Winter Blues vs Seasonal Depression

 Before I get into our topic today, I want to apologize for the wait. I was sick for a good two weeks. People kept thinking it was covid but every test I took came back negative.

We also had a lady from our church pass away. I'm still in shock. I'm from a small church and we're all affected by this death. It was so unexpected that it's made me really think about priorities and some changes that I need to make.

BUT... today we're going to talk about winter blues vs seasonal depression (or Seasonal Affective Disorder). 

Now I admit, I hate winter. I hate the cold, the snow, the darkness... pretty much anything about it. I wouldn't say I have winter blues or seasonal depression but I want to make sure that people not only know that there is a difference but what the difference is. 

WINTER BLUES

Winter Blues happens during the colder months of the year. It brings about feelings of sadness and fatigue. Since the sun isn't out as long, some people get down and out. You may feel unmotivated and struggle getting up in the mornings. But overall, you can still function. You can do what's necessary. 

Some things that can help with winter blues is first, seeking out the sun. The sun is a mood booster. It gives us our Vitamin D. With my job, I'm literally working all of the daylight hours during the winter so I would take extra Vitamin D supplements. 

Other things is exercise and eating right. When we want to hibernate, so to speak, we want comfort foods like sweets and carbohydrates. While those feel good in the moment, they really make us more tired and lethargic. 

SEASONAL DEPRESSION

Now let's talk about seasonal depression (also called Seasonal Affective Disorder). 

First, it's good to define depression because it is one of the main differences. 

Depression is not just sadness

Depression negatively affects how you feel, think and act. You have loss of interest causing significant impairment to daily life. 

Seasonal depression is distressing and overwhelming feelings of sadness that interfere with daily functioning WITH a seasonal pattern. It is severe and can be debilitating. It does not have to happen only in winter. It can happen with any change of seasons but it happens at the same season every year. I have a friend that it happens in the fall. There's others that struggle in summer or spring. With the darkness and colder weather, it does happen most frequently in winter. 

If you feel you fit this description, please seek help. Go to a doctor and tell them how you're feeling. They should be able to determine if antidepressants will help or if you should just take more Vitamin D.

I hope this has helped because there is a very real difference. People that struggle with Seasonal Depression struggle more when people just call in winter blues because it is so much more. But I want to emphasize that winter blues is a very real thing so please do something to help.

I don't feel like I deal with either of these personally but I have people around me that do. I just plain don't like winter. lol. 

The next topics will be about my journey and why mental health is so important to me. I had written some posts a couple years ago. Feel free to go back and read them. But I'll write again to go along with my YouTube videos.

My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

YouTube link is https://youtu.be/GwaAPdDy7hk

Mental Health in a New Year

 I can't believe we are already a week into 2022! 

I have been so ready for 2021 to be over. It wasn't a great year for me personally. I'd say worse than 2020. I'm ready for a clean slate and a new start.

A new year can bring anxiety and fear or a feeling of hope and renewal.

So far it hasn't been great for me but I'm still trying to be hopeful. 

My depression is bad. It started when my New Year's Eve plans got messed up by a snowstorm. The entire weekend was a wash and I let it get to me. To add to it my day care got hit with sicknesses.

Today (January 8th) is the first time I've left my house since December 27th. That's not healthy. But it shows how deep my depression went. 

I'll talk more about my diagnosis, experiences and things that have happened in my life in my upcoming videos and blogs. For now, I want to focus on how we face a new year.

A lot of people make resolutions.. whether it be for physical health, mental health or just life in general.

I want to encourage you to make goals.. even small goals.

A resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something while a goal is the object of a person's ambition or effort, an aim or desired result. Doesn't a goal sound more attainable? For me personally, if I don't accomplish a resolution, I feel like I failed. If I set goals, then it can continue to be a goal until I do accomplish it. 

Let me tell you a story...

I have PTSD.

One of the effects is that I can get a panic attack in the middle of our small town grocery store. So before Christmas I needed to get quite a bit of stuff and didn't want to drive out of town. I literally text my mom and asked which aisle each of my items were located so that I knew exactly how to approach the store. If I stand in any spot for too long, panic starts to rise. Well, I did it! I made it through!

It's a victory!!

I don't know what you face in the new year. I don't know what your mental health is like. But I encourage you to set small goals.

