In September of 2002, I got my first migraine. It was one of the worst pains in the world. That following February (2003) something worse happened. I got a headache that never left. Well, I can't say never but that's jumping ahead a bit.
I don't know how many of you have had a headache or a migraine but they aren't fun. Two months after my headache started my younger sister got married. I wasn't living at home at this time so the wedding was the first time most of my family and friends saw me since the pain started.
I was walking real slow. I had lost some weight. And I just acted like I was dying. I remember praying that I wouldn't have a headache during the wedding. God blessed me with a wonderful day of not feeling too bad but the following day was that much worse. I cried I was in so much pain (which only makes the pain worse). I know that some people were scared by just seeing me walk.
It felt like I had a disease with no name. A death sentence that no one could figure out. But let me back up just slightly.
Of course when this headache started I never expected it would still be around 9 years later. It took a few weeks before I decided I needed to see doctors. Once I started I kept going to doctors for the next two years. I had a CT scan, a MRI, a EEG, blood work, x-rays, everything you can imagine. Since we weren't finding answers it led to more and more areas needing testing (like my ovaries, digestive system, jaw and eyesight). Still no answers.
I went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. They found nothing and did nothing. I went to the best hospital in my state. They found nothing. They tried SEVERAL different pain killers. Some made me sleep, some made me sick, some made me feel drunk.
The thing was that I wanted two things. 1. I wanted to know what the cause of my headache was and not just numb it with medicine. 2. I wanted to be able to function and although these pain killers dulled the pain, I couldn't function with the side effects.
At that hospital I tried a pain killer that they shot directly into my blood stream via IV. I was in the hospital for 4 days and they gave it to me every few hours. This medicine made me so sick that I was throwing up blood. They gave me two anti-nausea medicines before the pain killer but it didn't help. My mom was with me and I remember crying to her saying "It's not worth it. I can live with a headache. Get me out of here!" I'm sure it was just as hard on her.
At the end of the four days, I was headache free. Yay! But I had lost so much weight and energy that I still didn't feel well. I was in college at this time and went back to school real weak and slow. People would say "you have life in your eyes!" which was great but I felt drained. In less than 3 months, my headache was back and it truly hasn't left since.
I had good days and bad days. I learned to take full advantage of the good days because I never knew when a bad day would hit and how long it'd stick around. College work and classes were hard to stay on top of but I did it and graduated in May of 2005.
In December of that year I was in a car accident. I wasn't seriously injured but it led me to be able to go to the chiropractor regularly. My car insurance was paying for it so I wasn't having to come up with the money. It didn't help with the headaches much though.
In March, I moved back home.
Shortly after that, I went through I really bad spell. Not only did I have the constant headache but I had a constant migraine for two weeks. I lost LOTS of weight this time. I stayed in my parents' basement. If I was around light at all, I wore sunglasses.
I didn't leave the house much but I remember one particular fundraising event I went to. It was a basketball game. I walked into the gym like an old lady and with sunglasses on. My sister and mom walked with me to help me keep my balance. Several people would ask what was wrong with me or if they knew, they commented on how bad I had gotten.
There were several times I just laid in bed wishing that I'd sleep and never wake up. But then I found out that that was my mom's fear this whole time. She would come check on me to make sure I was still living. I haven't wished that since because I love my mom more than I hate the pain.
At this time I started to try some of the non-medical world. I had acupuncture, did a hair analysis, and even went to a counselor to see if it was a psychological issue. I had hopes for some of the natural health options but since insurance doesn't help with such things, the stress of money took over. The last thing I tried in this realm (other than chiropractor which I still do weekly) was going to a sleep clinic. It proved to not be helpful either.
I also got braces to move my jaw to see if it would help. It did help with my jaw pain but nothing with my headache.
Over the last 5 years I've just learned how to manage it. I know that I need a lot of sleep. I know that stress makes it worse. I know loud noises or those continuous noises make it worse. I know that if I'm having a bad headache, fluorescent lights.. like in stores and things.. are not good.
I've basically just learned to deal with it.
It's not fun to live in a world that doesn't think about headaches. I don't go to movies in the theater because it's too loud. There's certain restaurants I avoid because of the noise or lighting. I don't go into stores that have a lot of smells because that also sets it off. I go to fireworks but I wear earplugs and close my eyes often.
The biggest thing is that I never thought about how much I'd have to consider it during my wedding planning. I can't have candles because of scents and the flickering of lights. My dress couldn't have a train or be heavy or have a halter top. I can't have a veil or have my hair up.
It'd be easy to focus on the "can'ts". Believe me, somedays I do and my fiance helps me change my attitude. There's been many days I haven't wanted to get out of bed. But when it comes down to it, I still have to see God's still here.
January 1st, 2012 I got one of the worst headaches I've had in a couple years. And to be honest, the rest of this month hasn't really been much better. I feel like I've gone back a couple years. Every noise or movement bothers me. To add to it, this time around, my motion sickness is even MORE sensitive than it was before. If someone is doing a lot of moving in front of me (even if I'm sitting still) I start to feel nauseous.
Last Thursday, however, it's even something more. I keep getting these feelings of passing out. I haven't passed out but I get weak, dizzy and things go black. It doesn't last long but it's very unnerving. So after my family and fiance convinced me, I went to the doctor again. I'm getting another MRI on Saturday. I don't know if this time around I'll get answers or not.
I feel like I'm starting all over again.
I'm frustrated and discouraged. Two months ago I was telling people that I was doing great. That I was feeling the best I have in years. And now.. only two months later... I'm feeling worse than I possibly did 9 years ago. I don't think the pain is as severe but my overall health feels lower.
The real kicker is that since this is happening before I get married, I'm still on my own insurance and therefore I have to pay everything in full, out of pocket, until I reach my deductible. All my money that I've been saving for the wedding is now going to go to medical bills. BUT at least I have money saved!
That's an example of seeing God is still here. He knew in advance what was to come. He knows exactly what's going to come of this too. I can trust Him.
Another example is that a week ago, I found out that the baby I was taking care of had to move away unexpectedly. I was sad that it happened so quick. But now I see that with this passing out feeling, I wouldn't be able to care for him this week anyway.
This trial has been long and hard. And I have no idea where it's going to lead. I know that God is with me and is always in control. He's blessed me with a wonderful family. This past weekend I could hardly walk and they all were considerate of me. For Sunday dinner alone, I had three different people offer to help me get my food. I'm amazed at the family God has given me. And He timed this new trial with the week that my out-of-town sisters are here to visit. It's easier to schedule doctor visits when I have others here to help with my daycare kids and things. My younger sister has helped with the dishes, kids and other things. I'm so thankful!
I also know there's others out there with genuine concern for me and wish they could help more. I'm blessed in the midst of this trial. I know I am.
Just like I didn't know how to start writing this, I also don't know how to end it. I just felt led to share a glimpse of my story.
Maybe you are someone who's really struggling and needing to hear about someone else's pain. Maybe you are someone who needed someone new to pray for. Or maybe you know me and just needed an update.
I'm not sure.
All I know is this... This is my trial and God has been using it for 9 years.
| "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:1,2 |
