Getting Stronger

In my last post, I opened myself up. I was completely honest and wanted to show you that I do struggle and that I in no way think I'm better than you. I'm hoping that seeing me in my vulnerability will help you to not only see the real me but also trust me and respect me.
Like I've said many times, my blog is about God using me in my life experiences. I felt like if I was always writing posts trying to convict people, they may think I have the "Holier than thou" type of personality. I don't and I want you to see that. I also think that you could be more encouraged if you also know that I struggle and can relate.
I realized that it has been two weeks since that post and this morning I felt convicted about it.
I want you to know that after I posted my struggles, I got right with God. I opened my heart up completely to Him and let go of everything. My anger towards Him is gone.
1 John 1:9 says "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." That is just what I did.
Over the last two weeks I've really looked to God for my strength and I handle "issues" better than I did before. I'm staying calm and using wisdom on my reactions. I'm even aware of certain situations that may cause me to struggle. Sometimes I stay away and sometimes I'm right there but keeping my head on and focused on watching my tongue and attitude.
It's not like these last two weeks have been easy and it's not like nothing has tested my reliance on God. In fact, these last two weeks have been very tough. Basically nothing has changed except my attitude. I'm still tired, don't feel well and am stressed out. So much has happened over these last couple of weeks that if I didn't lean on God, I would have fallen over and never got up.
I'm so thankful that He is always here.
I felt convicted about not writing before because I realized that if someone read my post, then saw me looking so tired or down, they may think I'm still mad at God. I am tired and I am down but the anger towards God is not even slightly there anymore.
I also want to stress this very important point. I was not right in my attitude before. I knew it while I was in the midst of it, I knew it while I was writing that post and I know it now. I've never tried to deceive myself thinking I was justified. I need to stress this so that you don't think you're right if you have that same attitude.
Yes, we can all find ourselves having this attitude but it doesn't make it right. We want to blame sin nature but that also doesn't make it right.
God is God. We can never presume to know more than Him or think we can control life better. He has our best in mind because He loves us. We have to trust Him in that.
Trials and struggles will NEVER get better if you don't let go and look to God.

Strength in Weakness

I am weak.

I am weak physically, emotionally, mentally and yes... even spiritually.

I don't feel good. My headache isn't great. I'm on three medications that all make me tired. I'm doing physical therapy that is pushing me to my limits. And at the moment I'm starting my cycle.

A few weeks ago I was hit with the idea of being used in weakness. Not after it's over and not while I'm feeling strong. But actually IN the weakness. So I'm writing today to show you that I'm human, that I also struggle on a number of levels.

The whole point of my blog is to encourage and convict through my experiences. (read my first post if you haven't yet)
Each post has been something that I feel God has put on my heart to share.
I'm sure this one is no different but God feels far away. I realize that that is my fault however.

I know 9 years ago when my headache started I was frustrated and struggled but it didn't last long. I fully learned to lean on God and knew that I was going through all this for Him. I knew that someday He'd use the lessons I learned and I felt closer to Him.
Over the last 4 months, my health has gotten worse. I'm dealing with doctors, tests, medical bills and everything all over again. And I'll admit.. I'm angry!!!!
I'm very bitter, angry, frustrated... and it's pointed at God.

I have days where I have my head on straight and I apologize to Him and I get it right and focus on the right things. But I want to be completely honest with you in this post. Those days are rare and it's usually after my fiance yells at me showing me that I'm wrong in my attitude.

On a daily basis, I fake life. I smile. Laugh. And appear to be handling things okay. 

Inside I'm mad. I want to yell. Scream. And just want to lay in bed until it's over.

I've always claimed to be an open person but I'll admit that I'm not when it comes to confessing my struggles to others. This whole post is hard for me.

People deal with struggles in life all differently. Some people vent openly on the internet telling anybody their every struggle in life. Some people vent to real people but to every person they talk to. And some, like myself, try to handle it on my own. I may vent to my fiance and my best friend but mostly I keep it inside until there's too much there and it all comes out... in a very negative way usually. 

