This Season

Did any of you accept my challenge in my last post? (1000 things to be thankful for)

It was hard, wasn't it? I'll admit that I only got to about 200. But I learned something in the process.
Actually.. I learned a couple things.

1. There are so many things in my life that I take for granted. Breathing is one.
Another one is heat. I've been reading a lot of novels set in the 1800s. Think about their winters and how they couldn't just come in from the cold and feel a warm house, they had to start a fire and wait for it to get them warm.
Our new van has heated seats. I can't wait to get that thing warm! How much do I appreciate it?
Those people traveled in wagons or walked. Sometimes it was easier in a sleigh because of the runners but so much colder because they were in the wind more.
One book talked about how they used dried cow pies as fuel in the fire. Can you imagine going out and gathering dried cow pies? Ugh!!
I hate the cold and I'm not fond of winter so I am really thankful for heat!!

There's so many more things that I take for granted and writing them down and focusing on all of our blessings helped put a lot of things into perspective.

2. The other thing I learned that really sticks out to me is how it was hard to write what I'm thankful for about some people. Sounds horrible, right? There's a lot of people I'm thankful for but why? Is it just because they're a day care parent, for example, or is there something special about them?
No, I didn't just list every single person I've ever met in my life and tried to be thankful for them but there's certain people that are a big part of my life that I enjoyed trying to find something worthwhile. Although I'll admit it was the case for some, it wasn't always because the person might get on my nerves more often than not. For some I felt like I take their presence for granted.
For example, my uncle Ron. I love him and would be devastated if he passed away but what specifically am I thankful for with him? For other people certain things stick out like their generosity, sense of humor, strength in trials, their faith, etc. For Ron, nothing big stuck out, he's not a dominate personality.. especially when all of us are together. He's the most quiet! But I AM thankful for him in my life. Just because he's married to my aunt? No. That's not it.
So why? What am I thankful for?
I'm thankful that he genuinely cares, that if I sit down in the room where he's reading, he'll set his book down and talk. I'm thankful that he's easy to talk to. I'm thankful that he adds a different sense of humor to our group. :)
That was just an example of REALLY thinking about people in my life and what I appreciate about them. It was good for me.

Now we're fully into the Christmas season.

This time of year is hard for me. I always loved it as a kid and even young adulthood. It wasn't the presents as much as getting together with family. Really, that is what I loved (and still do).
When I think about Christmases years ago that is the first thing that comes to mind. Both sets of grandparents, great-aunt and great-uncle, aunt and uncle, parents, and sisters gathering around the dining room table enjoying Christmas dinner together. On the Cannon side, we were the only kids but we enjoyed the adults. Too many of those people have passed away now.
On the Stowell side, we had six cousins. It was also a fun day to spend with them on the Saturday before Christmas.
After Thanksgiving, we'd decorate the Christmas tree as a family. We'd have music playing and for the most part our own ornaments to put on. Then we'd put other decorations around the house. At the end, we'd sit and have hot chocolate.
Another tradition of ours was to get together with another family and go drive around looking at Christmas lights. We'd ooh and ahh over the different looks on houses. There was one house where we'd actually stop and roll down the window to hear soft Christmas music playing.

Some of that I still enjoy like Christmas songs, Christmas movies and Christmas baking. We still get together with as much family as possible and my husband and I drove around last night looking at lights.
Some people have passed on but obviously our family has grown as well. The general things we like to do are still done. So why has my feelings toward the holiday changed?

I've been really pondering that this year.

I honestly don't think I've handled the transition from "child" to "adult" very well... as far as Christmas planning. The whole season stresses me out. Things that I enjoyed before stress me out now.
Buying gifts, decorating the tree, going to Grandma's, wrapping gifts, etc all stress me out now and I have to TRY to enjoy them. I know that part of that is the fact that I have more responsibility with all of those things. I have to be the one that plans out when to do all the things that need to get done.
My grandma's Christmas just stresses me because my grandma is going downhill. I don't want to go into detail on here but I have a very real fear that this will be the last Christmas with her.. if not physically, probably mentally. I could be wrong but that's my fear and how I'm treating this Christmas with her.

Another thing I've noticed about myself is that although I've learned to manage my headache, I've seemed to go backwards on handling stress. Part of that is my health. More and more of my health problems become worse with stress and that alone stresses me out!
Last Christmas season I was a scrooge and it really bothered me that I was. This Christmas season I've been more focused on staying calm and trying to get things done in advance. I've had Christmas shopping done for a month now! And they're all wrapped!

Over the past year though, I've had new symptoms to deal with and I've noticed that I'm getting more and more emotional. I can honestly say I'm worn out on fighting pain and feel tired all the time. I feel like any energy I expend is forced and I feel even more tired after the fact. So even though I'm ahead of the game in so many ways, I'm still struggling with keeping the stress down. I'm not a grinch, I don't think, but definitely emotional.

In the last few weeks I've heard more than once someone say "I don't want this to make your health worse" or "You need to NOT do that because of your health". And it doesn't come from just the same person or even the same two people. That alone makes me tear up. My health right now IS controlling my life. Every day I make decisions based on my health.
I used to push through a lot of it but I physically am not able to anymore.

Over Thanksgiving I did push myself. As I mentioned in my last post, I love Black Friday shopping with my sisters and Mom. I loved that all my sisters were able to come this year! But I spent so much of that day fighting pain; pushing myself to keep going. There was one point that I sat on the floor in Family Christian Store wanting to curl up and just cry.
Since I was a scrooge last year, I tried to not let it affect how I treated the others. I tried to stay calm and have patience. All three of my sisters aren't as decisive as me and if I'm not feeling well or really tired, I end up getting frustrated with them. This year I didn't! (at least I don't feel like I did. I hope they agree!)

This year is especially trying. We have the "regular" Christmas stuff, plus my health, plus my Grandma, plus future decisions we need to make.

I don't want to be a grinch and want only happy memories when January comes.

I'm mindful of my stress level and health.
Then we add my Grandma to the mix. I KNOW that what's going on with her affects my health directly because I hate seeing her like this. I hate the situations that come up with her because I love her so much. People around town may ask me about her and I want to just cry. It's hard. Very hard.

My husband and I also have some big things on our minds and hearts. We're trying to make decisions about houses and jobs. It wears on us. We pray and there doesn't seem to be any real peace or doors open. So we wait. We research and look and then wait some more. Please pray for us.

Actually, now that I think of it. I'm probably handling this season fairly well (all things considering). I'm not bursting with happiness and the "Christmas spirit" like when I was younger but I'm also not angry or grumpy like I have been the last couple of years.
I love to hang out with my family and be around them as much as possible even if I come home and cry from exhaustion.

Again, there's so much to be thankful for. There's so much to focus on this time of year besides our own sorrow and stress.

God sent His Son to this earth. He came from all the heavenly glory to be a baby. Not in a palace or a mansion but to be raised as a carpenter's son. He wasn't treated kindly here for the most part.

He was born once so that we can be born again!

What does that mean?
We all have a physical birth. We also all need to have a spiritual birth. We need to accept Christ as our personal Savior. We need to see that He was born to die for us. He took all of our sins (past, present and future) and died. It's His gift to us. Just as we accept gifts from others, we need to accept this gift as well. I can't imagine a better gift or one that shows nearly as much love!
It's not just a "yes I believe He did that." But it needs to be personal.
There was something that struck me a few months ago. Someone mentioned how Jesus took God's wrath so that we didn't have to. It made me think of my dad. When my dad yelled at one of my sisters, there was nothing that you could do that would make me say "yell at me instead!". But that's what Jesus did. He took the punishment that was ours. Personally.
He took my personal punishment upon Himself and died!
Christmas season really brings us to the cross. His birth is amazing and miraculous and oh so humbling! But He only needed to be born so that He could die. Wow!

Enjoy this season. No matter what is going on in your life. No matter the troubles that face you or pain the season can cause. There is so much joy and comfort in the fact that He came to Earth for us.
Make sure that you also don't get so caught up in the presents and parties that you forget Jesus.