"Today I'll do my hair rather than just pull it into a messy bun."

My friend set a goal to force herself to think of a positive thought first thing in the morning. It may not stick all day. It may turn out to be a horrible day. But every morning, she is going to start with a positive thought.

That's a great goal and can have a huge impact!!

And a great thing is that if she misses a day, it's okay. Just try again tomorrow.

I want all of us to be a little stronger in 2022.

I want to spread mental health awareness.

I want to break the stigma that comes with saying "I see a therapist" or "I have a psychiatrist". 

In the upcoming weeks, I'll dive deeper into my own personal story and journey. I also want to teach about things you may not know...

Winter Blues is not the same thing as Seasonal Depression (what?!?)

I will explain all of that soon but for now let's think on the new year and the small goals we can set to give ourselves victories. I'm cheering for you.

As always... email me at mannas.musings@gmail.com 

and check out my YouTube channel https://youtu.be/BDzSS8k8D2U

Tis the Season for HOPE

 Around 2010, I went through a series of tests to figure out some things with my mental health and other issues I was dealing with at the time. 

I had to remember words or items and repeat them a few minutes later. I had to say things backwards. They'd give me little puzzles to solve. Another part was filling out a survey of sorts where I'd fill in the little bubbles saying what I feel in different situations or answering different questions. The entire thing took at least three hours. It was very intense. BUT... the results were very interesting and worth it.

One side of this bar graph showed that my depression was so bad that I should have been in a hospital. The doctor was surprised that I wasn't. My depression was WAY below average. 

On the flip side...

(literally the opposite side of the graph)

It showed that my faith was extremely high. My faith.. my HOPE... was the reason that I was not hospitalized. It was WAY above average. 

My hope is in Christ. 

We celebrate Christ's birth this season. Why did Jesus come to Earth? Why did He come so humbly, meekly, fragile, fully dependent on His Earthly parents? 

He wasn't born in a golden crib. 

He was born in a manger... a feeding trough. 

WHY did He become man?

Jesus was born as a baby to die. 

His whole purpose was to die for us! 

Can you grasp that?

There are so many miraculous parts of Jesus' birth (I could spend a lot of time on each one) but really, it's about the cross.

I like the picture of a Christmas wreath symbolizing the season... but a crown of thorns representing the reason.

This is where our hope lies. Not hope like I hope for Legos for Christmas. But instead a deep trust of security. 

I hope IN Christ not FOR Christ.

My sister and I sang a song by Go Fish called It's About the Cross. I'm going to post the video on my Facebook page so feel free to check it out. (We do not own the rights to the song and the only recording is the one on my phone.)

I love the song because it talks about why Jesus was born and that "every drop of blood that flowed from Him when it should have been me." He was born so that He could die and rise again so that we can live and have hope in Him.

We don't have to do anything for this gift. It's a free gift from God. All you have to do is believe. Trust in Jesus Christ.

We don't know how long we have in this world. Crazy accidents and sudden deaths happen all the time. Accepting God's gift is a life or death decision. Please don't wait.

Once you put your trust in God, there is a new hope that we have. When Jesus ascended to Heaven, days after His resurrection, He promised He would come again. Those that put their faith and trust in Jesus are promised to live forever with Him.. whether we have already passed away or still alive when He comes. 

This season of Christmas reminds us that God came to Earth and lived among us. 

Don't forget the reason!

I hope you all enjoy Christmas, celebrating with family and friends and all that comes with it. 

Have a very Merry Christmas!!

PS... If you are curious about what I'm talking about.. putting your faith in God to have eternal life.. PLEASE don't hesitate another second to reach out to me. My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

Facebook... Amanda Cannon

Also check out my YouTube channel!! https://youtu.be/9NPyB5o-6Sg

Mental Health and the Holidays

 Mental health does not take a holiday!

During the holidays, people with mental illness struggle more than they do other times of the year. It could be depression that comes from loneliness, comparisons to others or something else. Anxiety can rise when we think of being around other people. 

And we can't forget about the stress that comes from this season. Stress makes conditions of mental illness worse.

According to NAMI- National Alliance on Mental Illness- 64% of people with mental illness report holidays make their conditions worse. 24% of those people say it makes conditions a lot worse while 40% say conditions are only somewhat worse. 

I label myself as a Scrooge and a Grinch. 

