The same day I did my last post, I had another "event" happen.
As the day wore on, I was not feeling well. I was so nauseous and weak that I couldn't make supper. Unfortunately, this happens to me fairly often. It doesn't mean I'm sick or coming down with something. My body just gets weak.
My husband had his monthly Firemen meeting so was not home. Thankfully, my step-son is old enough to fend for himself. He got something to eat, ate and then headed back outside to play basketball.
I decided to try to eat something. So hanging onto the counters and moving slowly, I made myself some soup.
As I tried to get a Sprite out of the plastic rings, another Sprite fell to the floor. It started spinning and sprayed the entire kitchen!!
Seriously, I had a Sprite sprinkler at my feet!
The bills on the table were wet. The fridge was wet. My socks and pants.. soaked!
Last night (two days later!) I found some on my china hutch!
It seriously went everywhere!
I was feeling so weak that I had to call my husband home to help me. He hadn't been gone long so I figured they were still cleaning trucks and hadn't started the actual meeting yet. I was right.
Thankfully, he came and cleaned the floor. After mopping it twice... it's still sticky!
As the Sprite was spraying everything, I thought of my blog.
"Are you kidding me? I have to laugh?"
In the moment I smiled. I smiled at God's sense of humor.
It didn't take long for it to turn into a joke around here though. My step-son thinks it's hilarious and is sad he was outside and missed it all. But we all still laugh when we see spots on the wall or the curtains.
I didn't decide to post today just to tell you that story though.
I mentioned in my last post that last week there was a lot of stress going on. There was something underlying everything else that was happening.
Six months ago I had my regular annual exam. It came back abnormal. This can happen and it typically means nothing. But they like to recheck six months later.
Last week I went in for the recheck.
This time she saw spots on my cervix.
"It could be nothing!" she said trying to comfort me, "But we won't know for a week."
Those of you that know me personally, know that I want to be a mom so badly. I've wanted to be a mom since I was little and that's all I've wanted to be.
I was CRUSHED at this news.
I felt like I was looking cancer straight in the face.
Each day I tried to think 'it could be nothing'. But my mind liked to run wild.
Was I going to be able to have kids at all? Would we have money to do en-vitro? Would someone be willing to be a surrogate for me? Were we going to adopt?
If it was cancer.. was I going to have to stop working? Would I feel worse than I do now? Will I die?
My mind very quickly went to dark places and I had to draw it back. I had to pray often!
The reaction from others just heightened my fear. At one point my oldest sister (who's married to a doctor!) asked me IF I found out I couldn't have kids, would I adopt. She emphasized the word "IF" but still (in my mind) if the doctor's wife was thinking along those lines, it must be a BIG possibility!
I don't know how many of you have faced things like this. It is indescribable!
It is for sure the hardest week of my life!
The day after I went to the doctor, I was struggling the most. The day before I think I was just in shock. It sunk in more the next morning.
As I was praying I said, "Lord, I need a song. I need a song to run through my head that reminds me how much You care. A song that will stick with me."
I had thought about the song "Cast all your Cares" but for me that was what I was struggling with. I was struggling casting my cares on Him. I needed a song that showed me why I can do that!
I kept praying and laid in my bed until it came.
"Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?
Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
Perfect.
This song comes from Luke 12:6, 7. "Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows." (it's also found in the book of Matthew)
God cares about all of His creation but we, mankind, are the most important to Him.
The song above is "His Eye is on the Sparrow" written by Civilla D. Martin. You may have heard it song by Lauryn Hill especially in the movie Sister Act 2 or maybe Whitney Houston's version.
Here is the background for the song from Civilla D. Martin.
Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York. We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle—true saints of God. Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years. Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair. Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them. One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it. Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me." The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me. The hymn "His Eye Is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience.
The chorus of the song is this:
"I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free;
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."
Do you know how hard it is to sing "I sing because I'm happy" when you're facing possible cancer and your biggest dream is crashing down around you?
I've sang that song in my head SOOO many times over the last week and I forced myself to smile during that phrase every time.
It helped!
This entire song helped me keep my focus on God and how He cares. It helped me know that He's in control and He'll be with me whatever the future holds.
I still struggled.
I still had fear.
But I also had God.
What is fear?
Fear is the lack of faith.
Have you ever thought about it like that before? I had just heard it phrased that way recently.
There's all sorts of fear... fear for the world, fear for our nation, fear for our lives on a personal level. All of it is lack of faith. It's lack of trusting God with the outcome.
When children get scared at night, where do they run? They run to their parents' room and find comfort in just being near them. The scary thing may still be near, but they have peace knowing their parents are protecting them.
The same goes for us as Children of God.
The scary (fearful) thing is still there but we need to find comfort in the presence of our Father.
The week has been hard.
Waiting is hard.
Something to remember during a time of waiting... Waiting is a trial in itself.
All trials are to help us build our character and become more like Christ.
Whether it's waiting for news like I was or waiting on God's guidance in your life, no matter what you're waiting for, God wants you to learn and grow during that time. He wants you to depend and rest in Him. Having patience is HARD! But God desires that in us.
I was waiting for the results. I was waiting to hear what my future held.
Every time the phone rang my heart would beat fast and I'd get a knot in my stomach.When I would talk about it, I would tear up.
The thought of losing my ability to have kids was so real.
Every thing we had going on, I felt like I had to be fake. I had to appear to be Okay on the surface while just under that was a huge fear. I didn't want to tell everyone about it and yet it was on my mind constantly.
I longed for it to be all over. I wanted to move on to the next step... whatever that was.
I finally got the phone call.
The results came back clear!! PRAISE THE LORD!
I still need to keep an eye on things and there's still issues that need to be figured out. I'm not out of the woods as far as possibly not being able to have kids on my own BUT that hope still exists. At this point, there's still that option. That is such a great feeling!
There's still decisions to be made and things to consider. But God has kept the door open.
I wanted to write all of this while the feelings and emotions of the last week were still fresh. I don't think it's ever going to be possible to completely forget what I felt, thought and learned during this trial but I know the freshness will diminish some. Time may heal all wounds but the memory will always exist.
I looked fear straight on.
I wasn't successful the entire time. It wasn't easy by any means!
As I said, the whole experience is indescribable. Unless you have been through something similar, you won't be able to fully grasp it. It's hard for me to describe all the feelings and emotions that happened.
Maybe some of you can relate to that.
Fear and peace seemed to fight against each other. I don't want to relive it. And I pray I never have to.
But I know HE watches me... and I can cast all my cares, fears and worries on Him.
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