Safety: Mental Illness Part 4

I've been working on this post for a little over two months now. It's been a tough one to write but I think it's important.

So let me start with this question... Do you feel safe?

I mean think about it... Do you truly feel safe?

Are you safe at home? Do you feel like someone could come in and take away your belongings?

Do you feel safe in different parts of your town or city? Do you feel safe when you're traveling?

What makes you feel safe?

I do things to insure that I'm as safe as possible.

But here's something I want you to ponder....

Do you feel safe in your own mind?

Let me clarify.
Do you trust your mind? Does your mind feel safe to you?

These questions sound ridiculous to anyone who does not deal with mental illness.

This is something that just began to ring true a couple months ago. Something that I hadn't fully realized or grasped myself.

I know mental illness is a very hard thing to understand for those that don't deal with it themselves. It's hard to understand why I do and don't do certain things.
My actions are in correlation to what's happening inside of me. 


Most of you don't know the way it feels inside. The way I can't trust my mind. The way my mind can be manipulated by an outside person's actions or words.

Now that is scary!

You can think of it as hypnotism but it's so much scarier because it's real life and no snapping out of it. I have to battle within my own head.

I don't feel safe. I don't trust my brain.


Two months ago I was in Colorado for a funeral. Something happened that affected my whole being. Someone sent me a text that disrupted everything. I became depressed, panicked, full of anxiety. I couldn't bring myself to go meet with the family so I stayed in the hotel.
That night I took action to stop the manipulation. I did what I could on my end to keep me safe on a mental level.
I'm not talking about safety from suicide. I'm talking safety in my own mind.
Conflicting truths about myself... what am I being told and what is truth?
I took action that stopped the wrong voices getting to me... at least the voices from actual people.
My mind has voices that tell me lies.. like I'm not lovable, I'm broken, damaged, etc. 

The next day at the funeral I was feeling better. The action I had taken made me have a sense of safety. That person could no longer manipulate me in that way.
After the funeral I talked to one of my second cousins that I just met. Talking with him for over two hours built my confidence and was so helpful. God put him there and coordinated the entire timing so that we were able to get to know each other in this way. He encouraged me in so many ways and about so many different things.

My therapist asked what was so significant. I had to think about it...
I felt like a person. I didn't feel like a problem needing fixed. I didn't feel like a crazy, anxiety-filled animal. I didn't feel like a depressed wilting flower.

I felt like a person!

The action I had taken the night before and the talk I had with my cousin became huge break-throughs for me. I felt safe.
I could easily fight negative thoughts by thinking of the positives.
I wasn't scared of people attacking me mentally.

Something happened the next week that took it away though.
This is why I wanted to bring this up now.

Mental safety comes and goes. And to be completely blunt... it sucks!!
No one is trying to mentally manipulate me anymore. Well... not in the same way, anyway. It's different actions not words. 
But with each of these actions, my own mind is failing me. It's backstabbing me so to speak.

My parents' house was my safety house outside of my own. It no longer is. He lives too close and it's so beyond painful. I won't stop going there but each time it's a true battle within me. I want to run away but I can't.
My mind fights against me.
I don't go around town out of fear and wanting to protect myself.. to be safe.

It's not just a battle of truth vs lies.
It's a battle of where my value comes from. It's a battle of focusing on what's in front of me and not thinking about other things happening. It's a battle of lovable vs rejection.

Rejection and feelings of abandonment are huge parts of borderline personality disorder.
I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (in case you didn't read my last post).
It's a label that my husband and I ignored. I worked on trying to handle stress and anger but never really dug into WHY I did certain things. I wish we had.
I'm still finding out things I did three years ago that I don't remember or didn't realize. I hurt people I love and I wish I could change it all. I want to correct everything from three years ago... with not only my husband and step sons, but sisters, nieces and nephews, former in-laws, etc.

Knowing what I know now explains so much. It doesn't excuse everything but it seriously has made different situations so clear. I wish I could tell him.