I would love it if we could just pass over the holidays. All of my conditions get worse this time of year. I'm more stressed, tired and exhausted. My anxiety is very high and I have to work to keep depression at bay. I feel like I have to really watch what I say and do around others or at events. This in itself is exhausting! 

Others with mental illness will feel the same way... having to be fake for a period of time takes it toll. 

Here's my advice... be prepared.

When you are going to an event or know that you'll be around a lot of people, go prepared to be more anxious and more on edge. Give yourself permission to take a break when needed. Avoid things that might make depression worse... like social media or certain Christmas movies. Do what you can to keep your stress lower. I like to get my shopping done in October!

Grief during the holidays can make conditions worse but grief affects everyone whether they struggle with a mental illness or not. Whether it be divorce, the loss of a loved one or something else, it should be noted that grief is okay. Not having my grandma this year makes holidays a little harder. We don't want to ignore the fact that the holidays can be hard for anyone. 

I want to debunk one myth about the holidays. 

Myth: There are more suicides during the holidays

Truth: Suicides DECREASE during the holidays. 

Suicide actually increases more in the spring and summer. During the holidays there can be a lot more support and feelings of being loved. Even receiving one Christmas card can help a person get through the day. 

I hope some of this helps you get through the holidays. If you feel alone or not loved, reach out to me! I'd gladly encourage you and show you love. If you want advice or help getting through a specific part of this season, please ask and I'll do my best to help you!

My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

My YouTube link is https://youtu.be/C8bR1kJTXcI

Be prepared, have a wonderful Christmas and don't forget to give yourself a break!!

YouTube Introduction: Let's Chat!

 Hi!

Man, it's been a couple of crazy years, hasn't it? 

I'm starting a new endeavor and that's a YouTube channel. 

I will talk about Mental Health but also just life in general. I have an education but I'm far from an expert. It will come from my heart and my experiences. I will do some research on specific topics but overall, it's going to be just me. 

Natural me. 

Chatting about things that happen in this life. You know I want to help people. It is my passion. 

I don't want anyone to feel alone. I know what that feels like even when surrounded by several people. 

I don't want families to be divided when they don't understand. When my parents were able to see a mental health exhibit, it helped our relationship get even stronger. 

I want people to feel like they can have a voice... even if it's through me. 

As I've stated before in other posts, I feel that God has allowed certain things in my life to be used for His glory. He doesn't want me to sit around and wait to be healed or for the issue to be resolved. He wants me honoring Him in ALL that I do. 

Tony Evans said "If you keep your eyes focused on God's purpose for you, not your pain, God will use your trials for your good and His glory". I've felt this way for years but just read his quote a week or so ago. I love it!

If you don't know me, please feel free to go back through some of my old posts. It's been a while and some of it probably needs updated, but you'll get an idea of who I am and why I write.

I know that not everyone likes to watch videos and not everyone likes to read blogs. So I'm going to do both. They'll be connected and on the same topic each week. I'll always put a copy of the YouTube link in my blog but I'd love if you would subscribe to it as well! My blog link will be on my YouTube channel.

I also have an email address that I'd like you to use if you want to reach out to me. If there's something specific you want me to talk about or just need someone to talk to, whatever it is, please let me know!

Email address is mannas.musings@gmail.com

YouTube link is https://youtu.be/g_aSj-qwimM

Let's chat with Manna's Musings!

Life, Love and Mental Health

Safety: Mental Illness Part 4

I've been working on this post for a little over two months now. It's been a tough one to write but I think it's important.

So let me start with this question... Do you feel safe?

I mean think about it... Do you truly feel safe?

Are you safe at home? Do you feel like someone could come in and take away your belongings?

Do you feel safe in different parts of your town or city? Do you feel safe when you're traveling?

What makes you feel safe?

I do things to insure that I'm as safe as possible.

But here's something I want you to ponder....

Do you feel safe in your own mind?

Let me clarify.
Do you trust your mind? Does your mind feel safe to you?

These questions sound ridiculous to anyone who does not deal with mental illness.

This is something that just began to ring true a couple months ago. Something that I hadn't fully realized or grasped myself.

I know mental illness is a very hard thing to understand for those that don't deal with it themselves. It's hard to understand why I do and don't do certain things.
My actions are in correlation to what's happening inside of me. 