HE's the ONLY reason for the season.

Challenge Accepted

Thanksgiving.

It is probably one of the most overlooked holidays. 

Think about it.. Halloween, Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day probably get more attention and commercializing than Thanksgiving. And those aren't even Federal Holidays! Kids don't get out of school for those days!

So what is the deal with Thanksgiving? 

I don't want it to get commercialized, don't get me wrong. I just want us to consider it a little more and not think of it as the day before Black Friday.

We do shop Black Friday. I'll be honest. 

We did it at as a family back when we were kids. That was before it became the bigger deal that it is today. It is creeping into actual Thanksgiving Day and I'll admit that bothers me. We still shop but we go at a "normal" time on Friday. Yes, we miss some of the deals but that's not what it's about for us.

But let's get back to Thanksgiving...

Garfield says that Thanksgiving is the holiday where we get together because we have food to then stuff ourselves with too much food. haha.

That's right in a sense. We do have Thanksgiving because we were thankful for the bountiful harvest and we celebrate it for the most part by getting together with family and having a feast. 

I'm thankful that we do at least get together with family.

But can we do more to acknowledge the holiday than just eat and watch football and then, of course, shop the next day?

My oldest day care kid came in from school one day and said, "Amanda, you can't believe what we have to do!" 

I was intrigued.

They have to write out 1000 things they are thankful for. 

ONE THOUSAND!

That's a lot!

She then asked, "Could you do it?"

Challenge Accepted!

I told her that I would start by writing out specific names rather than just saying "I'm thankful for my family."

I don't think that's cheating. I think we do need to be thankful for specifics. And with it, I'm going to write WHY I'm thankful for that particular person or item. 

Let's keep in mind whom we are thanking. You don't say thank you to nobody. We're thanking God for all He has done and given us. We're thanking Him for how He's provided for our needs.

When I used to be on Facebook, people would write one thing they're thankful for each day in November. I think that's wonderful but that's only 30 things.

Can you do 1000?

That's about 33 things a day for the month of November and we're already 11 days into it!

Can you do it? Is there 1000 things? 

I'm not going to take this lightly. I'm really going to think on all of my blessings. 

I challenge you to join me in this! BE THANKFUL!!

Challenge Accepted?

I Have a Dream

I have a dream.

As most of you know, I long to be a mother. A mother not just to my step-sons but to my very own children. I would love it if it were twins. I've always wanted twins. But let's not even focus on that point. Let's just think about how I'd love to be a mother.

Yes, when my step-sons are here. I am a mother but it's a different kind. Both of them still have their mothers in their lives so I'll always be behind her (as it should be).
I may say "What kind of birthday cake do you want me to make?" I can get the answer "My mom is making a fireman one." I take a deep breath and say "Okay... what would you like me to make?"
Or I may say "I got a new movie that I think you'll like. Should we watch it tonight?" The answer I might get is "Oh, I saw that with my mom. It's good. Yeah, let's watch it."

Both of those scenarios are real. And I know that both boys did not do it on purpose because honestly, they probably don't even know what it does inside of me. AND in both cases, we did end up doing what I'd like to.. I made a fireman cake and we watched the movie.. I just had to go through remembering that I am not their "first" mom first.

Don't get me wrong. I love both of my boys. We have so much fun together and my relationship with each of them has grown so much. If God doesn't have plans for us to have children, I'll be very content helping raise these two.


So what's my point? Where am I going?


I had an analogy pop into my head the other day that I'd like to share.

There's a toy that we got for Christmas one year. We weren't really kids anymore but my mom tended to put fun things in our stockings until the grandkids were born. This one particular toy was a Water Wiggler Toy.
It's hard to describe when you can't see my hand gestures (haha) so here's a link for them.
http://www.partypalooza.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=WaterWiggler
It's a toy with water in them and you can't hang onto them very well. In fact here's the description from that website "Just try to keep these things in your hand! They wiggle and slither - terrific fun for all ages! "

Picture this toy as YOUR dream. Think of something you've always wanted or have dreamt about. This isn't just an analogy for me but for all of us.

If you have the toy vertical in your hands and you're trying to squeeze it, it'll just keep falling through your hands. You'll drop it. There is NO way to squeeze onto the toy so that it won't fall. 
Your dream is the same way. The harder we squeeze to hang onto it. The more likely our dream will fall to our feet. We can't hang onto it so tightly.

Now let's make the toy lie horizontal across both palms. Okay... we steady it, we don't move... Yes! We got it to stay put. The water is settled and not sloshing back and forth! Uh oh... I'm hungry. How do I eat and not drop this toy? How can I do anything without putting the toy down?
Alright, we have our dream lying carefully in our hands. We aren't squeezing it as we know that it's fragile. But where's our focus? Our focus is on keeping that dream in OUR hands. We want to keep it in our lives. And with balancing it there, we aren't able to do anything else. God wants us serving and we can't do that if we're holding onto our dream.

What's next? What's the solution? 
We have to give the dream to God. We have to pray and say, "God, this is my dream. This is what I desire. You know my heart and thoughts. I give my dream to You. Can you hang onto it for me? I'll serve You with my hands free. I'll do as You ask. And when the time comes that You can give me my dream, I'll be ready without having wasted time. If you chose not to give it back, please help me with that as well."
Give the toy to God. 

We HAVE to let Him be in charge. So many of us have the head knowledge that God does what is best for us. But a lot of us have a hard time taking it to heart. 
The last part of the prayer is the hardest, I think. When we give God our "toy" we need to not look over our shoulder to see if He's put it on the shelf or if He still has it in His hand as if our dream will come true soon.
Maybe He'll even put it in a trunk, never to come out.

We don't know. The point is that we can't be worried about will my dream come true? Has He closed the door? Is He saying yes, no or maybe?

Our focus needs to be on serving Him now. In the way He has for us now. We have to TRUST Him with our dreams.

God does know our hearts. God does what is the best for us. He's not there keeping our dreams away from us on purpose. 

It's hard. I KNOW it's hard to live life not wondering about if our dreams will come true.
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 34. (gulp)
It hit me that if I'm not pregnant by January/February, I'll be over 35 when I have a kid... IF I have a kid. That was hard for me to swallow. 
Then I remembered my analogy. It's not in my hands. My hands are busy doing other things for Him. 

Earlier in this post I said "If God doesn't have plans for us to have children, I'll be very content helping raise these two." Does that sound like I have the right attitude? Some may say yes and others may see where I'm going.
That sentence is saying that IF I find out that God won't allow children, THEN I'll be content.
I need to be content now. I need to be okay with the fact that I'm not a mother to my own children right now.
It's hard. I'm not saying it's easy. But it's the right thing to do.
I don't think God is a vindictive God. But maybe He's waiting for us to get some things done first. Maybe there is some way to serve Him now that won't be possible or as easy once a dream comes true. We don't know.

Here's the next thing.
What if God closes that door for your dream completely?
I'm not there yet. If you've read my other posts, you've seen that I've seen the door shutting but it's not latched yet.
I've seen very bitter people because they're still squeezing their dream and God's saying no. If you think you're one of those, I ask you to open yourself up to other possibilities. In Sound of Music the mother of the Abbey says "When God closes a door, He opens a window." (I'm horrible at quoting movies, so that's a paraphrase.)
God wants all of us serving Him in some way. Sometimes that can be a lower scale of your dream. For example, I want kids, I serve in the Sunday School and used to be in charge of the nursery.
But there's a possibility that God wants you to do something completely different. Don't force your dream into a "I'm serving Him" unless it 100% feels like He's guiding You. I've seen people say "this is my gift so this is how I'll serve Him." They don't look around to see what areas need help. Or where they possibly can serve Him better.

All of that gets very complicated and it'd be easier to describe if I knew all of your dreams and how you're dealing with them.

I just ask you to analyze yourself. Analyze your heart and mind. Are you hanging onto your dream tightly? Are you balancing it in your hands, living life around holding onto your dream? Or have you given it to God? And again, not just given it to Him but purposely not looking over your shoulder either.

