Your Value No Matter What

 My YouTube video this week is one that I made in January of 2020 right after I was horribly betrayed by someone I thought was my friend. 

July 29th, 2017, I was in a serious car wreck in Ohio. I had written a blog post at that time so you can go back and read all about it if you'd like. That wreck would change our lives forever in ways I didn't even know. 

After we got back, I was at work for three days and was fired. At that time I was the director of a day care center. I had done something wrong but I was shocked and deeply hurt by many people. 

Nine months later, May 6th, 2018, my husband left me, taking my two step-sons with him. I went from being a wife and mother to nothing. I'm not able to have kids of my own so those boys were loved like my own. 

You already know how I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD plus other things. 

In middle school and high school I was sexually harassed. In college there were some problems as well with harassment and other things.

I'm telling you all of this because I'm reaching out to those that question their value. I often question my value.

My name (Amanda) means worthy of love and I do NOT feel it.

I have put so much of my value in how people treat me and what people do to me or their response to me. In January of 2020, I was reminded I can't do that. It is too painful and it is wrong. My value doesn't come from other people and what they do and their actions. My value comes from one thing and one thing only...

And that is GOD.

God created you and me. That's where our value comes from and it can't change.

I was shown an illustration when I was going to a support group called Divorce Care. I want to share it.

If I had $100 dollar bill, it is $100. It was made to be $100. It's value is $100. I could fold it, crumple it up, step on it or even rip it in half but it's still worth $100. No matter what it's been through it's value is still $100. 

Same with you and me.

No matter what we've been through... If you deal with mental illness, been divorced, mentally manipulated or abused in some way or have diabetes or cancer or some other health issues, THAT doesn't matter. Your value comes from God. 

HE created YOU!

That's your value and it is AMAZING! He created you the way you are. Remember the $100 and remember your value. You are PRICELESS. He died for you!!!

THAT'S YOUR VALUE!

Email... mannas.musings@gmail.com

YouTube... https://youtu.be/D-vYdYY_pPM

My Journey, Story and Passion: Mental Health

 If you are following my YouTube channel as well as my blog, I want to let you know that this topic is split into three videos on YouTube. I don't want the videos to be too long but for a blog it's easier to write it all at once. 😄

I am not an expert in mental health. I have a minor in counseling and I've taken some Master course classes. A lot of my knowledge comes from personal experience, experiences of friends and research I've done on my own. It's basically a combination of all of those things. 

When I start talking about my mental health story, I recall times in my past where my mental illness played a part in the situation. But back then I didn't know anything about it. I'm actually not positive on the timeline of how I learned about myself. 

I think I first saw a counselor when we were trying to get rid of my headache. I've had a constant, 24/7, headache for 19 years. I've tried basically everything and we still don't know the cause. At one point, we thought maybe I needed to see a counselor because the year prior to my headache starting, our family had seven family deaths. From the month of May to November that year we lost my step-grandma, my grandpa, an uncle, two great-uncles on my mom's side and one great-uncle on my dad's side. The seventh was my sister's miscarriage. My headache started the following February. I saw the counselor for a while but to no avail. 

The next time I started seeing a counselor was when I found out for certain that I could not have kids of my own. I started anti-depressants at that time as well. I honestly thought that this would be short-time until I accepted the fact that I would never be a mom.

In my post about Hope, I mentioned having a thorough assessment done. My memory tells me that was also to try to help my headache but I'm not certain at this point. No matter the reason, what we found out that day was significant. I had clinical depression and only the fact that my faith and relationship with God was so strong was keeping me out of the hospital. 

It kept me out of the hospital as far as in-patient mental health treatment but there was so much more going on. 

I was going to the ER often with severe stomach pains and throwing up. We could never figure it out or connect it with anything... until one day....

We were on a short trip with my ex-husband's family. One night the pain hit and I ended up going to the ER there. As I was laying there waiting for tests results and such, I was thinking about how two of my ex-in-laws just announced pregnancies. I was also thinking about how I felt like an outcast with my in-laws. There was a nurse in my room at the time so I just asked her.

"Could it be stress and anxiety causing this?"

She adamantly said yes. 

I told her why I asked and all that was happening. She agreed that I might be onto something and went and told the doctor. We talked quite a bit and when the test results showed nothing else going on, he referred me to a place near home that had several therapists and a psychiatrist.

