A lot has been happening but I guess I either haven't had time to sit and do this OR haven't had anything come to mind to write about.
The reality is probably both but also, because I hurt my finger back in June and haven't really been able to type. It's ridiculous really. But let me start at the beginning....
For the last year my husband and I have been house hunting in the area. We were looking for a house with enough bedrooms but also suitable for day care. I enjoy having day care in a separate area of my house so they aren't destroying my home. If I have to keep working, we wanted to keep it separate.
We've looked at several and nothing worked.
In the meantime, we knew we needed to fix our foundation. There were anchors in the walls when I bought the place in 2008. Once I was married, my husband kept noticing the cracks getting bigger and one corner almost hitting the water heater. We knew we needed to do something even if we were going to sell it. As we asked around about costs, we realized that if we were going to put that much into this house, we needed to stay here and just do an addition.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my last post but we actually met with the contractor the day my husband had his accident.
Construction started June 2nd. Since they were putting in an entirely new foundation and my day care is in the basement (it's a walk-out basement), I had to move to my moms for the summer.
June 1st, I was getting in my deep freeze; getting out all the food I'd need for day care at my mom's. I had my hand on the lid and my finger in the handle. The door started to shut on me and I couldn't get my finger out. It got all twisted up. (I told you it was ridiculous). It's not broken but the ligaments and tendons are messed up. I don't need surgery, thankfully, but I'm still in a lot of pain if it gets bent too far.
Construction on the house has been overwhelming, inconvenient and stressful but as they fixed the foundation, the foreman told us that we were only sitting on two inches of wall. He couldn't believe that we hadn't caved in yet. After all the rain we had in August, we KNOW that God was leading us to do this now.
There's more I could say about this whole process but honestly, there's something else on my mind. Something bigger and more powerful.
Something that I need prayer for.
My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. That whole time we haven't done anything to prevent pregnancy. Six months ago I talked to a doctor about fertility medication. I was tested and everything looked as if I should be able to get pregnant. So I started on medication that was supposed to help. The doctor told us that if it doesn't work after a certain amount of time then it wasn't going to work and we should look into in-vitro.
If you are one of my "followers", you read my post about Dreams. You know how much I've wanted to be a mom. If you know me personally, you REALLY understand how much being a mom has always been a part of who I am.
God has shut the door.
I can't have kids.
I can type those words but there's really no way I can say them out loud without breaking down. My heart is completely shattered.
The medication didn't work and after months of being on a rollercoaster, I'm at the point of accepting God's plan. We don't have the money or the energy to do in-vitro or surrogacy.
Scientifically and medically, I should be pregnant. (I won't go into details of why I say that)
God has chosen to not grant us this desire.
I know that He could still allow it later on down the road. I'm not so foolish to say that I know what He's doing and know what He's thinking. He can do all things. But the door is like the one on the ark, only God can open it. I need to keep moving and living for Him.
This has been so hard!!! I've wanted to be a mom since... well, really, forever.
I never expected that I wouldn't be a mom. Even when I got married at 32, I thought I'd be pregnant and have my own kids. I've been living my whole life with that expectation.
One friend said to me a while back, "You were one of the cutest kids I know. You have to be able to make more beautiful children."
Another said, "I don't think that God would give you such a big desire and then have it not happen."
Here's the thing.... We don't have to understand God. For most of my life, I haven't! I've had a headache for 11 1/2 years. The chest pains I had last summer (and never figured out) have returned. I don't understand those things!
And yes, I truly don't understand why He hasn't allowed me to get pregnant. I don't understand why we built this addition if we weren't having more kids. I don't understand why He gave me this desire. But I don't have to. No where in the Bible does it say "You will know the plans I have for you. You will understand everything I do." God just asks us to trust Him and live for Him. The Bible tells us that HE knows the plans HE has for us. It also tells us that He wants to do what's best.
I think deep down God has been preparing me for this. I'm a pessimist by nature. But if you've read my last few posts, you'll see that I've been trying to find good in every event; I'm trying to be positive in the negative.
How can I be positive in the midst of my dreams being broken???
I started looking at how my life can be without kids of my own.
First off, I have two step-sons. This is a hard topic because yes, I'm still a mom figure to them but I'm not their mom. It's kind of like playing cards with someone who always has the Ace of Trump.
With that said though, I'm going to put my whole mother's heart into them when they're here. Or even if they call or text when they aren't here.
I also have a house-full of kids that I take care of. I can give them my whole self without feeling divided between them and my own.
I also have several nieces and nephews who have always been important to me.
One sister pointed out that maybe my heart and desire to be a mom is SO big that God has given me several kids in my life to love and take care of.... to be a "mother" to.
My oldest step-son will be graduating in 4 1/2 years. We only get the younger one on every other weekend. So when the oldest graduates, it's going to feel like we have an empty nest of sorts. I have to admit that kind of excites me. We'll finally be like newlyweds. I mean, think about it... when I got married, I suddenly had a 12 year old and a 4 year old!! The 12 year old (now 14!) lives here 50% of the time.
Nate and I have started new dreams. Dreams of getting to travel more. Dreams of maybe finishing my book and speaking to young women. Dreams of opening our home to others.
Having my dream taken away still hurts... a lot! Like I said, I can't voice it out loud. When I see a woman pregnant, I know I'll never feel that. When I see kids running around, I know that I'll never know what my kids would act like or look like.
Want to know something though? Being able to think about how it's not going to happen is actually easier than not knowing IF it's going to happen. I feel like I'm finally able to move on.
I'm turning 35 and I'm not a mom.
I have a bin of things I've been saving for my kids. I have my favorite baby dolls from when I was a little girl waiting for my little girl.
I'm not running out and selling those things right now.. or even next week.
The pain is still too fresh. It's just right under the surface. Some days are obviously better than others. I would appreciate a lot of prayer.
I didn't choose to not be able to have kids. But I am choosing to look forward to what awesome plan God has in store for me.
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| On top of a mountain we climbed this summer in Wyoming. |
