I am weak physically, emotionally, mentally and yes... even spiritually.
I don't feel good. My headache isn't great. I'm on three medications that all make me tired. I'm doing physical therapy that is pushing me to my limits. And at the moment I'm starting my cycle.
A few weeks ago I was hit with the idea of being used in weakness. Not after it's over and not while I'm feeling strong. But actually IN the weakness. So I'm writing today to show you that I'm human, that I also struggle on a number of levels.
The whole point of my blog is to encourage and convict through my experiences. (read my first post if you haven't yet)
Each post has been something that I feel God has put on my heart to share.
I'm sure this one is no different but God feels far away. I realize that that is my fault however.
I know 9 years ago when my headache started I was frustrated and struggled but it didn't last long. I fully learned to lean on God and knew that I was going through all this for Him. I knew that someday He'd use the lessons I learned and I felt closer to Him.
Over the last 4 months, my health has gotten worse. I'm dealing with doctors, tests, medical bills and everything all over again. And I'll admit.. I'm angry!!!!
I'm very bitter, angry, frustrated... and it's pointed at God.
I have days where I have my head on straight and I apologize to Him and I get it right and focus on the right things. But I want to be completely honest with you in this post. Those days are rare and it's usually after my fiance yells at me showing me that I'm wrong in my attitude.
On a daily basis, I fake life. I smile. Laugh. And appear to be handling things okay.
Inside I'm mad. I want to yell. Scream. And just want to lay in bed until it's over.
I've always claimed to be an open person but I'll admit that I'm not when it comes to confessing my struggles to others. This whole post is hard for me.
People deal with struggles in life all differently. Some people vent openly on the internet telling anybody their every struggle in life. Some people vent to real people but to every person they talk to. And some, like myself, try to handle it on my own. I may vent to my fiance and my best friend but mostly I keep it inside until there's too much there and it all comes out... in a very negative way usually.
None of these are good practices, I think. All of us need to go to God first! Then our spouse. Then if we need sound advice, we (as a marital team) could go to one or two people. Even then I don't believe it should be every little thing. I think there's a certain level of discretion that needs to be in place when it comes to sharing our lives. Even in this post, I'm being honest and open but not telling you every detail or even every wrong done to me. God knows and I think He wants us to keep certain things private in our relationships.
We've been going through the book of Job on Wednesday nights at my church. I swear to you that it's just for me. We probably started it in Feb so just a month after I started dealing with worse headaches and going through all this other stuff. One speaker in particular convicts me every time he speaks. One time he said "if you think you've got it bad, think of Job" My fiance uses that one against me too!I need it though.
I get caught up in the why am I going through this? Why isn't it almost over rather than getting worse? Why is HE doing this to me?
I have always had anger issues. I've had a temper for as long as I can remember. But right now I'm a bomb. I'm so bitter with life that the littlest things bother me and big things make me explode. Unfortunately, I've trained myself to keep it in and it typically comes out on my fiance. I honestly am amazed that he still wants to marry me. I'm not the person he started dating or fell in love with.
My best girlfriend and I always joke about how there is always something that I have to deal with. It could range from my passport being wrong to our honeymoon flight being cancelled to a store being closed when I need it open to my daycare sink exploding and causing a major mess. All of these things have happened (plus more!) over the last few months. I used to be able to handle them. I could take them in stride and I could even laugh it off.
Not now.
Right now EVERYTHING is a big deal. Everything sends me to the roof. Everything causes me so much stress that I don't sleep and I get sick. And if it's a person who has done me wrong, get out of my way! I have to literally bite my tongue. There may be times that I have every right to be frustrated with what they did to me but I need to not sin in my anger and definitely not hold onto it!
You know what I realized this morning?
More than likely, until I learn to look to God and ask for His help rather than blaming Him, He's going to keep allowing things to happen. Why wouldn't He?
I'm not saying He's punishing me. But when I'm not looking for His help, why would He help? If I'm pushing Him out of my life, I know He's not the type to push His way back in. He WANTS to be there but He won't force Himself on me. He doesn't force Himself on anybody.