Between the people I talked to at that clinic, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, major clinical depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I started medication.

I'll go deeper into each of those individually in future posts but for right now, let's keep going with my story because this is when mental health truly became my passion.

I want to tell you that I saw many of the therapists because it is hard to find the right fit. So please don't get discouraged if you're feeling the same way. It's okay to try different people until you find one you truly connect with. Before covid hit, I think I was on my 6th or 7th and I loved her!

Back to my story... my husband at the time would go with me and help tell the doctors what he saw. At times he said I was doing well and other times not so much. I honestly couldn't tell myself.

One day my husband told me that everyone was scared of me and had to walk on ice and I was a monster. I attempted suicide in that moment. (I will go into suicide more later as well)

After that day, I started to buy books on anger or do what I could to "help" me even though I had no clue what I was doing that made people feel that way about me. 

A couple years later, the day came when my husband left me. He and his son woke me up and said awful things. Everything they hated about me, how horrible I was, and even that "ibuprofen cures everything." Then they walked out the door.

"Love Me Until I'm Me Again"

I started really researching mental health and my specific mental illnesses. I was not given an opportunity to share my findings with him so he never learned.

BUT it opened my eyes and I became truly passionate about it.

I switched psychiatrists and therapists, both at different locations than before. I learned that my ex-husband would lie about how I was doing so my medication kept changing to the point that I could never be stable. (I will also talk about domestic mental manipulation and abuse later)

It was during the divorce and with these new doctors that I was diagnosed with PTSD. It affected how I lived and perceived the outside world.

I didn't (and don't) want anyone to go through what I went through so I've been trying to spread awareness and help those that need it. I want to help those that struggle with mental illness themselves but also their loved ones. I want them to be able to understand what is happening inside the other person and how to help. 

When my parents were able to learn about mental health and all that was going on inside me, it deepened our relationship to an even stronger level. In the process, it also made me grow stronger as well. 

That's what I want for YOU... for everyone!

I am a Disney freak and one of my favorite movies is Moana. I relate to the end of the movie. From the first time I saw it to every time since then I think "yes! I feel that."

**Spoiler Alert if you haven't seen it**

Moana is trying to restore the heart of Te Fiti, but realizes it belongs to Teka (an angry lava monster). She gets to the place where she thinks she'll find Te Fiti but it's an empty hole. She turns around and looks at Teka. Teka is fuming and trying to get to Moana. Moana does something no other Disney princess has done... she identifies with the villain. She gets it; she understands what's happening. She starts walking towards Teka and Teka is raging towards Moana. But as Moana is walking she sings

"I have crossed the horizon to find you. I know your name. They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know who you are. Who you truly are."

She restores the heart onto Teka and Teka changes into Te Fiti. The anger falls away.

I've been called a monster. I have pictured myself acting and looking like Teka. But deep inside, in my heart, I am Te Fiti and love being kind, beautiful, smiling and... myself. 

It's also a good reminder that our mental health does not define us. We are not our mental health. Just like I am not my physical health. Both affect me, but they do not define who I am inside.

I hope I have helped someone. Please always feel free to share my blog or videos. I also want to encourage you to reach out to me if you need someone. 

My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

Remember I did three YouTube videos for this story...

Part One... https://youtu.be/sntaYfFRSC0

Part Two... https://youtu.be/FVtzavyBZ0s

Part Three... https://youtu.be/tDMUS6-_imQ

Winter Blues vs Seasonal Depression

 Before I get into our topic today, I want to apologize for the wait. I was sick for a good two weeks. People kept thinking it was covid but every test I took came back negative.

We also had a lady from our church pass away. I'm still in shock. I'm from a small church and we're all affected by this death. It was so unexpected that it's made me really think about priorities and some changes that I need to make.

BUT... today we're going to talk about winter blues vs seasonal depression (or Seasonal Affective Disorder). 

Now I admit, I hate winter. I hate the cold, the snow, the darkness... pretty much anything about it. I wouldn't say I have winter blues or seasonal depression but I want to make sure that people not only know that there is a difference but what the difference is. 

WINTER BLUES

Winter Blues happens during the colder months of the year. It brings about feelings of sadness and fatigue. Since the sun isn't out as long, some people get down and out. You may feel unmotivated and struggle getting up in the mornings. But overall, you can still function. You can do what's necessary. 

