That specific smell that brought up the thoughts of my aunt and uncle's house.
It was comforting.
Have you had that happen?
I hear people say it a lot about their grandma's house.
Maybe there's a song that reminds you of someone or a certain time. Like a song you danced to with your friends while "cruisin'" or at Homecoming in High School.
These are called Triggers.
You may or may not have labeled them. A lot of you may have said, "that triggered a memory" and not even realized that you're using the actual term.
I've been talking on Facebook about writing more about mental health in my blog. I wrote my one about Suicide in October and the initial one about Broken People in August.
Why such gaps?
It's triggers.
I even had this one written a week ago but couldn't bring myself to publish it yet because it was too hard to read through to edit it.
I thought my next one would be about Depression or Anxiety/Panic Attacks. I tried and I tried but I couldn't do it without breaking down.
Looking back to see when I first started anti-depressants and why I did, first time I went to a counselor and what led me there, or reading past posts while in the midst of discovering my mental health and seeing now what was really going on.
They were triggers.
The biggest thing is that I didn't fully understand my own mental health until I started doing more research. I started researching as an attempt to save my marriage, praying for a day that I might be able to explain it all to him.
Although that hasn't happened, I've been able to show my parents and my sisters. It's help me understand myself and how I act, feel and think, and WHY I act, feel and think that way.
It's putting into words... well... Me.
A few months ago I was told that I needed to be in constant therapy rather than researching it.
Honestly... I'm doing both. I see a therapist once a week. I also keep in contact with my psychiatrist. That part, however, I was doing before as well. That person said it to hurt me, but it hasn't stopped me from continuing.
I haven't had a chance to talk to my husband about anything since the day he left and I won't get a chance to explain it to the person that said those hurtful words. But researching mental health has definitely been a positive in my life.
Now, I have a very strong passion to share with others.
I'm learning from other people that they suffer or their spouse or child suffers. It's a VERY hard thing to work through. I want to help in every way possible so that other families aren't broken or struggling as much. I want to share my mental illness with everyone and anyone. I would love to start traveling and speaking on such a topic.
If you know me or follow me, you know I've had several trials (as I call them) in my life.
A constant (yes, 24/7. yes, I have one now) headache for almost 16 years, I've gone through the infertility rollercoaster, I have hip pain from a car wreck, etc.
All of us have things in our life that push us to our ends. As I look back over my life... child, teenager, college, career.... I can see different times that my mental health affected my life. I had NO idea. We'll get into that more on other posts.
I would love to go into the big topics of Depression or Anxiety but I'm not quite there yet. I start trying and then my mind goes to "the dark place". That is what I call sliding down the slope of depression that has suicidal thoughts at the bottom. I have learned to become aware of that edge and try to stay away from even the top of that slope.
I've decided to talk about Triggers instead. Like I said in the beginning... triggers are what's stopping me from those big topics at the moment.
What does it mean in the mental health world?
Triggers are something that is seen, read or heard that causes distress. It arouses feelings or memories associated with a particular traumatic experience. It makes ALL the pain of the past (related to that trigger) seem present instead of happening months or even years ago. The pain becomes so intense to the same extent it did when that experience happened. A good example (and most well-known) is when a military person has a flashback from being overseas. I want to go into specifics of that on another post (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc) but that's the example of a trigger most people understand.
Triggers can be small, big or huge. Triggers can be expected or you could be completely blindsided.
Lately... I've been blindsided a lot.
Triggers are scary... especially the unexpected ones. Standing in Menards and suddenly having tears is not my idea of a good time. It makes me scared to go anywhere.
Seeing something I wasn't prepared for is another scary trigger.
Just like anything else, however, they need to be dealt with and not shoved under a rug. And definitely not buried so that when a bigger trigger hits, you can't avoid that slope of darkness.
How do we deal with triggers then?
First off.. let's talk about the expected ones.
It seems easy but it's not. Anytime you have to fight mentally, it's not easy.
