Did any of you accept my challenge in my last post? (1000 things to be thankful for)
It was hard, wasn't it? I'll admit that I only got to about 200. But I learned something in the process.
Actually.. I learned a couple things.
1. There are so many things in my life that I take for granted. Breathing is one.
Another one is heat. I've been reading a lot of novels set in the 1800s. Think about their winters and how they couldn't just come in from the cold and feel a warm house, they had to start a fire and wait for it to get them warm.
Our new van has heated seats. I can't wait to get that thing warm! How much do I appreciate it?
Those people traveled in wagons or walked. Sometimes it was easier in a sleigh because of the runners but so much colder because they were in the wind more.
One book talked about how they used dried cow pies as fuel in the fire. Can you imagine going out and gathering dried cow pies? Ugh!!
I hate the cold and I'm not fond of winter so I am really thankful for heat!!
There's so many more things that I take for granted and writing them down and focusing on all of our blessings helped put a lot of things into perspective.
2. The other thing I learned that really sticks out to me is how it was hard to write what I'm thankful for about some people. Sounds horrible, right? There's a lot of people I'm thankful for but why? Is it just because they're a day care parent, for example, or is there something special about them?
No, I didn't just list every single person I've ever met in my life and tried to be thankful for them but there's certain people that are a big part of my life that I enjoyed trying to find something worthwhile. Although I'll admit it was the case for some, it wasn't always because the person might get on my nerves more often than not. For some I felt like I take their presence for granted.
For example, my uncle Ron. I love him and would be devastated if he passed away but what specifically am I thankful for with him? For other people certain things stick out like their generosity, sense of humor, strength in trials, their faith, etc. For Ron, nothing big stuck out, he's not a dominate personality.. especially when all of us are together. He's the most quiet! But I AM thankful for him in my life. Just because he's married to my aunt? No. That's not it.
So why? What am I thankful for?
I'm thankful that he genuinely cares, that if I sit down in the room where he's reading, he'll set his book down and talk. I'm thankful that he's easy to talk to. I'm thankful that he adds a different sense of humor to our group. :)
That was just an example of REALLY thinking about people in my life and what I appreciate about them. It was good for me.
Now we're fully into the Christmas season.
This time of year is hard for me. I always loved it as a kid and even young adulthood. It wasn't the presents as much as getting together with family. Really, that is what I loved (and still do).
When I think about Christmases years ago that is the first thing that comes to mind. Both sets of grandparents, great-aunt and great-uncle, aunt and uncle, parents, and sisters gathering around the dining room table enjoying Christmas dinner together. On the Cannon side, we were the only kids but we enjoyed the adults. Too many of those people have passed away now.
On the Stowell side, we had six cousins. It was also a fun day to spend with them on the Saturday before Christmas.
After Thanksgiving, we'd decorate the Christmas tree as a family. We'd have music playing and for the most part our own ornaments to put on. Then we'd put other decorations around the house. At the end, we'd sit and have hot chocolate.
Another tradition of ours was to get together with another family and go drive around looking at Christmas lights. We'd ooh and ahh over the different looks on houses. There was one house where we'd actually stop and roll down the window to hear soft Christmas music playing.
Some of that I still enjoy like Christmas songs, Christmas movies and Christmas baking. We still get together with as much family as possible and my husband and I drove around last night looking at lights.
Some people have passed on but obviously our family has grown as well. The general things we like to do are still done. So why has my feelings toward the holiday changed?
I've been really pondering that this year.
I honestly don't think I've handled the transition from "child" to "adult" very well... as far as Christmas planning. The whole season stresses me out. Things that I enjoyed before stress me out now.
Buying gifts, decorating the tree, going to Grandma's, wrapping gifts, etc all stress me out now and I have to TRY to enjoy them. I know that part of that is the fact that I have more responsibility with all of those things. I have to be the one that plans out when to do all the things that need to get done.
My grandma's Christmas just stresses me because my grandma is going downhill. I don't want to go into detail on here but I have a very real fear that this will be the last Christmas with her.. if not physically, probably mentally. I could be wrong but that's my fear and how I'm treating this Christmas with her.