Here's a conversation I just had with my best friend a week ago...
Me: "I wish he would read about my disorder. But would it make a difference? I try to remind myself that 'he' doesn't exist."
Her: "Well, he does exist. He's just not in your world anymore. He's not a part of you. Why do you feel like you need him to read about your disorder?"
Me: "Because I'm trying to reach him... the real him. If you think he exists, then I want to keep pricking at him. The way he reacted to seeing you shows he knows he's done wrong."
Her: "I think it's because you still have hope you can change his mind. That he will want you back."
Me: "You're exactly right"
Her: "The guy that left you isn't the guy that married you. You feel like you can find the good guy. You are trying to reach the good one. Right? 
"I think you feel so guilty about the mental health part that all the actions and feelings you had because of your illness drove him away. That this is all your fault. You're wanting to fix it, because it's your fault and you want to 'educate' him so he will come back. Is that kinda it? You want a chance to 'right your wrongs'."
Me: "Yes. Nailed it"
Her: "Tell me how your new story begins. Life without him, life after divorce, life while battling a disease. How do you start over?... better yet.. How are you starting over.. Not how will you or how do you. Cause you already are."
Me: "I don't know."
Her: "How about acceptance. Accepting what's gone. I think you have finally accepted mental illness is real and that it's not your fault. And you're not a sucky person. That's one huge postive because I saw you struggling to accept/admit something was wrong."
Me: "Yeah, I get it. We ignored the diagnosis and that's why I want him to get it"
Her: "But he doesn't matter right now. You have to focus on yourself. This is such a HUGE tragedy in your life. It's upset your life in every way it possibly could. You have to make sure you are safe."
(KEY WORDS!!!... make sure you are safe.)
Me: "How do I do that beyond never being around town.. which I'm already doing."
Her: "You have to take care of YOU! If/when he ever wants to take a real good look at himself and your marriage, you can show him the way but he's so completely self-absorbed right now, it won't matter one bit."
Me: "How do I take care of me?"
Her: "You're doing it. Slowly but surely. You got yourself out of here when necessary.. even being uncomfortable. You did it!... For you! For your security and sanity! You have to have boundaries. People know you are willing to help. They lean on you, but you have to keep yourself safe. And YOU COME FIRST... even over your family (sisters, cousins, aunts, church elders, etc)."

See... I don't have all the answers. It's a learning thing. But safety IS important!

I've started to protect myself by thinking of my mind as a two-story house. There's a major trust issue with people. So I picture the person coming into my house. Would I let them in? Would they be allowed upstairs? Are they allowed in my most private space?
There are less than a handful that are allowed in my "bedroom". A few more are allowed in the "upstairs". A decent size (but not huge) are allowed in "my house". Yes, there are some only allowed on "the porch" and several not even allowed in "the fence". There's two people I've had to place out there and it hurts. But, again, safety is important. 

Understanding your mental illness (or your love one's) is a major part in understanding how to be safe.
Several times this week it has been brought up that unfortunately I'm learning about my mental illness at the same time as going through the divorce. It makes it all a lot harder and a longer process.
My psych said that typically someone going through divorce goes through the grieving process but I'm living IN it and not moving.

Since rejection and abandonment are so huge, I just realized that I don't live with knowing my husband left me.. but instead it's a daily rejection. Every day he's choosing to not be with me. That gets stuck in my mind. That's the whole lovable vs rejection thing.
It's a horrible feeling to know my mind can be so against me.
For me it's worse because I dream... I sleepwalk, sleep talk, sleep text, sleep eat, sleep online shop, sleep throw up.... my mind is always on.
With my headache, Mayo Clinic said I have a "sensitive brain" because I also get motion sickness easily, ice cream headaches, etc. 

The evenings and sleeping is the worst. 

This is how I sleep. In between all those pillows and the silver blanket is a weighted blanket for panic and anxiety. He used to be very helpful with my night panics. I now also have a penguin that I call Panic Penguin. I hold him against my chest. Yes, 39 years old and sleeping with a stuffed animal.

This mental fear and battle is something I wish I would have realized years ago.

Nevertheless, it's a battle.
One I sometimes lose. And one I sometimes win.

My therapist and I discussed that I'm living in quicksand. God provides the bridge to get out but I'm stuck. I'm working on getting out of the quicksand and then moving away from the entire sand pit. If I'm just sitting there, nothing will change. My world will always be just as it is... scary and lonely.

We've been talking about the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17)

I have this picture hanging to remind myself of the peace and calm the armor can bring.

(Ironically this comes after talking about wives submitting to husbands, husbands loving their wives like Christ loves, children obeying parents and slaves obedient to masters)

This armor is to protect us from the evil that wants to break all of those commitments. 

