If you are following my YouTube channel as well as my blog, I want to let you know that this topic is split into three videos on YouTube. I don't want the videos to be too long but for a blog it's easier to write it all at once. 😄
I am not an expert in mental health. I have a minor in counseling and I've taken some Master course classes. A lot of my knowledge comes from personal experience, experiences of friends and research I've done on my own. It's basically a combination of all of those things.
When I start talking about my mental health story, I recall times in my past where my mental illness played a part in the situation. But back then I didn't know anything about it. I'm actually not positive on the timeline of how I learned about myself.
I think I first saw a counselor when we were trying to get rid of my headache. I've had a constant, 24/7, headache for 19 years. I've tried basically everything and we still don't know the cause. At one point, we thought maybe I needed to see a counselor because the year prior to my headache starting, our family had seven family deaths. From the month of May to November that year we lost my step-grandma, my grandpa, an uncle, two great-uncles on my mom's side and one great-uncle on my dad's side. The seventh was my sister's miscarriage. My headache started the following February. I saw the counselor for a while but to no avail.
The next time I started seeing a counselor was when I found out for certain that I could not have kids of my own. I started anti-depressants at that time as well. I honestly thought that this would be short-time until I accepted the fact that I would never be a mom.
In my post about Hope, I mentioned having a thorough assessment done. My memory tells me that was also to try to help my headache but I'm not certain at this point. No matter the reason, what we found out that day was significant. I had clinical depression and only the fact that my faith and relationship with God was so strong was keeping me out of the hospital.
It kept me out of the hospital as far as in-patient mental health treatment but there was so much more going on.
I was going to the ER often with severe stomach pains and throwing up. We could never figure it out or connect it with anything... until one day....
We were on a short trip with my ex-husband's family. One night the pain hit and I ended up going to the ER there. As I was laying there waiting for tests results and such, I was thinking about how two of my ex-in-laws just announced pregnancies. I was also thinking about how I felt like an outcast with my in-laws. There was a nurse in my room at the time so I just asked her.
"Could it be stress and anxiety causing this?"
She adamantly said yes.
I told her why I asked and all that was happening. She agreed that I might be onto something and went and told the doctor. We talked quite a bit and when the test results showed nothing else going on, he referred me to a place near home that had several therapists and a psychiatrist.
Between the people I talked to at that clinic, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, major clinical depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I started medication.
I'll go deeper into each of those individually in future posts but for right now, let's keep going with my story because this is when mental health truly became my passion.
I want to tell you that I saw many of the therapists because it is hard to find the right fit. So please don't get discouraged if you're feeling the same way. It's okay to try different people until you find one you truly connect with. Before covid hit, I think I was on my 6th or 7th and I loved her!
Back to my story... my husband at the time would go with me and help tell the doctors what he saw. At times he said I was doing well and other times not so much. I honestly couldn't tell myself.
One day my husband told me that everyone was scared of me and had to walk on ice and I was a monster. I attempted suicide in that moment. (I will go into suicide more later as well)
After that day, I started to buy books on anger or do what I could to "help" me even though I had no clue what I was doing that made people feel that way about me.
A couple years later, the day came when my husband left me. He and his son woke me up and said awful things. Everything they hated about me, how horrible I was, and even that "ibuprofen cures everything." Then they walked out the door.
I started really researching mental health and my specific mental illnesses. I was not given an opportunity to share my findings with him so he never learned.
BUT it opened my eyes and I became truly passionate about it.
I switched psychiatrists and therapists, both at different locations than before. I learned that my ex-husband would lie about how I was doing so my medication kept changing to the point that I could never be stable. (I will also talk about domestic mental manipulation and abuse later)
It was during the divorce and with these new doctors that I was diagnosed with PTSD. It affected how I lived and perceived the outside world.
I didn't (and don't) want anyone to go through what I went through so I've been trying to spread awareness and help those that need it. I want to help those that struggle with mental illness themselves but also their loved ones. I want them to be able to understand what is happening inside the other person and how to help.
When my parents were able to learn about mental health and all that was going on inside me, it deepened our relationship to an even stronger level. In the process, it also made me grow stronger as well.
That's what I want for YOU... for everyone!
I am a Disney freak and one of my favorite movies is Moana. I relate to the end of the movie. From the first time I saw it to every time since then I think "yes! I feel that."
**Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it**
Moana is trying to restore the heart of Te Fiti, but realizes it belongs to Teka (an angry lava monster). She gets to the place where she thinks she'll find Te Fiti but it's an empty hole. She turns around and looks at Teka. Teka is fuming and trying to get to Moana. Moana does something no other Disney princess has done... she identifies with the villain. She gets it; she understands what's happening. She starts walking towards Teka and Teka is raging towards Moana. But as Moana is walking she sings
"I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know who you are. Who you truly are."
She restores the heart onto Teka and Teka changes into Te Fiti. The anger falls away.
I've been called a monster. I have pictured myself acting and looking like Teka. But deep inside, in my heart, I am Te Fiti and love being kind, beautiful, smiling and... myself.
It's also a good reminder that our mental health does not define us. We are not our mental health. Just like I am not my physical health. Both affect me, but they do not define who I am inside.
I hope I have helped someone. Please always feel free to share my blog or videos. I also want to encourage you to reach out to me if you need someone.
My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.
Remember I did three YouTube videos for this story...
Part One... https://youtu.be/sntaYfFRSC0
Part Two... https://youtu.be/FVtzavyBZ0s
Part Three... https://youtu.be/tDMUS6-_imQ