Another thing I've noticed about myself is that although I've learned to manage my headache, I've seemed to go backwards on handling stress. Part of that is my health. More and more of my health problems become worse with stress and that alone stresses me out!
Last Christmas season I was a scrooge and it really bothered me that I was. This Christmas season I've been more focused on staying calm and trying to get things done in advance. I've had Christmas shopping done for a month now! And they're all wrapped!
Over the past year though, I've had new symptoms to deal with and I've noticed that I'm getting more and more emotional. I can honestly say I'm worn out on fighting pain and feel tired all the time. I feel like any energy I expend is forced and I feel even more tired after the fact. So even though I'm ahead of the game in so many ways, I'm still struggling with keeping the stress down. I'm not a grinch, I don't think, but definitely emotional.
In the last few weeks I've heard more than once someone say "I don't want this to make your health worse" or "You need to NOT do that because of your health". And it doesn't come from just the same person or even the same two people. That alone makes me tear up. My health right now IS controlling my life. Every day I make decisions based on my health.
I used to push through a lot of it but I physically am not able to anymore.
Over Thanksgiving I did push myself. As I mentioned in my last post, I love Black Friday shopping with my sisters and Mom. I loved that all my sisters were able to come this year! But I spent so much of that day fighting pain; pushing myself to keep going. There was one point that I sat on the floor in Family Christian Store wanting to curl up and just cry.
Since I was a scrooge last year, I tried to not let it affect how I treated the others. I tried to stay calm and have patience. All three of my sisters aren't as decisive as me and if I'm not feeling well or really tired, I end up getting frustrated with them. This year I didn't! (at least I don't feel like I did. I hope they agree!)
This year is especially trying. We have the "regular" Christmas stuff, plus my health, plus my Grandma, plus future decisions we need to make.
I don't want to be a grinch and want only happy memories when January comes.
I'm mindful of my stress level and health.
Then we add my Grandma to the mix. I KNOW that what's going on with her affects my health directly because I hate seeing her like this. I hate the situations that come up with her because I love her so much. People around town may ask me about her and I want to just cry. It's hard. Very hard.
My husband and I also have some big things on our minds and hearts. We're trying to make decisions about houses and jobs. It wears on us. We pray and there doesn't seem to be any real peace or doors open. So we wait. We research and look and then wait some more. Please pray for us.
Actually, now that I think of it. I'm probably handling this season fairly well (all things considering). I'm not bursting with happiness and the "Christmas spirit" like when I was younger but I'm also not angry or grumpy like I have been the last couple of years.
I love to hang out with my family and be around them as much as possible even if I come home and cry from exhaustion.
Again, there's so much to be thankful for. There's so much to focus on this time of year besides our own sorrow and stress.
God sent His Son to this earth. He came from all the heavenly glory to be a baby. Not in a palace or a mansion but to be raised as a carpenter's son. He wasn't treated kindly here for the most part.
He was born once so that we can be born again!
What does that mean?
We all have a physical birth. We also all need to have a spiritual birth. We need to accept Christ as our personal Savior. We need to see that He was born to die for us. He took all of our sins (past, present and future) and died. It's His gift to us. Just as we accept gifts from others, we need to accept this gift as well. I can't imagine a better gift or one that shows nearly as much love!
It's not just a "yes I believe He did that." But it needs to be personal.
There was something that struck me a few months ago. Someone mentioned how Jesus took God's wrath so that we didn't have to. It made me think of my dad. When my dad yelled at one of my sisters, there was nothing that you could do that would make me say "yell at me instead!". But that's what Jesus did. He took the punishment that was ours. Personally.
He took my personal punishment upon Himself and died!
Christmas season really brings us to the cross. His birth is amazing and miraculous and oh so humbling! But He only needed to be born so that He could die. Wow!
Enjoy this season. No matter what is going on in your life. No matter the troubles that face you or pain the season can cause. There is so much joy and comfort in the fact that He came to Earth for us.
Make sure that you also don't get so caught up in the presents and parties that you forget Jesus.
HE's the ONLY reason for the season.