Verse 12.. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

This armor isn't just for those commitments mentioned but also, for me, to fight against mental battles that Satan wants to inflict on me.

This armor not only protects me but also gives me confidence to go out.

I want to always feel safe. I want to be surrounded by people that my mind feels safe with. It's relaxing and calm. It's a protective barrier.
I can't stress to you how hard this is. If you have a loved one going through this, please let them know you're there. Don't try to "fix it" but just help them by loving them.

If you are the person feeling unsafe, you are not alone. There are many of us.

I hope it happens again someday... that feeling of safety I had momentarily in Colorado. I think as I grow stronger in my journey, it will.
Tasting it gives me such encouragement to keep pushing towards that goal.

If there's events or specific dates coming that I know could cause me to feel unsafe, I work through my thoughts and feelings. I picture myself in that place or on that day. Then I come up with a plan. Plans help keep the safety stay as the event approaches. 

Each of us is different. My safety looks different than others. I know my triggers (read my triggers post) and I know how to read my body now. I can tell if I'm getting tense, panicked, emotional, etc.
Your body tells you, too. Just start paying attention to it.

I know in my head that my value is in God. He loves me. He created me in my unique, special way. No matter how I mess up, He'll never leave me.
I KNOW that.. but it's when the other incidents or negatives occur.
My mind fights me and sends me to a negative place.

Like I said... it's hard to understand if you don't deal with it. So be patient with us. Having a mind that constantly wants to betray you is scary and lonely.

I hope this was encouraging to those of you that struggle. Keeping your mind safe and setting up those boundaries is just as important as being physically safe.

Be alert. Know your surroundings. Be prepared. Have a plan.

Those things work for both mental and physical safety. Use them!

(if you ever want to talk or have questions, email me delightinlord13@gmail.com)

I'm praying for you.

My Story: Mental Illness Part 3

I've been working on a post for almost two months. I will still get that one done but I decided that maybe I need to share my mental health story first. I want you to know where I'm coming from and, hopefully, where I'm headed.

About five years ago I came to the realization that I would not be having my own children. It was devastating to me. My entire life has been with kids and wanting kids so when I started having this deep hopeless feeling, I assumed it was depression because of the infertility.

I went to a family doctor and was put on anti-depressants. I also saw a counselor to talk through it all. But it seemed as though the anti-depressants sent me to the hospital. I tried several and almost always ended up in the hospital.
I would have horrible stomach pain and would be throwing up. It was a constant until I could get the IVs needed at the hospital.

Over Thanksgiving that year, I was bad enough that I would go in just for IV fluids.
(you can read about this time in my life in my post "for those who struggle" written in Feb of 2015. I find it especially interesting knowing all I know now.)

The doctors that saw me never thought it was the anti-depressants making me sick but it was the only thing that made sense in my mind. No tests were telling me anything different was wrong so I assumed I had an allergy to anti-depressants.

That following February we were in Wisconsin for a family gathering. We received news that stunned me and made me feel depressed about my infertility. In the middle of the night, the pain started again. SO much pain that I couldn't lie still, I couldn't relax. I kept going into the bathroom to throw up but nothing would happen. Finally, we went to the ER.

They ran tests on me and I was there for quite a while. I had time to talk to these different nurses and the doctor. I asked them about it being from stress.
They said that it definitely could be stress and that it made sense. It could also be anxiety and panic.
I ended up being medicated enough that I slept the entire way home from Wisconsin. I don't remember any of it.

That doctor had suggested seeing a different counselor/therapist and possibly a psychiatrist. (I'll shorten that to psych from now on)
I did as he suggested.

In 2015, I was diagnosed with severe depression along with high anxiety and panic attacks. I saw my psych regularly as well as a new therapist.
My husband did well with my random panic attacks. It would mostly happen at night and he would help calm me to a place I could sleep again. 
At this time we still thought it all surrounded my infertility.

In 2016, however, my eyes were opened.

There was an incident at my parents house where my sister got angry with me and said everyone was tired of walking on eggshells. This rocked me to my core and I was in shock.
I went home without another word and at home asked my husband if he understood. He said he did not.

Later I was told that I have bursts of uncontrollable anger... that I can be fine and then BOOM, I'm angry.
This was news to me. I knew that I can get mad and I grew up knowing I had a temper (which now makes sense... keep reading..) but to have these bursts of anger that my sisters and husband described I couldn't wrap my brain around. It was literally blind anger.

