Living with Pain

I feel like I haven't written in a while. I also feel like I've had a lot of ideas running through my mind but I like them to solidify before I write. If I don't, I tend to ramble and not make sense. :)

I've had a pretty rough week and I thought I'd share. My thoughts are not complete in my mind but I want to write in the moment. I'm hoping that if others of you live with pain, you will be encouraged to know you're not alone.

I'm in pain.

A lot of pain.

I have three sisters but I was the one (still am!) that required the most sleep. I seemed to get sick more often than they did. I was the one (again, still am!) that would get car sick and would get sick on rollercoasters. I'm not sure about this one as much but I think I am the one that has the hardest time with my cycles. They've always been so painful that I've missed school, work, etc.

My point is that sickness and pain are not new to me.

If you know me or have read any of my other posts, you know about my headache. What you don't know is about my newest pain. I think I mentioned it briefly once.

At the end of April, I had a sharp pain in my chest and I couldn't breathe. We ruled out that it was heart pretty quickly. I thought maybe I had a rib out but that wasn't the case either. The pain and pressure in my chest remained constant. I tried medicine and when that didn't work we did more tests. I had an xray and CT scan done plus some blood work. All of them came back negative. We had no idea what the problem was. I still had medicine left so I decided I'd wait until that was out and see how I was. If there was still a problem, I'd go get a second opinion.
Well, by the time I called another doctor, I couldn't get in until July 1st.

Until this week, the pain didn't remain constant. It would come and go and I really had to learn how to watch what I did and how tired I got.
On the other hand, the pressure has always been there though. I haven't been able to take a deep breath in almost two months!
I often run out of breath just talking and my day care kids have learned to be patient when I just hold my hand up to them for a moment. They've also learned to obey by my motions to them so I don't have to talk.
During all of this, I haven't had a runny or stuffy nose. I haven't had a sore throat. And I haven't been coughing.
I often lose my voice just because I can't get the air I need. I can't sing unless I'm concentrating on breathing through my abdomen (like you're supposed to) but even then, it wears me out.
In fact, it often hurts to talk or sing.

Last week I was at Target and tried on two pairs of pants. When I came out, my husband asked how they fit. I couldn't even talk because I was so out of breath. That's just by trying on two pairs of pants!
Having a headache for 10 years is one thing. And yes, if you would have asked me back then if I could live with a headache, I would have said no. BUT not being able to breathe is so different!! I don't feel like I could live with this at all!!

Waiting for my appointment on July 1st, I have tried the chiropractor in the meantime. It helps take the edge off but doesn't take the pressure away. And again, I really have to watch myself or else the pain returns. If I have worn myself out and then I bend over to pick up something or talk to a kid, I get the sharp pain again. I have learned to sit and try to relax. I feel like I get nothing done.

That's all the stuff that's been going on for two months. Let me tell you about this week.

Let's start with last Saturday. I took my grandma to my cousin's daughter's dance recital. I really didn't feel like it wore me out too much. At my niece's recital, I normally come out with a bad headache but this one wasn't as loud. But for some reason, it really got my chest going. I don't know what it is. I lost my voice by the time I got home. Then I had to practice guitar and singing with my dad for a Sunday night thing we do. I was pretty miserable going to bed that night.. but looking back it was nothing compared to what was in store for me.

Sunday was a typical day. I was tired and in pain but didn't really think much about it.

Monday I woke up nauseous. I noticed my chest wasn't feeling too bad but I wasn't feeling great. I ended up getting sick before my husband even left for work. (please know that in my history, getting sick is not an indication that I have the stomach bug. It's a sign that I've worn myself out or I'm stressed. I can tell the difference when it's a illness. Just didn't want you to think I got sick and spread it to kids.)
The pain in my chest while getting sick was almost unbearable. I can not put it into words for you. I only threw up the one time but the pain in my chest never left.

Tuesday I was weak but fighting against the pain. I had gained a cough which was new to this whole thing. I was trying to take it easy when I got a call from the pool that said I needed to come get one of my kids from lessons. I got all the other kids ready quickly and we walked at a fast pace to get there. As we're walking, I get a text that said the Trolley showed up for her and was heading to my house. So we turned around and tried to rush back. (The trolley won't drop off a kid at a house unless they see an adult)
We made it but I was in terrible pain. I couldn't breathe and kept grabbing at my chest. My step-son thankfully stepped up and helped get lunch ready for the kids. I, then, called my mom so I could go to the chiropractor real quick. While I waited for her, I laid down and couldn't help but cry. I knew that it would make my chest worse, but I couldn't stop the tears. I came out of my room with tears in my eyes and showed up at the chiropractor the same way. My day care kids were concerned to see me this way and that made me feel worse.
My mom finished out lunch with them and helped get them down for rest time. The chiropractor made it so I could at least breathe again. When I got home, I laid down and tried to relax. I couldn't decide whether to go to the doctor or what. It's hard when they already haven't found anything, and yet I was in so much pain, I wanted it gone!
I decided to just relax (or try to).
By the end of my work day, my voice wasn't very good at all. In fact, all of my day care parents were concerned and I explained about the day. I have WONDERFUL day care parents right now so it was nice to know their concern and willingness to work with me if I needed it.
That evening I stayed home and went to bed early. At one point, I cried again. A lot harder this time and again, it made my chest feel so much worse. To add to it, crying made my headache worse too.

Do you know how often I pray to have a pain that doesn't get worse when I cry? *sigh*

Wednesday morning I woke up in a lot of pain and had a slight fever. So I decided to not work. I let all my parents know and went back to sleep. I stayed in bed all day watching movies or sleeping. The pain in my chest was still indescribable and my head hurt. I had a weak moment again when the tears came.
It is so hard to be so discouraged and down and yet know that crying just makes everything worse. I just kept praying God would take it all away. I felt like I'd never get passed this trial.
My step-son has been wonderful this week. My husband has been busy finishing up planting and my step-son made me supper without being asked!!

Thursday (yesterday) I decided I would try to work. I knew I didn't have as many kids and that the distraction might help from all the crying stuff. At certain moments in the day, I questioned whether I made the right decision. At other times, I knew it was good to have kids here with me. I didn't feel as tired as I expected at the end of the day but I still was pretty worn out. My husband and step-son said I looked a lot better than I did on Wednesday.

Last night I didn't sleep much at all. To add to my chest pain and my headache, my cycle started so I kept waking up with that pain as well. I will admit that I asked God why I couldn't catch a break.

Today I'm not only tired but still in pain. I'm still coughing like crazy. I got sick again this morning but it wasn't as painful as Monday. I am working but have even fewer kids today. They're all older as well so it's a pretty easy day as far as day care goes. And again, my step-son helps quite a bit. I have to keep working (if possible) not only for financial reasons but I would probably find myself bedridden and depressed.

I'm worn out from fighting pain. I'm constantly taking medicine and just trying to get through each day. God gives me strength. I know that I couldn't do it without Him with me. I don't understand why He's allowing all of this but I just try to take it one moment at a time.
I pray next week isn't nearly as bad and painful as this one has been. I pray that even tomorrow is better than today.

One more week until I see that doctor.
I pray I get answers.

I don't have any big lessons to tell you right now. I just know that there's others out there that deal with pain and I pray that knowing that I'm with you is an encouragement.

I do ask that each of you pray for me. I need it!
Thank you!