Some things that can help with winter blues is first, seeking out the sun. The sun is a mood booster. It gives us our Vitamin D. With my job, I'm literally working all of the daylight hours during the winter so I would take extra Vitamin D supplements. 

Other things is exercise and eating right. When we want to hibernate, so to speak, we want comfort foods like sweets and carbohydrates. While those feel good in the moment, they really make us more tired and lethargic. 

SEASONAL DEPRESSION

Now let's talk about seasonal depression (also called Seasonal Affective Disorder). 

First, it's good to define depression because it is one of the main differences. 

Depression is not just sadness

Depression negatively affects how you feel, think and act. You have loss of interest causing significant impairment to daily life. 

Seasonal depression is distressing and overwhelming feelings of sadness that interfere with daily functioning WITH a seasonal pattern. It is severe and can be debilitating. It does not have to happen only in winter. It can happen with any change of seasons but it happens at the same season every year. I have a friend that it happens in the fall. There's others that struggle in summer or spring. With the darkness and colder weather, it does happen most frequently in winter. 

If you feel you fit this description, please seek help. Go to a doctor and tell them how you're feeling. They should be able to determine if antidepressants will help or if you should just take more Vitamin D.

I hope this has helped because there is a very real difference. People that struggle with Seasonal Depression struggle more when people just call in winter blues because it is so much more. But I want to emphasize that winter blues is a very real thing so please do something to help.

I don't feel like I deal with either of these personally but I have people around me that do. I just plain don't like winter. lol. 

The next topics will be about my journey and why mental health is so important to me. I had written some posts a couple years ago. Feel free to go back and read them. But I'll write again to go along with my YouTube videos.

My email is mannas.musings@gmail.com.

YouTube link is https://youtu.be/GwaAPdDy7hk

Mental Health in a New Year

 I can't believe we are already a week into 2022! 

I have been so ready for 2021 to be over. It wasn't a great year for me personally. I'd say worse than 2020. I'm ready for a clean slate and a new start.

A new year can bring anxiety and fear or a feeling of hope and renewal.

So far it hasn't been great for me but I'm still trying to be hopeful. 

My depression is bad. It started when my New Year's Eve plans got messed up by a snowstorm. The entire weekend was a wash and I let it get to me. To add to it my day care got hit with sicknesses.

Today (January 8th) is the first time I've left my house since December 27th. That's not healthy. But it shows how deep my depression went. 

I'll talk more about my diagnosis, experiences and things that have happened in my life in my upcoming videos and blogs. For now, I want to focus on how we face a new year.

A lot of people make resolutions.. whether it be for physical health, mental health or just life in general.

I want to encourage you to make goals.. even small goals.

A resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something while a goal is the object of a person's ambition or effort, an aim or desired result. Doesn't a goal sound more attainable? For me personally, if I don't accomplish a resolution, I feel like I failed. If I set goals, then it can continue to be a goal until I do accomplish it. 

Let me tell you a story...

I have PTSD.

One of the effects is that I can get a panic attack in the middle of our small town grocery store. So before Christmas I needed to get quite a bit of stuff and didn't want to drive out of town. I literally text my mom and asked which aisle each of my items were located so that I knew exactly how to approach the store. If I stand in any spot for too long, panic starts to rise. Well, I did it! I made it through!

It's a victory!!

I don't know what you face in the new year. I don't know what your mental health is like. But I encourage you to set small goals.

"Today I'll do my hair rather than just pull it into a messy bun."

My friend set a goal to force herself to think of a positive thought first thing in the morning. It may not stick all day. It may turn out to be a horrible day. But every morning, she is going to start with a positive thought.

That's a great goal and can have a huge impact!!

And a great thing is that if she misses a day, it's okay. Just try again tomorrow.

I want all of us to be a little stronger in 2022.

I want to spread mental health awareness.

I want to break the stigma that comes with saying "I see a therapist" or "I have a psychiatrist". 

In the upcoming weeks, I'll dive deeper into my own personal story and journey. I also want to teach about things you may not know...

Winter Blues is not the same thing as Seasonal Depression (what?!?)

I will explain all of that soon but for now let's think on the new year and the small goals we can set to give ourselves victories. I'm cheering for you.

As always... email me at mannas.musings@gmail.com 

and check out my YouTube channel https://youtu.be/BDzSS8k8D2U