I'm talking big outbursts too. I would become a monster. I don't like thinking back to that but it happened and I don't want to leave it out.

I talked to my psych about this and he guided me towards some anger management books but also diagnosed me (correctly this time) with borderline personality disorder. It was during this time of finding out how I treated people and being told that everyone was against me that I attempted suicide. You can read more about that in my Mental Health Part 1.

Here is a summary of borderline personality disorder:

From that diagnosis and earth shattering events, I've been working on myself and trying to mend strained relationships.

My parents never saw this anger and were confused by it as well. So for a few months, I lived with them. Trying to find a calm.
My husband and I were in constant communication and knew this was a temporary situation.

All of this new information... the news about my actions, the new diagnosis, etc.. everything seemed different. I was learning to become very aware of what I was feeling at all times.
I also switched counselors again. 
Without knowing the previous diagnosis, she also said I had borderline personality disorder.

As I've been taking this journey and discovering more, I can look back into my past and see times that I was struggling with my mental health... childhood, high school, college, etc.
If I put myself back in that moment, I can feel the anxiety and panic. Other times I can feel the unexplainable hopelessness. I can feel it physically, emotionally and mentally. I know, now, that it was the same thing I deal with today.
Those times that I was labeled "with a temper" weren't always just your average getting mad but were a result of panic inside of me.

While I'm still going to write specific posts about specific topics (Depression, Anxiety, Panic), I want to give you a quick insight into what I experience.

When I'm fighting the depressed, hopeless state, I'm tired. My body and mind feel numb and I want to cry.
Notice... this is different than what I described in my post about suicide. Suicide is all pain. Everything hurts.
Right now I'm talking depression. It's different. I know that confuses a lot of people. I fight depression regularly. Suicidal thoughts are far apart.. and when on the right medication and talking to the right therapist are very rare.
People ask "why can't you just be happy?" when talking about my depression. It's not a light switch so it's not something I can just turn off and on. It's deeper.

Anxiety for me feels like I'm going to throw up. My stomach is in so much pain and my chest gets very tight.
Panic is the next level up. My whole body hurts and I can't grasp how to release it. I pace around the room and can't finish sentences.
If you watch my hands, you can tell when I'm anxious and follow it up to panic.
I have tools that help me but if I'm not able to use those, it can come out in anger. For example.. if I'm "freaking out" and I walk away from the situation, I need to be left alone. If I'm followed or pushed against a wall, I turn into a different person, trying to get free.

I don't like that person.

Mental illness isn't a battle a person can face alone. 
It takes people that truly love you and support you. They need to do their best to understand what is happening and not try to fix the "problem". 
So if you are a person whose loved one is battling mental illness, I applaud you. Don't give up. Don't quit on them. It's hard on you, too. I know. It's a very confusing thing for everyone involved.
Tell them you love them and want to learn more. THEN learn more.

I can't blame all actions on mental illness and think I'm without blame. That's pure ignorance and foolishness. There's times that I HAVE to fight the battle inside of me. I can't let it take over. When it does, there can be a mess to clean up. Hurt feelings on every side. I'm not innocent.

Going back to three years ago, as it was all new, my panic attacks were frequent. It came from not knowing myself or what to do with it. I felt rejected and not a complete person.
It's hard for others to understand that. I tried to explain it to different people back then and it was too hard. Back then I didn't know as much as I do today.

I've devoted a lot of time over the last year to figuring out how to explain mental health to people. It's very misunderstood and there's a stigma that needs to be banished. My husband left me a year ago and the things he said that day all lead to my mental health.

I'm a Disney fanatic. And I've been noticing different characters in different movies... Ed in The Lion King and Chicken Little are the main two that come to mind. They are projected as "crazy". They make us laugh. In Chicken Little, a little girl with her mom walks by Chicken Little and says, "look mom it's the crazy chicken!" The mom replies, "yes, crazy little chicken. stay away from the crazy chicken." This was because he had said the sky was falling so yes, it seems crazy. But the portrayal was to stay away from him because of it.
There are more I'm noticing now that I'm digging into mental health.
Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh is known for being depressed. Olaf calls Kristoff crazy when he's talking to "the rocks". 
I just watched Smallfoot. There is a character in there that literally is called crazy and it hurts him.
On FRIENDS there's an episode where Monica and Chandler are questioning a guy about being a sperm donor (John Stamos). Chandler asks if there's mental health in his family.