This is DAILY. It's so hard to keep it right all the time. So don't get discouraged. Just pick yourself up again and give it back to Him.

I have a dream.... but God's in control of it.

Life is an Adventure

Last week was one crazy week!

First let me tell you how my doctor appointment went.
I do not have any of the big diseases!!! YAY!!
He did do a lot more blood work just to confirm that it's not something else that we're all missing. I should hear back about those this week.
He thinks my chest pain is the cartilage between my ribs.

Here's the theory...

I hurt myself or something and I started to have this pain. With that I took a lot of medications and ended up bothering my stomach. My stomach issues, then, caused all my breathing problems.
Right now (for a month) I'm on a prescription anti-inflammatory and two different stomach meds.
We'll see where I'm at in a month.

I still have good days and bad days. There's a lot of things running through my mind but I'm waiting to see what happens. There's no sense in playing the "what if" game when I can't change anything anyway. My husband and I have plans on what we'll do next for different scenarios and I need to just leave it at that. :)

We're thankful that I don't have any of the debilitating diseases that I was facing and taking each day as it comes.


Can I tell you about the other events of the week?

1. Last week it was so hot here that school got out early. This is a bigger deal this year. The kids I had during the day last fall are now in Preschool all day. I have 8 to 12 school kids that come after school! The kids came two hours early Monday-Thursday and then FOUR hours early on Friday. Doing this always throws off my schedule (obviously). I feel like there's no routine and it makes for a long week. The extra hours on Friday meant I also needed to feed them lunch. HA!
I'll admit though that I'm thankful for the extra money during a month where bills are extra tight!

2. You know about how my dog had surgery.
He was pretty sad with the cone on. It took him a while to get used to it. He would just lay on the couch. He didn't even wag his tail. He wouldn't eat and sometimes he'd bleed a little so we had blankets and towels down.
The day care kids thought he was pretty sad, too and they all felt sorry for him.
It was pretty hard for me to watch but last Wednesday he was finally able to take off the cone and start acting normal again. Yay!
I'm thankful that we didn't have to make any decisions about how much money we were willing to put into our dog.

3. Nate and I had bought a new bed for our 5 year old. We picked it up on Tuesday after my appointment and started putting it together. One piece was missing! FRUSTRATING! 
Nate called and was told that the earliest we could get it was Thursday. 
We live an hour away so that could be an 'event' in itself but it keeps going... 

As he was driving home after getting the missing piece, traffic was slowing down because a guy was walking on the interstate. He was stopping cars and hitting their windows. Nate had seen traffic stopping on the other side of the road as well. Thinking the guy needed help, he rolled down his window and asked. The guy grabbed Nate and said "get out of the car!" Nate said no and if he needed help, he'd help him. The guy didn't give up. He kept saying "Get out of the car!" He grabbed Nate's arm, shirt, etc. Nate isn't a small guy and I'm amazed that this guy thought he could pull him out the window. I don't like to think about how big the guy might have been. Nate says they were about the same size. 

With his other hand, the guy was trying to find the button that unlocks the doors. When the guy decided to reach for the gear shift, he exposed his chin and Nate punched him right in the jaw!!!

The guy crumbled and was knocked out for a few seconds. He went to the ground and laid in the median. Nate drove off with just a small cut on his hand. 

Come to find out that he and his girlfriend had stolen a car in the city. They wrecked it and then stole another. Oddly enough that person was also from our small town. The girlfriend had pulled her out of her van. Then they wrecked the van near the place Nate was at that moment. So they were trying to get a new vehicle.

Nate called me and I told him he'd better call our friend that's a State Patrolman. So he did. Our friend said that Nate did what he needed to and shouldn't worry about anything else. He was off duty then but planned to find out what he could the next day. 

He called Nate on Friday and said that they caught the girl but didn't even know a guy was involved until he told them Nate's story. (He must have heard the sirens and ran.)

Nate was still shaking when he got home.

I just can't believe it happened. It seems surreal to me. 

Both of the people had blue stuff coming out of their mouths so they were hopped up on something. They were willing to do anything evidently because here's how the girl was caught... She had reached in a window that was just cracked open at the top. That car was dragging her along the interstate. They weren't letting her steal their car either! 

Nate and that other driver did what they needed to to stop the situation. I still get goosebumps.

I'm VERY thankful that neither of these people had guns or knives on them. I'm thankful that we weren't with Nate and that the other girl's kids weren't with her as well.

All the other "events" of the week seem EXTREMELY minor in light of that one but still...  

4. To top off the week.. 

Saturday night the boys were in bed. Our dog was down with our oldest and Nate and I were in our room. 

Then CRASH!

We ran to the kitchen to find that the shade over our ceiling lights had fell and broken to pieces on the floor. We have no idea how this happened or why it happened.

We're just thankful that no one was in the kitchen at the time. I'm also thankful that we were home at the time. After Thursday's event, I would have been even more on edge thinking someone had been in our house while we were gone if I saw broken glass upon entering! Not to mention that our dog could have walked through it and things. 

Life is an adventure, that's for sure!! 

We work on being thankful in every situation.

If you're ever bored, feel free to come visit us!! We never seem to have a dull moment! :)

Sorry for the silence

I received a card on Monday from an unexpected source. It was very encouraging and got me to thinking about something.

So often when I'm waiting for the next step of my doctoring or when I've heard some scary possibilities, I keep it to myself until I know the answers. My reasoning is that I don't want all of you scared for me. But as I read this card from a long distance relative, I realized instead that a lot of you are praying for me. A lot of you care and want to be with me on my journey.

A month ago I told you that I was having a stomach scope done. The procedure went well. The doctor said that he didn't see anything major going on but thinks my esophagus spasms. He put me on medicine for that.
I went back to my regular doctor to find out his thoughts after seeing all these specialists. He was pleased with most of what I found out and what medicine I was on. He didn't like the fact that I've been more nauseous lately and one more thing..

As he was looking through all that the other people did, he saw the blood work results. One of them was a positive result. He put his head down and shook it. He said "you're going to hate me."
This doctor genuinely cares. I can tell that he really just wants me to feel better.
He told me about the positive test and what the possibilities were. It could be nothing! BUT it could be something pretty big, too.

I don't want to tell you the options for a couple reasons.. 1. I really don't want you all to worry. 2. I honestly don't like hearing about diseases. I never look them up on the internet or anything. My own thoughts are hard enough to deal with, I'm afraid one of you possibly will say something I hadn't thought of and get me more worried. I know that none of you would do that on purpose but from experience, I know how sometimes we as people try to encourage and say things that cause another to worry. :)

None of the diseases are fatal so that should bring us all comfort.

My doctor said that he wants it to be nothing and he's tempted to ignore it but the possibilities of what it could be are too big to wait. IF I have one of those things, I need to know about it now.
Again, it could be nothing.

I see a rheumatologist next Tuesday.

Can I be honest with you?

I am struggling.

It was a month ago that I heard all this news. The doctor told me to enjoy my vacation and not worry. I actually did pretty well! Sure I didn't feel well most days (one day especially was horrible) but overall I did really have fun on vacation and wasn't worried about the future.

Now that I'm home, it's a different story. I'm just waiting for that appointment and so my mind wanders.
School started this week so with fewer kids, I have even more time for things to run through my mind.

Yesterday was really tough for some reason. I had only one daycare kid so it was very quiet around here. And since she's new, she doesn't really like it when I go to clean something or I'm away from her. To add to it, my dog had surgery. If you don't have a pet, you won't understand why that affects anything. But some of you will understand how that can also be an emotional time.
(He has cancer. They removed the spot without problem (although it was iffy at first). And I heard he's doing well. I'll get him back this afternoon)

I'm going to admit to you my biggest fear. I know that fear is lack of faith and I keep reminding myself that God is in control and His will is best.

My biggest fear is not that I may have a disease. It's that I'll hear these words "with this disease and your age, you should not have children. Your body couldn't handle it."