None of these are good practices, I think. All of us need to go to God first! Then our spouse. Then if we need sound advice, we (as a marital team) could go to one or two people. Even then I don't believe it should be every little thing. I think there's a certain level of discretion that needs to be in place when it comes to sharing our lives. Even in this post, I'm being honest and open but not telling you every detail or even every wrong done to me. God knows and I think He wants us to keep certain things private in our relationships.

We've been going through the book of Job on Wednesday nights at my church. I swear to you that it's just for me. We probably started it in Feb so just a month after I started dealing with worse headaches and going through all this other stuff. One speaker in particular convicts me every time he speaks. One time he said "if you think you've got it bad, think of Job" My fiance uses that one against me too!
I need it though.

I get caught up in the why am I going through this? Why isn't it almost over rather than getting worse? Why is HE doing this to me?

I have always had anger issues. I've had a temper for as long as I can remember. But right now I'm a bomb. I'm so bitter with life that the littlest things bother me and big things make me explode. Unfortunately, I've trained myself to keep it in and it typically comes out on my fiance. I honestly am amazed that he still wants to marry me. I'm not the person he started dating or fell in love with.

My best girlfriend and I always joke about how there is always something that I have to deal with. It could range from my passport being wrong to our honeymoon flight being cancelled to a store being closed when I need it open to my daycare sink exploding and causing a major mess. All of these things have happened (plus more!) over the last few months. I used to be able to handle them. I could take them in stride and I could even laugh it off.
Not now.

Right now EVERYTHING is a big deal. Everything sends me to the roof. Everything causes me so much stress that I don't sleep and I get sick. And if it's a person who has done me wrong, get out of my way! I have to literally bite my tongue. There may be times that I have every right to be frustrated with what they did to me but I need to not sin in my anger and definitely not hold onto it!
You know what I realized this morning?

More than likely, until I learn to look to God and ask for His help rather than blaming Him, He's going to keep allowing things to happen. Why wouldn't He?

I'm not saying He's punishing me. But when I'm not looking for His help, why would He help? If I'm pushing Him out of my life, I know He's not the type to push His way back in. He WANTS to be there but He won't force Himself on me. He doesn't force Himself on anybody.
If you don't know God, please ask me about it. I need Him in my life. We all do. Yes, I'm struggling right now but I know He's still there loving me. If you don't know Him personally, ask me how to do so. If you don't think you need Him, ask me why you do. That is the first step we all must take.
(my email is delightinlord@hotmail.com)

My heart is already starting to soften.

I have really been offending my fiance lately. Not by blaming things on him or yelling at him. But by not having the faith in God that I should have. He accepted Christ as his personal Savior just three years ago. He's a baby Christian.
Luke 7:47 says "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little." (NIV)
This verse reminds me of my fiance and I. His life has turned an 180. There is a big distinction between his life before Christ and his life after. He knows exactly what he's been forgiven of. He knows where he's been and what he's been saved from. I, on the other hand, do not have two lives so to speak. I grew up in the church. Although I had to have a point of salvation, I don't have a before Christ life and an after Christ life.

My fiance shows his love for Christ so well because he has been forgiven of a lot. He gets offended by my weak faith and my anger towards God. And he should be! I'm in the wrong!
A month ago I led the ladies' Bible study we do at the church. This verse was mentioned and I made the point that we (who were raised knowing Christ) should NOT love Him less just because we are forgiven less. We're all forgiven of all sins.. the ones we've done and the ones we will do. Can I even suggest that we've been saved from committing certain sins because God blessed us by the family we were born into? I should stop and be thankful for that fact alone!!!

I again tell you that this post is to show you that I'm weak. Today is Sunday. I don't feel good and therefore am not at the first meeting of our church. If my medicine kicks in and God gives me strength, I'll go to the second meeting. My first order of business though is to get right with Him. I need to apologize, again, and let go. I need to give it ALL to Him. I need to stop trying to have control and let things be out of control. I know He'll make things right.
I'm not saying my headache will magically disappear or I'll have energy. I'm not saying that I'll feel good at all. Physically, I may be weak for the rest of my life.
Mentally, emotionally and definitely Spiritually I need to start making sure that I find strength in God. He is not my enemy. Satan is. And Satan has been winning for a long time.
I will not be perfect. I will not be strong everyday.
Right now I have the occasional day where my heart is right and I have a positive outlook on life. I need to switch that. I need to have the occasional bad day (if any). Most of my days should be dependent on God and leaning on Him.
My other posts have mostly been written on Spiritual good days. This one isn't but it needs to be the rarity.

