or they were out of it. It was sad to see. In 2002, I watched my Grandpa die in a hospital and ever since then I really struggle seeing others in bad conditions. But I was there for my fiance.
Black Friday was a highlight. My sisters, mom and I went shopping and came home to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday. Saturday was also good because we did my grandma's Christmas. Still, through it all, we kept getting updates on Grandma and Grandpa.
Sunday was the turning day. The day where you normally think that the week before is behind you it was just the opposite. It's when the injuries from the car accident were determined to be so bad that they were not going to make it. My fiancé's family had decided to do Thanksgiving that day not knowing what kind of day it was going to be. We were together and we ate but it was a very hard and sad day. Grandma and Grandpa were going to hospice. It was final.
On Monday, Grandma didn't even make it into the hospice room before she passed away. One day later Grandpa joined her. For them it is a blessing they went so close together but for us it's hard to say goodbye so quickly and to two loved ones. They were married for 72 years.
Also on that day one of my best friends sent me a text and said her brother also passed away. He had been dealing with cancer and his battle was done.
I can not describe to you how I felt with all this going on. I never got that refresh button from the week before so things just kept building on top of each other. I was not handling it all well.
It's hard when these things happen any time of the year but they seem especially hard during the holidays. You almost feel guilty that you aren't enjoying the season and feeling giddy. In fact, I put up my Christmas tree with my daycare kids. I had promised them we would after Thanksgiving and they remembered! They had no idea what was going on inside of me but it's my job to put the kids first. Even though I was just going through the motions, they had fun. I felt bad that I wasn't more into it but sometimes life just weighs us down.
This is when the song Blessings came back to mind. The last line in the chorus says "What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" So often in this life we expect blessings to come as good things and good things only. Having my sisters here and getting to shop and celebrate my mom were blessings. Having Christmas at my grandma's and having my uncle (who had just had a major work accident to where he can't walk) there was a blessing. But what about the other stuff? Are they blessings? Are they God's mercies? Sometimes we don't know until we can look back. Other times we never know.
Several people said that they wished God had just taken his grandparents at the accident. Yes, in ways that would have been easier. They wouldn't have suffered at all. The family wouldn't have gone through two weeks of an emotional roller coaster. But I wonder... would we have wanted that last time to say goodbye? Did we need this time to prepare to lose them? I don't know and I'm sure for each person it may be a different feeling.
We'll never understand God and that's a good thing. But thinking of trials as possible blessings helps. It at least helps to understand that we are not in control and to remember that God always has our best in mind.
"Blessings" by Laura Story
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet, love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it take to know You're near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
What if trials of this life
the rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
I love those words. And here is a poem that was found in his grandma's billfold that I find very fitting.
I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity and God gave me brains and the strength to work.
I asked for courage and God gave me danger to overcome.
I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for favors and God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.
My prayer has been answered.
Anonymous
Struggles can be blessings. We just need to look to Him.
I'm not going to recap the entire last two months but I am going to let you enter my life of the last two weeks. Two weeks ago this past Sunday I sang the song Blessings by Laura Story. I had been working on it for a while and really felt led to do it that week. Little did I know that I'd need that song as a reminder every day for the next two weeks.
It was one thing after another. The first week it was a lot of personal things. My future step-son was getting into trouble a lot at school. It seemed like every day there was something new to deal with. On top of that there was church issues and more family stresses. Plus you have to add on that this was the week of Thanksgiving. Family comes, schedules are different and you're supposed to be happy go-lucky.
Two days before Thanksgiving my fiancé's grandparents were in a car accident. At first we heard that it was minor and they just had cuts and bruises. Over the next few days more and more things developed. There was a broken hip, rib, sternum, pelvic bone, etc. Thanksgiving day we were with my side of the family but our thoughts were elsewhere. His side had postponed Thanksgiving to a later date. We went to see his grandparents that evening to see how they were really doing. We didn't really get to talk to either of them because of tubes or they were out of it. It was sad to see. In 2002, I watched my Grandpa die in a hospital and ever since then I really struggle seeing others in bad conditions. But I was there for my fiance.