I keep telling myself to not worry about it. But it's so hard when I sit and watch daycare kids and think about what my kids would look like. Or when I'm around my best friend's son (he's at my favorite age), his personality is just coming out and I love it! I wonder what personality my kids would have.

It makes it harder when I think about that this is something in my blood. It's different when they think it could be something because of my symptoms. This time something is really there to check out.

I can't think about it. Like I said, God is in control and His way is best. If He doesn't want me to have my own children, He will help me to be okay with that. He'll help me turn my focus completely on helping raise all these other children in my life.

Today is better than yesterday. ;)

Overall, I'm feeling okay. I still get short of breath but the constant pressure is gone. The two medications I'm on have to be taken before I eat and I find it really hard to remember before every meal. The sharp pain still comes but not as often. I'm learning how to manage it. I'm thankful for that.
My energy level is still really low and I get nausea fairly often.

I'm praying for answers. I'm praying that someday I'll know what it feels like to have no pain. I'm praying that once again I'll be able to play with my step-sons outside.

My 5 year old step-son brought me up for prayer in Sunday school. I was pretty bad this last Sunday.
Not only did he want me better that day but said "I want her to not have any pain next time I come." That's Labor Day weekend.

All things are possible with God.



Thanks again for your prayers and being on this journey with me. I know that so many of you have concerns and also want me to know what it feels like to be pain-free.
I think a lot of you see my blog through my sister on Facebook. (Thanks Laura!)
Feel free to check directly with this website (you can become a follower). You can also feel free to repost it, as my sister does.
If you'd like me to email you when I do post, let me know. My email for this blog is delightinlord@hotmail.com.
I'm sorry I'm not more regular with it.
My next appointment is Tuesday and then I see my regular guy again on Thursday. I'll probably wait until after both of those before updating you.
PLEASE let me know if you want to know things directly.

Keeping Moving Forward

If you've read any of my last posts, you know that I'm dealing with new pain and                            more not feeling well.

Naturally as I go doctor to doctor, I compare it with my experience going to doctors                        with my headache.

Some of it is the same...

     About every other doctor has an attitude problem and no bed-side manner

     I have to answer the same questions over and over... and over!

     They want to put me on medications

     Some doctors disagree with what others have already told me to do.

     Sometimes I feel like they think I imagine my pain

     Every doctor wants me to fill out more forms no matter what records are being sent

  I'm sure there's more if I spent more time thinking about it.

But this time there have been two things very different.

 1. I'm getting into the specialists VERY fast!

 2. The door to a solution has closed yet!

Let me expound on those two points.

My last post pointed out that I was waiting to hear from the Pulmonologist. I knew I had an appointment on August 14th but I was praying I could get in sooner by someone canceling.

Well... last Tuesday I got a call that someone canceled and I could go on Wednesday if I was willing. The deal was that the breathing tests were several hours before I could see the doctor.

Of course I was willing!!!

My mom and I made a day of it.

First thing I had to do was breathing tests and get an x-ray. The breathing tests took almost an hour and were a trial in themselves. But I made it through.

We had three hours before seeing the doctor so we did some shopping and ate lunch.

The tests proved that I don't have asthma and the pulmonologist doesn't think it has to do with my lungs. So she wanted me to see a GI (gastrointestinal) specialist.

*sigh*

We were told it'd be a couple of weeks. 

Again, I was praying I could get in before vacation.

The next day (Thursday) I talk to the office and they can get me in on Friday!

If you've never dealt with specialists much, I can tell you that this is just unimaginable!!!

So off I was again to another specialist.

The encouragement was that the pulmonologist wasn't just passing me on because she didn't know what it was but because she thinks it has to do with my esophagus. 

So the door wasn't closed on me.. it just led to a hallway. :)

The GI specialist spent quite a bit of time with me. She asked me a lot of questions and determined that I should do a stomach scope.

Again, I was praying I could get in before vacation.

The scheduler came in and said "July 29th". 

"Nope, won't work. I'm on vacation..... Is there ANY way I can get in next week?"

"I don't think so. I just filled the last spot open."

Me praying... "Please, Lord, open one up!"

"Oh! Here's one on Thursday but you have to check in at 6:00AM. Do you drive far?"

"Yes, I'm an hour away but I'll take it because it's better than after vacation."

"Well.. let me check one more thing."

Me praying... "Please, Lord, I'm willing to get up at 4 to do this but you know my body and how that affects me....."

"Oh wow! Here's one for check in at 1:00PM. I don't know how I missed that."

"I'll take it!" "THANK YOU, LORD!!!"

It was truly amazing!

For the procedure, I have to be put to sleep so my husband will go in with me and I, again, have to take the day off of work. 

They'll go in through my mouth and go down. If my esophagus needs stretched, they'll do it. If it's an ulcer, they'll fix it. If they see things for biopsy, they'll do it then.

I'm praying they find something (because I WANT an answer for all this!) and that it's something they can fix while inside.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if I wake up feeling like my old self?

I expressed this to my "mother-hen" day care girl. 

She's one that just last week said "I wish you could exercise and dance with us again. I wish you were fun again." It made me tear up!

So when I told her that I COULD (not definite) feel better next week, she said, "We could dance to Footloose again!!"  

I pray that it's true!

I'm honestly not too worked up about the procedure itself but instead, all the rules I have to follow now. There's medications (like ibuprofen.. my best friend) that I'm not supposed to take at all. There's other ones too. Then on Thursday I can't eat after 7:00AM. 

I'm already losing sleep in anticipation for this. I know, I need to give it to God.

We have a busy weekend but I'll try to update you after the scope as soon as I'm able.

The other thing I've found out is that both specialists think the pain in my chest is a different problem. They don't think it's related to the not breathing.

They differ, however, on what they think it is. One thinks it's arthritis. The other says it's probably muscle related or a cystic breast. She wants me to go to a gynecologist to check it out.

I'm thinking along the lines of the muscle thing so I'm just making an appointment with a regular doctor. If they want me to get a mammogram, they can still set it up but if it's not, they can still treat me as they see fit. 

I know a lot of you out there are thinking and praying for me. Keep it up! 

We appreciate it very much!!

One Step at a Time

I don't have a lot to share at this point but I wanted to update you.

Yesterday was my much anticipated Dr. appointment.
It went pretty well. My husband and I really liked the guy and feel like he's going to pursue things until we figure out the problem.
The Dr. took more blood for a couple more tests. The one he took for blood clots came back negative so that's good. The other test is for something called Farmers' Lungs. I won't get those results for a week or so.
He also wants to send me to a specialist. He thinks it's crazy that I'm "young and healthy" and yet have this very obvious problem.
There were other tests he thought about doing but wants to wait to see what the specialist does.

When I was talking to him, he was thinking I'd get in to the specialist in the next week or two.
As I was driving home, the specialist's office called my house and left a message with my mom. I can't get in until August 14th!!

I called the specialist and they put me on the cancellation list. That means if someone cancels, they'll call me but I live an hour away. I basically need to be ready to go if they call.
I, then, called my Dr back and told him.

Today my Dr. called and said that he talked to the specialist office and they're hoping that I can get in next week. He said that if I don't hear from them by Wednesday, I'm to call him back and he'll call them.
It's so nice to have a doctor working for me!!

We're praying I can get in next week!
Trying to function on this 'stand-by' mode is difficult, especially with my job, but we want to get this figured out!

We're planning on going on vacation at the end of the month. I really want to be working on the solution before then. If I go as I am, I'll be worn out and tired for most of the trip. I'll also probably be in more pain as I'll have to be more active.
The inhaler is helping the cough but not stopping the pain and pressure. The Dr. told me to keep doing it.

Our other prayer is finances. We know that God always has and always will provide as far as finances. We pray about it constantly still asking Him for His continued provision.
It's hard having test after test knowing that each one rules out something but also costs so much. I also have to miss work for appointments or not feeling well. I miss work; I don't get paid.
We also have our younger son's birthday this month and our vacation planned.

God will provide somehow. We know that.
We pray for His guidance, wisdom and comfort.

