Safety: Mental Illness Part 4

I've been working on this post for a little over two months now. It's been a tough one to write but I think it's important.

So let me start with this question... Do you feel safe?

I mean think about it... Do you truly feel safe?

Are you safe at home? Do you feel like someone could come in and take away your belongings?

Do you feel safe in different parts of your town or city? Do you feel safe when you're traveling?

What makes you feel safe?

I do things to insure that I'm as safe as possible.

But here's something I want you to ponder....

Do you feel safe in your own mind?

Let me clarify.
Do you trust your mind? Does your mind feel safe to you?

These questions sound ridiculous to anyone who does not deal with mental illness.

This is something that just began to ring true a couple months ago. Something that I hadn't fully realized or grasped myself.

I know mental illness is a very hard thing to understand for those that don't deal with it themselves. It's hard to understand why I do and don't do certain things.
My actions are in correlation to what's happening inside of me. 


Most of you don't know the way it feels inside. The way I can't trust my mind. The way my mind can be manipulated by an outside person's actions or words.

Now that is scary!

You can think of it as hypnotism but it's so much scarier because it's real life and no snapping out of it. I have to battle within my own head.

I don't feel safe. I don't trust my brain.


Two months ago I was in Colorado for a funeral. Something happened that affected my whole being. Someone sent me a text that disrupted everything. I became depressed, panicked, full of anxiety. I couldn't bring myself to go meet with the family so I stayed in the hotel.
That night I took action to stop the manipulation. I did what I could on my end to keep me safe on a mental level.
I'm not talking about safety from suicide. I'm talking safety in my own mind.
Conflicting truths about myself... what am I being told and what is truth?
I took action that stopped the wrong voices getting to me... at least the voices from actual people.
My mind has voices that tell me lies.. like I'm not lovable, I'm broken, damaged, etc. 

The next day at the funeral I was feeling better. The action I had taken made me have a sense of safety. That person could no longer manipulate me in that way.
After the funeral I talked to one of my second cousins that I just met. Talking with him for over two hours built my confidence and was so helpful. God put him there and coordinated the entire timing so that we were able to get to know each other in this way. He encouraged me in so many ways and about so many different things.

My therapist asked what was so significant. I had to think about it...
I felt like a person. I didn't feel like a problem needing fixed. I didn't feel like a crazy, anxiety-filled animal. I didn't feel like a depressed wilting flower.

I felt like a person!

The action I had taken the night before and the talk I had with my cousin became huge break-throughs for me. I felt safe.
I could easily fight negative thoughts by thinking of the positives.
I wasn't scared of people attacking me mentally.

Something happened the next week that took it away though.
This is why I wanted to bring this up now.

Mental safety comes and goes. And to be completely blunt... it sucks!!
No one is trying to mentally manipulate me anymore. Well... not in the same way, anyway. It's different actions not words. 
But with each of these actions, my own mind is failing me. It's backstabbing me so to speak.

My parents' house was my safety house outside of my own. It no longer is. He lives too close and it's so beyond painful. I won't stop going there but each time it's a true battle within me. I want to run away but I can't.
My mind fights against me.
I don't go around town out of fear and wanting to protect myself.. to be safe.

It's not just a battle of truth vs lies.
It's a battle of where my value comes from. It's a battle of focusing on what's in front of me and not thinking about other things happening. It's a battle of lovable vs rejection.

Rejection and feelings of abandonment are huge parts of borderline personality disorder.
I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (in case you didn't read my last post).
It's a label that my husband and I ignored. I worked on trying to handle stress and anger but never really dug into WHY I did certain things. I wish we had.
I'm still finding out things I did three years ago that I don't remember or didn't realize. I hurt people I love and I wish I could change it all. I want to correct everything from three years ago... with not only my husband and step sons, but sisters, nieces and nephews, former in-laws, etc.

Knowing what I know now explains so much. It doesn't excuse everything but it seriously has made different situations so clear. I wish I could tell him.


Here's a conversation I just had with my best friend a week ago...
Me: "I wish he would read about my disorder. But would it make a difference? I try to remind myself that 'he' doesn't exist."
Her: "Well, he does exist. He's just not in your world anymore. He's not a part of you. Why do you feel like you need him to read about your disorder?"
Me: "Because I'm trying to reach him... the real him. If you think he exists, then I want to keep pricking at him. The way he reacted to seeing you shows he knows he's done wrong."
Her: "I think it's because you still have hope you can change his mind. That he will want you back."
Me: "You're exactly right"
Her: "The guy that left you isn't the guy that married you. You feel like you can find the good guy. You are trying to reach the good one. Right? 
"I think you feel so guilty about the mental health part that all the actions and feelings you had because of your illness drove him away. That this is all your fault. You're wanting to fix it, because it's your fault and you want to 'educate' him so he will come back. Is that kinda it? You want a chance to 'right your wrongs'."
Me: "Yes. Nailed it"
Her: "Tell me how your new story begins. Life without him, life after divorce, life while battling a disease. How do you start over?... better yet.. How are you starting over.. Not how will you or how do you. Cause you already are."
Me: "I don't know."
Her: "How about acceptance. Accepting what's gone. I think you have finally accepted mental illness is real and that it's not your fault. And you're not a sucky person. That's one huge postive because I saw you struggling to accept/admit something was wrong."
Me: "Yeah, I get it. We ignored the diagnosis and that's why I want him to get it"
Her: "But he doesn't matter right now. You have to focus on yourself. This is such a HUGE tragedy in your life. It's upset your life in every way it possibly could. You have to make sure you are safe."
(KEY WORDS!!!... make sure you are safe.)
Me: "How do I do that beyond never being around town.. which I'm already doing."
Her: "You have to take care of YOU! If/when he ever wants to take a real good look at himself and your marriage, you can show him the way but he's so completely self-absorbed right now, it won't matter one bit."
Me: "How do I take care of me?"
Her: "You're doing it. Slowly but surely. You got yourself out of here when necessary.. even being uncomfortable. You did it!... For you! For your security and sanity! You have to have boundaries. People know you are willing to help. They lean on you, but you have to keep yourself safe. And YOU COME FIRST... even over your family (sisters, cousins, aunts, church elders, etc)."