Black Friday was a highlight. My sisters, mom and I went shopping and came home to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday. Saturday was also good because we did my grandma's Christmas. Still, through it all, we kept getting updates on Grandma and Grandpa.
Sunday was the turning day. The day where you normally think that the week before is behind you it was just the opposite. It's when the injuries from the car accident were determined to be so bad that they were not going to make it. My fiancé's family had decided to do Thanksgiving that day not knowing what kind of day it was going to be. We were together and we ate but it was a very hard and sad day. Grandma and Grandpa were going to hospice. It was final.
On Monday, Grandma didn't even make it into the hospice room before she passed away. One day later Grandpa joined her. For them it is a blessing they went so close together but for us it's hard to say goodbye so quickly and to two loved ones. They were married for 72 years.
Also on that day one of my best friends sent me a text and said her brother also passed away. He had been dealing with cancer and his battle was done.
I can not describe to you how I felt with all this going on. I never got that refresh button from the week before so things just kept building on top of each other. I was not handling it all well.
It's hard when these things happen any time of the year but they seem especially hard during the holidays. You almost feel guilty that you aren't enjoying the season and feeling giddy. In fact, I put up my Christmas tree with my daycare kids. I had promised them we would after Thanksgiving and they remembered! They had no idea what was going on inside of me but it's my job to put the kids first. Even though I was just going through the motions, they had fun. I felt bad that I wasn't more into it but sometimes life just weighs us down.
This is when the song Blessings came back to mind. The last line in the chorus says "What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" So often in this life we expect blessings to come as good things and good things only. Having my sisters here and getting to shop and celebrate my mom were blessings. Having Christmas at my grandma's and having my uncle (who had just had a major work accident to where he can't walk) there was a blessing. But what about the other stuff? Are they blessings? Are they God's mercies? Sometimes we don't know until we can look back. Other times we never know.
Several people said that they wished God had just taken his grandparents at the accident. Yes, in ways that would have been easier. They wouldn't have suffered at all. The family wouldn't have gone through two weeks of an emotional roller coaster. But I wonder... would we have wanted that last time to say goodbye? Did we need this time to prepare to lose them? I don't know and I'm sure for each person it may be a different feeling.
We'll never understand God and that's a good thing. But thinking of trials as possible blessings helps. It at least helps to understand that we are not in control and to remember that God always has our best in mind.
"Blessings" by Laura Story
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet, love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it take to know You're near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?
What if trials of this life
the rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
I love those words. And here is a poem that was found in his grandma's billfold that I find very fitting.
I asked for wisdom and God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for prosperity and God gave me brains and the strength to work.
I asked for courage and God gave me danger to overcome.
I asked for love and God gave me troubled people to help.
I asked for favors and God gave me opportunities.
I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.
My prayer has been answered.
Anonymous
Struggles can be blessings. We just need to look to Him.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
The Best Medicine
A few months ago I was in Walmart. I was actually in the bathroom in Walmart. Already in there were two young girls and their mom. They were all giggling and laughing about something. As they all finished and left the bathroom, they were still laughing. It reminded me of being a kid and how my sisters and I would get laughing about the silliest things. This was especially true when we were on one of our vacations.
I walked out of the bathroom smiling so I explained to my fiance what I had just observed. Seeing them enjoying themselves had put me in a good mood where normally at Walmart I'm just wanting to get our stuff and be done.
As we walked about Walmart, running our errands, I saw this little family several more times. I even commented that they must be on vacation because they act very stress-free. Every time they made me smile and I just wanted to join in their simple fun.
That's the point. It was simple.
Life seems simple for kids. Kids enjoy life. At times my three sisters and I would dress up and pose for a picture. But in one particular picture I am laughing. My head is tilt back and you can tell that something is really cracking me up. I can't help but smile at the picture and wish I was there again.