I was not only blessed by being raised in a multi-generational Christian home but also a multi-generational musical home. Music is a big part of our lives. I constantly have songs going through my head. In fact, after High School I decided to not listen to secular (non-Christian) music. One reason is because I don't need worldly lyrics running through my mind. Secondly, I often am singing to myself and don't know that it's out loud. I want to watch what comes out of my mouth and KNOW that it's glorifying to God.

A lot of times I think God puts a song in my mind to remind me of His strength, power and His control.
The song that has been going through my mind as I write this is Casting Crowns' song "In Me." The chorus says "Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong. When I'm blind You shine Your light on me. Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability. How refreshing to know You don't need me. How amazing to find that you want me. So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength until You bring the victory. By the power of Christ in me."

I have the power in me to beat the mental battle I'm going through. The mental battle is actually a spiritual battle and if I beat it, I'll emotionally be okay too. Because if I beat the battle, it's really Christ beating Satan. It's really me turning all control over to God. It's letting Him be the God that He is meant to be.

Just a week ago, I decided to use my Bible app on my phone. I looked up some reading plans. One I'm reading right now is Joyce Meyer: Promises for Your Everyday Life. Two days ago her opening line was "I believe every time we feel frustration, it means we've really stopped relying on God."
She might as well have been here and hit be between the eyes.

I'm struggling and I'm weak. But I'm trying to get it right by letting go and letting God.
Please pray for me and I'll go read my Bible.

What's your Motivation?