I also wanted to share with you that I did ask about some specific things I have heard from others. He doesn't think it could be Lyme disease, anxiety or really allergy. We explored the allergy option a little but he's just not thinking it's the answer. Hopefully we'll know more after I see the specialist.

God has all the timing of every appointment, treatment and even our vacation in His hands.
Even when I can only see what's going on right now, He sees the future.

I'm thankful that I can leave all my worries and concerns with Him.
He always does what's best for us even when we can't figure it out.

Thanks for praying for me and please, continue to do so. :)

Stumped them again...

I don't know what it is about my body that makes me feel symptoms, pain or what have you and yet nothing is wrong.

If you haven't read my last post "Living with Pain", please read that first.

I'm going to start where I left off. By Friday evening, I was pretty tired and worn out. As a family, we just stayed home, watched a movie and I went to bed early.

Saturday I didn't feel right. My stomach was hurting. I felt weak and in need of food but also felt like if I ate, I'd get sick. I took my morning pretty slow. It was hard because I knew that my step-son was heading to camp the next day and I needed to help him get ready.
My husband did the laundry and I was able to go to the store.
I was feeling better but never felt great.
I'm so used to putting my mind to something and getting it done. I work fast and efficient.
Not lately though.
I have to sit often. I just stop and focus on breathing.
Saturday evening I went and sat on my bed. My husband and step-son came back as well and we were just chatting.
Something caused me to go into a huge coughing fit and I ended up getting sick. When I returned to my room, my step-son said, "I can't wait until July 1st."
He's a teenager so typically he's talking about something for himself. :)
This time he was talking about my doctor's appointment.
He said, "I was thinking this morning about what if some day you woke up with no pain. Wouldn't that be cool? I bet our lives would be a lot more exciting and we could do a lot more stuff!"
If it didn't hurt to cry, I would have.
I feel bad that he feels that way and yet it was nice to hear that he thinks about life for me without pain. I know I used to play basketball with him and now I can't. It would be very interesting to see how he views this whole thing in his mind.
I replied by saying, "I'm sorry, bud. I look forward to a day I'm not in pain as well. Thank you so much for helping out this week. You've been great."
His response? "It was kinda fun." lol

Saturday night I did little sleeping and a lot of coughing.
In the morning (early morning), I took my medicine but ended up getting sick again. This time with some blood in it.
I crawled back in bed and went into a deep sleep.. for the first time that "night".
My husband woke me up when he was heading to church and told me that I wasn't going anywhere.
I wasn't to worry about Sunday School, taking our son to camp, or playing guitars that night. He wanted me to rest.
He added as he was walking out the door... "I don't want you to worry about the kitchen or paying bills either!"
Those are things that drive me nuts when they aren't done and they weren't done at that point. He didn't want me to end up in the hospital and knew that I could be stubborn about all that stuff he mentioned. :)

I obeyed.

All day Sunday I either slept or watched TV. I wanted to get better and if this was what it was going to take, I'd do it.
I got pretty bored but felt a lot more rested.
Even still, my cough was just as bad and we decided I shouldn't work on Monday and go to the doctor instead.

Yesterday (Monday) I got up and called the doctor's office as soon as it opened. I wasn't able to get in until 11 but at least I could get in.
I hadn't seen this guy before and I didn't know if that was going to be a good thing or a bad thing.

They did the normal check over, asked the normal questions and came up with the same result.
"We don't know why you have this."

It gets very discouraging to keep hearing that. With my headache I can kind of understand that they can't figure out the source. When I couldn't breathe properly, it was a little harder to understand but that's why I made this other appointment for July 1st.
But a cough?
How can a cough not have a cause?
Why am I coughing?

This doctor was baffled and I could tell he didn't like not being able to help me. He was very nice about all of it. He said there's nothing in my lungs and I have no signs of any kind of infection or anything. BUT he said "I can hear you cough. It's very real and something is agitated." He just didn't know why or what.
He wants me to go to a specialist but added that he had no problem with me getting a second opinion from the guy on July 1st. He made sure that I knew he was very willing to help in any way he could.

He did go ahead and prescribe me an inhaler. He also prescribed me some stomach (antacid, I think) medicine because he was concerned about the blood Sunday morning.
A few months ago I had that ulcer-type thing. I'm not sure if it's all connected or not so I'm willing to try this.
I was honestly excited and relieved when he mentioned the inhaler. I didn't just want cough medicine because the stuff I was taking at home wasn't helping, why would prescription?
I've done 3 good doses of the inhaler. This morning I thought maybe it was helping but I'm still coughing quite a bit so I'm not certain.

I have to work.
As I mentioned in my other post, I fear I would get depressed if I didn't.
Yes, it's hard for me. And yes, at times I'd rather be sleeping.
But I know I'm not contagious. I know that I can still provide for their needs. And I know I need the money.. esp if I have more medical bills coming!

My day care parents are so understanding and so willing to work with me. I can be completely honest with them about how I'm feeling. I told them that if they're uncomfortable with bringing their child, I'm fine with that. They know that if I can't handle it, I'll call and let them know. We all have a very honest and open relationship.
In fact, it was one of my day care parents that hooked me up with this doctor on July 1st. She told me this morning that he'll probably order a special kind of test for me that I'll have to do on a Friday.
My day care kids are great too. They've learned my hand signals when I have no voice. They feel bad and say "does your chest hurt today?" They understand if we can't walk somewhere because I don't feel good. The oldest one I have (8 years old) is my mother hen. She worries about me a lot.
I feel bad that these kids are concerned for me and that they have to deal with that. But I can't explain how great they are. We have inside jokes and we laugh. When I'm feeling okay, we dance and are crazy. I still try to take them places but we drive more than walk.

God gives me strength.
I used to say it was daily strength but now it's minute by minute.
I have a fear that this cough will never go away. I have a fear that it'll take months to get to the bottom of this.
But what is fear?
Fear is lack of faith.

I need to have faith that God will provide answers.
I DO have faith that He will not lead me somewhere or give me something that I can't handle.. with His help, of course.
I'm leaning on Him. I still fight the discouragement and fear but I trust Him with my life.

Please continue to pray for me. My next appointment is Monday, July 1st.
I will keep you updated. :)

Living with Pain

I feel like I haven't written in a while. I also feel like I've had a lot of ideas running through my mind but I like them to solidify before I write. If I don't, I tend to ramble and not make sense. :)

I've had a pretty rough week and I thought I'd share. My thoughts are not complete in my mind but I want to write in the moment. I'm hoping that if others of you live with pain, you will be encouraged to know you're not alone.

I'm in pain.

A lot of pain.

I have three sisters but I was the one (still am!) that required the most sleep. I seemed to get sick more often than they did. I was the one (again, still am!) that would get car sick and would get sick on rollercoasters. I'm not sure about this one as much but I think I am the one that has the hardest time with my cycles. They've always been so painful that I've missed school, work, etc.

My point is that sickness and pain are not new to me.

If you know me or have read any of my other posts, you know about my headache. What you don't know is about my newest pain. I think I mentioned it briefly once.

At the end of April, I had a sharp pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe. We ruled out that it was heart pretty quickly. I thought maybe I had a rib out but that wasn't the case either. The pain and pressure in my chest remained constant. I tried medicine and when that didn't work we did more tests. I had an xray and CT scan done plus some blood work. All of them came back negative. We had no idea what the problem was. I still had medicine left so I decided I'd wait until that was out and see how I was. If there was still a problem, I'd go get a second opinion.
Well, by the time I called another doctor, I couldn't get in until July 1st.

Until this week, the pain didn't remain constant. It would come and go and I really had to learn how to watch what I did and how tired I got.
On the other hand, the pressure has always been there though. I haven't been able to take a deep breath in almost two months!
I often run out of breath just talking and my day care kids have learned to be patient when I just hold my hand up to them for a moment. They've also learned to obey by my motions to them so I don't have to talk.
During all of this, I haven't had a runny or stuffy nose. I haven't had a sore throat. And I haven't been coughing.
I often lose my voice just because I can't get the air I need. I can't sing unless I'm concentrating on breathing through my abdomen (like you're supposed to) but even then, it wears me out.
In fact, it often hurts to talk or sing.