What's my point?
There's labels for those of us who are "crazy" and there's a negative stigma.
I've been called 'crazy', 'nutcase', 'insane', 'mental', 'nuts', 'bonkers' and more.
At times we may be scary or act like we're literally insane. But we're still people.

Mental illness is real.

Here's a sign from a mental health exhibit I went to (three times!). Notice how many of those names I was called. Also notice the original question... is there a slang word for cancer or asthma? What about diabetes?

Back to my story... After living with my parents for just a few months, I moved back home. Now that I was aware of the issue, I could work on myself a lot more. But there's only so much that I can do. 
It really can be a "two steps forward, five steps back" type of situation. 

I, again, switched therapists. I actually went to a completely different location. It was one that my husband and I could both see a person individually and then also together. 
It is VERY important to find the right person. It has to be someone you trust and can be completely open.

Things seemed to be improving... so I thought.

I felt like I, myself, was improving but our household had become toxic.
I was mentally manipulated at times and even abused with it. It's scary living with a mental illness. We can't trust our own minds and then when someone else is telling us what to do or think, or calling us names, it just makes it worse, not better.
A year ago there was an event for my husband's fire department. I had every intention in going but he told me not to. He knew it caused me anxiety and told me to stay home. I begged him to let me go and he wouldn't. He then told people there that I wasn't feeling well.
He left me crying and confused. I was supposed to be asleep by the time he got home.

For myself, my instinct is to hide and sleep. It's healthier for me to try to get out there when I'm able.
Depression, anxiety and panic are all very debilitating. They paralyze me.
So when there's a time that I feel like I could fight the anxiety, it's best to take that opportunity and use it to become stronger. 
We need the encouragement to be out with people. We can't and shouldn't hide away all the time. We need to live and learn to live with our illness.
Don't get me wrong, though! There are times that we NEED to be left alone. We NEED a break from fighting our minds and fighting for survival. But we shouldn't live in hiding... as tempting as it is. 

Right now I struggle with all of that. I want to hide away. I don't do anything around town (I'll get to that more next time).

It's been a hard journey. And dealing with divorce while trying to become stable is extra hard. There's constantly a battle.
My job helps me tons. I work 11 hours a day but that's 11 hours that I don't have to think about anything except the kids. It's exhausting but then I have evenings to sleep.

Weekends are the hardest. There's too much time alone with my thoughts.

My parents are amazing. They are learning about mental health with me. They come to my house all the time to help me. Not just for a bad day but just in general to help with different things.

I have supportive and understanding friends as well. 
That goes a long way. 

I had to switch therapists again due to the divorce and I have a new psych. 


While I'm mentioning psychs...
I want people to be okay with medication. There's nothing wrong with it as long as it's not being abused. I encourage you to find a psych you trust and a good therapist. It can be hard to find the right fit but it's so worth it.
I can list tools that may help like I did in my post about Triggers. But unless I know your situation specially, they're just suggestions. Everyone is different. Different things work for different people. Please see someone and don't just hide away.

Mental illness isn't something that can just be prayed away or something that verses can cure. DO NOT GET ME WRONG... I'm a full believer in Christ. I trust Him 100%. I have faith. IT helps just as much as the medications. 
Having anxiety, depression, panic attacks doesn't make me less of a Christian. Taking medicine doesn't make me weak. 
Someone once told me that a specific painkiller is a cure-all. That person spoke out of ignorance.. plain lack of knowledge. Pain killers don't help with anxiety or depression. There may be physically pain but it's coming from mental imbalance, not physical injury.
Just like you take medicine for a headache or diabetes or any other illness, medications for mental health is the same. Please do not think it's bad to be on medication for stability. Mental illness IS an illness and needs to be treated as such.
I heard an example of a broken leg. If your leg is broken, you aren't just going to ignore it. You'll do whatever it takes to fix it. The same is true for mental health. Do whatever it takes to be stable.

And again... I'm going to you that have a loved one with a mental illness... let them know you are okay with their medications. Help others to understand it. And really don't use it as a tool so you don't have to deal with them.

Living with mental illness can be very scary. Knowing and trusting the people that surround us make a big difference.