Most of you don't know the way it feels inside. The way I can't trust my mind. The way my mind can be manipulated by an outside person's actions or words.

Now that is scary!

You can think of it as hypnotism but it's so much scarier because it's real life and no snapping out of it. I have to battle within my own head.

I don't feel safe. I don't trust my brain.


Two months ago I was in Colorado for a funeral. Something happened that affected my whole being. Someone sent me a text that disrupted everything. I became depressed, panicked, full of anxiety. I couldn't bring myself to go meet with the family so I stayed in the hotel.
That night I took action to stop the manipulation. I did what I could on my end to keep me safe on a mental level.
I'm not talking about safety from suicide. I'm talking safety in my own mind.
Conflicting truths about myself... what am I being told and what is truth?
I took action that stopped the wrong voices getting to me... at least the voices from actual people.
My mind has voices that tell me lies.. like I'm not lovable, I'm broken, damaged, etc. 

The next day at the funeral I was feeling better. The action I had taken made me have a sense of safety. That person could no longer manipulate me in that way.
After the funeral I talked to one of my second cousins that I just met. Talking with him for over two hours built my confidence and was so helpful. God put him there and coordinated the entire timing so that we were able to get to know each other in this way. He encouraged me in so many ways and about so many different things.

My therapist asked what was so significant. I had to think about it...
I felt like a person. I didn't feel like a problem needing fixed. I didn't feel like a crazy, anxiety-filled animal. I didn't feel like a depressed wilting flower.

I felt like a person!

The action I had taken the night before and the talk I had with my cousin became huge break-throughs for me. I felt safe.
I could easily fight negative thoughts by thinking of the positives.
I wasn't scared of people attacking me mentally.

Something happened the next week that took it away though.
This is why I wanted to bring this up now.

Mental safety comes and goes. And to be completely blunt... it sucks!!
No one is trying to mentally manipulate me anymore. Well... not in the same way, anyway. It's different actions not words. 
But with each of these actions, my own mind is failing me. It's backstabbing me so to speak.

My parents' house was my safety house outside of my own. It no longer is. He lives too close and it's so beyond painful. I won't stop going there but each time it's a true battle within me. I want to run away but I can't.
My mind fights against me.
I don't go around town out of fear and wanting to protect myself.. to be safe.

It's not just a battle of truth vs lies.
It's a battle of where my value comes from. It's a battle of focusing on what's in front of me and not thinking about other things happening. It's a battle of lovable vs rejection.

Rejection and feelings of abandonment are huge parts of borderline personality disorder.
I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (in case you didn't read my last post).
It's a label that my husband and I ignored. I worked on trying to handle stress and anger but never really dug into WHY I did certain things. I wish we had.
I'm still finding out things I did three years ago that I don't remember or didn't realize. I hurt people I love and I wish I could change it all. I want to correct everything from three years ago... with not only my husband and step sons, but sisters, nieces and nephews, former in-laws, etc.

Knowing what I know now explains so much. It doesn't excuse everything but it seriously has made different situations so clear. I wish I could tell him.


Here's a conversation I just had with my best friend a week ago...
Me: "I wish he would read about my disorder. But would it make a difference? I try to remind myself that 'he' doesn't exist."
Her: "Well, he does exist. He's just not in your world anymore. He's not a part of you. Why do you feel like you need him to read about your disorder?"
Me: "Because I'm trying to reach him... the real him. If you think he exists, then I want to keep pricking at him. The way he reacted to seeing you shows he knows he's done wrong."
Her: "I think it's because you still have hope you can change his mind. That he will want you back."
Me: "You're exactly right"
Her: "The guy that left you isn't the guy that married you. You feel like you can find the good guy. You are trying to reach the good one. Right? 
"I think you feel so guilty about the mental health part that all the actions and feelings you had because of your illness drove him away. That this is all your fault. You're wanting to fix it, because it's your fault and you want to 'educate' him so he will come back. Is that kinda it? You want a chance to 'right your wrongs'."
Me: "Yes. Nailed it"
Her: "Tell me how your new story begins. Life without him, life after divorce, life while battling a disease. How do you start over?... better yet.. How are you starting over.. Not how will you or how do you. Cause you already are."
Me: "I don't know."
Her: "How about acceptance. Accepting what's gone. I think you have finally accepted mental illness is real and that it's not your fault. And you're not a sucky person. That's one huge postive because I saw you struggling to accept/admit something was wrong."
Me: "Yeah, I get it. We ignored the diagnosis and that's why I want him to get it"
Her: "But he doesn't matter right now. You have to focus on yourself. This is such a HUGE tragedy in your life. It's upset your life in every way it possibly could. You have to make sure you are safe."
(KEY WORDS!!!... make sure you are safe.)
Me: "How do I do that beyond never being around town.. which I'm already doing."
Her: "You have to take care of YOU! If/when he ever wants to take a real good look at himself and your marriage, you can show him the way but he's so completely self-absorbed right now, it won't matter one bit."
Me: "How do I take care of me?"
Her: "You're doing it. Slowly but surely. You got yourself out of here when necessary.. even being uncomfortable. You did it!... For you! For your security and sanity! You have to have boundaries. People know you are willing to help. They lean on you, but you have to keep yourself safe. And YOU COME FIRST... even over your family (sisters, cousins, aunts, church elders, etc)."