If you don't know God, please ask me about it. I need Him in my life. We all do. Yes, I'm struggling right now but I know He's still there loving me. If you don't know Him personally, ask me how to do so. If you don't think you need Him, ask me why you do. That is the first step we all must take.
(my email is delightinlord@hotmail.com)
My heart is already starting to soften.
I have really been offending my fiance lately. Not by blaming things on him or yelling at him. But by not having the faith in God that I should have. He accepted Christ as his personal Savior just three years ago. He's a baby Christian.
Luke 7:47 says "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little." (NIV)
This verse reminds me of my fiance and I. His life has turned an 180. There is a big distinction between his life before Christ and his life after. He knows exactly what he's been forgiven of. He knows where he's been and what he's been saved from. I, on the other hand, do not have two lives so to speak. I grew up in the church. Although I had to have a point of salvation, I don't have a before Christ life and an after Christ life.
My fiance shows his love for Christ so well because he has been forgiven of a lot. He gets offended by my weak faith and my anger towards God. And he should be! I'm in the wrong!
A month ago I led the ladies' Bible study we do at the church. This verse was mentioned and I made the point that we (who were raised knowing Christ) should NOT love Him less just because we are forgiven less. We're all forgiven of all sins.. the ones we've done and the ones we will do. Can I even suggest that we've been saved from committing certain sins because God blessed us by the family we were born into? I should stop and be thankful for that fact alone!!!
I again tell you that this post is to show you that I'm weak. Today is Sunday. I don't feel good and therefore am not at the first meeting of our church. If my medicine kicks in and God gives me strength, I'll go to the second meeting. My first order of business though is to get right with Him. I need to apologize, again, and let go. I need to give it ALL to Him. I need to stop trying to have control and let things be out of control. I know He'll make things right.
I'm not saying my headache will magically disappear or I'll have energy. I'm not saying that I'll feel good at all. Physically, I may be weak for the rest of my life.
Mentally, emotionally and definitely Spiritually I need to start making sure that I find strength in God. He is not my enemy. Satan is. And Satan has been winning for a long time.
I will not be perfect. I will not be strong everyday.
Right now I have the occasional day where my heart is right and I have a positive outlook on life. I need to switch that. I need to have the occasional bad day (if any). Most of my days should be dependent on God and leaning on Him.
My other posts have mostly been written on Spiritual good days. This one isn't but it needs to be the rarity.
I was not only blessed by being raised in a multi-generational Christian home but also a multi-generational musical home. Music is a big part of our lives. I constantly have songs going through my head. In fact, after High School I decided to not listen to secular (non-Christian) music. One reason is because I don't need worldly lyrics running through my mind. Secondly, I often am singing to myself and don't know that it's out loud. I want to watch what comes out of my mouth and KNOW that it's glorifying to God.
A lot of times I think God puts a song in my mind to remind me of His strength, power and His control.
The song that has been going through my mind as I write this is Casting Crowns' song "In Me." The chorus says "Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong. When I'm blind You shine Your light on me. Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability. How refreshing to know You don't need me. How amazing to find that you want me. So I'll stand on Your truth, and I'll fight with Your strength until You bring the victory. By the power of Christ in me."
I have the power in me to beat the mental battle I'm going through. The mental battle is actually a spiritual battle and if I beat it, I'll emotionally be okay too. Because if I beat the battle, it's really Christ beating Satan. It's really me turning all control over to God. It's letting Him be the God that He is meant to be.
Just a week ago, I decided to use my Bible app on my phone. I looked up some reading plans. One I'm reading right now is Joyce Meyer: Promises for Your Everyday Life. Two days ago her opening line was "I believe every time we feel frustration, it means we've really stopped relying on God."
She might as well have been here and hit be between the eyes.
I'm struggling and I'm weak. But I'm trying to get it right by letting go and letting God.
Please pray for me and I'll go read my Bible.