 I hope my story helped a little. I'll be going into more truths to help with getting rid of the negative stigma in upcoming posts.

Next time I'm going to talk about Safety.

I'm leaving here a scene from the movie Disney movie 'Moana'. It spoils the ending if you haven't seen the movie but it fits what I feel like. The anger and what defines me.

https://photos.app.goo.gl/PQVeSFCtqecugweN7

I hope the link works. 
Here's what sticks out to me... They've taken her heart and she doesn't know who she is or what defines her. Having someone understand and return her heart takes off that outer shell of anger and she feels herself again.

I've lost the "real" me. She's in there. I can feel her but it's not real yet.
The more I keep putting one foot in front of the other and looking to God, the more "ME" I'll feel.

My name is Amanda Cannon. I am not crazy. I live with borderline personality disorder.

Triggers: Mental Illness Part 2

There was that smell.
That specific smell that brought up the thoughts of my aunt and uncle's house.
It was comforting.

Have you had that happen?

I hear people say it a lot about their grandma's house.

Maybe there's a song that reminds you of someone or a certain time. Like a song you danced to with your friends while "cruisin'" or at Homecoming in High School.

These are called Triggers. 

You may or may not have labeled them. A lot of you may have said, "that triggered a memory" and not even realized that you're using the actual term.

I've been talking on Facebook about writing more about mental health in my blog. I wrote my one about Suicide in October and the initial one about Broken People in August.

Why such gaps?

It's triggers.

I even had this one written a week ago but couldn't bring myself to publish it yet because it was too hard to read through to edit it.

I thought my next one would be about Depression or Anxiety/Panic Attacks. I tried and I tried but I couldn't do it without breaking down.
Looking back to see when I first started anti-depressants and why I did, first time I went to a counselor and what led me there, or reading past posts while in the midst of discovering my mental health and seeing now what was really going on.

They were triggers.

The biggest thing is that I didn't fully understand my own mental health until I started doing more research. I started researching as an attempt to save my marriage, praying for a day that I might be able to explain it all to him.
Although that hasn't happened, I've been able to show my parents and my sisters. It's help me understand myself and how I act, feel and think, and WHY I act, feel and think that way. 
It's putting into words... well... Me.

A few months ago I was told that I needed to be in constant therapy rather than researching it.
Honestly... I'm doing both. I see a therapist once a week. I also keep in contact with my psychiatrist. That part, however, I was doing before as well. That person said it to hurt me, but it hasn't stopped me from continuing. 
I haven't had a chance to talk to my husband about anything since the day he left and I won't get a chance to explain it to the person that said those hurtful words. But researching mental health has definitely been a positive in my life.

Now, I have a very strong passion to share with others.
I'm learning from other people that they suffer or their spouse or child suffers. It's a VERY hard thing to work through. I want to help in every way possible so that other families aren't broken or struggling as much. I want to share my mental illness with everyone and anyone. I would love to start traveling and speaking on such a topic.

If you know me or follow me, you know I've had several trials (as I call them) in my life.
A constant (yes, 24/7. yes, I have one now) headache for almost 16 years, I've gone through the infertility rollercoaster, I have hip pain from a car wreck, etc. 
All of us have things in our life that push us to our ends. As I look back over my life... child, teenager, college, career.... I can see different times that my mental health affected my life. I had NO idea. We'll get into that more on other posts.

I would love to go into the big topics of Depression or Anxiety but I'm not quite there yet. I start trying and then my mind goes to "the dark place". That is what I call sliding down the slope of depression that has suicidal thoughts at the bottom. I have learned to become aware of that edge and try to stay away from even the top of that slope.

I've decided to talk about Triggers instead. Like I said in the beginning... triggers are what's stopping me from those big topics at the moment.

What does it mean in the mental health world?

Triggers are something that is seen, read or heard that causes distress. It arouses feelings or memories associated with a particular traumatic experience. It makes ALL the pain of the past (related to that trigger) seem present instead of happening months or even years ago. The pain becomes so intense to the same extent it did when that experience happened. A good example (and most well-known) is when a military person has a flashback from being overseas. I want to go into specifics of that on another post (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc) but that's the example of a trigger most people understand.

Triggers can be small, big or huge. Triggers can be expected or you could be completely blindsided.
Lately... I've been blindsided a lot.