Last week I was at Target and tried on two pairs of pants. When I came out, my husband asked how they fit. I couldn't even talk because I was so out of breath. That's just by trying on two pairs of pants!
Having a headache for 10 years is one thing. And yes, if you would have asked me back then if I could live with a headache, I would have said no. BUT not being able to breathe is so different!! I don't feel like I could live with this at all!!

Waiting for my appointment on July 1st, I have tried the chiropractor in the meantime. It helps take the edge off but doesn't take the pressure away. And again, I really have to watch myself or else the pain returns. If I have worn myself out and then I bend over to pick up something or talk to a kid, I get the sharp pain again. I have learned to sit and try to relax. I feel like I get nothing done.

That's all the stuff that's been going on for two months. Let me tell you about this week.

Let's start with last Saturday. I took my grandma to my cousin's daughter's dance recital. I really didn't feel like it wore me out too much. At my niece's recital, I normally come out with a bad headache but this one wasn't as loud. But for some reason, it really got my chest going. I don't know what it is. I lost my voice by the time I got home. Then I had to practice guitar and singing with my dad for a Sunday night thing we do. I was pretty miserable going to bed that night.. but looking back it was nothing compared to what was in store for me.

Sunday was a typical day. I was tired and in pain but didn't really think much about it.

Monday I woke up nauseous. I noticed my chest wasn't feeling too bad but I wasn't feeling great. I ended up getting sick before my husband even left for work. (please know that in my history, getting sick is not an indication that I have the stomach bug. It's a sign that I've worn myself out or I'm stressed. I can tell the difference when it's a illness. Just didn't want you to think I got sick and spread it to kids.)
The pain in my chest while getting sick was almost unbearable. I can not put it into words for you. I only threw up the one time but the pain in my chest never left.

Tuesday I was weak but fighting against the pain. I had gained a cough which was new to this whole thing. I was trying to take it easy when I got a call from the pool that said I needed to come get one of my kids from lessons. I got all the other kids ready quickly and we walked at a fast pace to get there. As we're walking, I get a text that said the Trolley showed up for her and was heading to my house. So we turned around and tried to rush back. (The trolley won't drop off a kid at a house unless they see an adult)
We made it but I was in terrible pain. I couldn't breathe and kept grabbing at my chest. My step-son thankfully stepped up and helped get lunch ready for the kids. I, then, called my mom so I could go to the chiropractor real quick. While I waited for her, I laid down and couldn't help but cry. I knew that it would make my chest worse, but I couldn't stop the tears. I came out of my room with tears in my eyes and showed up at the chiropractor the same way. My day care kids were concerned to see me this way and that made me feel worse.
My mom finished out lunch with them and helped get them down for rest time. The chiropractor made it so I could at least breathe again. When I got home, I laid down and tried to relax. I couldn't decide whether to go to the doctor or what. It's hard when they already haven't found anything, and yet I was in so much pain, I wanted it gone!
I decided to just relax (or try to).
By the end of my work day, my voice wasn't very good at all. In fact, all of my day care parents were concerned and I explained about the day. I have WONDERFUL day care parents right now so it was nice to know their concern and willingness to work with me if I needed it.
That evening I stayed home and went to bed early. At one point, I cried again. A lot harder this time and again, it made my chest feel so much worse. To add to it, crying made my headache worse too.

Do you know how often I pray to have a pain that doesn't get worse when I cry? *sigh*

Wednesday morning I woke up in a lot of pain and had a slight fever. So I decided to not work. I let all my parents know and went back to sleep. I stayed in bed all day watching movies or sleeping. The pain in my chest was still indescribable and my head hurt. I had a weak moment again when the tears came.
It is so hard to be so discouraged and down and yet know that crying just makes everything worse. I just kept praying God would take it all away. I felt like I'd never get passed this trial.
My step-son has been wonderful this week. My husband has been busy finishing up planting and my step-son made me supper without being asked!!

Thursday (yesterday) I decided I would try to work. I knew I didn't have as many kids and that the distraction might help from all the crying stuff. At certain moments in the day, I questioned whether I made the right decision. At other times, I knew it was good to have kids here with me. I didn't feel as tired as I expected at the end of the day but I still was pretty worn out. My husband and step-son said I looked a lot better than I did on Wednesday.

Last night I didn't sleep much at all. To add to my chest pain and my headache, my cycle started so I kept waking up with that pain as well. I will admit that I asked God why I couldn't catch a break.

Today I'm not only tired but still in pain. I'm still coughing like crazy. I got sick again this morning but it wasn't as painful as Monday. I am working but have even fewer kids today. They're all older as well so it's a pretty easy day as far as day care goes. And again, my step-son helps quite a bit. I have to keep working (if possible) not only for financial reasons but I would probably find myself bedridden and depressed.

I'm worn out from fighting pain. I'm constantly taking medicine and just trying to get through each day. God gives me strength. I know that I couldn't do it without Him with me. I don't understand why He's allowing all of this but I just try to take it one moment at a time.
I pray next week isn't nearly as bad and painful as this one has been. I pray that even tomorrow is better than today.

One more week until I see that doctor.
I pray I get answers.

I don't have any big lessons to tell you right now. I just know that there's others out there that deal with pain and I pray that knowing that I'm with you is an encouragement.

I do ask that each of you pray for me. I need it!
Thank you!

I'm Amazed

Last weekend, my husband and I went down to visit my new baby niece.
We had a hard time trying to figure out a good weekend to go down. One of the reasons was because we're wanting to trade in our car for a van soon. My husband was nervous that driving the car 6 hours each way, was just asking for something to happen... like an accident, hail damage, or just plain having car problems.
But with no other time working, we went; praying that if God truly wanted us to make this trade-in, He would protect us.

And boy did He!!!!

Friday night as we were driving down, everything was going well. It was about 9:30 and I had been dozing in and out of sleep. We were an hour away from my sister's house.
I suddenly said "oh my gosh!!"
The car in front of us went left, then sharp right, into the ditch, up the hill, spun around, slid down hill, spun around again and then stopped.
My husband is really quick in these situations. I don't know if it's a guy thing or the fact he was an EMT.
He hit the hazards and started to slow down. By the time the car had stopped moving, we came up to the cause of the accident. There was an entire roll of insulation over both lanes. We were going slow enough by this point that Nate could easily maneuver around it. Then we pulled to the side of the road. The next two vehicles behind us (a pick-up and a semi) had seen Nate's hazards and started slowing down as well so they didn't hit us. They could not really go around the insulation though. BUT since both were bigger vehicles, they could go over it which actually got it off the road for the next group of cars.

When we stopped on the shoulder, I looked at the other car.
"There's a kid standing up, Nate!", I said.
You all know that kids are my passion so I started getting a little more concerned but tried to stay calm. Nate was out and down to the car faster than I could get my shoes on.
He first asked if they were okay. It was a mom and a 3 year old boy. Neither of them were injured so praise the Lord for that. I had gotten down there and heard Nate say "Go up with my wife to our car and I'll try to drive your car out of here".
So I walked with them back up to our car. The pick-up that was behind us had pulled over too. The man helped Nate.
They got the car up onto the shoulder and started checking if it was okay. Amazingly it was except the trunk wouldn't stay shut. As they worked on it, I talked to the little boy.
I asked him if he was okay and if anything hurt. He said he was scared. Then he told me how they wrecked and he fell. He had been in a car seat but it wasn't on very securely.
I talked to him some more about how he was meeting his dad so they could go fishing. He told me about his new fishing pole and how big of a fish he was going to catch. He was a real cute kid.