What's your motivation?
This question has been running through my mind a lot lately and last weekend I discussed it with youth group.
Motivation is something that seems to change often. It can change each day or even for each event. For example, your motivation for working out or dieting is probably different than your motivation for what to do today.
My real question is what SHOULD our motivation be? And can we have two?
If we're Christians, our motivation should constantly be to glory God in all that we do. That's easier said than done! But there's a lot of verses about it, so it must be important!
Proverbs 3:6 says that in ALL our ways acknowledge Him. Hebrews 12 tells us to run the race "fixing our eyes on Him". 1 Corinthians says "whether then you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."
The idea is repeated over and over so obviously God knew that we constantly needed to be reminded of this.
Why? Why is it so hard to live our lives for the One who died for us?
We could blame sin nature or the media but bottom line the issue is just plain us.
I watched a movie the other day where a man chose to live for money rather than pursue to be a preacher. Yeah, he became rich and had a nice car and he seemed happy. But when he got the chance to see how life would be without his money, he saw what he had given up.
Just stop and think for a moment. What gives you more satisfaction? Living a day focused on money or living a day focused on God? That question may be harder for some than others.
Right now I have medical bills, wedding stuff and other money issues. Yes, it stresses me out! But when I stop and put my daily efforts to simply living for God, the stresses lessen. Do they disappear? No. Does God send money raining from the sky? No. Do the medical bills magically get paid? No. But do I feel more successful? Yes. Do I feel at peace? Yes. Do I trust that everything will work out? Yes.
Along with the medical bills, I've had a couple decisions that were hard to make. Right now my deductible is met. I was thinking about having a surgery. No one knows whether the surgery would help or not. I had to step back and think about what my motivation was. Was it because I wanted the headache gone so bad that I'd do anything? Was it because right now I virtually wouldn't be paying for the surgery but after I'm married I'll have different insurance so then I will be? Or was it because I truly felt that God was leading me down this path? I decided against surgery and have complete peace.
Have you seen the movie Courageous? If not, you should! That is especially true if you have a family or plan to have one someday. There's a part of that movie that relates more than that first movie I mentioned. It's still about motivation being money vs God but the guy isn't trying to get rich. He's just trying to provide.
This man is a husband and father. He's struggled with jobs and being laid off because the job is finished or he's the most recent hired. They struggle to buy food and just pay bills. Finally he gets a job that lasts and they are comfortable. (not rich but comfortable). His boss pulls him in the office and asks him to be the new shipment manager. BUT when a shipment comes in he is asked to lie about how many shipments came in. The boss makes it known that if he can't do this, he'll lose his job.
The man goes home and tells his wife. You can see how hard it is for them to keep their motivation on God. The wife says "I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back." And you can see on the man's face, how much he wants to just provide. But is he willing to lie? Is he willing to switch his motivation from God to money?
There are so many decisions we face where we decide to look to God or something else. It may not always be money.
I'll go back to working out. Is your motivation God? It could be. It could also be vanity. Do you work out so you look good? Or do you work out so you can feel good?
Earlier I asked if we can have two motivations. I think in certain cases we can but we need to be careful. Working out is one of them. Should we work out JUST so we look great? I'm not quite sure that that's glorifying to God. Maybe we can work out to feel great, look great and have more energy. That sounds more like it. We need to keep our vanity in check that's for sure! No matter what though, when we work out, we should be looking to God. We should be doing it for His glory. That should still be our main motivation and focus! Then there can be another motivation below Him.
Colossians 3 is a wonderful chapter about living for God and how that can benefit not only ourselves but others too. I'll just hit a couple verses. Verse 2 reads "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth." We live on the earth so it's easy to live for things that are here. But we're told to live for things above. We need to live as if we're leaving this earth right now!
Verse 17 says "Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." Do ALL in the name of the Lord Jesus! That means our entire lives! And did you catch the last part? "Giving thanks!" Wow. That's a hard task, isn't it? I've had a headache for 9 years. How many times have I thanked God for it? At least I can say that I have at times, but everyday for the last 9 years? I'll admit I have not. But the verse says that in ALL I do, headache or not, I should do in His name, giving thanks!
Here's my favorite verse in this chapter. Verse 23. "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men.." I'm self-employed so I don't have a boss. But I do have different daycare parents that I have to answer to on occasion. Am I working for them or God? Are you working for people or God? Sometimes our motivation gets messed up because we're worried about what others will think. We want to be liked in this world. There are some people that don't like Christians. And the Bible warns us that we will be persecuted for following Him.
So what really matters? Having people like us now or having God proud of us?
I'm not sure who you work for or what your situation is but for me, I know that if I'm living for God and not to please my daycare parents, that my daycare parents will be pleased. In other words, if I'm living with integrity and doing things God wants me to, I doubt my daycare parents will have a complaint. So why don't I focus on God rather than them? I should.
For some it may not be so cut and dry. Some are in a position like the guy in Courageous. They have to really make a distinct and firm decision to follow God no matter the cost.
Here's a wise statement that one of my youth group boys said. I can't remember exactly how he worded it but basically it was "We need to have God in front now, before bad things happen or tough decisions. God shouldn't just be there to fall back on. He should already be leading." Such wisdom from a teenager!
God isn't supposed to be our fall back guy. He's supposed to be our leader.
Verse 24 in Colossians 3 ends with "It is the Lord Christ whom you serve". We need to make sure that that is a true statement! Is it in your life?
Part of that goes back to verse 23. It said to do our work heartily. We shouldn't work and complain. We should do it with all our heart for God.
So.. we're to have God as our motivation. In ALL that we do, we should glorify Him. We should give thanks to him. And do everything with our whole heart, not complaining. Tall order? Yes. Should that stop us? No.
A music group that I grew up listening to has a song with these verses. The group is AVB and the song is "Work at it."
Read the words. Soak it in. And live it!!

Commit to the Lord whatever you do And all of your plans will succeed In all of your ways acknowledge Him And He will take care of your needs So whatever you do whether work or play Give your best everyday Chorus: You've gotta work at it with all of your heart (with all of your heart) Work at it with all of your heart (That's workin not for man) As working for the Lord and not for man You've gotta work at it with all of your heart You work at your job, you work hard at school But the things of this life fade away But if you work for the Lord it is never in vain And he will guide your feet everyday So with His word in your heart and His love in your soul You can press on to the goal Repeat Chorus Anything that is worthwhile deserves your heart (You know that it deserves all your heart) If you will not give it all don't even start (Don't even start) Repeat Chorus (x2) Work at it with all of your Work at it with all of your Work at it with all of your heart.