Triggers are scary... especially the unexpected ones. Standing in Menards and suddenly having tears is not my idea of a good time. It makes me scared to go anywhere.
Seeing something I wasn't prepared for is another scary trigger.
Just like anything else, however, they need to be dealt with and not shoved under a rug. And definitely not buried so that when a bigger trigger hits, you can't avoid that slope of darkness.

How do we deal with triggers then?

First off.. let's talk about the expected ones.
It seems easy but it's not. Anytime you have to fight mentally, it's not easy.

***Sidenote: For any of you that are trying to live with or help or just want to know... Here's tip #1...
We're struggling with a constant mental battle. We don't want it to come out in the ways that it often does. But we are seriously, constantly fighting in our own minds. We don't want to live this way any more than you want to live with us. We don't want to have such negative thoughts in our heads. We aren't being lazy or angry or undependable by canceling on purpose. We hate it, too. The mental battle is draining.***

Back to expected triggers.. PLAN. That's the best advice. Plan ahead, go through the possible outcomes and give yourself possible ways to get out or away from the trigger.
I'm going to use Christmas for example. I love Christmas Carols but this year it was hard. Every year on Christmas Eve (or pretend Christmas Eve when my sisters are in town), we sing Christmas carols around the piano. I talked to my therapist about how I was afraid. So we talked plans.
1. It's okay to cry and hurt.
2. I could walk away for a bit and come back.
3. I could just go home because my family would understand.
4. I could find something in the room that could draw my mind out of the trigger.

I went with #4 but with the hurt and some tears in #1.

I couldn't bring myself to sing along. But any time my mind would wander towards the triggered memory, I would bring it back to the room by counting how many snowmen were in the room. Or how many kids were wearing red. Or how many Nativity Scenes were on the Christmas tree.

This is finding something tangible and focusing on the Now rather than the Then.

It's obviously harder the stronger the trigger.

Now.. the unexpected ones.. I have no solid advice. They are not fun and they are hard to deal with (using loose terms). I guess, just be okay with feeling the hurt. Cry it out in a safe place. BUT don't live in the pain. Feel it, deal with it, and then try to move on. WAY easier said than done.
Another suggestion is to remove yourself as quickly as possible if you're losing your mental battle. Most situations this is an okay thing to do. Safer actually. But sometimes it just plain isn't okay and you're stuck. Try.. TRY to do the tangible thing to bring you into the present. BUT deal with the emotion later.. NO BURYING!

I do in-home day care so obviously I can't just leave if an unexpected trigger happens. Depending on the intensity, I'll call my mom or sister to take my place or I'll just go right in the middle of the kids and FULLY focus on them. I don't check my phone or work on the paperwork. I move myself right into the kids. Don't think I don't play or focus on the kids as a regular thing but I'm talking about turning on music and dancing or just sitting right in the middle of the play area. If you get on the floor, it's amazing how fast kids climb on you. lol.

One of my biggest unexpected triggers happened at a concert. My friend, husband and I were supposed to see Casting Crowns at the state fair. By the time it came, we were already separated.
As my friend and I were driving there, I went through all the possible songs I could think of that may trigger my emotions. My husband loved Casting Crowns so it was something we listened to often.
I teared up on many songs but that seems to happen at any concert. At the end of the concert they ran off the stage, you know they're coming back for an "encore" but I was relieved that I had made it through.
Then the song came on. It was the ONE song I didn't think about or warn my friend.
It was a song that we had sung at church back when we first started dating. We would sing it together any time it came on the radio.
I literally dropped to my knees in tears. I wasn't hiding between the rows of chairs but I just didn't have the strength to stand. I bawled through the entire song.
That song was (and is) a huge trigger. An astronomical one. AND it was unexpected. As much as I tried to prepare, I was still hit.
I tell you that story because it does happen. It's hard for you and the loved one with you. You can't prepare for everything. Triggers of all sizes can come out of no where. It's normal. I believe it's normal for any person. But for those that struggle with a mental illness, it can be debilitating.

After these mental battles.. big or small.. I'm drained, therefore, I sleep (if possible). But I, myself, also need to be careful that I'm not using it as an escape and burying the incident. A lot of times it's my dad that forces me to stay up and not sleep. He seems to know when it's okay and needed or when it's something to fight against.

Another tool that is always there for any of us is God. In the midst of the trigger or before or after, we can look to Him. 