See... I don't have all the answers. It's a learning thing. But safety IS important!

I've started to protect myself by thinking of my mind as a two-story house. There's a major trust issue with people. So I picture the person coming into my house. Would I let them in? Would they be allowed upstairs? Are they allowed in my most private space?
There are less than a handful that are allowed in my "bedroom". A few more are allowed in the "upstairs". A decent size (but not huge) are allowed in "my house". Yes, there are some only allowed on "the porch" and several not even allowed in "the fence". There's two people I've had to place out there and it hurts. But, again, safety is important. 

Understanding your mental illness (or your love one's) is a major part in understanding how to be safe.
Several times this week it has been brought up that unfortunately I'm learning about my mental illness at the same time as going through the divorce. It makes it all a lot harder and a longer process.
My psych said that typically someone going through divorce goes through the grieving process but I'm living IN it and not moving.

Since rejection and abandonment are so huge, I just realized that I don't live with knowing my husband left me.. but instead it's a daily rejection. Every day he's choosing to not be with me. That gets stuck in my mind. That's the whole lovable vs rejection thing.
It's a horrible feeling to know my mind can be so against me.
For me it's worse because I dream... I sleepwalk, sleep talk, sleep text, sleep eat, sleep online shop, sleep throw up.... my mind is always on.
With my headache, Mayo Clinic said I have a "sensitive brain" because I also get motion sickness easily, ice cream headaches, etc. 

The evenings and sleeping is the worst. 

This is how I sleep. In between all those pillows and the silver blanket is a weighted blanket for panic and anxiety. He used to be very helpful with my night panics. I now also have a penguin that I call Panic Penguin. I hold him against my chest. Yes, 39 years old and sleeping with a stuffed animal.

This mental fear and battle is something I wish I would have realized years ago.

Nevertheless, it's a battle.
One I sometimes lose. And one I sometimes win.

My therapist and I discussed that I'm living in quicksand. God provides the bridge to get out but I'm stuck. I'm working on getting out of the quicksand and then moving away from the entire sand pit. If I'm just sitting there, nothing will change. My world will always be just as it is... scary and lonely.

We've been talking about the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17)

I have this picture hanging to remind myself of the peace and calm the armor can bring.

(Ironically this comes after talking about wives submitting to husbands, husbands loving their wives like Christ loves, children obeying parents and slaves obedient to masters)

This armor is to protect us from the evil that wants to break all of those commitments. 

Verse 12.. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

This armor isn't just for those commitments mentioned but also, for me, to fight against mental battles that Satan wants to inflict on me.

This armor not only protects me but also gives me confidence to go out.

I want to always feel safe. I want to be surrounded by people that my mind feels safe with. It's relaxing and calm. It's a protective barrier.
I can't stress to you how hard this is. If you have a loved one going through this, please let them know you're there. Don't try to "fix it" but just help them by loving them.

If you are the person feeling unsafe, you are not alone. There are many of us.

I hope it happens again someday... that feeling of safety I had momentarily in Colorado. I think as I grow stronger in my journey, it will.
Tasting it gives me such encouragement to keep pushing towards that goal.

If there's events or specific dates coming that I know could cause me to feel unsafe, I work through my thoughts and feelings. I picture myself in that place or on that day. Then I come up with a plan. Plans help keep the safety stay as the event approaches. 