***Sidenote: For any of you that are trying to live with or help or just want to know... Here's tip #1...
We're struggling with a constant mental battle. We don't want it to come out in the ways that it often does. But we are seriously, constantly fighting in our own minds. We don't want to live this way any more than you want to live with us. We don't want to have such negative thoughts in our heads. We aren't being lazy or angry or undependable by canceling on purpose. We hate it, too. The mental battle is draining.***
Back to expected triggers.. PLAN. That's the best advice. Plan ahead, go through the possible outcomes and give yourself possible ways to get out or away from the trigger.
I'm going to use Christmas for example. I love Christmas Carols but this year it was hard. Every year on Christmas Eve (or pretend Christmas Eve when my sisters are in town), we sing Christmas carols around the piano. I talked to my therapist about how I was afraid. So we talked plans.
1. It's okay to cry and hurt.
2. I could walk away for a bit and come back.
3. I could just go home because my family would understand.
4. I could find something in the room that could draw my mind out of the trigger.
I went with #4 but with the hurt and some tears in #1.
I couldn't bring myself to sing along. But any time my mind would wander towards the triggered memory, I would bring it back to the room by counting how many snowmen were in the room. Or how many kids were wearing red. Or how many Nativity Scenes were on the Christmas tree.
This is finding something tangible and focusing on the Now rather than the Then.
Now.. the unexpected ones.. I have no solid advice. They are not fun and they are hard to deal with (using loose terms). I guess, just be okay with feeling the hurt. Cry it out in a safe place. BUT don't live in the pain. Feel it, deal with it, and then try to move on. WAY easier said than done.
Another suggestion is to remove yourself as quickly as possible if you're losing your mental battle. Most situations this is an okay thing to do. Safer actually. But sometimes it just plain isn't okay and you're stuck. Try.. TRY to do the tangible thing to bring you into the present. BUT deal with the emotion later.. NO BURYING!
I do in-home day care so obviously I can't just leave if an unexpected trigger happens. Depending on the intensity, I'll call my mom or sister to take my place or I'll just go right in the middle of the kids and FULLY focus on them. I don't check my phone or work on the paperwork. I move myself right into the kids. Don't think I don't play or focus on the kids as a regular thing but I'm talking about turning on music and dancing or just sitting right in the middle of the play area. If you get on the floor, it's amazing how fast kids climb on you. lol.
One of my biggest unexpected triggers happened at a concert. My friend, husband and I were supposed to see Casting Crowns at the state fair. By the time it came, we were already separated.
As my friend and I were driving there, I went through all the possible songs I could think of that may trigger my emotions. My husband loved Casting Crowns so it was something we listened to often.
I teared up on many songs but that seems to happen at any concert. At the end of the concert they ran off the stage, you know they're coming back for an "encore" but I was relieved that I had made it through.
Then the song came on. It was the ONE song I didn't think about or warn my friend.
It was a song that we had sung at church back when we first started dating. We would sing it together any time it came on the radio.
I literally dropped to my knees in tears. I wasn't hiding between the rows of chairs but I just didn't have the strength to stand. I bawled through the entire song.
That song was (and is) a huge trigger. An astronomical one. AND it was unexpected. As much as I tried to prepare, I was still hit.
I tell you that story because it does happen. It's hard for you and the loved one with you. You can't prepare for everything. Triggers of all sizes can come out of no where. It's normal. I believe it's normal for any person. But for those that struggle with a mental illness, it can be debilitating.
After these mental battles.. big or small.. I'm drained, therefore, I sleep (if possible). But I, myself, also need to be careful that I'm not using it as an escape and burying the incident. A lot of times it's my dad that forces me to stay up and not sleep. He seems to know when it's okay and needed or when it's something to fight against.
Another tool that is always there for any of us is God. In the midst of the trigger or before or after, we can look to Him.
I posted on Facebook a while back that Jesus understood betrayal. He was betrayed. So He gets what I'm feeling. He experienced all sorts of emotions in the Garden of Gethsemane before He was arrested.
