I received a card on Monday from an unexpected source. It was very encouraging and got me to thinking about something.
So often when I'm waiting for the next step of my doctoring or when I've heard some scary possibilities, I keep it to myself until I know the answers. My reasoning is that I don't want all of you scared for me. But as I read this card from a long distance relative, I realized instead that a lot of you are praying for me. A lot of you care and want to be with me on my journey.
A month ago I told you that I was having a stomach scope done. The procedure went well. The doctor said that he didn't see anything major going on but thinks my esophagus spasms. He put me on medicine for that.
I went back to my regular doctor to find out his thoughts after seeing all these specialists. He was pleased with most of what I found out and what medicine I was on. He didn't like the fact that I've been more nauseous lately and one more thing..
As he was looking through all that the other people did, he saw the blood work results. One of them was a positive result. He put his head down and shook it. He said "you're going to hate me."
This doctor genuinely cares. I can tell that he really just wants me to feel better.
He told me about the positive test and what the possibilities were. It could be nothing! BUT it could be something pretty big, too.
I don't want to tell you the options for a couple reasons.. 1. I really don't want you all to worry. 2. I honestly don't like hearing about diseases. I never look them up on the internet or anything. My own thoughts are hard enough to deal with, I'm afraid one of you possibly will say something I hadn't thought of and get me more worried. I know that none of you would do that on purpose but from experience, I know how sometimes we as people try to encourage and say things that cause another to worry. :)
None of the diseases are fatal so that should bring us all comfort.
My doctor said that he wants it to be nothing and he's tempted to ignore it but the possibilities of what it could be are too big to wait. IF I have one of those things, I need to know about it now.
Again, it could be nothing.
I see a rheumatologist next Tuesday.
Can I be honest with you?
I am struggling.
It was a month ago that I heard all this news. The doctor told me to enjoy my vacation and not worry. I actually did pretty well! Sure I didn't feel well most days (one day especially was horrible) but overall I did really have fun on vacation and wasn't worried about the future.
Now that I'm home, it's a different story. I'm just waiting for that appointment and so my mind wanders.
School started this week so with fewer kids, I have even more time for things to run through my mind.
Yesterday was really tough for some reason. I had only one daycare kid so it was very quiet around here. And since she's new, she doesn't really like it when I go to clean something or I'm away from her. To add to it, my dog had surgery. If you don't have a pet, you won't understand why that affects anything. But some of you will understand how that can also be an emotional time.
(He has cancer. They removed the spot without problem (although it was iffy at first). And I heard he's doing well. I'll get him back this afternoon)
I'm going to admit to you my biggest fear. I know that fear is lack of faith and I keep reminding myself that God is in control and His will is best.
My biggest fear is not that I may have a disease. It's that I'll hear these words "with this disease and your age, you should not have children. Your body couldn't handle it."
I keep telling myself to not worry about it. But it's so hard when I sit and watch daycare kids and think about what my kids would look like. Or when I'm around my best friend's son (he's at my favorite age), his personality is just coming out and I love it! I wonder what personality my kids would have.
It makes it harder when I think about that this is something in my blood. It's different when they think it could be something because of my symptoms. This time something is really there to check out.
I can't think about it. Like I said, God is in control and His way is best. If He doesn't want me to have my own children, He will help me to be okay with that. He'll help me turn my focus completely on helping raise all these other children in my life.
Today is better than yesterday. ;)
Overall, I'm feeling okay. I still get short of breath but the constant pressure is gone. The two medications I'm on have to be taken before I eat and I find it really hard to remember before every meal. The sharp pain still comes but not as often. I'm learning how to manage it. I'm thankful for that.
My energy level is still really low and I get nausea fairly often.
I'm praying for answers. I'm praying that someday I'll know what it feels like to have no pain. I'm praying that once again I'll be able to play with my step-sons outside.
My 5 year old step-son brought me up for prayer in Sunday school. I was pretty bad this last Sunday.
Not only did he want me better that day but said "I want her to not have any pain next time I come." That's Labor Day weekend.
All things are possible with God.
Thanks again for your prayers and being on this journey with me. I know that so many of you have concerns and also want me to know what it feels like to be pain-free.
I think a lot of you see my blog through my sister on Facebook. (Thanks Laura!)
Feel free to check directly with this website (you can become a follower). You can also feel free to repost it, as my sister does.
If you'd like me to email you when I do post, let me know. My email for this blog is delightinlord@hotmail.com.
I'm sorry I'm not more regular with it.
My next appointment is Tuesday and then I see my regular guy again on Thursday. I'll probably wait until after both of those before updating you.
PLEASE let me know if you want to know things directly.