For this family though, it wasn't just the girls having a good time. It was also the mom. More often you see the scene of kids having fun and the parents yelling at them because they're 'messing around'.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that I, too, get caught up in life. I go through the motions of just trying to get things done and move on to the next thing I have to do. Why do we do that to ourselves?
About once a year my sisters, mom, grandma and I get together for a girls weekend. Oh man do we laugh!! That one weekend can be such a stress-reliever for me.
Why do we have to wait til we're on vacation or having a girls weekend though? Yes, those times are extra fun and that's great. But should we just go through the other days in life with a frown and hurrying onto the next stress? No!
That day at Walmart opened my eyes to all kinds of things I was missing but most important, Laughter. They say it's the best medicine and I truly feel it is.
Think about it.
When you're mad and someone makes you laugh.. are you still mad? If you're crying and something makes you laugh.. is your cry different? Think about other times where laughter is the last thing you're feeling. Would laughter help?
That leads me to ask... Do you laugh? I mean REALLY laugh?
There's a difference between kind of chuckling and having a truly deep down, belly laugh. There's also a difference between laughing at a funny text or email or even a funny movie and laughing with people. When you laugh at an email or a movie, the laughing doesn't last long. When you're with others and you're all laughing, it can go on for a while. Right?
I encourage you today to laugh. And laugh with those around you. Look at each moment and decide to laugh.
Sometimes my fiance thinks it's funny to drive the cart crazy in Walmart or the grocery store. He runs around and swerves in and out. I used to get so annoyed with this and say, "Really? We need to get done!" Well guess what. We didn't NEED to get done and he was enjoying life. So now I try not to be annoyed but laugh with him. I slow down and enjoy the moment.
That family from Walmart that day was on vacation. As it turned out they were parked right next to us and they had an out-of-state license plate. I still watched them as they laughed into their van. I wondered if they were like that when they weren't on vacation. But then I realized it didn't matter. I want to enjoy life, vacation or not.
So Laugh. And Laugh Hard!
I walked out of the bathroom smiling so I explained to my fiance what I had just observed. Seeing them enjoying themselves had put me in a good mood where normally at Walmart I'm just wanting to get our stuff and be done.
As we walked about Walmart, running our errands, I saw this little family several more times. I even commented that they must be on vacation because they act very stress-free. Every time they made me smile and I just wanted to join in their simple fun.
That's the point. It was simple.
Life seems simple for kids. Kids enjoy life. At times my three sisters and I would dress up and pose for a picture. But in one particular picture I am laughing. My head is tilt back and you can tell that something is really cracking me up. I can't help but smile at the picture and wish I was there again.
For this family though, it wasn't just the girls having a good time. It was also the mom. More often you see the scene of kids having fun and the parents yelling at them because they're 'messing around'.
The more I thought about it the more I realized that I, too, get caught up in life. I go through the motions of just trying to get things done and move on to the next thing I have to do. Why do we do that to ourselves?
About once a year my sisters, mom, grandma and I get together for a girls weekend. Oh man do we laugh!! That one weekend can be such a stress-reliever for me.
Why do we have to wait til we're on vacation or having a girls weekend though? Yes, those times are extra fun and that's great. But should we just go through the other days in life with a frown and hurrying onto the next stress? No!
That day at Walmart opened my eyes to all kinds of things I was missing but most important, Laughter. They say it's the best medicine and I truly feel it is.
Think about it.
When you're mad and someone makes you laugh.. are you still mad? If you're crying and something makes you laugh.. is your cry different? Think about other times where laughter is the last thing you're feeling. Would laughter help?
That leads me to ask... Do you laugh? I mean REALLY laugh?
There's a difference between kind of chuckling and having a truly deep down, belly laugh. There's also a difference between laughing at a funny text or email or even a funny movie and laughing with people. When you laugh at an email or a movie, the laughing doesn't last long. When you're with others and you're all laughing, it can go on for a while. Right?
I encourage you today to laugh. And laugh with those around you. Look at each moment and decide to laugh.