What's your motivation?

Popping Bubbles

After I shared about my struggles with a headache in my last post, I've felt that I should share more. This is something that is deep in my heart and I have a real passion about.
I've hesitated with this because I don't want to give away what is written in my book. I'm still very hopeful that I'll get a chance to finish it and get it out there. I feel God wants me to still do the book but I should go ahead and do this post.
We all grow up thinking life is going to turn out a certain way. It really never crosses our minds that it could possibly go different. I've experienced this first hand which places it heavy on my heart.
I always wanted to be a mom and so therefore a wife. I just assumed that I'd get married after High School and then start having kids. I didn't want to go to college because I just wanted to be a mom. My dad convinced me to go to college but it wasn't because he said I may never get married. Instead he said that I should have a degree in case something ever happened to my husband. Or at least that's what I remember his reasoning being.
Little girls watch movies filled with fairy tales. I love them, don't get me wrong, but they fill us with false hopes and dreams.
We grow up not even thinking that it's possible to be 30 and single (which I was). Those of us that want kids, it doesn't cross our minds that we may not be able to (which I may not).
If you're young and reading this, I'm here to pop that bubble. Not because I'm mean but because I want to try to prepare you a little. Life isn't a fairy tale.
I went to a college where they basically tell you that you'll find your mate there. There are jokes about how fast people get engaged and married. It's assumed that it's the perfect place to find a spouse.
I know people that have found each other there and have wonderful marriages. I also know people who started dating, assumed that they should marry and now either struggle in it or are divorced.
And there are others that dated more than they studied because all they wanted was to be married. Then they ended up hurt by bad break-ups and poor decisions. That was me.
I quit school. Not necessarily because of the guy issues but it played a part. Two years later, I returned and very much had no desire to date anyone. I had offers but by that time I had a huge chip on my shoulder. I was dealing with my headache and just didn't care. I was there for school that time, not for marriage.
The world's society tells us that it's okay to be single well into our 30's. We should focus on our own careers. The Christian society is a little different though. Single at 30 seems like a death sentence.
I don't think the world is right but I also don't think marriage should be the focus in the Christian society either.
The focus needs to be on God. My email is delightinlord@hotmail.com. The reason it's Delight In Lord is from Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
This has become my motto for life. I found myself 26 years old. I had had a headache for 3 years,  was told I possibly couldn't have kids and had just been through a really bad break-up. Everything was against me.. or so I thought.
I opened my Bible and read this verse. I was so frustrated thinking none of my desires had come true. Well guess what! I wasn't doing the first part! Delighting in the Lord. That's the main part!!
We tend to just focus on ourselves and think of the desires we have. Most of us don't stop to think about what God has in store or what His plan is. As sad as it is, a lot of us don't live life to delight Him but to delight ourselves.
I looked up the work 'delight.' It means to take great pleasure in. In other words, we should have joy in the Lord. We should love being with Him. This also means that we need to be with Him and learn more and more about Him. If I'm focusing on that instead of my desires, my desires become the same as His. I will be so close to God that what I want is exactly what His will is. It could still mean that a part of me still wants to have kids, but I'm content if He decides I can't. Delighting in Him means that in trials and struggles I look to Him and know that He is in control. 
We don't delight in Him because we want our desires. That wouldn't be true delight in Him. We delight because we love Him. We have true JOY in Him. 
Joy is different than happiness. We can grieve but still have joy knowing our Father is in control. We can be frustrated but still have joy in what He does for us. Basically Joy is an emotion that is deeper than the surface.
I kinda laugh at myself when I think back. Now I'm 32. I've had a headache for 9 years. I'm 5 months away from my marriage. I still don't know if I can have children. I'm going to be a step-mom which is really hard and not what I expected when I dreamed of marriage. I'm planning a wedding where a lot of what I always wanted isn't going to take place. My dreams are coming true but still not in the way I imagined when I was 18. 
Things change but God doesn't.
He says "For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor your ways, my ways" (Is 55:8)
But He also says "I know the plans I have for you... "(Jer 29:11)
God is in control. He knows our dreams and desires. But He'll always acts out of what's best for us, not what we think is best. 
I wish someone would have told me all this when I went to college (or maybe even before). I wish that marriage wasn't shoved in my face so much that I dated guys who really were not good for me. I wish someone would have warned me that even if I get my dreams that they may not be what I thought. 
I wish a lot of things really. But God had different plans. In those plans I think He placed in me a desire to not only learn from my past but to encourage others to Delight in Him and not live in a bubble of thinking we all end up how we picture it. 
Don't live your life expecting to be married by a certain age. Or by thinking marriage will be easy or you'll have kids without a problem. Don't even let yourself get caught up in a career without Him in it. 
Live your life delighting in Him. The rest will fall into place.