Something else I recently came to realize was that God already knows my pain and my triggers. He's not surprised when I cry out for help because I'm weak. He wants us to! He commands us to!
"Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness" Matthew 6:33
This verse is in the middle of talking about worry. I highly recommend the entire chapter.
Part of the previous verse says "For your Heavenly Father knows...".
He knows!
Fear is huge when it comes to triggers.
Fear comes from Satan. He's the ultimate deceiver and tells us lies.
For someone with mental illness, this can truly be fatal.
I saw a saying "Have your FAITH be bigger than your fears".
It's so true. We need strong faith.
Does having a mental illness mean I don't have strong enough faith? NO!
Does having a mental illness make it harder to focus on faith? Yes.
It takes discipline and learning.
I have this new sign in my dining room. It says "Faith is not believing that God can. It's knowing that He will."
This doesn't mean if I have enough faith that God not only can, but will give me everything I've asked. Having faith doesn't mean you'll know what your life will look like. Having faith doesn't mean life is easy.
BUT by faith I can trust in all of God's promises. By faith I can know that He will deliver me in His own way.
I don't lie there and pray saying that God can help me. I lie there and pray knowing that He will!
Trusting God also means trusting His timing.
The third thing I've learned recently about praying is to not do all the talking. Sit and listen as well. That will be part of the healing. It's very hard!! My brain doesn't shut off but I try to focus on listening to His comforting words.
God loves you.
Read that again... God loves YOU. Just as you are. It's one of the things I keep repeating to myself in the midst of a trigger. God loves me, He has a purpose, He WILL get me through.
Everything about prayer tells us that God WANTS a relationship with us. From the very beginning with Adam and Eve. That's the purpose. He doesn't want robots; He wants a relationship.
I feel like I've lost everything. But God is everything. And NO ONE can take that from me.
I would like you do a couple things for me.
Study Hebrews 11. Some call this the Hall of Faith. It gives us many examples of people who walked by faith. If you don't know the people it mentions, then look up their story. Yes, it'll be time consuming but worth it!
Hebrews 12:1-3 are my favorite verses. There is so much in those verses that I'll have to expound on them a different time.
The second thing I'd like you to do is read through some of the Psalms. David (who wrote a good majority of the psalms) went through many struggles. He expresses himself in a way that we can also approach God. He got depressed. He got scared. He got anxious. Read a few. You'll be encouraged. You'll see when he's almost yelling at God. You'll see when he's confessing to God. You'll see when he's been quietly listening to God.
Psalm 55 is a good one.
If you don't have a Bible, I constantly use the Bible app. I use it to find devotions and it's easy to read the Bible wherever I am.
The other things I'd like you to do is listen to a couple songs for me... (okay, three).
I'm a music person. Songs take on a very special meaning. I like to really focus on the words. They can have such a great impact. I think that any song I've posted on Facebook I've made public, so you can go listen to them.
These three, however, you should look up yourself.
"Fear is a Liar" by Zach Williams
"The Breakup Song" by Francesca Battistelli
"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns
As always... please reach out to me if you want to discuss mental health, if you don't understand faith, if you want to do a Bible study together, or anything else that comes to mind.
A person that just spoke at our church said "we suffer so that we can comfort others". That's my passion.
Message me on Facebook (Amanda Cannon) or email me at the address connected with my blog (delightinlord13@gmail.com)
Remember... Triggers are normal. Triggers are hard. And Triggers are difficult to explain to others.
But they're real. It's okay to recognize them (good, in fact!). Understand them and work with them. That, in itself, can help relieve part of the mental battle.
Don't get discouraged.
One Saturday I was doing great then one.. just one fleeting thought.. sent me back to bed. It happens! With mental health, I think it will always be a part of our lives. Be encouraged that there are others out there struggling as well.
More than likely this post was a trigger. I'm praying for you. I'm praying for the ones who are walking this road with you. Please try to use the tools I have suggested or maybe some that you have figured out on your own.
You are not alone.