Each of us is different. My safety looks different than others. I know my triggers (read my triggers post) and I know how to read my body now. I can tell if I'm getting tense, panicked, emotional, etc.
Your body tells you, too. Just start paying attention to it.

I know in my head that my value is in God. He loves me. He created me in my unique, special way. No matter how I mess up, He'll never leave me.
I KNOW that.. but it's when the other incidents or negatives occur.
My mind fights me and sends me to a negative place.

Like I said... it's hard to understand if you don't deal with it. So be patient with us. Having a mind that constantly wants to betray you is scary and lonely.

I hope this was encouraging to those of you that struggle. Keeping your mind safe and setting up those boundaries is just as important as being physically safe.

Be alert. Know your surroundings. Be prepared. Have a plan.

Those things work for both mental and physical safety. Use them!

(if you ever want to talk or have questions, email me delightinlord13@gmail.com)

I'm praying for you.

My Story: Mental Illness Part 3

I've been working on a post for almost two months. I will still get that one done but I decided that maybe I need to share my mental health story first. I want you to know where I'm coming from and, hopefully, where I'm headed.

About five years ago I came to the realization that I would not be having my own children. It was devastating to me. My entire life has been with kids and wanting kids so when I started having this deep hopeless feeling, I assumed it was depression because of the infertility.

I went to a family doctor and was put on anti-depressants. I also saw a counselor to talk through it all. But it seemed as though the anti-depressants sent me to the hospital. I tried several and almost always ended up in the hospital.
I would have horrible stomach pain and would be throwing up. It was a constant until I could get the IVs needed at the hospital.

Over Thanksgiving that year, I was bad enough that I would go in just for IV fluids.
(you can read about this time in my life in my post "for those who struggle" written in Feb of 2015. I find it especially interesting knowing all I know now.)

The doctors that saw me never thought it was the anti-depressants making me sick but it was the only thing that made sense in my mind. No tests were telling me anything different was wrong so I assumed I had an allergy to anti-depressants.

That following February we were in Wisconsin for a family gathering. We received news that stunned me and made me feel depressed about my infertility. In the middle of the night, the pain started again. SO much pain that I couldn't lie still, I couldn't relax. I kept going into the bathroom to throw up but nothing would happen. Finally, we went to the ER.

They ran tests on me and I was there for quite a while. I had time to talk to these different nurses and the doctor. I asked them about it being from stress.
They said that it definitely could be stress and that it made sense. It could also be anxiety and panic.
I ended up being medicated enough that I slept the entire way home from Wisconsin. I don't remember any of it.

That doctor had suggested seeing a different counselor/therapist and possibly a psychiatrist. (I'll shorten that to psych from now on)
I did as he suggested.

In 2015, I was diagnosed with severe depression along with high anxiety and panic attacks. I saw my psych regularly as well as a new therapist.
My husband did well with my random panic attacks. It would mostly happen at night and he would help calm me to a place I could sleep again. 
At this time we still thought it all surrounded my infertility.

In 2016, however, my eyes were opened.

There was an incident at my parents house where my sister got angry with me and said everyone was tired of walking on eggshells. This rocked me to my core and I was in shock.
I went home without another word and at home asked my husband if he understood. He said he did not.

Later I was told that I have bursts of uncontrollable anger... that I can be fine and then BOOM, I'm angry.
This was news to me. I knew that I can get mad and I grew up knowing I had a temper (which now makes sense... keep reading..) but to have these bursts of anger that my sisters and husband described I couldn't wrap my brain around. It was literally blind anger.

I'm talking big outbursts too. I would become a monster. I don't like thinking back to that but it happened and I don't want to leave it out.

I talked to my psych about this and he guided me towards some anger management books but also diagnosed me (correctly this time) with borderline personality disorder. It was during this time of finding out how I treated people and being told that everyone was against me that I attempted suicide. You can read more about that in my Mental Health Part 1.

Here is a summary of borderline personality disorder:

From that diagnosis and earth shattering events, I've been working on myself and trying to mend strained relationships.

My parents never saw this anger and were confused by it as well. So for a few months, I lived with them. Trying to find a calm.
My husband and I were in constant communication and knew this was a temporary situation.