ps.. If you're just joining me, please read my first blog.

Headaches

I'm not quite sure how to start this one. If you read my About Me section, you can see that I've had a headache for nearly 9 years. I feel led to do a couple things. I want to share with you a little about that struggle and also tell you how it's affecting me right now.
In September of 2002, I got my first migraine. It was one of the worst pains in the world. That following February (2003) something worse happened. I got a headache that never left. Well, I can't say never but that's jumping ahead a bit.
I don't know how many of you have had a headache or a migraine but they aren't fun. Two months after my headache started my younger sister got married. I wasn't living at home at this time so the wedding was the first time most of my family and friends saw me since the pain started.
I was walking real slow. I had lost some weight. And I just acted like I was dying. I remember praying that I wouldn't have a headache during the wedding. God blessed me with a wonderful day of not feeling too bad but the following day was that much worse. I cried I was in so much pain (which only makes the pain worse). I know that some people were scared by just seeing me walk.
It felt like I had a disease with no name. A death sentence that no one could figure out. But let me back up just slightly.
Of course when this headache started I never expected it would still be around 9 years later. It took a few weeks before I decided I needed to see doctors. Once I started I kept going to doctors for the next two years. I had a CT scan, a MRI, a EEG, blood work, x-rays, everything you can imagine. Since we weren't finding answers it led to more and more areas needing testing (like my ovaries, digestive system, jaw and eyesight). Still no answers.
I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They found nothing and did nothing. I went to the best hospital in my state. They found nothing. They tried SEVERAL different pain killers. Some made me sleep, some made me sick, some made me feel drunk.
The thing was that I wanted two things. 1. I wanted to know what the cause of my headache was and not just numb it with medicine. 2. I wanted to be able to function and although these pain killers dulled the pain, I couldn't function with the side effects.
At that hospital I tried a pain killer that they shot directly into my blood stream via IV. I was in the hospital for 4 days and they gave it to me every few hours. This medicine made me so sick that I was throwing up blood. They gave me two anti-nausea medicines before the pain killer but it didn't help. My mom was with me and I remember crying to her saying "It's not worth it. I can live with a headache. Get me out of here!" I'm sure it was just as hard on her.
At the end of the four days, I was headache free. Yay! But I had lost so much weight and energy that I still didn't feel well. I was in college at this time and went back to school real weak and slow. People would say "you have life in your eyes!" which was great but I felt drained. In less than 3 months, my headache was back and it truly hasn't left since.
I had good days and bad days. I learned to take full advantage of the good days because I never knew when a bad day would hit and how long it'd stick around. College work and classes were hard to stay on top of but I did it and graduated in May of 2005.
In December of that year I was in a car accident. I wasn't seriously injured but it led me to be able to go to the chiropractor regularly. My car insurance was paying for it so I wasn't having to come up with the money. It didn't help with the headaches much though.
In March, I moved back home.
Shortly after that, I went through I really bad spell. Not only did I have the constant headache but I had a constant migraine for two weeks. I lost LOTS of weight this time. I stayed in my parents' basement. If I was around light at all, I wore sunglasses.
I didn't leave the house much but I remember one particular fundraising event I went to. It was a basketball game. I walked into the gym like an old lady and with sunglasses on. My sister and mom walked with me to help me keep my balance. Several people would ask what was wrong with me or if they knew, they commented on how bad I had gotten.
There were several times I just laid in bed wishing that I'd sleep and never wake up. But then I found out that that was my mom's fear this whole time. She would come check on me to make sure I was still living. I haven't wished that since because I love my mom more than I hate the pain.
