10 years

10 years.
A decade.

What happens in that time?
Think about 10 years ago.
What were you doing? How did you act? What were your priorities?

Ten years ago I was 23.
Last Sunday we were talking about getting older and age. We were saying what age we'd like to be again. I said I'd love to be 23 again BUT with the knowledge and wisdom I have now. I don't want to relive those 10 years but if I could keep what I know now, I think those years would have been a lot different.

What's significant about my age of 23?

That's when my headache started. 10 years ago this month.
Every February I spend a lot of time rethinking when my headache started. Can you imagine having pain for 10 years?!? I can barely imagine it and I'm going through it! haha.

At the age of 23, most people are graduating from college or starting their career. Some are married and having kids.
Me?
I was starting something that would change my life forever.

When I think about all that's happened with just my headache, here's what I come up with...
It started horrible. Of course, at that time, I had no idea that it'd be a constant pain. One that would never go away. I was going to doctors constantly. I was barely functioning. Work would send me home quite often.
To add to just the pain, I was on lots of medications. Some that affected my brain.. like not remembering how to tie a shoe.
That was 2003 and it continued to 2004.
During that time, I was trying more extensive things like going to our state's best hospital and going to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. I was on more medications. Some that made me act drunk and say things that I would NEVER say in my normal mind.
Those two years were the worst, as to be expected.
2005 wasn't so bad... as far as my headache. I had some life issues that year but we'll get to that.
I didn't have to go to the doctor as much that year. Well, I should rephrase that. I plain didn't go to the doctor. After so long, you realize that medicine is not fun and want to just learn to manage and live with the pain. This is all with God's help of course! Couldn't do any of this without Him!
As it turns out, it was good I didn't go to doctors for my headache in 2005 because in 2006, I applied for health insurance and they didn't consider my headache as a pre-existing condition since it had been a year since seeing a doctor. I had other conditions they didn't cover but my headache wasn't one of them!
I wouldn't realize how big that was until 2012.
In 2006, I went through a really bad time of having an actual migraine for weeks. I would stay in the dark as long as I could and if I was around light, I'd have my sunglasses on. I moved like an old person and had no energy. People that hadn't heard about my struggle prior to this were really concerned with how I looked and acted. I gradually got better.
From 2007 to 2011, I don't remember anything significant as far as my headache. I'd have good days and bad days. Over that time, I'd learn what my triggers are and how to live life. I'd learn how to put a smile on my face and keep getting out of bed. The bad days are still bad, but it's a mental battle as much as a physical one.
The only testing I remember doing during that time was a sleep study. I also tried acupuncture and other things along those lines. OH! I tried braces as well to correct my jaw. I could pull out my HUGE medical file and look but that just depresses me. :)
Jan 1st, 2012 wasn't fun. I had a migraine. Little did I know at that point that I'd be going to doctors all over again. I went through testing and medications again. I was getting dizzy and losing my balance. For a time, I wasn't driving because it would not have been safe for me to be behind the wheel. I went through all of this until about May or June. Then I decided I had had enough and started to wean myself off all medication.
The rest of the year went better with my headache. But I had a lot of stomach issues. I don't know if all the medication is connected or not. I've always known that I carry my emotions and stress in my stomach but I'm not handling it as well as I used to. In October I got a pain in my side that I still struggle with. I found out in the middle of December that it was the makings of a ulcer. The hole isn't there yet, but I was working on it. I still have to watch what I eat and drink and am still on medication. I only connect that with my headache because like I said, I don't know if all the medicine in the beginning of 2012 made my stomach weak.
OR maybe all the medicine I've taken for 10 years has made my stomach weak!

10 years is a big milestone. So as I think back through these years, I don't want to just focus on the roller-coaster of my headache. I want to think about where I've come from, how I've changed, and maybe how my headache positively affected me.

Last month my family and I were playing a game called Oh Really! It's a great game that we love to play with all sorts of different crowds. It's a game about priorities. There's five words that you have to put in order of how important they are to you. Everyone else is trying to guess the order that you'd put them in. You really learn a lot about people playing this game.
When it was my turn for everyone to guess my priorities, one of the words was 'Pain'. Hmm.. interesting that that word came up for me. I had to think about it for a bit. I honestly can't remember what the other four words were. Sometimes the words are as silly as 'Spoons' and other times they're big ones like 'Faith'.
I decided to put Pain on the top or close to it. My sister was surprised by that but my dad wasn't.

Pain is important to me. It has shaped my life over the last 10 years. Some of it negatively.. sure. But there's positive things as well.

Let's go back to 2003...
Actually, I need to start in 2002 just briefly. That year was a hard year on my family. We went through 7 family deaths including my sister's miscarriage. During that time, I had made the decision to move with my friend where she was going to go to college.
I had tons of fun living with her and loved the job I had while there. But I also struggled a lot with staying on track with God. We didn't go to church regularly and when we did it was to a mega-church that was more to just say we went than to be held accountable to anybody... especially God.
The very day we moved was my first migraine. That was September of 2002. It didn't become constant until February.
I can completely and confidently say that my headache brought me back to God and moved me away from there. I decided to go back to college. I had quit college saying I would never go back there. My headache changed that.
It's a small college and when I went back on the first day one professor was shocked to see me. He pointed out that I had told him I would never be back. I had the opportunity to explain to him what had caused my attitude to change.
My headache.
Those two years were hard dealing with this new pain and also trying to do school. There were times I had to drop classes and figure out how I was going to graduate. This was a Bible college and they were VERY supportive for me during this time. I wouldn't have gotten that grace anywhere else.
In 2005, I graduated. This was the year that I mentioned I didn't have much problems with my headache but my life had some ups and downs. A guy that I thought I would marry broke up with me BUT I moved into a house with a great group of girls. Most of whom are still my best friends. I had slight carbon monoxide poisoning and also was in a car accident. It was an eventful year but my headache took it all in stride. I think that year proved to me that my headache didn't control my life. Life is life and that's that.
Early 2006 is when I moved back home. It took a little bit to find my place here. I was working at a bank when I got that migraine that didn't leave for weeks. I ended up losing that job because of it. BUT because of that, I started babysitting in my parents' home later that year.
Now look at me.
I have a very successful business of doing something I love! People think I'm crazy to watch kids when I have a constant headache but they don't take into consideration two things.
1. God. God gives me daily strength. It's impossible to give Him all the credit He deserves.
2. I LOVE kids. Kids are what cheer me up! They make me laugh and smile and just enjoy my day. We have days where they aren't so great to be around but that would happen whether I had a headache or not.
What else has changed in my life?
I'm married to a wonderful man who takes care of me when my headache is bad. (ironically, he just came home from work with a really bad headache) He and the boys have seen me at my worst where I can't move or open my eyes because it hurts so bad. This man, even though he'll throw up if he sees or smells it, comes into the bathroom even in the middle of the night while I'm getting sick. My husband keeps me on track when I get discouraged and cheers me on when I'm having a good day.
My headache affects my life in a lot of ways. It doesn't control my life but it's part of what keeps me on track. It keeps me daily leaning on God where otherwise I may get foolish and think I'm in control.
I have gone from saying "I have a bad headache" to "My headache is bad".
I'm not sure if I'll ever not have a headache. And I'm fairly confident that even if I didn't have daily pain, I'll always be sensitive to lights and sounds and needing sleep.
That's okay because I have God and 10 years of training.