His mom had been looking for her cell phone and couldn't find it. So I called it for her.
The guys never could get the trunk to stay shut but they decided it was heavy enough, it shouldn't be a problem. She was only a mile or two away from her destination.
She was pretty shaken by the whole thing but thankfully no one was hurt. I still think of her often and pray that neither of them were too sore the next morning.
I really think about the boy. He was spending the weekend with his dad. Was he sore? Would his dad take the accident into consideration?
I have to leave all that up to God. More than likely, I'll never see them again.

There's so many things that could have gone wrong with that accident. They could have rolled their car. It's amazing that they didn't!! If we were any closer to them, they could have hit us or we may have hit the insulation straight on or we may not have been able to help in the way we did. If we had been further back, the pick-up and semi behind us could have hit us.

The whole thing caused us a 20 minute delay but that's not bad considering what else could have happened. I don't think I could have handled it if that little boy had been hurt. Like I said, he's on my mind a lot now and he wasn't injured!
I must have tensed up during the whole thing or something because when we started driving again, my shoulder hurt. I couldn't raise my arm at all.
But that's not a big deal in the scheme of things.

We're thankful they're okay. We're thankful God protected us as well. And we're thankful that we were able to help them. No one else stopped to help. I don't know if someone else in our position would have or not. But we did and we're thankful.

We didn't drive our car at all while down there. Saturday night a storm was coming in and Nate was worried about hail damage but the storm ended up breaking up.

Sunday was the long drive back.
We're in the midwest and there were storms everywhere.
An hour after we left, one of my sisters and the other sister's husband were both texting us telling us they were in a tornado warning and one had been spotted South of them.
We weren't driving in rain or anything. I prayed right then that we'd stay ahead of it.

Three hours into our trip Nate's co-worker called to see where we were. He told us about some storms going on but thought we'd stay behind it. So we were driving in between two storms basically the whole way.

Do you know what?

We didn't even hit rain until we were an hour away from home. And even then, it was only pouring, white knuckle type driving, for about 20 minutes! That's amazing considering all that was going on around us!
Nate's sister had text a couple times saying that people on Facebook were talking about a tornado near our town and the news talked about one spotted in a town close by.

When we got back, we had to stop at my parents to get my step-son.
(We get him on Sunday nights so instead of trying to be back in time, he just went to my parents for a couple hours)
My parents said that they assumed we were driving in storms the whole way because the radar was just red the whole distance.
Well, there was a little hole that God had us driving in. I'm still amazed at it.
We keep hearing stories about that night. Stories about how hard it was raining, how much the wind was blowing, how much hail there was and all sorts of things.
We even know of someone else driving home but they were coming from the East where we were coming from the West. They had to stop and go into a church basement.
We must have been in another world.
One little town we drove by had been tossed like a salad just an hour or so before. Trees had fallen and leaves were plastered to people's houses. We didn't drive through it but was told about it later.
Nothing was like what had happened in Oklahoma, but there were still storms and God had kept us out of them.

I don't think it was all to protect our car either. I think God protected US.
Just driving in the pouring rain for 20 minutes made my body ache. I haven't felt well all week and I think it's a combination of things. But from my experience, I know that if we'd driven 6 hours in storms (like we certainly could have) I would be even worse. My body just doesn't handle those kinds of things anymore.
I've been having some lungs/chest issues for about a month now and it was really acting up on Sunday before we even left. If I had been tense the whole trip, I can't even imagine what I would be feeling like now.

God is good.
Yes, He could have made both trips completely different. He could have NOT allowed the insulation to be in the road at that moment. He could have NOT let it storm at all so it wouldn't be a concern.
But He was allowing those things to happen and no one can predict why. We can't read His mind and see what He sees. But we trust that He knows best.
In all that, He was very much protecting us.
Like I said.. He could have made both trips completely different. WE could have been the ones that came upon the insulation first. We could have been closer to the car wrecking. We could have driven in storms.. even a tornado.. all day Sunday.

Sometimes God protecting us doesn't mean avoiding all negative things. It means keeping us exactly where He wants us.

Nate and I praised Him after the car accident for what could have happened but didn't.
We praised Him while we were driving home, realizing how amazing it was that we weren't even in rain.. let alone a big storm.

We still praise Him for all He has done, will do and is doing for us.

God is good. Praise Him.

No Tech Day

How do you feel about technology?

I honestly have mixed feelings. 

I'm obviously using it now. 

It's a lot easier to stay in contact with long distance friends.

And I definitely think it helped find the suspects in Boston. 

There are several more positive things that come from technology but I feel like there's a negative side to every positive if we aren't careful.

We don't seem to think for ourselves anymore. We'll whip out our smart phones to find the answer rather than stopping and thinking. Any decision that we have, we may get on a social site and ask others what we should do. Or when trying to go somewhere, we use GPS rather than a map and our brains.

Kids seem to think experience is found on the screen. Video games and things seem so real to them that they think they have actually experienced it. They'll stay inside looking at nature on the screen rather than be outside and truly be in nature!

While technology helps us be in contact with long distance friends, I think it blocks a closeness we could have with people who live near us.

There's more negative things I can think of but I want to stop there.

On Saturday my husband and I did a No Tech Day. We decided that we wouldn't play, look up the weather or any other apps on our phones. We wouldn't get on the computer either. 

We went as far as to say we weren't going to watch TV or a movie. 

I had read the idea in the Reader's Digest. It didn't go into much detail about how to do it but just the thought of doing it appealed to me. I mentioned it to my husband Friday night and so we agreed to try it.

We don't have big problems with talking and doing things together. But sometimes it does seem like we're in the same room and yet different places. Our conversation would go something like this:

"What are you doing?"

"Playing golf. You?"

"Playing Flow"

THE END

The thing is that we could have that conversation, playing our phones, while the TV is on. We don't have cable or satellite so it could be we used Netflix through the Wii. 

Isn't that kind of sad in a way?

Is technology blocking some of your relationships?

My husband and I aren't that bad all the time, just occasionally. But there is that sense of what would happen if we didn't have all this "stuff"?

Let me tell you... It was FUN!!!!

We were together basically all day. 

We worked together cleaning out his house (that we just sold!). 

We drove around and talked together.

We went out for ice cream together.

And boy, did we laugh together!!

If it was nicer out, we probably would have gone on a walk or done something more in nature. We both love to be outside so that would have made it easier.

We ended the day by playing a game together. I feel like I was raised on board games. And even though I have quite a few, we hardly play them. 

It just made us realize how quickly we can become distant. 

Like I said, we really aren't as bad as I can imagine other houses are. We always find time to talk before we go to sleep but it may not be very long or expansive. 

There's something different when we're not just talking about what happened that day or what we need to do this week.. but adding to it what we'd like to be in the future or reliving the past. 

It connects you all over again.

What about you and your family?

The weekends we have the boys we always do a family night. Occasionally, it's playing a game together but more often, it's movie and popcorn. Again, I'm not saying these things are bad but it's nice to mix things up and do things that require more communicating.

We hear or read about how important it is to eat as a family around the table. I think any more people tend to eat in front of the TV or are looking at their phones even if they're physically at the table. 

We already don't do that. We sit as a family around the table and our phones aren't touched unless they ring (not text). I can see the importance!

If doing a No Tech Day seems too daunting to you, try the meal thing first. Or maybe part of a day.

My oldest step-son will be a teenager next week. Right now he WANTS to do things with us. He wants us to come out and play basketball with him or he wants us to all play a game or watch a movie together.

How long will we have that? When is he going to decide he would rather not have us around?

It's funny because a week ago he said, "Let's drive around all day because that's when we talk the most." Smart kid!

He'll be getting his own cell phone here very soon.

I'll admit I fear how this is going to affect our lives here. I foresee us sitting in the same room but not paying attention to the other people in that room.

It's quite possible we'll try to do the No Tech Day more often and make it so that we won't text anyone that day either. 

There's different levels anyone could do this.

 In the Reader's Digest, there was the easy level. It was where you designate one room in your house as a No Tech Room... with a basket on the door for a cell phone. That sounds appealing to me for the kitchen. So even though I sit there while paying bills and things.. I would have to make that conscience effort to get up and get on my phone. We don't have a TV in the kitchen so that wouldn't be a problem. And I'd have to make myself only use the computer for business purposes. 