At this time I started to try some of the non-medical world. I had acupuncture, did a hair analysis, and even went to a counselor to see if it was a psychological issue. I had hopes for some of the natural health options but since insurance doesn't help with such things, the stress of money took over. The last thing I tried in this realm (other than chiropractor which I still do weekly) was going to a sleep clinic. It proved to not be helpful either.
I also got braces to move my jaw to see if it would help. It did help with my jaw pain but nothing with my headache.
Over the last 5 years I've just learned how to manage it. I know that I need a lot of sleep. I know that stress makes it worse. I know loud noises or those continuous noises make it worse. I know that if I'm having a bad headache, fluorescent lights.. like in stores and things.. are not good.
I've basically just learned to deal with it.
It's not fun to live in a world that doesn't think about headaches. I don't go to movies in the theater because it's too loud. There's certain restaurants I avoid because of the noise or lighting. I don't go into stores that have a lot of smells because that also sets it off. I go to fireworks but I wear earplugs and close my eyes often.
The biggest thing is that I never thought about how much I'd have to consider it during my wedding planning. I can't have candles because of scents and the flickering of lights. My dress couldn't have a train or be heavy or have a halter top. I can't have a veil or have my hair up.
It'd be easy to focus on the "can'ts". Believe me, somedays I do and my fiance helps me change my attitude. There's been many days I haven't wanted to get out of bed. But when it comes down to it, I still have to see God's still here.
January 1st, 2012 I got one of the worst headaches I've had in a couple years. And to be honest, the rest of this month hasn't really been much better. I feel like I've gone back a couple years. Every noise or movement bothers me. To add to it, this time around, my motion sickness is even MORE sensitive than it was before. If someone is doing a lot of moving in front of me (even if I'm sitting still) I start to feel nauseous.
Last Thursday, however, it's even something more. I keep getting these feelings of passing out. I haven't passed out but I get weak, dizzy and things go black. It doesn't last long but it's very unnerving. So after my family and fiance convinced me, I went to the doctor again. I'm getting another MRI on Saturday. I don't know if this time around I'll get answers or not.
I feel like I'm starting all over again.
I'm frustrated and discouraged. Two months ago I was telling people that I was doing great. That I was feeling the best I have in years. And now.. only two months later... I'm feeling worse than I possibly did 9 years ago. I don't think the pain is as severe but my overall health feels lower.
The real kicker is that since this is happening before I get married, I'm still on my own insurance and therefore I have to pay everything in full, out of pocket, until I reach my deductible. All my money that I've been saving for the wedding is now going to go to medical bills. BUT at least I have money saved!
That's an example of seeing God is still here. He knew in advance what was to come. He knows exactly what's going to come of this too. I can trust Him.
Another example is that a week ago, I found out that the baby I was taking care of had to move away unexpectedly. I was sad that it happened so quick. But now I see that with this passing out feeling, I wouldn't be able to care for him this week anyway.
This trial has been long and hard. And I have no idea where it's going to lead. I know that God is with me and is always in control. He's blessed me with a wonderful family. This past weekend I could hardly walk and they all were considerate of me. For Sunday dinner alone, I had three different people offer to help me get my food. I'm amazed at the family God has given me. And He timed this new trial with the week that my out-of-town sisters are here to visit. It's easier to schedule doctor visits when I have others here to help with my daycare kids and things. My younger sister has helped with the dishes, kids and other things. I'm so thankful!
I also know there's others out there with genuine concern for me and wish they could help more. I'm blessed in the midst of this trial. I know I am.
Just like I didn't know how to start writing this, I also don't know how to end it. I just felt led to share a glimpse of my story.
Maybe you are someone who's really struggling and needing to hear about someone else's pain. Maybe you are someone who needed someone new to pray for. Or maybe you know me and just needed an update.
I'm not sure.
All I know is this... This is my trial and God has been using it for 9 years.

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:1,2