All of this new information... the news about my actions, the new diagnosis, etc.. everything seemed different. I was learning to become very aware of what I was feeling at all times.
I also switched counselors again. 
Without knowing the previous diagnosis, she also said I had borderline personality disorder.

As I've been taking this journey and discovering more, I can look back into my past and see times that I was struggling with my mental health... childhood, high school, college, etc.
If I put myself back in that moment, I can feel the anxiety and panic. Other times I can feel the unexplainable hopelessness. I can feel it physically, emotionally and mentally. I know, now, that it was the same thing I deal with today.
Those times that I was labeled "with a temper" weren't always just your average getting mad but were a result of panic inside of me.

While I'm still going to write specific posts about specific topics (Depression, Anxiety, Panic), I want to give you a quick insight into what I experience.

When I'm fighting the depressed, hopeless state, I'm tired. My body and mind feel numb and I want to cry.
Notice... this is different than what I described in my post about suicide. Suicide is all pain. Everything hurts.
Right now I'm talking depression. It's different. I know that confuses a lot of people. I fight depression regularly. Suicidal thoughts are far apart.. and when on the right medication and talking to the right therapist are very rare.
People ask "why can't you just be happy?" when talking about my depression. It's not a light switch so it's not something I can just turn off and on. It's deeper.

Anxiety for me feels like I'm going to throw up. My stomach is in so much pain and my chest gets very tight.
Panic is the next level up. My whole body hurts and I can't grasp how to release it. I pace around the room and can't finish sentences.
If you watch my hands, you can tell when I'm anxious and follow it up to panic.
I have tools that help me but if I'm not able to use those, it can come out in anger. For example.. if I'm "freaking out" and I walk away from the situation, I need to be left alone. If I'm followed or pushed against a wall, I turn into a different person, trying to get free.

I don't like that person.

Mental illness isn't a battle a person can face alone. 
It takes people that truly love you and support you. They need to do their best to understand what is happening and not try to fix the "problem". 
So if you are a person whose loved one is battling mental illness, I applaud you. Don't give up. Don't quit on them. It's hard on you, too. I know. It's a very confusing thing for everyone involved.
Tell them you love them and want to learn more. THEN learn more.

I can't blame all actions on mental illness and think I'm without blame. That's pure ignorance and foolishness. There's times that I HAVE to fight the battle inside of me. I can't let it take over. When it does, there can be a mess to clean up. Hurt feelings on every side. I'm not innocent.

Going back to three years ago, as it was all new, my panic attacks were frequent. It came from not knowing myself or what to do with it. I felt rejected and not a complete person.
It's hard for others to understand that. I tried to explain it to different people back then and it was too hard. Back then I didn't know as much as I do today.

I've devoted a lot of time over the last year to figuring out how to explain mental health to people. It's very misunderstood and there's a stigma that needs to be banished. My husband left me a year ago and the things he said that day all lead to my mental health.

I'm a Disney fanatic. And I've been noticing different characters in different movies... Ed in The Lion King and Chicken Little are the main two that come to mind. They are projected as "crazy". They make us laugh. In Chicken Little, a little girl with her mom walks by Chicken Little and says, "look mom it's the crazy chicken!" The mom replies, "yes, crazy little chicken. stay away from the crazy chicken." This was because he had said the sky was falling so yes, it seems crazy. But the portrayal was to stay away from him because of it.
There are more I'm noticing now that I'm digging into mental health.
Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh is known for being depressed. Olaf calls Kristoff crazy when he's talking to "the rocks". 
I just watched Smallfoot. There is a character in there that literally is called crazy and it hurts him.
On FRIENDS there's an episode where Monica and Chandler are questioning a guy about being a sperm donor (John Stamos). Chandler asks if there's mental health in his family.

What's my point?
There's labels for those of us who are "crazy" and there's a negative stigma.
I've been called 'crazy', 'nutcase', 'insane', 'mental', 'nuts', 'bonkers' and more.
At times we may be scary or act like we're literally insane. But we're still people.

Mental illness is real.

Here's a sign from a mental health exhibit I went to (three times!). Notice how many of those names I was called. Also notice the original question... is there a slang word for cancer or asthma? What about diabetes?

Back to my story... After living with my parents for just a few months, I moved back home. Now that I was aware of the issue, I could work on myself a lot more. But there's only so much that I can do. 
It really can be a "two steps forward, five steps back" type of situation. 