See... I don't have all the answers. It's a learning thing. But safety IS important!

I've started to protect myself by thinking of my mind as a two-story house. There's a major trust issue with people. So I picture the person coming into my house. Would I let them in? Would they be allowed upstairs? Are they allowed in my most private space?
There are less than a handful that are allowed in my "bedroom". A few more are allowed in the "upstairs". A decent size (but not huge) are allowed in "my house". Yes, there are some only allowed on "the porch" and several not even allowed in "the fence". There's two people I've had to place out there and it hurts. But, again, safety is important. 

Understanding your mental illness (or your love one's) is a major part in understanding how to be safe.
Several times this week it has been brought up that unfortunately I'm learning about my mental illness at the same time as going through the divorce. It makes it all a lot harder and a longer process.
My psych said that typically someone going through divorce goes through the grieving process but I'm living IN it and not moving.

Since rejection and abandonment are so huge, I just realized that I don't live with knowing my husband left me.. but instead it's a daily rejection. Every day he's choosing to not be with me. That gets stuck in my mind. That's the whole lovable vs rejection thing.
It's a horrible feeling to know my mind can be so against me.
For me it's worse because I dream... I sleepwalk, sleep talk, sleep text, sleep eat, sleep online shop, sleep throw up.... my mind is always on.
With my headache, Mayo Clinic said I have a "sensitive brain" because I also get motion sickness easily, ice cream headaches, etc. 

The evenings and sleeping is the worst. 

This is how I sleep. In between all those pillows and the silver blanket is a weighted blanket for panic and anxiety. He used to be very helpful with my night panics. I now also have a penguin that I call Panic Penguin. I hold him against my chest. Yes, 39 years old and sleeping with a stuffed animal.

This mental fear and battle is something I wish I would have realized years ago.

Nevertheless, it's a battle.
One I sometimes lose. And one I sometimes win.

My therapist and I discussed that I'm living in quicksand. God provides the bridge to get out but I'm stuck. I'm working on getting out of the quicksand and then moving away from the entire sand pit. If I'm just sitting there, nothing will change. My world will always be just as it is... scary and lonely.

We've been talking about the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17)

I have this picture hanging to remind myself of the peace and calm the armor can bring.

(Ironically this comes after talking about wives submitting to husbands, husbands loving their wives like Christ loves, children obeying parents and slaves obedient to masters)

This armor is to protect us from the evil that wants to break all of those commitments. 

Verse 12.. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places."

This armor isn't just for those commitments mentioned but also, for me, to fight against mental battles that Satan wants to inflict on me.

This armor not only protects me but also gives me confidence to go out.

I want to always feel safe. I want to be surrounded by people that my mind feels safe with. It's relaxing and calm. It's a protective barrier.
I can't stress to you how hard this is. If you have a loved one going through this, please let them know you're there. Don't try to "fix it" but just help them by loving them.

If you are the person feeling unsafe, you are not alone. There are many of us.

I hope it happens again someday... that feeling of safety I had momentarily in Colorado. I think as I grow stronger in my journey, it will.
Tasting it gives me such encouragement to keep pushing towards that goal.

If there's events or specific dates coming that I know could cause me to feel unsafe, I work through my thoughts and feelings. I picture myself in that place or on that day. Then I come up with a plan. Plans help keep the safety stay as the event approaches. 

Each of us is different. My safety looks different than others. I know my triggers (read my triggers post) and I know how to read my body now. I can tell if I'm getting tense, panicked, emotional, etc.
Your body tells you, too. Just start paying attention to it.

I know in my head that my value is in God. He loves me. He created me in my unique, special way. No matter how I mess up, He'll never leave me.
I KNOW that.. but it's when the other incidents or negatives occur.
My mind fights me and sends me to a negative place.

Like I said... it's hard to understand if you don't deal with it. So be patient with us. Having a mind that constantly wants to betray you is scary and lonely.

I hope this was encouraging to those of you that struggle. Keeping your mind safe and setting up those boundaries is just as important as being physically safe.

Be alert. Know your surroundings. Be prepared. Have a plan.

Those things work for both mental and physical safety. Use them!

(if you ever want to talk or have questions, email me delightinlord13@gmail.com)

I'm praying for you.