I posted on Facebook a while back that Jesus understood betrayal. He was betrayed. So He gets what I'm feeling. He experienced all sorts of emotions in the Garden of Gethsemane before He was arrested.

Something else I recently came to realize was that God already knows my pain and my triggers. He's not surprised when I cry out for help because I'm weak. He wants us to! He commands us to!
"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness" Matthew 6:33
This verse is in the middle of talking about worry. I highly recommend the entire chapter.
Part of the previous verse says "For your Heavenly Father knows...".

He knows!

Fear is huge when it comes to triggers.

Fear comes from Satan. He's the ultimate deceiver and tells us lies.
For someone with mental illness, this can truly be fatal.

I saw a saying "Have your FAITH be bigger than your fears".
It's so true. We need strong faith.
Does having a mental illness mean I don't have strong enough faith? NO!
Does having a mental illness make it harder to focus on faith? Yes.
It takes discipline and learning.

I have this new sign in my dining room. It says "Faith is not believing that God can. It's knowing that He will."

This doesn't mean if I have enough faith that God not only can, but will give me everything I've asked. Having faith doesn't mean you'll know what your life will look like. Having faith doesn't mean life is easy.
BUT by faith I can trust in all of God's promises. By faith I can know that He will deliver me in His own way.

I don't lie there and pray saying that God can help me. I lie there and pray knowing that He will!

It may not be when I want it to be or as quickly as I would like it to happen. But He WILL give me strength as I keep remembering to rely on Him.

Trusting God also means trusting His timing.

The third thing I've learned recently about praying is to not do all the talking. Sit and listen as well. That will be part of the healing. It's very hard!! My brain doesn't shut off but I try to focus on listening to His comforting words.

God loves you. 

Read that again... God loves YOU. Just as you are. It's one of the things I keep repeating to myself in the midst of a trigger. God loves me, He has a purpose, He WILL get me through.

Everything about prayer tells us that God WANTS a relationship with us. From the very beginning with Adam and Eve. That's the purpose. He doesn't want robots; He wants a relationship.

I feel like I've lost everything. But God is everything. And NO ONE can take that from me.


I would like you do a couple things for me.

Study Hebrews 11. Some call this the Hall of Faith. It gives us many examples of people who walked by faith. If you don't know the people it mentions, then look up their story. Yes, it'll be time consuming but worth it!
Hebrews 12:1-3 are my favorite verses. There is so much in those verses that I'll have to expound on them a different time.

The second thing I'd like you to do is read through some of the Psalms. David (who wrote a good majority of the psalms) went through many struggles. He expresses himself in a way that we can also approach God. He got depressed. He got scared. He got anxious. Read a few. You'll be encouraged. You'll see when he's almost yelling at God. You'll see when he's confessing to God. You'll see when he's been quietly listening to God. 
Psalm 55 is a good one. 

If you don't have a Bible, I constantly use the Bible app. I use it to find devotions and it's easy to read the Bible wherever I am. 

The other things I'd like you to do is listen to a couple songs for me... (okay, three).
I'm a music person. Songs take on a very special meaning. I like to really focus on the words. They can have such a great impact. I think that any song I've posted on Facebook I've made public, so you can go listen to them.

These three, however, you should look up yourself.
"Fear is a Liar" by Zach Williams
"The Breakup Song" by Francesca Battistelli
"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns


As always... please reach out to me if you want to discuss mental health, if you don't understand faith, if you want to do a Bible study together, or anything else that comes to mind.

A person that just spoke at our church said "we suffer so that we can comfort others". That's my passion.

Message me on Facebook (Amanda Cannon) or email me at the address connected with my blog (delightinlord13@gmail.com)



Remember... Triggers are normal. Triggers are hard. And Triggers are difficult to explain to others.
But they're real. It's okay to recognize them (good, in fact!). Understand them and work with them. That, in itself, can help relieve part of the mental battle.

Don't get discouraged. 

One Saturday I was doing great then one.. just one fleeting thought.. sent me back to bed. It happens! With mental health, I think it will always be a part of our lives. Be encouraged that there are others out there struggling as well.

More than likely this post was a trigger. I'm praying for you. I'm praying for the ones who are walking this road with you. Please try to use the tools I have suggested or maybe some that you have figured out on your own.

You are not alone.