One thinks of it as "pause" like it would be used in a sentence.
My other friend uses it as "my story isn't over".
One of these friends has multiple suicide attempts and has given thoughts to it many times.
The other knew it was part of a suicide movement but hasn't attempted. She got to the point of just praying "God, please take me."
September was suicide awareness month. Were you aware?
Keeping it secret is actually very dangerous.
In no way, shape or form, should it be glorified. But, on the other hand, it can't be ignored either.
It's a topic that needs to be discussed in a serious way. In a real way.
About 2 years ago, I, myself, attempted suicide.
That is why I have this tattoo on my ankle.
It's the notes for the last phrase of the song 'Because He Lives' by Bill and Gloria Gaither. It says,
"Life is worth the living, just because He lives." Seeing it reminds me that life is worth it because He loves us so much. He came to Earth, died and rose again... CONQUERING death. (I love that part!)
I was told, back then, that I was destroying people's lives and no one felt safe around me. So I grabbed the closest bottle of pills and dumped it in my mouth. The person that was there knew how to choke me in such a way that didn't stop my breathing as much as just stopped my tongue from swallowing. I fought him for a little bit but eventually gave in and spit them all out.
When he left, I called my friend that can also be suicidal and I started walking towards her house. I said, "Come on, let's go. Let's take a car and just drive into a lake." She (thankfully) was extremely stable that day and didn't allow me to talk in such a way. I kept trying to convince her to do it in any way possible. Or for her to just kill me but I'd leave a note so it wouldn't be murder.
The thing was that I was dealing with such pain... such horrible pain... I didn't know how to deal with it. I wanted it to stop. It wasn't that I was thinking about no longer living... or even dying to see Jesus. I wasn't even thinking about leaving this world.
It was all about stopping the absolutely horrendous pain.
Suicide is a tough topic.
There's so many facets to it.
Some that take his or her life, plan it out. They are ready for that moment when it's going to fall into place. (Or at least, they think they're ready)
Others, like me, it's a mental struggle with my mental illness and it happens just at certain times. That incident was two years ago and it just recently became a battle again.
The bottomline is that no matter what, it's a struggle and one that can't be handled alone.
I've been learning more and more about my mental health and mental health in general. I have a minor in Biblical Counseling but it didn't go as deep as real life can. (As you can see this is Part 1 of my Mental Health topic, so there will be more to come.)
I have a plan.
Not a plan for committing suicide but a plan for when those thoughts become real.
I call a friend. A friend that knows about my situation and my struggles. I don't always say "I'm suicidal" but sometimes it's as simple as "the darkness is coming or here." Just talking can help get me through the moment.
Then there's the times where that unbearable pain comes up and I can't be alone. I know I can't be alone. I grab my necessities (dog, phone, phone charger, ONLY meds needed for that night). Then I head to my mom. She is amazing in this way (in several ways, really).
Let me try to describe this to you.
Something triggers it. It doesn't randomly come from no where.
It is emotional and mental pain that runs so deep that it's physical.
It hurts. I want to physically rip out my heart. I can't breathe and I feel like it will never end.
It's like I'm stuck in a burning building and I know where the exits are but I can't get there. All I can see, feel, smell and breathe is the smoke filling the room.
It is a very serious attack. Satan's attack.
When the most recent time happened, I ran to my parent's house and was lying on their floor rolling back and forth in the fetal position. I wanted it to go away.
Again, it's not that I necessarily want to live this world for good. But the pain is so intense, it seems to be the only true exit out of the burning building.
My mom got on the floor with me and held me.
When Satan attacks, we HAVE to remember truths.
God loves me.
God will get me through this.
God has a purpose for me.
Here's the deal though...
On the dark days, Scriptures you haven't read aren't going to pop into your head.
If you aren't in the Word, the truths won't come to you to help you fight the battle.
If you aren't in the Word, you have to figure out God all by yourself.
The Word is living and active and helps us KNOW GOD and learn His promises and truths.
He's not just my God on the dark days. He's my God everyday.
I'm scared for the youth of this day. I don't feel like they are being taught in a manner that's truly helpful. If they're being taught about suicide from a movie that seems to promote it, that's not helpful. If they are being taught to figure things out on their own with no guidance from adults, that's not helpful. If they are learning from the church only shame and not God's love, that's not helpful.
Suicide is huge. And it needs talked about. There needs to be awareness.
So many people live in secret and that only makes the darkness stronger. We need to feel safe to say "Help!" without taking the actions that may be permanent.
I saw this shirt that also has the semi-colon. It says "You matter. Don't let your story end."
I love that.
In the times that I have felt like it was my only escape from pain, I didn't understand that I DO matter. So few of us realize that going through with it, could end our story. We aren't thinking about that part at the time. We just want to escape the current situation.
If you are feeling like anything I've talked about or even close to it, I want you to PAUSE.
Reach out to someone whom you trust and can hold you accountable. OR reach out to me. Please!!
I'm on Facebook or my email is delightinlord13@gmail.com.
I need you to know God's truths. I need you to know God's Word. I need you to know you are not alone. And I need you to know that I will love you and God loves you, too.
(on Facebook I have a group called Manna for Broken People. If you'd like to join that group, look it up or message me)
My birthday is this week. After talking about dreading getting older, my friend said, "In our cases, we certainly should be celebrating our huge WIN! Our winning-ness at life because there's so many days we wish we were not here."
Suicide is a mental battle within. I want every single person to face another birthday realizing that God has a purpose for them.
I understand wanting to escape the major battle of the moment... the moment that feels like it's going to last forever. But forever is a long time.
On this side of death, God is able to pull us through the darkness.
On the other side... that's a permanent 'forever'.
Whether your eternity is set to be with Him forever or you don't know (You can KNOW! Talk to me!), what seems like an eternity here on Earth, truly isn't.
PAUSE.
Your story isn't over.
