I have a dream.
As most of you know, I long to be a mother. A mother not just to my step-sons but to my very own children. I would love it if it were twins. I've always wanted twins. But let's not even focus on that point. Let's just think about how I'd love to be a mother.
Yes, when my step-sons are here. I am a mother but it's a different kind. Both of them still have their mothers in their lives so I'll always be behind her (as it should be).
I may say "What kind of birthday cake do you want me to make?" I can get the answer "My mom is making a fireman one." I take a deep breath and say "Okay... what would you like me to make?"
Or I may say "I got a new movie that I think you'll like. Should we watch it tonight?" The answer I might get is "Oh, I saw that with my mom. It's good. Yeah, let's watch it."
Both of those scenarios are real. And I know that both boys did not do it on purpose because honestly, they probably don't even know what it does inside of me. AND in both cases, we did end up doing what I'd like to.. I made a fireman cake and we watched the movie.. I just had to go through remembering that I am not their "first" mom first.
Don't get me wrong. I love both of my boys. We have so much fun together and my relationship with each of them has grown so much. If God doesn't have plans for us to have children, I'll be very content helping raise these two.
So what's my point? Where am I going?
I had an analogy pop into my head the other day that I'd like to share.
There's a toy that we got for Christmas one year. We weren't really kids anymore but my mom tended to put fun things in our stockings until the grandkids were born. This one particular toy was a Water Wiggler Toy.
It's hard to describe when you can't see my hand gestures (haha) so here's a link for them.
http://www.partypalooza.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=WaterWiggler
It's a toy with water in them and you can't hang onto them very well. In fact here's the description from that website "Just try to keep these things in your hand! They wiggle and slither - terrific fun for all ages! "
Picture this toy as YOUR dream. Think of something you've always wanted or have dreamt about. This isn't just an analogy for me but for all of us.
If you have the toy vertical in your hands and you're trying to squeeze it, it'll just keep falling through your hands. You'll drop it. There is NO way to squeeze onto the toy so that it won't fall.
Your dream is the same way. The harder we squeeze to hang onto it. The more likely our dream will fall to our feet. We can't hang onto it so tightly.
Now let's make the toy lie horizontal across both palms. Okay... we steady it, we don't move... Yes! We got it to stay put. The water is settled and not sloshing back and forth! Uh oh... I'm hungry. How do I eat and not drop this toy? How can I do anything without putting the toy down?
Alright, we have our dream lying carefully in our hands. We aren't squeezing it as we know that it's fragile. But where's our focus? Our focus is on keeping that dream in OUR hands. We want to keep it in our lives. And with balancing it there, we aren't able to do anything else. God wants us serving and we can't do that if we're holding onto our dream.
What's next? What's the solution?
We have to give the dream to God. We have to pray and say, "God, this is my dream. This is what I desire. You know my heart and thoughts. I give my dream to You. Can you hang onto it for me? I'll serve You with my hands free. I'll do as You ask. And when the time comes that You can give me my dream, I'll be ready without having wasted time. If you chose not to give it back, please help me with that as well."
Give the toy to God.
We HAVE to let Him be in charge. So many of us have the head knowledge that God does what is best for us. But a lot of us have a hard time taking it to heart.
The last part of the prayer is the hardest, I think. When we give God our "toy" we need to not look over our shoulder to see if He's put it on the shelf or if He still has it in His hand as if our dream will come true soon.
Maybe He'll even put it in a trunk, never to come out.
We don't know. The point is that we can't be worried about will my dream come true? Has He closed the door? Is He saying yes, no or maybe?
Our focus needs to be on serving Him now. In the way He has for us now. We have to TRUST Him with our dreams.
God does know our hearts. God does what is the best for us. He's not there keeping our dreams away from us on purpose.
It's hard. I KNOW it's hard to live life not wondering about if our dreams will come true.
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 34. (gulp)
It hit me that if I'm not pregnant by January/February, I'll be over 35 when I have a kid... IF I have a kid. That was hard for me to swallow.
Then I remembered my analogy. It's not in my hands. My hands are busy doing other things for Him.
Earlier in this post I said "If God doesn't have plans for us to have children, I'll be very content helping raise these two." Does that sound like I have the right attitude? Some may say yes and others may see where I'm going.
That sentence is saying that IF I find out that God won't allow children, THEN I'll be content.
I need to be content now. I need to be okay with the fact that I'm not a mother to my own children right now.
It's hard. I'm not saying it's easy. But it's the right thing to do.
I don't think God is a vindictive God. But maybe He's waiting for us to get some things done first. Maybe there is some way to serve Him now that won't be possible or as easy once a dream comes true. We don't know.
Here's the next thing.
What if God closes that door for your dream completely?
I'm not there yet. If you've read my other posts, you've seen that I've seen the door shutting but it's not latched yet.
I've seen very bitter people because they're still squeezing their dream and God's saying no. If you think you're one of those, I ask you to open yourself up to other possibilities. In Sound of Music the mother of the Abbey says "When God closes a door, He opens a window." (I'm horrible at quoting movies, so that's a paraphrase.)
God wants all of us serving Him in some way. Sometimes that can be a lower scale of your dream. For example, I want kids, I serve in the Sunday School and used to be in charge of the nursery.
But there's a possibility that God wants you to do something completely different. Don't force your dream into a "I'm serving Him" unless it 100% feels like He's guiding You. I've seen people say "this is my gift so this is how I'll serve Him." They don't look around to see what areas need help. Or where they possibly can serve Him better.
All of that gets very complicated and it'd be easier to describe if I knew all of your dreams and how you're dealing with them.
I just ask you to analyze yourself. Analyze your heart and mind. Are you hanging onto your dream tightly? Are you balancing it in your hands, living life around holding onto your dream? Or have you given it to God? And again, not just given it to Him but purposely not looking over your shoulder either.
This is DAILY. It's so hard to keep it right all the time. So don't get discouraged. Just pick yourself up again and give it back to Him.
I have a dream.... but God's in control of it.