Sometimes my fiance thinks it's funny to drive the cart crazy in Walmart or the grocery store. He runs around and swerves in and out. I used to get so annoyed with this and say, "Really? We need to get done!" Well guess what. We didn't NEED to get done and he was enjoying life. So now I try not to be annoyed but laugh with him. I slow down and enjoy the moment.
That family from Walmart that day was on vacation. As it turned out they were parked right next to us and they had an out-of-state license plate. I still watched them as they laughed into their van. I wondered if they were like that when they weren't on vacation. But then I realized it didn't matter. I want to enjoy life, vacation or not.
So Laugh. And Laugh Hard!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Why Blog?
I have never done a blog before and honestly don't know much about them. I want to share why I'm starting one now and what I'm planning to blog about.
Over the past few years I have really felt God asking me to share my story, my life story. My life isn't so terribly different from everyone else but maybe I've gone through something just so God can use me to encourage you.
I started a book and it's still a work in progress. I'm content with still working on that and trying to get it published. But in the meantime I still feel that God doesn't want me to just sit by and wait. Along with this I feel like He's leading me to speak... specifically to women. I'm willing but I haven't felt like He's shown me a good way to start that.
It's possible that through these blogs opportunities will arise for me. That's up to Him. My focus will be more on you as I write.
This blog isn't going to be the normal updating on my life or what I did last weekend. It's more about sharing my convictions, struggles or encouragements. It's thoughts I have or things that happen that I feel like could help someone else. Some may convict you and some may encourage you. Some may be really serious and some may be more lighthearted. Most of them will have spiritual content in them. I'm not ashamed of that nor do I apologize. Christ is center in my life and therefore He'll come out in a lot of my topics. Some more than others I'm sure.
If you're reading this and wonder about a life with Christ, please ask. That is the most important topic.
Since I'm just doing this as things arise, I don't know how often I'll post. But please, if there is any topic you'd like me to discuss or you want my opinion (I've got lots of them!), email me at delightinlord@hotmail.com. You can feel free to email me too if I've encouraged you in some way or you want to discuss something more specifically or personally.
I want you to feel free to share my blog with others as well. I'm an open person and I think God is wanting to use that.
Please know that I in no way think I'm better, more spiritual, or am closer to God than any of you. It's not about that. I'm simply using a gift that I feel God has given me.
Let's enjoy a journey together.
Over the past few years I have really felt God asking me to share my story, my life story. My life isn't so terribly different from everyone else but maybe I've gone through something just so God can use me to encourage you.
I started a book and it's still a work in progress. I'm content with still working on that and trying to get it published. But in the meantime I still feel that God doesn't want me to just sit by and wait. Along with this I feel like He's leading me to speak... specifically to women. I'm willing but I haven't felt like He's shown me a good way to start that.
It's possible that through these blogs opportunities will arise for me. That's up to Him. My focus will be more on you as I write.
This blog isn't going to be the normal updating on my life or what I did last weekend. It's more about sharing my convictions, struggles or encouragements. It's thoughts I have or things that happen that I feel like could help someone else. Some may convict you and some may encourage you. Some may be really serious and some may be more lighthearted. Most of them will have spiritual content in them. I'm not ashamed of that nor do I apologize. Christ is center in my life and therefore He'll come out in a lot of my topics. Some more than others I'm sure.
If you're reading this and wonder about a life with Christ, please ask. That is the most important topic.
Since I'm just doing this as things arise, I don't know how often I'll post. But please, if there is any topic you'd like me to discuss or you want my opinion (I've got lots of them!), email me at delightinlord@hotmail.com. You can feel free to email me too if I've encouraged you in some way or you want to discuss something more specifically or personally.
I want you to feel free to share my blog with others as well. I'm an open person and I think God is wanting to use that.
Please know that I in no way think I'm better, more spiritual, or am closer to God than any of you. It's not about that. I'm simply using a gift that I feel God has given me.
Let's enjoy a journey together.
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