I'm going to be honest and tell you right off the bat, I'm not sure what I'm going to write.
I just feel led to share what's been going on and where I'm at in life. I have been feeling so guilty that I haven't been writing to share what I'm going through. I kept waiting for a profound thought or moment, but it hasn't happened. I can't keep ignoring the thought that God wants me to write to you and share. It doesn't need to be profound. I pray that the reason for writing is to encourage others feeling the same way or going through a tough time. Life is hard but it's better when we know we aren't alone.
My last post expressed how I was feeling about not being able to have my own children. It's something that I'm still learning to accept. I also want to say that I know that with God it's still possible that someday I will have kids but in the moment, I need to quit living like it's going to happen. I hope that makes sense.
October 4th I turned 35. To me that was huge. It was the number I had put on myself expecting to be a mom or not one at all. I have cried many days since then. And I've also been diagnosed with depression.
I've seen a counselor and that helped for a while. She compared what I'm going through like a death. So we went through the grieving process. There seems to be more to it than that.
I've tried anti-depressants and they literally send me to the ER.
In November I tried the first one. It was the week of Thanksgiving. My plan was to get these in my system so that the holidays would be easier to handle. I took it in the morning. At about noon I started to not feel great and by evening, felt horrible. Thinking that it must be an illness and not the medication, I took another one the next morning. I can NOT describe to you the pain I was in. My stomach was SCREAMING at me from all different angles. I kept getting sick and sick. By that night, I ended up going to hospital. Everyone still thought that it was too quick for it to be the medication. The hospital gave me fluids from an IV (which I hate!!) and anti-nausea medication. It lessened so I went home. BUT I went back to the hospital every day for four more days. More fluids. More medication. Xrays. CT Scan. No results just total confusion on what was happening. All I knew is that I was rocking back in forth from pain.. whether sitting at home or in the waiting room at the hospital. The nurses kept saying "you look better today" but I kept thinking "is it going to end?!?"
The last day they finally tried a steroid as well. That seemed to kick it. (By the way, I did not take any more anti-depressants after the second day).
Back in 2004, I went through a treatment for my headache. It was called DHE. It was absolutely the worse experience of my life. But this November incident came pretty darn close. It is just horrendous feeling that much pain, not able to eat ANYTHING!!, and just praying the end is near!
I missed a whole week of work. I missed Thanksgiving. And I missed Black Friday shopping with my sisters and Mom.
It was so bad that throughout the next week people would still ask me how I was doing. (Gotta love small towns!) I had lost a lot of weight and still felt really weak.
It seemed to help with my perspective though. My depression seemed a little less. But if any of you have ever had real depression, you know that good days don't last long. It's a chemical imbalance inside and it's hard to control.
In 2001, I thought I was depressed. I would cry all the time for no reason. I was easily angered and didn't get much joy out of life. That is the year I quit college and moved home. Once I got home, I still struggled some but put my focus towards other things. For example, I helped start a youth group at my home church. I felt better and better.
I may have been fighting depression back then but it's nothing like I am now. This is much deeper and a lot less controllable. So it didn't take long for my perspective to be messed up again.
My stomach still didn't like certain foods all through December. After a couple months had gone by, we decided to try a different anti-depressant. I took it at 10:00 in the morning. By 11, I was nauseous. And at 1 in the morning, I was back at the ER. This time we at least knew it had to be the anti-depressants. I felt the exact same as I had in November. It was horrible and all the more frustrating.
With depression you feel like there's no escape. I'm in a room with no windows or doors. I know there's something wrong with me but can't get a grasp on it. I explode. I cry. I break down. I have guilt. I have anger. It's so HARD!!!
We asked for the steroid right away and he gave me a bigger dose of anti-nausea stuff. I ended up back at hospital the next day again.. more fluids and more meds. But then that was it. We had hit it strong enough that it was over quicker.
I still avoid certain foods and eating too late in the evening. I don't have my appetite back yet which isn't necessarily a bad thing. :) I really have to be aware of what and when I'm eating. So not only am I trying to control my emotions but I have to constantly think about my stomach as well.
I feel very lost and confused.
To add to the depression, headache and stomach issues, my day care income has dropped. It's put a BIG strain on our finances. It wasn't so bad at first but as months wore on and medical bills came, it became a HUGE problem. (Still trusting God for a miracle of provision)
My husband sees light at the end of the tunnel and all I see is darkness.
It's hard when people can see right through me. At church I say "I'm okay" and every single time the reply is "you're lying". I'm not okay. I know that.
One day care parent said "You're sad. I can tell in your texts. Your eyes are even sad."
There are very few days that I feel myself. My old self. The one that'll get up and dance.
If I'm up dancing now, it's strictly for the kids' sake. I do my very best to keep everything pushed down while I'm working.
I try to focus my attention on my job and the kids in my life. I think about how I'm a step-mom and what my role is there. I know I'm a wife and have been trying out lots of new recipes for supper ideas. I think about the impact I have on my daycare kids.
I AM trying. It's just not strong enough.
I try to come up with a new passion like I had in 2001. But everything that comes to mind either needs our house project done (still living in limbo) or needs more money. I keep praying God will show me how He's wanting to use me in the now.
There's days that aren't too bad. I get through them. Then there's days that are just awful. Everything builds up and I explode.
I told my husband that I'm constantly full. So it only takes one thing (and I never know which thing and why), to make me completely overflow.
God is here. I know.
God will not give me more than I can handle (with HIS strength!!!).
God loves me and wants the best for me.
I KNOW all that. Believe me. I do. My faith is not shaken and I'm not turning my back on Him.
I just feel lost and alone.
Like I said in the beginning of this post... I don't know why I'm writing. I don't have anything profound to share. I don't have any answers or big lessons learned (yet).
So I guess I'm just writing so that if you or someone you know is also struggling with depression, know that you are not alone!! It's so hard!!
Only God is getting me up in the morning. Only God gets me through each day.
I'm sure my husband is right in that there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure that someday I'll be passed this or will find a way to get my chemicals in order again. It takes prayer and time.
People consistently tell me I'm strong because of all that I've handled in life. I honestly feel like a failure right now because currently, I'm not handling life. I don't typically ask for help from others. I deal with whatever is happening and focus on giving to others.
I can't do this alone. I need God but I also need you.
Will you please pray for me? I'll pray for you.