The next level was a weekend retreat type thing, I believe. That's the angle I was going for with our Saturday. If we were going to do it again, I think we'd plan ahead a little more to prepare ourselves mentally and maybe tell others so we could just leave our phones home. I'd be tempted to do it for more of the weekend.

The third and hardest level was done by a man in California. He traded in his smart phone for a regular flip phone. He really enjoys it because he says he's getting to know his city even better. One reason is he's out experiencing it and the other is he's not using the directions given from his phone. He's using his head and learning how to get around. If you don't have a smart phone, this probably seems silly that it's the hardest level. But if you have one, you know how addicting it is... how easy it is to go to it for everything.

I have said several times that I wish my husband and I didn't get smart phones. We justified why we "needed" them. He uses the weather app pretty often especially at work on a potentially stormy day. I like being able to check my email or the schools website anywhere I go. Now that we have them, it'd be hard to give up!.. no matter how much I think we use them too much. That just takes will power to only use them when necessary. 

My husband and I really enjoyed our No Tech Day. He even admitted that it wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. We were both relaxed and enjoy each other's company all day long. 

Neither of us regret it or feel like we missed out on something. 

Like I said... it was FUN!

I encourage you to at least consider doing a No Tech Day or part of a day. 

Shut off the video games, cell phones, and computers. 

Talk to each other. Laugh together. Play together. 

Enjoy each other while you're still able to BE together!

My hardest trial... so far.

It seems like every time I post something on here God says, "Okay, let's see you practice what you preach."

The same day I did my last post, I had another "event" happen.

As the day wore on, I was not feeling well. I was so nauseous and weak that I couldn't make supper. Unfortunately, this happens to me fairly often. It doesn't mean I'm sick or coming down with something. My body just gets weak.
My husband had his monthly Firemen meeting so was not home. Thankfully, my step-son is old enough to fend for himself. He got something to eat, ate and then headed back outside to play basketball.
I decided to try to eat something. So hanging onto the counters and moving slowly, I made myself some soup.
As I tried to get a Sprite out of the plastic rings, another Sprite fell to the floor. It started spinning and sprayed the entire kitchen!!
Seriously, I had a Sprite sprinkler at my feet!
The bills on the table were wet. The fridge was wet. My socks and pants.. soaked!
Last night (two days later!) I found some on my china hutch!
It seriously went everywhere!
I was feeling so weak that I had to call my husband home to help me. He hadn't been gone long so I figured they were still cleaning trucks and hadn't started the actual meeting yet. I was right.
Thankfully, he came and cleaned the floor. After mopping it twice... it's still sticky!
As the Sprite was spraying everything, I thought of my blog.
"Are you kidding me? I have to laugh?"
In the moment I smiled. I smiled at God's sense of humor.
It didn't take long for it to turn into a joke around here though. My step-son thinks it's hilarious and is sad he was outside and missed it all. But we all still laugh when we see spots on the wall or the curtains.

I didn't decide to post today just to tell you that story though.

I mentioned in my last post that last week there was a lot of stress going on. There was something underlying everything else that was happening.

Six months ago I had my regular annual exam. It came back abnormal. This can happen and it typically means nothing. But they like to recheck six months later.
Last week I went in for the recheck.

This time she saw spots on my cervix.

"It could be nothing!" she said trying to comfort me, "But we won't know for a week."

Those of you that know me personally, know that I want to be a mom so badly. I've wanted to be a mom since I was little and that's all I've wanted to be.
I was CRUSHED at this news.
I felt like I was looking cancer straight in the face.

Each day I tried to think 'it could be nothing'. But my mind liked to run wild.
Was I going to be able to have kids at all? Would we have money to do en-vitro? Would someone be willing to be a surrogate for me? Were we going to adopt?
If it was cancer.. was I going to have to stop working? Would I feel worse than I do now? Will I die?

My mind very quickly went to dark places and I had to draw it back. I had to pray often!

The reaction from others just heightened my fear. At one point my oldest sister (who's married to a doctor!) asked me IF I found out I couldn't have kids, would I adopt. She emphasized the word "IF" but still (in my mind) if the doctor's wife was thinking along those lines, it must be a BIG possibility!

I don't know how many of you have faced things like this. It is indescribable!

It is for sure the hardest week of my life!

The day after I went to the doctor, I was struggling the most. The day before I think I was just in shock. It sunk in more the next morning.
As I was praying I said, "Lord, I need a song. I need a song to run through my head that reminds me how much You care. A song that will stick with me."
I had thought about the song "Cast all your Cares" but for me that was what I was struggling with. I was struggling casting my cares on Him. I needed a song that showed me why I can do that!
I kept praying and laid in my bed until it came.

"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

Perfect.

This song comes from Luke 12:6, 7.  "Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows."  (it's also found in the book of Matthew)

God cares about all of His creation but we, mankind, are the most important to Him.

The song above is "His Eye is on the Sparrow" written by Civilla D. Martin. You may have heard it song by Lauryn Hill especially in the movie Sister Act 2 or maybe Whitney Houston's version.

Here is the background for the song from Civilla D. Martin.

Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York. We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle—true saints of God. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years. Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair. Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them. One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me. The hymn "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience.

The chorus of the song is this:
"I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free;
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

Do you know how hard it is to sing "I sing because I'm happy" when you're facing possible cancer and your biggest dream is crashing down around you?

I've sang that song in my head SOOO many times over the last week and I forced myself to smile during that phrase every time.
It helped!

This entire song helped me keep my focus on God and how He cares. It helped me know that He's in control and He'll be with me whatever the future holds.

I still struggled.
I still had fear.
But I also had God.

What is fear?

Fear is the lack of faith.

Have you ever thought about it like that before? I had just heard it phrased that way recently.
There's all sorts of fear... fear for the world, fear for our nation, fear for our lives on a personal level. All of it is lack of faith. It's lack of trusting God with the outcome.

When children get scared at night, where do they run? They run to their parents' room and find comfort in just being near them. The scary thing may still be near, but they have peace knowing their parents are protecting them.

The same goes for us as Children of God.
The scary (fearful) thing is still there but we need to find comfort in the presence of our Father.

The week has been hard.
Waiting is hard.

Something to remember during a time of waiting... Waiting is a trial in itself.

All trials are to help us build our character and become more like Christ.

Whether it's waiting for news like I was or waiting on God's guidance in your life, no matter what you're waiting for, God wants you to learn and grow during that time. He wants you to depend and rest in Him. Having patience is HARD! But God desires that in us.

I was waiting for the results. I was waiting to hear what my future held.

Every time the phone rang my heart would beat fast and I'd get a knot in my stomach.
When I would talk about it, I would tear up.
The thought of losing my ability to have kids was so real.
Every thing we had going on, I felt like I had to be fake. I had to appear to be Okay on the surface while just under that was a huge fear. I didn't want to tell everyone about it and yet it was on my mind constantly.

I longed for it to be all over. I wanted to move on to the next step... whatever that was.

I finally got the phone call.

The results came back clear!! PRAISE THE LORD!

I still need to keep an eye on things and there's still issues that need to be figured out. I'm not out of the woods as far as possibly not being able to have kids on my own BUT that hope still exists. At this point, there's still that option. That is such a great feeling!

There's still decisions to be made and things to consider. But God has kept the door open.

I wanted to write all of this while the feelings and emotions of the last week were still fresh. I don't think it's ever going to be possible to completely forget what I felt, thought and learned during this trial but I know the freshness will diminish some. Time may heal all wounds but the memory will always exist.

I looked fear straight on.
I wasn't successful the entire time. It wasn't easy by any means!
As I said, the whole experience is indescribable. Unless you have been through something similar, you won't be able to fully grasp it. It's hard for me to describe all the feelings and emotions that happened.
Maybe some of you can relate to that.
Fear and peace seemed to fight against each other. I don't want to relive it. And I pray I never have to.

But I know HE watches me... and I can cast all my cares, fears and worries on Him.