I, again, switched therapists. I actually went to a completely different location. It was one that my husband and I could both see a person individually and then also together. 
It is VERY important to find the right person. It has to be someone you trust and can be completely open.

Things seemed to be improving... so I thought.

I felt like I, myself, was improving but our household had become toxic.
I was mentally manipulated at times and even abused with it. It's scary living with a mental illness. We can't trust our own minds and then when someone else is telling us what to do or think, or calling us names, it just makes it worse, not better.
A year ago there was an event for my husband's fire department. I had every intention in going but he told me not to. He knew it caused me anxiety and told me to stay home. I begged him to let me go and he wouldn't. He then told people there that I wasn't feeling well.
He left me crying and confused. I was supposed to be asleep by the time he got home.

For myself, my instinct is to hide and sleep. It's healthier for me to try to get out there when I'm able.
Depression, anxiety and panic are all very debilitating. They paralyze me.
So when there's a time that I feel like I could fight the anxiety, it's best to take that opportunity and use it to become stronger. 
We need the encouragement to be out with people. We can't and shouldn't hide away all the time. We need to live and learn to live with our illness.
Don't get me wrong, though! There are times that we NEED to be left alone. We NEED a break from fighting our minds and fighting for survival. But we shouldn't live in hiding... as tempting as it is. 

Right now I struggle with all of that. I want to hide away. I don't do anything around town (I'll get to that more next time).

It's been a hard journey. And dealing with divorce while trying to become stable is extra hard. There's constantly a battle.
My job helps me tons. I work 11 hours a day but that's 11 hours that I don't have to think about anything except the kids. It's exhausting but then I have evenings to sleep.

Weekends are the hardest. There's too much time alone with my thoughts.

My parents are amazing. They are learning about mental health with me. They come to my house all the time to help me. Not just for a bad day but just in general to help with different things.

I have supportive and understanding friends as well. 
That goes a long way. 

I had to switch therapists again due to the divorce and I have a new psych. 


While I'm mentioning psychs...
I want people to be okay with medication. There's nothing wrong with it as long as it's not being abused. I encourage you to find a psych you trust and a good therapist. It can be hard to find the right fit but it's so worth it.
I can list tools that may help like I did in my post about Triggers. But unless I know your situation specially, they're just suggestions. Everyone is different. Different things work for different people. Please see someone and don't just hide away.

Mental illness isn't something that can just be prayed away or something that verses can cure. DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I'm a full believer in Christ. I trust Him 100%. I have faith. IT helps just as much as the medications. 
Having anxiety, depression, panic attacks doesn't make me less of a Christian. Taking medicine doesn't make me weak. 
Someone once told me that a specific painkiller is a cure-all. That person spoke out of ignorance.. plain lack of knowledge. Pain killers don't help with anxiety or depression. There may be physically pain but it's coming from mental imbalance, not physical injury.
Just like you take medicine for a headache or diabetes or any other illness, medications for mental health is the same. Please do not think it's bad to be on medication for stability. Mental illness IS an illness and needs to be treated as such.
I heard an example of a broken leg. If your leg is broken, you aren't just going to ignore it. You'll do whatever it takes to fix it. The same is true for mental health. Do whatever it takes to be stable.

And again... I'm going to you that have a loved one with a mental illness... let them know you are okay with their medications. Help others to understand it. And really don't use it as a tool so you don't have to deal with them.

Living with mental illness can be very scary. Knowing and trusting the people that surround us make a big difference.

 I hope my story helped a little. I'll be going into more truths to help with getting rid of the negative stigma in upcoming posts.

Next time I'm going to talk about Safety.

I'm leaving here a scene from the movie Disney movie 'Moana'. It spoils the ending if you haven't seen the movie but it fits what I feel like. The anger and what defines me.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/PQVeSFCtqecugweN7

I hope the link works. 
Here's what sticks out to me... They've taken her heart and she doesn't know who she is or what defines her. Having someone understand and return her heart takes off that outer shell of anger and she feels herself again.

I've lost the "real" me. She's in there. I can feel her but it's not real yet.
The more I keep putting one foot in front of the other and looking to God, the more "ME" I'll feel.

My name is Amanda Cannon. I am not crazy. I live with borderline personality disorder.